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moving in together - 9/13/2007 7:38:49 AM

pleasureforck

Posts: 95
Joined: 7/2/2007
Status: offline

My SO is moving here to live with me after being long distance for almost a year. I am so excited but also nervous. Was hoping to hear others experience with this situation. This is my first D/s relationship. What if I disappoint him? Can I submit like I do when we visit each other on a regular basis? Will reality of living together be like the fantasy I've had all this time. What if I can't do all the things we have talked about? What if the things I do when we were together are too much to handle everyday? I know no one can answer these questions for me. Just wonder if others had these fears as well. Thank you in advance.

_____________________________

I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not

Post #: 1

RE: moving in together - 9/13/2007 8:22:06 AM

toservez

Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline

I think those are very common fears. These relationships are just like any other relationships. I would strongly recommend not comparing what will happen to your fantasies as you will probably be disappointed.

The biggest thing I take from reading your post is that you might want to concentrate on the real time and not I thought it would be like this or that. There will be ups and there will be downs. Some things will be better then expected, some things will be worse and a lot of things you never gave any thought to. Focus on the reality as the relationship will only be as good if you two enjoy each other and the life you make for you two and not based on one or both of how the perfect power exchange life should be.

I just moved to my Master a couple of months ago and while not my first or his so we had a better basis but it still is a big adjustment of not only seeing each other every day but going 24/7. One of the things I always warn is remember life is not all 24/7 roses and sacrifice and work with the normal relationship things and even in the power exchange parts will have to be done as a commitment between two people and not totally based on the warm fuzzies.

_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to pleasureforck)

Post #: 2

RE: moving in together - 9/13/2007 8:23:16 AM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

Talk about habits. Does he like the window open at night while you like it closed? Do you both shower at the same time each morning? Try to figure out all the possible areas of disagreement and work them out ahead of time, which makes less to do once you're together.

Does he have a job lined up already because the stresses of learning the new environment are different from stressing over job hunting. What about bills? Who pays what?

For us the things it came down to were sleep and alone time. I need more sleep than him so staying up till after midnight when the alarm went off at 5:45 just didn't work, especially when he would wake me at 2:00AM for sex. I simply can't handle sleep deprivation, it gets me bitchy and self pitying. Punishing me for deliberately depriving me of sleep was not the answer, sending me to bed earlier was.

I need more quiet time than he does, reading a book, alone on the computer, just time with nobody talking to me, nobody interacting with me. I used to have that last thing at night after the other family members went to sleep. Now of course that's the time we have to ourselves. Sex at that time and then falling asleep works for me but involved conversation keeps me awake. We're still working on getting both our needs met.

Talk about everything and expect things to change from pictures on the wall to losing drawer space.

(in reply to pleasureforck)

Post #: 3

RE: moving in together - 9/13/2007 2:10:07 PM

Littlepita

Posts: 1430
Joined: 10/6/2005
Status: offline

I have lived with my Joe now for 18 months. This is our first D/s relationship. You just have to talk a lot!! Take things slow, learn, grow, compromise, etc. For me, I've never known this kind of happiness. I wish the same for you.

_____________________________

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.” – Anais Nin

(in reply to Celeste43)

Post #: 4

RE: moving in together - 9/13/2007 5:58:45 PM

Evanesce

Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline

After a year of 3-hour weekend commutes back and forth, the Kaptin and I moved in together 6.5 years ago. It wasn't the first D/s relationship for either of us, and I'd had a live-in dominant partner before, but I am His first and only live-in slave. From our experience, I can offer you this advice:

1. Make sure that you have established a place for *his* things. Not setting aside specific space just for him can cause hurt feelings and make him feel like you don't view this move as being permanent. No one wants to feel like they're living out of a suitcase when they're supposed to be part of a couple.

2. Be prepared for a major change. Weekends are easy. Day-to-day is a lot harder. If it's possible, set up a daily routine BEFORE he moves in. That way, you won't feel so much like you're playing everything by ear. Knowing what's expected of you in advance will help make the transition a lot smoother.

3. Men are babies when they are sick. More than likely, if he gets sick, he's not going to be very domly. Be prepared for that. Two days after I moved in with the Kaptin, He was hospitalized for 4 days. I had to take charge almost immediately in order to ensure the house continued to run smoothly in His absence (along with sitting at His bedside all day, every day).

4. Most importantly - Reality is not fantasy. A lot of those things you fantasize about are probably better left to the fantasy realm. No one can do weekend-visit D/s every day of the year unless they're independently wealthy and don't have to work, cook, do the laundry, go grocery shopping, change the oil, paint the house, raise unmentionables and on, and on, and on... for themselves. The reality will probably be more like you get to play a few nights a week, and the rest of it is going to look and feel very vanilla. At least, that's how it's always worked out with us. The heirarchy is still there, but after 6.5 years it's subtle and has become more habit than anything else.

5. It IS possible to maintain the structure of a D/s relationship in the long term, but it will take work, dedication and open communication on both sides to keep the relationship healthy and moving forward. When life gets difficult, it's easy to succumb to the stress and let the D/s fall to the side because it's just so much work. Don't give in to that temptation. Instead, take a moment and focus on the power dynamic that brought you together, whether it be through play or verbal interaction. Reconnect with your inner Master and slave, and reaffirm that power dynamic.

_____________________________

Denise

Give a slave what he truly needs, and he will do what you want.

"There's never a hero in a battle of ego." - Big & Rich

(in reply to Littlepita)

Post #: 5

RE: moving in together - 9/13/2007 6:40:23 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pleasureforck
What if I disappoint him?

I doubt that's an "if." Much more a "when" and "what about when he disappoints me?"

It will happen, you cope, you work together and you get over it.

Or you crumble and realize the relationship won't really make it.

quote:

Can I submit like I do when we visit each other on a regular basis?

Yes, and no.

quote:

Will reality of living together be like the fantasy I've had all this time.

Yes, and no.

quote:

What if I can't do all the things we have talked about?

Well it depends on how much you lied to yourself and him and how much was honestly understood and how much you try and how important it is for you both.

quote:

What if the things I do when we were together are too much to handle everyday? I know no one can answer these questions for me. Just wonder if others had these fears as well. Thank you in advance.

These really are questions you need to sit down together and discuss BEFORE you decide to move in together.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to pleasureforck)

Post #: 6

RE: moving in together - 9/13/2007 6:42:39 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Evanesce
3. Men are babies when they are sick.

Can you please tell my partner that? He hates being perceived as needing help and the guilt over someone else taking care of him. He could be near death and still argue about me bringing him something to eat.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Evanesce)

Post #: 7

RE: moving in together - 9/13/2007 6:47:11 PM

susie

Posts: 1699
Joined: 11/21/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: Evanesce
3. Men are babies when they are sick.

Can you please tell my partner that? He hates being perceived as needing help and the guilt over someone else taking care of him. He could be near death and still argue about me bringing him something to eat.

Crikey LA where do you find ones like that??? Mine never gets a cold, always MAN FLU!

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 8

RE: moving in together - 9/13/2007 11:35:27 PM

Evanesce

Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline

Yeah, I want to know where you're finding those men, too, LA! Every man I've ever known has acted like he's dying if he gets so much as a paper cut or a sniffle! I'm the "go away and leave me alone" type who doesn't want anyone hovering over me.

_____________________________

Denise

Give a slave what he truly needs, and he will do what you want.

"There's never a hero in a battle of ego." - Big & Rich

(in reply to susie)

Post #: 9

RE: moving in together - 9/14/2007 6:30:41 AM

pleasureforck

Posts: 95
Joined: 7/2/2007
Status: offline

Thanks for the responses. We have talked constantly about all of these things but it doesn't make me stop worrying. I know it will be an adjustment for both of us besides the UM's. They will have to get used to him too. It will take a lot of time but I know it's worth it. I have never had anyone in my life who was so patient and understanding. I'm pretty sure it will be harder for me to adjust than for him actually since he is very laid back. He says I analyze things too much which is true. He says we need to just take it one day at a time and work things through together.
He doesn't have a job lined up yet so that will be stressful until he finds one. He doesn't have a drivers license yet so until he does I will have to drive him around. He grew up in NY where people don't usually get licenses I've learned. I know this alone will be hard on him because he will be relying on me and I'm afraid it will make him feel less in control. I'm not sure how to work this so he doesn't feel that way.
I want to make him feel this is just as much his home as it is mine. He will have his own space besides he can move things around to put his own things where he wants to.

I've never known a man who wasn't like a baby when they were sick. Didn't think they existed. lol...

_____________________________

I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not

(in reply to Evanesce)

Post #: 10

RE: moving in together - 9/14/2007 8:28:26 AM

SolarAndViolet

Posts: 85
Joined: 8/26/2007
Status: offline

I think the worries are very common. You are making a huge change in your lives. You are set in the dynamic of your life right now and it will change with him moving close(in). We all have the expectations and little day-dreams about how things will work if we lived with (near) our loved one.

I am too very soon (16 days from today) moving to be with my Sir. I'm moving out of my home, state, away from family. It's an exciting move but I'm also very worried. What if.. I see these "what ifs" as part of me being realistic. Despite me wanting everything to work, and for our life together to be perfect, I know one thing for sure. We won't really know until we try.

Also, don't think for a moment that he's not worried either. I'm sure he is, even if he's not showing it. He's making a huge change by making that move.

You just give it time to adjust, talk and communicate a lot and see how it goes. Don't just jump in, but take it slowly. And it will be alright.

I wish you all the best !

'violet'

_____________________________

Vici, Vidi, Veni... (S)

Happy to be owned by Sir (V) (violetaelf)

(in reply to pleasureforck)

Post #: 11

RE: moving in together - 9/14/2007 9:00:17 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Oh well then I'd say forget about your worries and push those aside and make SURE those questions are answered when it comes to the UMs. It worries ME that you have all these worries about the situation when you're involving others who have no choice.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to SolarAndViolet)

Post #: 12

RE: moving in together - 9/14/2007 11:29:08 AM

twistedkytten

Posts: 240
Joined: 9/8/2006
Status: offline

I have known many people in NY that have their license...
you will at some point fail, or disappoint, it happens, it is not usually the end of the world.. learn from it and move on...
Good luck!

_____________________________

Obedience is life, girl lives to serve her Master

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 13

RE: moving in together - 9/15/2007 10:09:27 AM

pleasureforck

Posts: 95
Joined: 7/2/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Oh well then I'd say forget about your worries and push those aside and make SURE those questions are answered when it comes to the UMs. It worries ME that you have all these worries about the situation when you're involving others who have no choice.

LA,I don't have any doubts just anxiety. I'm a worrier normally so that doesn't help.
Good luck Violet on the move. I hope you both will be very happy.

_____________________________

I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 14

RE: moving in together - 9/15/2007 12:25:35 PM

SolarAndViolet

Posts: 85
Joined: 8/26/2007
Status: offline

We appreciate it. :)

-S

_____________________________

Vici, Vidi, Veni... (S)

Happy to be owned by Sir (V) (violetaelf)

(in reply to pleasureforck)

Post #: 15

RE: moving in together - 9/15/2007 1:21:22 PM

softpjOS

Posts: 398
Joined: 6/7/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pleasureforck

Will reality of living together be like the fantasy I've had all this time. What if I can't do all the things we have talked about? What if the things I do when we were together are too much to handle everyday? I know no one can answer these questions for me. Just wonder if others had these fears as well. Thank you in advance.

Unless your fantasy included the car breaking down, the washer spewing soapy water all over the house, traffic making one of you late for dinner..... doubtful that real life will even closely resemble the fantasy.

The "trick" is in enjoying what you DO have and not wishing for that fantasy life. Not getting hung up on "hey i thought it would be like ___ or i expected more of _____" Life happens.

Personally, I fell into that little black hole of thinking it would be "different" living closer to Mistress. Oh it was different all right. lol. Just not the way I thought it would be. It's taken a few years (hey i'm a slow learner so don't heckle) for me to see life in a different light and get past that fantasy i had stuck in my head. I was the one that felt I was in someway letting Her down because I wasn't "serving Her" the way I thought I should be . I didn't accept that She was happy and content with me because I had these fantasy expectations floating around in my head...stuff that reality just doesn't allow. I only saw my "failures" not what I did accomplish.

You can't possibly do all the things you did on weekends every day of the week. You'll drive yourself bananas trying. Remember, the time you spent visiting was time set aside, it didn't include coming home from work beat and just wanting to kick back and relax, it didnt include getting the laundry done, grocery shopping, balancing the check book...it was time scheduled to be together and that is something you need to keep in mind. Thinking we can live everyday exactly like that special weekend is setting ourselves up for pure frustration.

Remember to keep rules/rituals/expectations simple and realistic. Remember it's the little things that mean the most :)

Good luck to both of you and SolarandViolet as well. I wish you all the happiness in your new lives.

pj

(in reply to pleasureforck)

Post #: 16

RE: moving in together - 9/15/2007 1:30:11 PM

eyesopened

Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pleasureforck

My SO is moving here to live with me after being long distance for almost a year. I am so excited but also nervous. Was hoping to hear others experience with this situation. This is my first D/s relationship. What if I disappoint him? Can I submit like I do when we visit each other on a regular basis? Will reality of living together be like the fantasy I've had all this time. What if I can't do all the things we have talked about? What if the things I do when we were together are too much to handle everyday? I know no one can answer these questions for me. Just wonder if others had these fears as well. Thank you in advance.

You've already gotten such great advice! What i would do is also turn the questions around in your mind and ask yourself "what if i don't disappoint him?" "what if i can do all the things we have talked about?" "what if the things i do when we are together are easy to handle every day?"

_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

(in reply to pleasureforck)

Post #: 17

RE: moving in together - 9/15/2007 2:25:50 PM

handsoverhead

Posts: 17
Joined: 1/7/2006
Status: offline

(This is based on my experience only, having lived with my SO for 6 months after a LDR of over a year.)

Realise it may be different. And that the differences may mean you need to reassess how that fits into your D/s dynamic.

Talk, a lot. Talk before you move in and reassess things regularly. Talk about the stuff that changes, the good and the not so good.

Make time for yourselves. Have a regular date night. You made time before, but it is easy to let that fall by the wayside.

Make time for play (for lack of a better word) if this is an important part of your relationship. And know it may not seem as if you are playing as much (unless you still get to go on vacation every other weekend!)

Know there may be times when he doesn't/can't fulfill your expectations as the Dominant partner. Try and fulfill his expectations of you anyway.

Work out the money stuff.

Realise that a lot of the time things may seem 'ordinary' (taking out the trash, cooking meals, taking the UM's to soccer practice etc etc etc etc.)

And know that all relationships, bdsm or not, require work and good communication and commitment.

Congratulations, and all the best to both of you.

Oh, one last thing .. someone mentioned making space for him and his stuff ... really good idea :) I kinda forgot ...

< Message edited by handsoverhead -- 9/15/2007 2:30:05 PM >

(in reply to eyesopened)

Post #: 18

RE: moving in together - 9/15/2007 5:39:28 PM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

Get him the drivers ed manual so he can get his permit immediately. I had to learn to drive at 35 after moving out of Manhattan, it's a major change. How do you propose to work if you need to drive him to job interviews? Getting his permit first thing will help a lot, and schedule the driver's test immediately after getting his permit. That way you should only have a couple of weeks chauffering.

However, once he gets his license he then needs a car. Send him info on quality used car places around, have him research what kind of car he can get for the money he has on hand. Have him research car loans if he's out of work.

I'm assuming your ums have met him and spent a lot of time with him and like him. Because if not, then this is a recipe for disaster. Does he understand he can't move in and start telling them what to do? Because they haven't consented to obeying him, only you did.

If they don't know him, and he hasn't any ums of his own, then I strongly suggest he gets his own place while you folks see if everybody gets along.

Both my ums and my dog liked him from the first. If they hadn't, then I would never have invited him to move up. I've known ums saddled with step-parents they hate to become involved heavily in drugs. Not something I would risk no matter how much I personally liked him.

(in reply to handsoverhead)

Post #: 19

RE: moving in together - 9/15/2007 10:42:04 PM

pleasureforck

Posts: 95
Joined: 7/2/2007
Status: offline

I can't thank all of you enough for your wonderful responses. The UM's have spent time with him and can't wait for him to move in. He know's he can't just start telling them what to do right off but has to ease into it. They know they will need to respect him and listen to him also though. They don't have a close relationship with their dad so they are extremely happy to have him. He is great with them.
I've been talking to him more about how it can't be the same as it has been on our visits. He says he knows and that it will be different but better because I will be in his arms everynight.

_____________________________

I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not

(in reply to Celeste43)

Post #: 20

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