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RE: Trying to understand why subs do such things. - 9/15/2007 3:23:53 PM

arayofsunshine55

Posts: 545
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Some people have trouble being direct. And this seems to be reinforced in some subs. And some don't like to deal with the possible backlash when they say "no thank you." You seem to need a better method of figuring out how well thinks went. Clearly there's a difference of opinion. And often enough for you to post about it here.

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RE: Trying to understand why subs do such things. - 9/15/2007 5:24:16 PM

MegaX50

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Once again, appreciate on the insight from other's who have had this similar experience. As what I was aware nothing bad happened between us during our little 'date.'

And I never said it completely crushed my spirit, was just using it as a phrase of explanation of possiblities.

I am the type who enjoys being respected even when being told 'no', and don't have a problem with accepting 'no', if it's not going to work.

I just feel those who wish to deny others should at least be honest about it.

Both for this, I have accepted that she was immature about it, and have already looked at other possibilities. This is why the world is full of people.

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RE: Trying to understand why subs do such things. - 9/15/2007 5:33:28 PM

arayofsunshine55

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Nothing bad has to happen for someone to not be interested in seeing you again. Most of my first dates end up being very interesting conversations and meals with guys I don't want to see a second time. For some reason not compatible. No spark. Any number of things. C'est la vie. Nothing bad happened, just not interested enough for a second date.

You think she's being immature by disappearing. She might think you are being immature by insisting that someone needs to directly say no, that reading the signs isn't good enough when you don't have a well-established relationship. If you had met in a bar, gone on a date and she was no longer interested she might just not return your calls. This is dating. If labeling her immature is what it takes for you to dust off and move on, so be it. But you'll be disappointed and dusting yourself off quite a bit.

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Is it not most transformative, most earthshaking, to pierce the veils of self-deception and illusion, and crack the eggshell of ignorance, to most intimately encounter oneself? Lama Surya Das

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RE: Trying to understand why subs do such things. - 9/15/2007 7:49:32 PM

RRafe

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MegaX50

Once again, appreciate on the insight from other's who have had this similar experience. As what I was aware nothing bad happened between us during our little 'date.'

And I never said it completely crushed my spirit, was just using it as a phrase of explanation of possiblities.

I am the type who enjoys being respected even when being told 'no', and don't have a problem with accepting 'no', if it's not going to work.

I just feel those who wish to deny others should at least be honest about it.

Both for this, I have accepted that she was immature about it, and have already looked at other possibilities. This is why the world is full of people.

Sour grapes are why they never reply.

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RE: Trying to understand why subs do such things. - 9/15/2007 11:12:35 PM

exquisitefeline1

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It doesn't mean that it it is negative. Although it is easy for ppl to think that way.
Edit spelling

< Message edited by exquisitefeline1 -- 9/15/2007 11:14:08 PM >

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RE: Trying to understand why subs do such things. - 9/16/2007 5:46:08 AM

SirCache

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Joined: 3/26/2005
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Life's a crapshoot. There are a lot of times that things work out well online, via email, chatting/IM'ing... and the chemistry just isn't there when you meet. Frankly, I think she did the good thing about sticking it out with you, remaining pleasant and on good terms. Would it be nice if she just came out and say it didn't feel right? Sure. But it's not a crime. Pick up, move on, and don't worry about it.

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RE: Trying to understand why subs do such things. - 9/16/2007 6:12:06 AM

eyesopened

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i recall spending time with a Dom who was for me much like drinking distilled water.... no flavor whatsoever. i felt guilty because there was absolutely nothing wrong with Him. i just wasn't feeling anything... totally inert.

While i was with him the TV was on and i don't even know the program and it wasn't something we were watching but someone said "It's not up to you to decide how much truth he can handle" and it was like the gods themselves had spoken to me. Later that day i said to the Dom "i'm sorry but i'm just not feeling the level of connection i need to feel." That was both honest and kind.

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RE: Trying to understand why subs do such things. - 9/17/2007 9:32:56 AM

Celeste43

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Subs don't do these things, people do these things. People have hidden agendas, unspoken expectations that are their only reason for meeting others. When you don't fit their agendas, meet their expectations they then see no other reason to talk to you.

They were interested in you only insofar as it might lead to a relationship, they weren't interested in friendship. You aren't compatible with them so why should they go on dating someone they don't enjoy seeing?

Accept it as a good thing, that you didn't waste anymore time with someone you aren't compatible with and now you can move on to finding someone you are compatible with.

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RE: Trying to understand why subs do such things. - 9/17/2007 9:58:57 AM

toservez

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quote:

I am the type who enjoys being respected even when being told 'no', and don't have a problem with accepting 'no', if it's not going to work.

I am not writing as a personal comment on you but just explaining one submissive woman’s experience searching and finding someone online.

I did not have one person, including a whole bunch who used the word respect in regard to be told no at any point, that was told no whether it was after a few positive emails, phone calls and a few meetings, that took it with class and respect.

Class and respect are not arguing her reasons or telling her she is making a big mistake or any other type of passive aggressive behavior.

Again not anything on you as I think anyone who does not get back to someone with a simple no thank you is doing an impolite thing, but just truly understand what the women go through and how that can affect them.

I find the word respect is in the eye of the beholder. It is like calling yourself smart, sane or safe it sounds good but only the other person can give you those qualities because they believe it not because a person states it.

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RE: Trying to understand why subs do such things. - 9/18/2007 3:36:56 AM

johntom571

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quote:

ORIGINAL: susie

Sometimes people find it hard to say "Sorry I am not interested in you after all". Maybe it is guilt that they do not want to see you again or perhaps they are afraid that if they do say something the other party will get nasty.

I have a Dom friend who chats online to a number of subs and sometimes meets them offline with a view to a relationship. One sub that he chatted with, however, was just a friendly chat whenever they were both online. He chatted to her for nearly a year and a half. Nothing personal and mostly just idle chat. Eventually they decided to meet just as friends. They got together for a meal, again chatting about normal friendly stuff. After that meeting she just disappeared. Blocked him on the chat messenger they used and did not answer his texts or email.

When I bumped into her in chat one day I asked her why she had done that. She turned round and said that he was not the "Dom" for her. When I pointed out that they had met as friends and nothing more she said she saw all men as potential partners. He was not one so she cut off all contact as that was her way of saying "no thanks" Interesting way of dealing with people even when others view it a just friends.

Susie:

it seem to me that the sub went into that "friendly meeting" with considerably different expectations than the Dom did, and he got punished for failing to meet those expectations.
What intrigues me is the emotional dynamics of such a response. Granted: men are probably more accustomed to rejection than women are. But blocking someone in order to avoid having to say "Gee, sorry you're not the one for me" is both immature and hurtful. Unfortunately it seems to be assumed that because men have less ability to express their feelings, they don't have any, at least none that need be worried about hurting.
To the OP, I would say: She obviously wasn't the person you thought she was, and she doesn't deserve the time investing more of your time, care or worry. Mourn the friendship you gave her, and move on.
To the Block-Happy sub (and there's plenty of you out there): Grow up. You want respect? Give some back. You want a "perfect" Dom? Buy a cat. You want a real relationship? Try acting and treating others like human beings.

my 2 cents

JT

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RE: Trying to understand why subs do such things. - 9/18/2007 5:15:27 AM

unsung

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This sort of thing happens on both sides of the fence. Dominants that find a submissive that is not a fit often just disregard any previous conversation as if the submissive does not exist. It does not only happen with dominants, it occurs both ways. Perhaps it is in the frame of thought that people feel they do not want to waste others or even their own time focusing on something that will not come to realization aka a mutually desired relationship so they just move along the list of potentials concentrating on their quest.

< Message edited by unsung -- 9/18/2007 5:16:46 AM >

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