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I need some...input, please - 7/16/2005 10:11:51 PM   
sometimesSassy


Posts: 5
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Hello,

I am in some desperate need of advice/input. I'm confused, upset...and I just want to hear from some whether I am over reacting or not.

Background. I've been involved with (first just chatting and then meeting) my Master for 2 and a half years now. During that time, we have rarely met more than once a month. In part due to time constraints, and in part due to "your attitude" (his words). I am/hve become emotionally dependant on him, and fallen in love.

The other day, I needed some clarification on some things and sent him the below email. His response was "I did not see anything in the email that I did not agree with.".

Now I need to know, is this reasonable? Am I supposed to be able to deal with this? Am I over reacting in being so upset by this? And if I am supposed to be able to deal with all of this, ...how?

This is the exact email except where I edited things for clarification to others.
---------------------
--I know I'm supposed to be able to not lock emotions or feelings away, and still not find anyone else ...appealing, or feel anything for anyone except for you.
--I'm supposed to want the dominance and "Mastery" and not react to other men.
--I'm supposed to stay yours, want you, need to be with you, and at the same time be able to Not mind however long it is until I see you, if ever.
--I'm supposed to be able to keep this all balanced at once.

--And from your email and our talk, let me see if I have what you are saying correct...
--I'm supposed to be able to be yours all the time, want to see you, but not be bothered by never seeing you.
--I'm supposed to be ready to see you at any time, despite you not letting me know when that might be.
--I'm supposed to ignore your wife's rudeness, hostility and picking on me. I'm not supposed to try and talk to her right now. None of that is to effect me at all especially if I see you in person.
--I'm not to let the fact that she doesn't want me in your life effect me at all. I'm supposed to ignore that totally.
--I'm not supposed to wonder where you are or want to talk with you except when you are available. Except that I am to always want to see/talk with you but not so much that I get upset when I can't.
--I'm supposed to accept that limited personal interaction is how you want it, and that since that's how you want it, it's how a Master/slave relationship should be.
--I'm supposed to accept that I'll never be alone with you because you want your wife to monitor all interactions unless she approves otherwise, and she won't do that with me.
--I'm not supposed to argue.
--I'm not supposed to have any objections to anything you say.
--I'm supposed to do everything you tell me without arguement or objections.
--I'm always supposed to be in "slave mode" when interacting with you.
--------------------

Any input would be appreciated.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: I need some...input, please - 7/16/2005 11:09:35 PM   
CitizenWolf


Posts: 44
Joined: 7/13/2005
Status: offline 		I would say it looks like you've put yourself in the position to be an occasional convenient play thing. Looks like you have a lot of rules imposed on you but no respect towards any of your needs. I would really question this guy's intent with you. If a dom wants commanded respect and loyalty from you he should be in your presence (or you in his) mor often for a stronger bond. There's only so long you can sit around and wait before you start wandering, that's just human nature.

That and the fact that he's married and she isn't into it is a real red flag here. I think some so called "doms" enjoy taking advantage of a submissive's willingness to do whatever they tell them for their own sadistic psychological torture enjoyment. You should find someone who doesn't have their head up their ass as far as my opinion goes.

But hey, I'm new at this game so I could be totally wrong.

(in reply to sometimesSassy)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: I need some...input, please - 7/16/2005 11:13:43 PM   
oceanprincess


Posts: 42
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		Oh my gosh, if you need to chat, I am on yahoo at mysticbutterfly37. You are not over reacting at all.

I would find a new Dom to be honest. I know that it's hard, and that your in love with him. But, I feel that you need to find someone that you truely can depend on. I depend on my dom for so much, I didn't realize how much until he left for this business trip that he's on, and he won't be back until mid-August. He helped me fall asleep by rubbing me back every night, every night..... Now, I hardly sleep at all without him. I watch tv till I pass out, literally, thank goodness I am jobless right now.

I have been having to learn to depend on myself all over again. It's tough trying to be independant again, and then having him wanting me to depend on him when he comes back.

I also feel that the wife situation, is too much. She evidentally knows about you and him, but she is jealous, and that's not the type of situation that you need to be in, at all.

I wish you luck, your going to get a lot of opinions about this topic...I hope that you get some good advice.

If anyone has an attitude about meeting, it's him and his wife, that has nothing to do with you...he has issues and a whole lot of drama, and drama from a man and his wife is not good.

Oh, and by the way, you are not supposed to feel anyway that you don't want to feel, and just because he says that that's the way you are "supposed to feel," or that you should do that because you are his sub, that's a crack of BS. Your relationship is what you and him make it, and you should feel how you feel, and act how you feel that you should act, not the way that he wants you to feel. A Dom/Master can tell you how to act to match their needs, and yours, but, your feelings are you feelings...

ocean

(in reply to sometimesSassy)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: I need some...input, please - 7/16/2005 11:28:00 PM   
Kinkypupper


Posts: 713
Joined: 9/26/2004
From: Portland oregon
Status: offline 		You are in simple terms.. a booty call..
You have been manipulated and 'trained" to follow those 'rules" explicitly.
They only benefit Him ... Not the person that is YOU.

I have met a few females who have been in similar situations and it is WAY WAY sad.
1 still hurts and has semi hybernated after a few bad relationships after that.
1 has become a "almost" switch. in her case her "contract" was up. and she remains on good terms with he who trained her. but she admits the "he" trained her very very well.
1 has withdrawn inward and shut off the outside world to a huge degree.

I admit I do not know you nor your "Master" but from what I "Read" here. it is a total one way non-emotional relationship. and that YOU have become emotionally attached to a person who does NOT want the emotiona attachment. but want you to just be a "booty call'.
I cannot tell you what to do . YOU have to see it and face it and its not a good thing that i DO know.. and if you break it off (as if you ask for his release he will not give it)
You have a few choices...

a. Continue with the status quo and turn your emotions off.. ( in so doing YOU will loose yourself and that what makes YOU a emotional reactive person)
b. Ask for his release under the grounds that you need the emotional attachment and he is not willing to "give"or provide that... ( If he says yes you will feel a huge empty hole in your life for some time.. it will take the growing of 'self" and another relationship to help bring you out of it..
c. Break off all contact with him its not a "close" relationship anyway. just "go another direction and hope he does not become violent.
d. Start a emotional based relationship and do not tell him and decide that "his' rules are not "fair" anyway since they are totally one sided and "HE" in fact may even be married or or or or.... Again there is a problem here with a possable violent reaction from him.

whatever your choice.. remember there are those who do care. there are those who been there and there are those who will be there after you are long healed..

(hug)

_____________________________

Phil Moulton
A Sensual Touch
Locopony Racing
Portland Oregon

(in reply to sometimesSassy)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: I need some...input, please - 7/16/2005 11:42:13 PM   
Gemeni


Posts: 255
Joined: 2/19/2005
Status: offline 		You make all of the sacrifices he makes none.

The problem with "have your cake and eat it too"

Is that one often ends up cakeless.

Decide how much of a masochist you wish to be.

(in reply to sometimesSassy)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: I need some...input, please - 7/17/2005 1:33:43 AM   
Zensee


Posts: 1564
Joined: 9/4/2004
Status: offline 		Apart from the lesson - Thou shalt ignore married men - that was a complete waste of 2.5 years of your life.

Time to listen to your own needs consider how and with whom you might get them addressed more fairly. The list of points you make in your email is a good start...

Z.

_____________________________

"Before enlightenment, chop wood and carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood and carry water." (proverb)

(in reply to sometimesSassy)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: I need some...input, please - 7/17/2005 3:20:06 AM   
quietkitten


Posts: 1082
Joined: 2/5/2005
From: Alberta, Canada
Status: offline 		Point 1 - you are worth more than just being someone's convenient toy
Point 2 - he has no reason to change his behaviour
Point 3 - you have the choice as to whether this continues or not

Do you feel you are worth more? Are you happy with this arrangement?
Can you live with this situation indefinitely?

You are the only person who can decide if this is right for you or not. If you are unhappy, you must make the hard decision and go find someone who is right for you. Just because you are submissive doesn't mean you have to be miserable.

(in reply to sometimesSassy)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: I need some...input, please - 7/17/2005 4:37:05 AM   
sometimesSassy


Posts: 5
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Hello,

First, thank you to everyone that has replied. It helps to have that support.

Yes, his wife knows. She is his slave, she is at every meeting. She either participates, or watches (and comments) depending on what he wants. She is not Domme, and does not enjoy participating. The only time I've been alone with him is when she goes to the bathroom or something like that. But again, I'm told that if my attitude were better then she would trust me enough to leave me with him.

CitizenWolf: You're right. My needs are not being met right now. Plain and simple, I need to be with him. It's true that some of the things that I said I wanted from a Master in the very beginning of the relationship, he hasn't done. But that's because there were more important things for him to work on and we only had a few hours each time we met.

oceanprincess: Thank you Very, Very much. I may take you up on the chatting, even though I am not supposed to talk with any one who undermines our relationship. And yeah, I was wondering how I was supposed to snap my fingers and change how I feel. LOL

Kinkypupper: The problem is that I am not following the rules very well. I get upset when I can't see him. It isn't non-emotional. He has invested a lot of his time (online, he doesn't like talking on the phone) with me. He helped me get over the death of my last Master and has worked with me on several things. He tells me I am right for him, that he cares for me. And when we are together it certainly feels that way and even online sometimes it does. I am not always the easiest slave to have. He has taken the time needed.
a. Is not allowed. I am to ...well, you read what all I am to.
b. I am not at the point I can do that.
c. I can't do that. (not worried about him becoming violent. That at least is not an issue.)
d. I can't do that either. It would make a mockery of anything that we do have.
Thank you though for repling. I do appreciate your final sentiment.

Gemeni: No cake for me, I'm on a diet. LOL masochist?>>As much of one as I am allowed to be. <grin>

Zensee: I started out looking for a couple. I didn't want a married man cheating on his wife though. But somehow, I envisioned a couple as ....well, more than this seems to be.

quietkitten: Yes I am. No I am not. And I don't know...I just don't know how long I can keep this up. It is starting to feel like an online game.

Thank you again for all who have responded. At least I don't feel as if I am being totally unreasonable.

ss

(in reply to sometimesSassy)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: I need some...input, please - 7/17/2005 4:47:08 AM   
RandBcouple


Posts: 86
Joined: 5/19/2005
Status: offline
quote:

You are in simple terms.. a booty call..


i hate to say it, but i agree totally with that statement above.
You're with a married man but you want to have all of his attention....unless you are all poly, and everyone is ok with this predicament, i just don't see how it can possibly work out. It's not fair to you or to the wife. Seems the only one getting anything out of this relationship is the dom, he's got his wife at home and you on the side.

my advice would be to let go .... it doesn't seem to be working out for you or the wife.

best of luck to you~

~hugs~
Babygirl

(in reply to quietkitten)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: I need some...input, please - 7/17/2005 4:56:22 AM   
sometimesSassy


Posts: 5
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		It's really not like that. I don't want all of his time. I don't want to replace his wife. I don't want to be in conflict with her at all. I would love to be able to do vanilla things with them without feeling like she is trying to undermine me. I would love to have one single hotel meeting where I didn't feel like she was watching and judging (unfavorably) everything I do. I had such a hard time reaching "sub-space" with this going on.
The way things are now though, I miss being able to see him just once a month.
She chose to accept that he was doing this and supposedly this was all worked out between them long ago.
I chose to look for a couple. I wanted a couple who's relationship was stable, and were looking for another to complement them.

(in reply to RandBcouple)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: I need some...input, please - 7/17/2005 5:03:54 AM   
shylittleheart


Posts: 101
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		without feeling like she is trying to undermine me

sassy if you feel she is trying to undermine you, that may not always be the case. Perhaps she is just uncomfortable with everything. She may of told Him she was fine with everything just to make Him happy but deep down she is not. Or it could be the two of you are not compatible with each other. I hate to say this, but in a relationship like this All parties must be comfortable and on the same page, if they are not, it doesnt work and someone always gets hurt. I must agree it may be time to look else where. I am a firm believer in Poly relationships and know they do work with all are in tune with each other and each others needs. Have you tried talking to her about your feelings? Communication is the key.

Good luck,
shy

(in reply to sometimesSassy)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: I need some...input, please - 7/17/2005 5:05:40 AM   
junkyard


Posts: 107
Joined: 3/13/2005
Status: offline 		It sounds like your arrangement was in the open. What went wrong or what changed, SometimesSassy?

(in reply to sometimesSassy)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: I need some...input, please - 7/17/2005 6:27:19 AM   
Isolde


Posts: 213
Joined: 4/18/2005
From: Hamilton, Ontario
Status: offline 		Has his wife always been this way towards you? I think after two and a half years, if she hasn't learned to be comfortable with you yet as a second slave, she never will be. Continuing on in this relationship as it is now is likely asking for pain of the not so nice sort.

(in reply to junkyard)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: I need some...input, please - 7/17/2005 6:46:02 AM   
LadyJulieAnn


Posts: 979
Joined: 6/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sometimesSassy

It's really not like that. I don't want all of his time. I don't want to replace his wife. I don't want to be in conflict with her at all. I would love to be able to do vanilla things with them without feeling like she is trying to undermine me. I would love to have one single hotel meeting where I didn't feel like she was watching and judging (unfavorably) everything I do. I had such a hard time reaching "sub-space" with this going on.
The way things are now though, I miss being able to see him just once a month.
She chose to accept that he was doing this and supposedly this was all worked out between them long ago.
I chose to look for a couple. I wanted a couple who's relationship was stable, and were looking for another to complement them.


It sounds like you have a clear idea of what you were looking for and what you want now. It comes to a point where you have to decide whether those things are achievable in this current relationship. It is unrealistic to think he or the situation will change, so it comes down to accepting it the way it is, or deciding to move on to find something that is fulfilling to you.

I wish you luck,
Julie

(in reply to sometimesSassy)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: I need some...input, please - 7/17/2005 7:08:35 AM   
Synocense


Posts: 255
Joined: 8/8/2004
Status: offline 		Beautiful.

_____________________________

Before you speak, ask yourself..
Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary?
Does it improve upon the silence?

(in reply to Gemeni)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: I need some...input, please - 7/17/2005 7:25:40 AM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		SO basically you're unhappy because you feel the "other woman" is undermining the relationship you have and not forming it into a solid stable poly relationship?

Did something CHANGE or has it simply always been this way and you hoped they would change? LIkely you just have to decide whether you are fulfilled or not, and if not, need to leave.

(in reply to sometimesSassy)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: I need some...input, please - 7/17/2005 7:49:47 AM   
Faramir


Posts: 1043
Joined: 2/12/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyJulieAnn


It sounds like you have a clear idea of what you were looking for and what you want now. It comes to a point where you have to decide whether those things are achievable in this current relationship. It is unrealistic to think he or the situation will change, so it comes down to accepting it the way it is, or deciding to move on to find something that is fulfilling to you.

I wish you luck,
Julie


Thank God - a decent response after a page of dreck.

sassy - there is not "reasonable" in these relationships. You have three possibilities ahead of you: accept what you have, try to change what you have, or move on to something new. No one here knows your values, what matters to you, and none of us know how likely change is. You will have to make a choice.

(in reply to LadyJulieAnn)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: I need some...input, please - 7/17/2005 8:44:48 AM   
stormsfate


Posts: 849
Joined: 2/1/2005
Status: offline 		It sounds as if communication is sorely lacking in this relationship...particularly between you and the wife. Without communication, imo, this type of relationship cannot possibly survive for long. There are reasons the wife feels as she does (and he apparently allows her to set the pace) and if you cannot obtain some level of understanding and acceptance between you, I would think one or all of you will be miserable. It sounds as though in addition to a huge lacking in the communication department, there is no trust.

If all three of you don't individually want the relationship to work and if all three individually are not willing to communicate and work to the benefit of the "family", I just can't see it working and in the end, the effort and emotional toll it will take will overshadow any benefits any of you may realize from the current relationship.

But that's just my take on the situation.


best regards,
f

_____________________________

Vision? What do you know about MY vision? My vision would turn your world upside down, tear asunder your illusions and the sanctuary of your own ignorance crashing down around you! Now ask yourself, are you really ready to see that vision? [/size

(in reply to sometimesSassy)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: I need some...input, please - 7/17/2005 9:27:36 AM   
perfection20005


Posts: 419
Joined: 4/20/2005
Status: offline 		I'm not sure what kind of response you were looking for Sassy. You don't want to end the relationship, can't change it after this long, but you don't like the way its going.
Most of the responses feel the same, that this must end. If is doesn't you will never be happy, the wife will never be happy. The only one getting anything out of this if your Master. I wish you luck, and I truly hope you will do what is best for you.

perfection

(in reply to sometimesSassy)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: I need some...input, please - 7/17/2005 12:04:40 PM   
teapaw


Posts: 97
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		I am in a wonderful poly relationship with hard work on ALL sides it can and does work...communicatoin is the key (I am not so good at this but I try and they are patient with me).
You curent Master may have helped you through a bad time, maybe that is all there is to that, all he was ment to do. My one and only mistress was wonderful helping my over come the death of my father and some childhood fears but she still broke both my arms and the relationship was over. There is good and bad about all relationships. If you are that unhappy after that long, leave. Find a couple whom you are more compatible, who care about you.
Just my two cents
Good luck to you, we are here for you....
hugs pamela

_____________________________

"get a taste of reiligion ...lick a witch"

(in reply to sometimesSassy)
Profile   Post #: 20
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