samboct
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Joined: 1/17/2007
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I can throw out a few personal experiences here. When I was in my mid twenties to 30 I dated a woman 7 years older than me. We did love each other- she wanted to get married and have kids. I wanted to get established and get a job (I was in grad school) because I knew if I didn't have a job, things would get rocky very quickly-we had discussed this possibility. She was tough for me to be with- if I said the wrong thing, I got rewarded with a burst of tears so I was constantly walking on eggshells around her.
In terms of experience- well, she'd certainly slept with more men than I'd slept with women, but in terms of sex, I was the one who introduced her to anal which she certainly enjoyed. She was emphatically NOT into any type of BDSM- I once slapped her on the butt and got a long lecture for it.
She's never forgiven me for not marrying her- she's still pissed at me. (We have a mutual friend) and it's been 15 years or so. I never did get married but she did- has a kid too. As far as I'm concerned, anyone that can carry that kind of grudge has got issues that I wasn't going to solve.
Why was she into me? Some of it may have had to do with the sex- I wish I had the dick I had when I was in my 20s- and I suspect that's a common lament for a lot of men in their mid 40s. But really, I think the two of us really did love each other- it just wasn't going to work. Was the age an issue- not to me in terms of sex- in terms of her wanting to get married and have kids in a hurry- yup, it was.
The next woman I dated was some 16 years older than me. We started out as fuck buddies, but somewhere in there, she announced she wanted to get married. I think I would have been husband number 5-she liked being married and I was handy. I wasn't so interested, and I still was jobless (postdoc). She was the first woman to spank me, and I still regret I didn't take her up on her desire to be with two guys.
An aside-There's a 20 year old soft porn movie with a main character named Lucy- she was at the Riviera trying to be somebody else. Her instructions were simple, either say Love to, or I have to go meet the photographer. It's good advice in bed- and the times I've chickened out are what I gnash my teeth about.
The largest age difference going younger has been 4 years- and that's when I was 40 or so. So realistically, I tend to find older women plenty appealing-and the woman I'm involved with now (met someone on this board) is about 8 years older or so. She's also a lot more experienced than I am at BDSM- but at least this time, my responses have all been yes, mistress.
Ok, so any generalizations from all this?
1) Older women tend to be more relaxed in bed, but more importantly, have better communication skills. What I've noticed is that younger women, or women closer to my own age expect that the similar experiences reduce the need for verbal communication. I'm not a mind reader- don't know many men who are, and hence I suspect that the better communication skills or at least the perceived need to communicate really helps these relationships.
2) Women who decide to be sexually active often have had more partners than men. There's a threshold level of experience that's nice- but there's also a point where more doesn't really do anything more in bed- it's really about the emotional connection anyhow. Yes, the physical connection helps form the emotional connection, but I've never quite understood the idea that somebody can be really good in bed- but have no emotional connection. With younger men, it's not too hard to deal with this difference- they can "expect" that their older lover will have had more partners than they have. It's a bit tougher when an older guy finds out that the younger woman he's with has had 5x the number of partners. The term tramp gets thrown around a lot, but I suspect what's really driving this is male machismo getting hurt by facts.
3) My guess is that younger women go through a learning experience where they discover that "hunk" isn't all that it's cracked up to be. Older women have already realized this, and are mature enough to decide that what's upstairs matters a lot too.
4) The idea of a playboy physique and bedding a 20 year old generally doesn't work for most men- the girls don't connect to men as well.
5) I was and still am terrified of teenage girls.
6) As I've gotten older, age differences matter less. I could see being in a long term relationship/married to someone +/- 10 years or so.
To the OP- If I can play armchair psychologist for a sec- one reason that you may be chasing after younger men is that you think that the relationships NOT going to work- and this you find comfortable in some fashion. You may feel secure in complaining about your life- it's your identity. If I'm correct and you want to change this behavior- find a good shrink.
Do relationships with much older women- a la Harold and Maude work? Well, I have some first hand knowledge of such a couple- a guy who's about my age married a friend of mine's grandmother. She was an evil old bat- but the marriage lasted till her death some two dozen years later. I have no idea what the sex life was like.
Is this the type of discussion you were looking for?
Sam
PS- I still remember Rita Rudners comment- "the past conventional wisdom was that you should marry an older man- they're more mature. But men don't mature- marry a younger one."
< Message edited by samboct -- 9/13/2007 8:15:11 PM >
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RE: Younger Men/Older Women - 
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