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RE: Stress - 9/15/2007 11:22:16 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		 I've found I can have a satisfying BDSM D/s relationship (including BDSM physical activity like straps, belts  and spanking, and other things gradually introduced) and be more comfortable with it than I generally am in a "Vanilla" relationship, or in a D/s relationship (that simply includes No physical BDSM activity that is physically "disciplinary") - BUT - how comfortable, much less enjoyable for me it is going to be, depends on two things I have (or don't) feel  with the other person:

1) *Chemistry - (I need to be attracted. I can't always put my finger on what the "it" is that attracts me, but it isn't always looks - sometimes it is someone' s kindness, or brains, or what I "feel" from them, in terms of their Dominance (I am convinced this is subjective, and can fluctuate for me, depending on "where I am at" and what my needs are - and this can change, over time (and has) as much as some other people try to make these things objective - I don't think this is a static kind of thing, (for me). I am very flexible and open as far as what I can find attrractive - but it can fluctuate according to various kinds of "things" I am going through in my life; experiences I am going through (hope that doesn't seem "flaky" - upon close inspection, I think it's pretty common).

2) *Compatibility - (I have to like them, and feel we have some, if not many things in common. I need to respect them, and feel they are basically decent, smart, and if they have no sense of humor, well, it's just a lot harder).  It takes more than one 1-hour meeting for me to decide whether I am compatible with someone. More like a few months (depending on how often we interact, and what we discuss, or do, when we do). 

I can have a "scene" with someone (or find myself basically attracted to someone) I may not know extremely well (or even well at all)-IF I think these things probably would exist with someone, based on my intial gut response to them (except for some chemistry (attration) has to be there initially - but not necessarily compatibility as defined above) - But - I have also discovered -

If I find either of those two things above just don't plain exist between myself and someone I am tryng to attempt a relationship with (however long or short term it may be, at that point) - even if I initially thought they did (for whatever reason) then I find myself as much wanting to possibly punch them in the nose (or me maybe wanting to run away from them) for them trying to "Dom" me, as I want to be cooperative and pleasing toward them. To me, this is just being human.

Trial and error helped me discover this  (and IMO, I consider myself fairly independent a person, but there has been more than once I was convinced I "needed someone", when maybe what I really needed was more time alone. This really got me nto trouble once, with a Dominant). I don't think, though, that this is all that uncommon as a human response, either.

Basically, if there's no compatibility, or much chemistry, things can becomes more of a challenge and "work" for me - and a lot less enjoyable. I might even consider the other person ( if a Dominant) to be mildly to moderately abusive toward me (or I might start thinking I am abusing someone else - I am a Switch, and it could be a male sub I was with), if I don't feel I am compatible with, or feel chemistry with, the person in question.

**But - if those two elements are there, then D/s and BDSM physical activity can work wonderfully well. This has happened as well. When it works, it can be beautiful, and deeply satisfying (length of the relationship notwithstanding).

So IMO - maybe it's not that you're not into BDSM - I truly think finding the "right" person for oneself can make a big difference in how things work out or not (and this doesn't have to insinuate someone is super-picky; IMO there are people I believe humans are more compatible with, and might generally feel more "chemistry with, than others).

This might seem obvious - but I don't think it necesssarily always is.

Of course, IMO, it also takes a degree of self-honesty, and also self-confidence to believe to the core in this theory - Because you might run into a circumstance where you need to ask yourself: Was it me screwing things up via my behavior toward the other person, and that's why I am not enjoying it - or am I just blaming it on "chemistry" or "compatibiltiy" not being there?  Discerning the difference (if it exists) between these two  possibilities can require some hard-core, self-reflective analysis.

But, even so, IMO it really, truly can boil down to those two things - chemsitry and compatibility either being there (or not) - and you have to believe it is a legitimate assessment in some cases to make on your own behalf - Because there may be plenty of other people who (if you ask them what they think about this decision, including maybe your partner) will unthinkingly (or maybe because they are hurt, or trying to manipulate you) just mimic or mouth things they've heard so often in such situations as a response on the part of others - things akin to: "Well, look at your own behavior; you're just a "brat",  you don't "really want a relationship"etc - without stopping to think  that - not feeling "chemistry" or "compatibility" with someone is actually a legitimate reason to not go further with, (or to end) a relationship. 

I dunno if any of that makes sense - but it was something I was thinking could be very true.

And I am not insinuating by saying this, that people don't need to "work at" relationships to help them be successful, or not be willing to give and take, or be open and pleasant, and hope for the best, when they are getting to know other people (or be in a relationship with them long-term) - of course they do.

*More like - if they sometimes don't feel inclined to want to even try to do these things, that sometimes a general lack of compatibility and-or chemistry might be the culprit.

I wouldn't try to "make it work", simply because someone "liked BDSM as much as I did", if that was all we had in common (liking "BDSM" is not that rare a trait - this site has something like 400,000 members, world-wide. That's a lot of people, IMO).

But there are more than a few people, no doubt, things could work out with in a D/s relationship that included physical BDSM activity - and it would be pretty darn satisfying (for me).  

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 9/15/2007 12:20:42 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to AquaticSub)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Stress - 9/15/2007 4:20:10 PM   
MistressSassy66


Posts: 1675
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subsnow

Being a submissive/slave/bottom/whatever is extremely stressful if you ask me. When I first started my relationship with my current Dom, I was constantly on edge. I was afraid to do something wrong. I was always worried about getting punished. I had so many unanswered questions. I wasn't enjoying the tasks that I was told to do. Now that the D/s aspect of our relationship has slowly dwindled away, I think I'm happier. We still do BDSM stuff but the stress of the D/s relationship isn't there anymore.

I am constantly reading posts from people saying that they screwed up big time. Some are posting questions about what they should do in certain situations. Others are posting about punishments and other situations that they've been in with their Doms. I get the feeling that these people are stressed, tense, and afraid when I read these posts. I sometimes get the feeling that they are also desperate.

I understand that people like to live their lives as submissives and what have you. This is what I wanted tooand I sometimes still do. My questions is why? Why would you want the added stress of trying to please another person when life is stressful enough on its own? Is it because people think that they will have all their problems solved by the Dom? Is it because people think that they will be taken care of?

Perhaps this kind of relationship isn't as stressful to people as it was/is to me. I sometimes wonder what's happened to my view of the D/s relationship. I used to completely understand it. I wanted it all. Now it just boggles my mind and I can't stand it.

How do you feel? What do you think?


First paragraph...Proper communication of what was/is expected would save most anyone from feeling that way.Speaking up about not liking what your doing
would,I think,have helped.
Although not knowing the Dom in question...

Second paragraph...some of those "subs" are wankers.
some are desperate because of  lack of  communication.
some are  despertly looking for some Savior to get them out of the torment they already live in....Ummm...I dont reply to submissives that say that.
And the last bunch just simply need advice,the Forums should offer advice,I think thats part of why Forums are here...

Third paragraph...My no strings attached(cleans for free) maid patrice3737 is
absolutely happiest when busy. she is in no way stressed,she becomes relaxed enjoying what she is doing.
In My book My submissives can have any hard limit they want.
Forcing them to do it,its not the kind of Domme I am.Limits are limits.

My final thoughts are..I think its very Stressful to be the Dom/me too.
I also think that with communication...most problems can be solved.

Did I stress the communication part...lol


_____________________________

Mistress Sassy

http://www.mistresssassy.com

In the Immortal Words of Bob....Fuck the dumb shit.

"I love you not only for what you are,But for what I am when I'm with you."- Opening line from a poem by Roy Croft

(in reply to subsnow)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Stress - 9/16/2007 3:17:47 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		For some reason, I really liked this thread and the Op's question. Because I really do think concluding you simply might not be as compatible with someone as you'd previously thought can be something that can indeed happen in relationships. And I don't think that is always (necessarily) anyone's "fault". People change, and so can their needs. 

And I think in my own first BDSM relationship, I was just so thrilled to have found another person who was kinky, that I overlooked a lot that otherwise might have indicated to me faster that we didn't really "fit" as partners all that well together. I was thinking this can't be completely uncommon for other people to sometimes do, either. 

On another note: I also always thought that any Master I'd want would mostly be more concerned than anything if I was genuinely upset or cringing around him a lot (then again, I am excluding Sadism I guess, as a kink- but many of the Sadists on ths site appear to be fairly nurturing of their partners, any any Sadistic/masochistic exchange between them appears to have been previously negotiated, as well).

I have seen Doms who appear to get off on the power of their position enough that they actually do want to scare a submissive or slave more than might actually be near "good for them" (or desired by them in any way, or probably warranted) - and IMO these could very well be true psychopaths who are doing this more out of insecurity (or just to be mean) - and I'd make sure to try to be able to recognize and avoid those types of people calling  themsevles Dominants.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 9/16/2007 3:42:23 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to MistressSassy66)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Stress - 9/16/2007 3:25:11 AM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline 		I can't add a thing to what Beth said.  That's exactly how it is with us.  Well said, Beth........luci

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Stress - 9/16/2007 5:46:44 AM   
SirDraco7


Posts: 108
Joined: 8/7/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subsnow

Being a submissive/slave/bottom/whatever is extremely stressful if you ask me. When I first started my relationship with my current Dom, I was constantly on edge. I was afraid to do something wrong. I was always worried about getting punished. I had so many unanswered questions. I wasn't enjoying the tasks that I was told to do. Now that the D/s aspect of our relationship has slowly dwindled away, I think I'm happier. We still do BDSM stuff but the stress of the D/s relationship isn't there anymore.

Perhaps this kind of relationship isn't as stressful to people as it was/is to me. I sometimes wonder what's happened to my view of the D/s relationship. I used to completely understand it. I wanted it all. Now it just boggles my mind and I can't stand it.

How do you feel? What do you think?



I think, and no offense ment here, that your Dom messed up at the start.  He should've made sure you were ok, comfortable and that your questions were asked and understood.  Not pamper you, no, but he Needed to and Needs to make sure you are ok with where you are.  Because if you are not you are unhappy and stressed and that tends to break down the relationship.

This kind of relationship isn't stressful for many at all, I think it was and is stressful to you because you didn't understand it fully perhaps.  The Dom has to care for his girl just as much as she cares for him in my opinion.

I say just sit down with him and talk about your feelings and concerns.  Talking never hurts and can only help.  Perhaps it can help respark some of the stuff that you desire, without the stress.


As for Stress in general, Life is too stressful as it is to have much stress in a relationship.  It is unavoidable, but if you work together, you can make it feel as though it's not there.  :)



(in reply to subsnow)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Stress - 9/16/2007 10:15:47 AM   
LadyHugs


Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Dear subsnow, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
I gather you do not think Dominants have stress in a Dominant-submissive relationship.  I can assure you that regardless the role in any relationship--be it in a D/s and or M/s form and or BDSM and or S&M--stress is there.
 
How you deal with stress is what really counts.  Communications is the key, as to at least be heard and your worries known.  Dominants have their own kind of stress, as we are in a role of responsibility and if things go wrong--it is just as possible and or at times more so--the Dominant will be held accountable --to include behavior, words and actions/deeds of their submissive/slave; as they are reflections of the company a Dominant keeps. 
 
I highly recommend skills in which 'stress' can be expressed without a long expression--perhaps a code word, such as "blue" when in a blue mood or 'black' mood code when things are looking really grim--  Nobody is a mind reader so, when there are avenues to communicate that are understood--less time in speaking gives more time for supporting and doing something in order to address the stress. 
 
Sometimes people are worrying so much, they forget why they are in the relationship and how to have fun and or -- just understand that no matter the effort to obtain perfection--we're all humans with flaws.  And, like an old piece of glassware with a chip and a ding--it has character.  It has history.  It has a story.  So, it should be said of being a human --don't forget to live.
 
Just some thoughts.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to subsnow)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Stress - 9/16/2007 12:25:10 PM   
subsnow


Posts: 152
Joined: 11/26/2006
Status: offline 		Communication and finding the right fit seem to be the two most prominant themes here. I would have to agree. I did communicate with my Dom about the things that I was unhappy about and that is why things have changed. Now I am stressed out about something entirely different but such is life. Stress is unavoidable I think. I would have to agree that it's all about how you manage that stress.

LadyHugs, I know that it's stressful to be a Dom too. I was just bringing it up from a submissive's point of view because I am submissive. My Dom was stressed out with the relationship in the beginning as well. I think that's why we are both happy with how everything has turned out.

(in reply to LadyHugs)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Stress - 9/16/2007 1:49:51 PM   
NefertariReborn


Posts: 381
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Cyntilating

Hi Subsnow
 
[I am constantly reading posts from people saying that they screwed up big time. Some are posting questions about what they should do in certain situations. Others are posting about punishments and other situations that they've been in with their Doms. I get the feeling that these people are stressed, tense, and afraid when I read these posts. I sometimes get the feeling that they are also desperate. ]

You will and can also find those who are talking about their relationships who learn AND laugh through their mistakes...who are treated as ADULTS first and foremost and have entire relationships, with the ups and downs, struggles and joys and who work together through it all.  Discipline does not have to be about perfection or disobedience.  Boundaries and authority dynamics are what we call it in my/our relationship...
Stress is something that we deal with together, not create for one another...heck, life brings us enough of that on its own.  
Rigidity is for cocks and stocks..
life flows..and so do we...together.
 
Perfectionism is one of my character flaws...something he helps me get past..not something he expects of me..
 
perhaps what you are feeling is stress because youre basing/viewing what Ds/Ms/bdsm is for others and trying to fit yourself into someone elses molds> rather than finding what is compatible for your happiness and fulfillment as YOU define it in a relationship.....??
 


  Now THIS is a good response.  Love it!

(in reply to Cyntilating)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Stress - 9/16/2007 2:54:26 PM   
LeatherBentOne


Posts: 469
Joined: 9/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: softness

quote:

ORIGINAL: eyesopened

Stress is felt when there is mental or emotional conflict.  understanding the dichotomy of D/s can help minimize this conflict in my opinion.

"trying to please another person"  seems to be what you are finding stressful. 

i learned a good lesson years ago that when i try to do things to please someone else i am, in fact, being self focused instead of other focused.  i was put through an excercise which taught me to BE pleasing rather than try to please. There is a difference.  A flower doesn't DO anything and yet it is pleasing.  Often, just relaxing, being yourself, and allow positive and pleasant energy flow is all that is necessary.  D/s should not be an endurance test or an obstacle course, it is a way of being.


I went through a similar thing ... I was shown it was what I was and not the things I did that ultimately created the pleasing atmsophere .. I consider this a huge turning point in my understanding of service.


Bingo !!!!  

(in reply to softness)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Stress - 9/16/2007 4:03:00 PM   
SirCache


Posts: 159
Joined: 3/26/2005
Status: offline 		If you get bogged down in rules, duties, and worrying about punishments vs. rewards--of course you'll be stressed.  At its core element for me, being dominant or submissive is who you are, it is how you are wired.  You should never be stressed when you simply are who you are.

(in reply to subsnow)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Stress - 9/16/2007 11:31:32 PM   
MstrSkyWoIf


Posts: 238
Joined: 10/26/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subsnow

Being a submissive/slave/bottom/whatever is extremely stressful if you ask me. When I first started my relationship with my current Dom, I was constantly on edge. I was afraid to do something wrong. I was always worried about getting punished. I had so many unanswered questions. I wasn't enjoying the tasks that I was told to do. Now that the D/s aspect of our relationship has slowly dwindled away, I think I'm happier. We still do BDSM stuff but the stress of the D/s relationship isn't there anymore.

I am constantly reading posts from people saying that they screwed up big time. Some are posting questions about what they should do in certain situations. Others are posting about punishments and other situations that they've been in with their Moms. I get the feeling that these people are stressed, tense, and afraid when I read these posts. I sometimes get the feeling that they are also desperate.

I understand that people like to live their lives as submissives and what have you. This is what I wanted to and I sometimes still do. My questions is why? Why would you want the added stress of trying to please another person when life is stressful enough on its own? Is it because people think that they will have all their problems solved by the Dom? Is it because people think that they will be taken care of?

Perhaps this kind of relationship isn't as stressful to people as it was/is to me. I sometimes wonder what's happened to my view of the D/s relationship. I used to completely understand it. I wanted it all. Now it just boggles my mind and I can't stand it.

How do you feel? What do you think?


If you are that stressed it is possible you are not a good fit with your Master. Or maybe you need to sit down and communicate this feeling you have. I know I strive to communicate to My slave her best is what I expect and if she falls short we will work on it together. We are Master slave but we are also in a relationship and as we are we must work together and strive to continue to build communication and our relationship so we are both happy.

< Message edited by MstrSkyWoIf -- 9/16/2007 11:38:08 PM >

_____________________________

this is just my opinion, I do not claim to be an expert on life. I am just Me, Love me or Hate me I really don't care. I am the culmination of my life's experiences. I am an ever changing block of clay molded by life's experiences on a daily basis.

(in reply to subsnow)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Stress - 9/16/2007 11:36:52 PM   
whiteslavebitch


Posts: 479
Joined: 9/10/2007
Status: offline 		Being a slave, being able to completely be myself, I'm currently in the least stressful relationship of my life.

I'm happier now than I've ever been in my life. I don't
ever wish to go back to a life without M/s and BDSM.

Being accepted for who and what I am with no reser-
vations is very freeing.

_____________________________

MasterK's whiteslavebitch

formally collared 1/30/09

"I give to you my everything, you've given me these loving wings." - DMB

(in reply to subsnow)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Stress - 9/16/2007 11:42:20 PM   
MstrSkyWoIf


Posts: 238
Joined: 10/26/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressSassy66

quote:

ORIGINAL: subs now

Being a submissive/slave/bottom/whatever is extremely stressful if you ask me. When I first started my relationship with my current Dom, I was constantly on edge. I was afraid to do something wrong. I was always worried about getting punished. I had so many unanswered questions. I wasn't enjoying the tasks that I was told to do. Now that the D/s aspect of our relationship has slowly dwindled away, I think I'm happier. We still do BDSM stuff but the stress of the D/s relationship isn't there anymore.

I am constantly reading posts from people saying that they screwed up big time. Some are posting questions about what they should do in certain situations. Others are posting about punishments and other situations that they've been in with their Moms. I get the feeling that these people are stressed, tense, and afraid when I read these posts. I sometimes get the feeling that they are also desperate.

I understand that people like to live their lives as submissives and what have you. This is what I wanted to and I sometimes still do. My questions is why? Why would you want the added stress of trying to please another person when life is stressful enough on its own? Is it because people think that they will have all their problems solved by the Dom? Is it because people think that they will be taken care of?

Perhaps this kind of relationship isn't as stressful to people as it was/is to me. I sometimes wonder what's happened to my view of the D/s relationship. I used to completely understand it. I wanted it all. Now it just boggles my mind and I can't stand it.

How do you feel? What do you think?


First paragraph...Proper communication of what was/is expected would save most anyone from feeling that way.Speaking up about not liking what your doing
would,I think,have helped.
Although not knowing the Dom in question...

Second paragraph...some of those "subs" are wankers.
some are desperate because of  lack of  communication.
some are  desperately looking for some Savior to get them out of the torment they already live in....Umm...I dont reply to submissives that say that.
And the last bunch just simply need advice,the Forums should offer advice,I think that's part of why Forums are here...

Third paragraph...My no strings attached(cleans for free) maid patrice3737 is
absolutely happiest when busy. she is in no way stressed,she becomes relaxed enjoying what she is doing.
In My book My submissives can have any hard limit they want.
Forcing them to do it,its not the kind of Dom I am.Limits are limits.

My final thoughts are..I think its very Stressful to be the Dom/me too.
I also think that with communication...most problems can be solved.

Did I stress the communication part...lol



I agree communication is key however the person you are communicating too, taking action based on that communication is just as important. You can communicate all day long but if the one you are with dose not listen or hear what you say and then act on it it can never work long term.

edit for spelling

< Message edited by MstrSkyWoIf -- 9/16/2007 11:44:02 PM >

_____________________________

this is just my opinion, I do not claim to be an expert on life. I am just Me, Love me or Hate me I really don't care. I am the culmination of my life's experiences. I am an ever changing block of clay molded by life's experiences on a daily basis.

(in reply to MistressSassy66)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Stress - 9/16/2007 11:43:28 PM   
LadyHugs


Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Dear subshow, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
I highly recommend coming up with a system of communications that have levels to it.  Short blunt code words, for times that lengthy conversations would make things worse and add to the frustration.  A code to which limits the volume of expressing the stress factor and another code to let it all out.
 
It needs to be understood that one person's ability to receive all the stress and frustration their way and vice versa.  Having a means to understand how much communication can be handled by each other; helps so much.
 
Most times 'stress' is frustration in situations, not seeing immediate and or future results and or inability to see something resolved immediately and or in the future.  I think those who stress are really just showing their genes of being conscientious of self, others and or situation.  Some have stronger stress genes than others -- or, some hide stress and make themselves sick because it has no way to escape, vent and or purge.  This is why support is so necessary for all of us. (In a general sense).
 
Just some thoughts.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to subsnow)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Stress - 9/17/2007 3:51:08 PM   
phoenixsub999


Posts: 49
Joined: 11/17/2006
Status: offline 		My very first encounter with a Dom was extremely stressful for 2 reasons. I was learning about the possibilities and had no clue about expectations and so I was worried about screwing up all the time. And as many have said, it was not a good fit - he was very strict and into formalities and I have found with my Dom that that is not for me.

So lots of details + having no clue = superstress. 



_____________________________

When people show who they are, believe them...the first time -- Oprah

Wherever you are, be there totally -- Eckhart Tolle

(in reply to LadyHugs)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Stress - 9/17/2007 7:00:16 PM   
greyarcher315


Posts: 99
Joined: 12/7/2006
Status: offline 		  Life is full of stress, but if things are going poorly in a relationship, that makes more stress. If you are being stressed, work on the commuication aspect with your Dom/me. a relationship is work, and if you both don't make the effort, it will never work. Just remember to be respectful when bringing up concerns.

(in reply to phoenixsub999)
Profile   Post #: 36
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