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RE: Why do so many in this lifestyle lie about their ex... - 9/16/2007 7:51:58 PM   
TheIronOrchid


Posts: 21
Joined: 8/30/2007
Status: offline 		Let me be an inspiration to all those newbies out there.

I'm relatively inexperienced in the scene.  I have maybe a little over a years worth of BDSM experience.  Recently, I decided to dive into the scene more thoroughly.  I've been brutally honest about this with everyone in the scene that I've met.

Although it may be humbling for some to admit that they are inexperienced, I'd have to say that all in all it's been very positive for me.  I've received respect for my integrity.  More than a few Dom/mes have told me that they are very pleased that I don't pretend to be something I'm not.  Subs have described me as a "breath of fresh air" and tell me that because I'm so new, I'm not stuck in a rut like many experienced Dom/mes are.

Because of my honesty, I have no trouble finding play partners who are only too willing to teach me new things.  As well, I don't have any trouble asking questions of those with more experience than I have.

Now don't get me wrong, I have many faults.  Always telling the truth certainly isn't one of them.    However, in the scene, in relationships, or even if you're just trying to pick up in a bar, be honest even if you think it will take your skin off.  The long term benefits far outweigh any short term inconveniences.


(in reply to MistressDoMe)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Why do so many in this lifestyle lie about their ex... - 9/16/2007 7:59:17 PM   
Masque66


Posts: 185
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline 		Hm, well I've never lied about my experience, which is still slim though present.  However that truth has not proven to be a winning strategy.  Not in the short term, at least.  People either want to see experience, or they want to see a lack of it.  Is it really that surprising that one person will write what another wants to hear?

(in reply to TheIronOrchid)
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RE: Why do so many in this lifestyle lie about their ex... - 9/16/2007 8:55:09 PM   
fairfaxswitch


Posts: 9
Joined: 9/5/2007
Status: offline
quote:

men tell me they


Umm well people lie about their experience because in most cases, dominants or subs prefer other dominants or subs with more experience.

Personally speaking, if I was into CBT, I wouldnt want an inexperienced domme anywhere near my jewels.

(in reply to MistressDoMe)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Why do so many in this lifestyle lie about their ex... - 9/16/2007 11:28:46 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Because how many ads do you see from submissives that say "inexperienced dominant wanted".  

(in reply to RRafe)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Why do so many in this lifestyle lie about their ex... - 9/17/2007 12:32:38 AM   
DWCdelight


Posts: 9
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline 		I am a relatively new slave and have been blessed with a very experienced Master.  He loves to teach so I was very lucky in that respect.  I now know a lot of what I like but I don't think I could teach a man how to flog me--nor would I want to be on the receiving end of a flogger in the hands of somebody who is inexperienced.  As Master always says, W/we are two sides of the same coin:  He likes to teach and I enjoy learning.  He's the flogger and I'm the flogee!!!  If He and I were ever to break up, I wouldn't refuse to play with somebody with less experience than He has, but I would be very careful to ask how much experience a new individual has before I would lay down naked before Him!!!  And, maybe as time goes by I will become more comfortable in the teaching role.  Confidence has a lot to do with it too.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Why do so many in this lifestyle lie about their ex... - 9/17/2007 3:51:52 AM   
LadyHugs


Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Dear MistressDoMe, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
Unfortunately, people lie for as many reasons as opportunities and needs allow.  Their 'intent' is what governs them and some people have no troubles in lying and have believed their own con.  Very practiced, there are certain individuals who are deemed 'leaders' who have lied their way up to the top of national and or international attention.  I asked one 'leader' as they knew this individual had lied so much they were a manure factory all their own and the manure was so obvious every time they opened their mouth and behaved the way they did; and that leader said ... "Well, they know their s___t now."  Of course, this tollerance is rampit throughout the BDSM and D/s and M/s culture.  Those who have come by their knowledge honestly gain little respect and those who could expose the people who lied as to gain their success, the embellishing of the facts on their resume` as to get attention and be noticed; has become the normal and apathy allows such to flourish and always the threats by those who lied to gain their success and statue in the over all world wide, national and or local areas, to cause trouble and use lies against those who could expose these now well seated/entrenched 'leaders' for the lies in the past and or present and or conspiracies to thwart any honest future in what they control and or have influence in and or of.  There is a society culture-- an "A List" if you will.  So---why not the little guy? The beginner?  The want to be?  It has been tolerated in the past--why not now days? [Smiles]  The really nice thing about knowing about some of these people's manure--is that they tip toe around and avoid you--thus avoids filling your circle with their manure.
 
I know it is a people/individual problem really--for someone to feel the 'need' and or 'desire' to lie.  With BDSM, it is a culture which is a sub-culture and judgmental in every shape and form.  I feel it promotes a person to lie.  How many times have people thrown out--you are not real or true if [fill in the blank of reasons/excuses].
 
I do wish there was a pill to give, as to color liars a brillant color green, orange and or yellow--marking them for all to see.  It does not exist, thus we have to rely on our own gut instincts, experiences/knowledge and have the resolve that even the mighty have to lace their non-velcro tennis shoes one at a time like everybody else.  
 
That said, I also want to address that some people come into this lifestyle and or BDSM which never thinks about the future need to 'document' their history as they live it on a daily basis.  I came into the lifestyle focused on myself--not having to document, defend and or have someone who doesn't know me dictate what is true and or real.  When I came in the lifestyle, to be discreet was a plus.  It was considered vulgar to swish around the lifestyle, attracting attention to ourselves and or our partners.  I lived in a excluding circle.  Very selective and very discreet.  There wasn't a need to take down names, track people after we moved on or away from areas.  I do believe that those who have had pasts should not be discharged as false or untruthful when they give their creditials and their links.  At my youthful age, those who were my teachers, mentors and or Masters/slaves -- they were already old men.  These people are dying so--how can you determine if these people existed or not.  How many people can remember all of their classmates or co-workers after years go by?  This is the same situation I am concerned about -- A lot can happen in 35 years time. 
 
I am also able to chuckle and shake my head at some folks, who claimed in one of their writings that there was no sub-culture connection overseas in Europe.  BDSM has been a sub-culture a long time.  US Military personel assigned overseas and their dependents -- where do you think they go?  I am sure they meant well however, even in the US, I've seen people call their home Castle this or that or House this or that --and its just an apartment.  I must wonder -- what is all the drama about--so what if someone wants to put grand names on their house or identify their 'tribe' a certain way.  It isn't for the outsider--the peanut gallery to be so judgmental--the judgment should be reserved inward--our business, our individualism, our happiness and or our relationships.  Knowing we cannot control others --the only thing we can control is within our personal lives and our personal relationships (in a general sense).
 
So-- yes I can see where someone's story can read 'to good to be true' to others who haven't had the same experiences.  All paths are not the same for people however, there always needs to be a voice of reason, as to give thought that many things could be possible.  Regardless how hard to believe they may be.  I look at war stories of World War II (recommended viewing of Ken Burn's series)-- hard to believe stories and yet--most true.  My father had his stories.  I remember his military buddies verifying things Dad said, and him verifying for his buddy's children--as often they were beyond imagination and fostered doubt.  So, I plead that as individuals--we keep open minds and judge for ourselves--instead of others judging for us.
 
Just some thoughts.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs
 

(in reply to MistressDoMe)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Why do so many in this lifestyle lie about their ex... - 9/17/2007 4:00:22 AM   
came4U


Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline 		I dated some nutball short term that I introduced bdsm to because I thought I could 'create' him from the bottom up. Lordy big mistake.

Anyhoo, later, after it didn't work out, he thought it would be cute to create accounts here saying he was a Dominant with such n such experience.  In one case, he said he was experienced with breast torture in his profile lol.  I asked him when did he aquire that? He replied 'well, you saw some clothespins in the store that day with me, and you joked about trying it' LOL, oook, so that was his experiend LMAO.  He also remarked that he had experience in other things that we didn't do.  We didn't do them because he wasn't capable of it.  He tried to justify this as 'well, I wanted to'.  Wanting to and doing are two different things. I told him off until he removed the idotic profile before he actually met someone and hurt a girl.

Why did make up such fake experience? Hmm I assume he hoped he could do this with someone and 'wing' it as it occurs.  I hope to God he doesn't have a new profile.  It is men like that are a danger to society in whole.

(in reply to LadyHugs)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Why do so many in this lifestyle lie about their ex... - 9/17/2007 4:06:10 AM   
LadyHugs


Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Dear came4U, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
I agree, whole heartedly with your post.  There is a difference between wanting to do and actually doing and doing so on a practiced bases as to be skilled to do it.
 
It is extremely dangerous indeed for all involved, for those who 'think' winging it is same as doing it.  People get hurt and in more ways then one.  Reminds me of this Dominant who could talk with great experience 'online' about single tails and the like.  Met the guy real time and the chap couldn't whip himself out of a wet paper bag. 

I do believe some people have ego and or pride issues, which don't permit them to recognize that they do not 'know' everything.
 
Nobody is a know everything.  You might know a lot--but, not all.  It is being humble enough to know perfection isn't an absolute but, a goal to strive for.  It is more about the learning in the journey than the end to it.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

< Message edited by LadyHugs -- 9/17/2007 4:08:29 AM >

(in reply to came4U)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Why do so many in this lifestyle lie about their ex... - 9/17/2007 4:15:17 AM   
came4U


Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline 		dangerous indeed hun. yuk

(in reply to LadyHugs)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Why do so many in this lifestyle lie about their ex... - 9/17/2007 4:20:35 AM   
MissMagnolia


Posts: 3636
Status: offline 		Hmm, I have no idea. One of my slaves requested that I give him an enema as a reward. I told him straight out that apart from my not having any interest in it, I'd never done one and I wasn't prepared to try it out without someone who was experienced and knew what they were doing. I have no intention of taking risks that can possibly damage someone.

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Resident Whip Cracker AND Resident Orbs Of Joy.


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RE: Why do so many in this lifestyle lie about their ex... - 9/17/2007 4:34:30 AM   
MistressDoMe


Posts: 295
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fairfaxswitch

quote:

men tell me they


Umm well people lie about their experience because in most cases, dominants or subs prefer other dominants or subs with more experience.

Personally speaking, if I was into CBT, I wouldnt want an inexperienced domme anywhere near my jewels.


So you are saying you would prefer a woman lie about her inexperience, than be honest?
That sounds like what you are saying.
Statements like this is probably why so many lie.

(in reply to fairfaxswitch)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Why do so many in this lifestyle lie about their ex... - 9/17/2007 4:38:34 AM   
MistressDoMe


Posts: 295
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissMagnolia

Hmm, I have no idea. One of my slaves requested that I give him an enema as a reward. I told him straight out that apart from my not having any interest in it, I'd never done one and I wasn't prepared to try it out without someone who was experienced and knew what they were doing. I have no intention of taking risks that can possibly damage someone.


I have always been honest about what I feel comfortable with,  and procedures I am not familiar with.
I never thought it was a big issue. If someone approaches me with a laundry list of desires, I normally
point them to a Professional Dominant.

(in reply to MissMagnolia)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Why do so many in this lifestyle lie about their ex... - 9/17/2007 4:40:55 AM   
MistressDoMe


Posts: 295
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline 		Wonderful and well thought out post, LadyHugs.

(in reply to LadyHugs)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Why do so many in this lifestyle lie about their ex... - 9/17/2007 4:47:08 AM   
master218711


Posts: 17
Joined: 6/9/2007
From: Maryland
Status: offline 		It comes down to this.  The slave/sub wants someone experienced.  The new Doms know this.  They know that if there is a choice of an experienced Dom and an inexperienced Dom that the girl is going to take the experienced one every time.  Not only is it safer for the girl but they don't have to worry about trying to top from the bottom to teach the newie what to do.  So knowing all this, and knowing that thier chances are better if they say they have experience, are you that surprised that they are lieing??  It's been this same way since I started in 85 and I doubt very much if it is going to change anytime soon.  And the really sad part is that if they take the inexperienced one, then he messes up and hurts her, then she thinks thats how all of us are, or has to take a very long time to recover.  It hurts all of us then subs/slaves/Masters/Doms.

(in reply to MistressDoMe)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Why do so many in this lifestyle lie about their ex... - 9/17/2007 5:09:59 AM   
torchure


Posts: 14
Joined: 5/13/2007
From: Florida
Status: offline 		Hello all,

My first post. :) I have a lot of experience with forums and such, but never on here or a BDSM related forum. It does though allow me to know how I approach them. Meaning, I do not and will not post often, though I'll read a lot. Every once in a while though, something will catch and spark, and I'll weigh in with whatever chain of thought is born. So, with that, greetings to all and on with the meat.

Short answer:
People lie, because it is one of the many things that most people do. It is not limited to this sub-group or that one. In the "West", we live in a culture that not only tends to overlook lying, but actually rewards it. Bush, Trump, Oral Roberts, Ollie North, etc, etc, etc

Longer discussion:
The whole experience question is an interesting excercise in truth and thought. I will use myself as an example. I desicribe myself to all with whom this is a topic of discussion as extremely new, inexperienced, a n00b, and several other similar expressions. Why? Because that's the truth as I see it. What I would consider my "real" experience is limited to about 5 months with my most recent ex at the beginning of our relationship. For a variety of reasons that aspect of our relationship went away at that point.

But, ....
What is experience in a larger context? I have none using a flogger on someone. Haven't picked up a single tail except at a renfaire once, and everyone was careful to stay out of my way. (With damn good reason!) I could spend the next three pages listing all the things I haven't done. Yet. ;)

On the other hand though, 18 years ago as a young punk, when I took my handcuffs off my belt loops, placed them on my girlfriend in the mall, laid my trench coat over them so as to be somewhat descrete, whispered in her ear, "We're leaving. Now." and lead her out for an afternoon of fun that had her restrained to the bed and spanked. Is that part of the experience? I had certainly taken a dominant position and used some (admittedly very light) forms of play. Well, yes, and no. Yes, it was a single experience. No, I wouldn't then say, "I've been in the lifestyle for 18 years." In my eyes, that would be ludicrous. I could cite other similar incidents throughout my life. I still wouldn't use that to extend my actual experience. At best they're examples of my kink being pretty much life-long.

Perception is everything though. Usually the truth is secondary, at best. Simply because truth is subjective. We may find a million people who agree and thus argue that it is truth, but it doesn't make it so. Using religious examples, Christians say that Jesus walked the Earth a little over 2000 years ago, was the son of god incarnate, etc. This doesn't necessarily make it the truth, despite their many numbers. Muslims say that Mohammed heard the voice of Allah. This doesn't necessarily make it the truth, despite their many numbers. The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster says that the world was built the world using his noodly appendage. This doesn't neccessarily make it the truth, despite its great humor.

allyC wrote: It is really disheartening but unfortunately, like any close-knit or even like-minded community of people, there is an overwhelming desire on the parts of some folks to not only fit in, but to be better than the others.

Very true. I've seen this in the pagan community for years. Then it occurred to me that this, too, is nothing new. For thousands of years written works were attributed to older, more respected writers because their actual authors did not believe that the work would be respected on its own. I suspect that this is related to why people lie about their experience. Without the added weight of this supposed experience, they don't believe they'll get the respect they are due.

Someone else (Apologies, but I didn't note who it was before I started this), mentioned work and resumes. And that person was right. There's another double edged sword there though. Everyone wants experience, but very few are willing to give it. I remember being very frustrated over that fact when looking for a job. Still, I wasn't willing to lie about it to get the position. Same holds true for me in this context.

TheIronOrchid wrote: Subs have described me as a "breath of fresh air" and tell me that because I'm so new, I'm not stuck in a rut like many experienced Dom/mes are.

Ah, the novice has the edge because they'll try anything, whereas the master's disadvantage is that he knows what won't work so he won't try it. Certainly holds true in some contexts. :)

(in reply to MistressDoMe)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Why do so many in this lifestyle lie about their ex... - 9/17/2007 6:36:46 AM   
BoiJen


Posts: 2608
Joined: 3/7/2007
Status: offline 		Here's the thing about experience. People think it means they're good at something. Or that time "in the scene" equals experience. It's not how long you've been on the side lines it's what you really do with the time that you've had out there. People often tout about being in the scene "longer than you've been alive," and it more often than not means that they jerked off about it for a while and thne found this online thing and MAYBE scened twice in the last few years.

Experience means nothing. Who you are means nothing. What you do does. And what you do and experience aren't always the same thing. "I had x experience with such and such..." can translate to I read x many online pages and heard x many people talk about this. I saw it once. I've never done it. It's still an experience with such and such now isn't it? It just isn't an active experience. People are often full of shit. (I know some of you are offended but let's be honest....you know who you are...and if it's not you then don't worry about it) It's really up to you as an individual to investigate things. Don't blame it on the idiot for getting himself hurt...blame it on the fool who believed the idiot.

(in reply to torchure)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Why do so many in this lifestyle lie about their ex... - 9/17/2007 6:46:10 AM   
LATEXBABY64


Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline 		to make them feel they are more important. but people lie about everything so it is not supprise

(in reply to RRafe)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Why do so many in this lifestyle lie about their ex... - 9/17/2007 6:55:09 AM   
MasterMataeo


Posts: 215
Joined: 1/24/2007
Status: offline 		you would figure that more and more people when trying to get involved with someone on such a personal level would be more honest ,, not only withthe others involved ,, but also with htem selves,

I have had a few run-ins with people like that ,, and well you can tell withing a little while
if someone is true to what they have said ,,,

MasterMataeo

_____________________________

remember the Four corners: Communication, Honesty, Respect , and Trust

Try anything Once, Twice if you like it, Three times to make sure, four makes it a habit, and five makes it's a fetish.


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Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Why do so many in this lifestyle lie about their ex... - 9/17/2007 6:58:16 AM   
jaxnsax


Posts: 106
Status: offline
Greetings
Why do people lie about their experience? I could not say, since it really matters very little to me. It is quite easy to assess a persons experience level face to face, or observing how they play with others.
 
Personally, I would rather want to know the reason why so many have this NEED to stress how MUCH experience they have.
Just a rambling thought this morning.
jaxon

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A wise man makes his own decisions, an ignorant man follows the public opinion.
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Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Why do so many in this lifestyle lie about their ex... - 9/17/2007 7:01:57 AM   
greyarcher315


Posts: 99
Joined: 12/7/2006
Status: offline 		 There is a bog problem with people caring only about themselves. As long as they get what they want, it does not matter who gets hurt, or the problems it may cause, as long as it does not bounce back on them. So lying is ok, because it gets them what they want.
Of ocurse, lying about who experienced you are will not hold up in a long term relationship, as it will be very obvious very quickly. Lying works best with one night stands, and then off to the next person to lie to.
  What comes around, goes around. it will bite them in the end.

(in reply to RRafe)
Profile   Post #: 40
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