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Can someone become dominant? - 9/18/2007 10:05:31 AM

footslaveinct

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Joined: 6/6/2007
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I have been seeing someone recently in a "vanilla" relationship, but since I am submissive I always crave to be dominated. Recently we have begun playing around with my kissing her feet as sort of a stress relief for her or a good luck charm or other reasons I can dream up. She seems to enjoy it and now has even asked for it on occasion. She really does not have a dominant personality, but my question is can this change over time or be developed or is being dominant something born into you?

Post #: 1

RE: Can someone become dominant? - 9/18/2007 10:14:07 AM

MsLilac

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Joined: 5/31/2007
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Well, that really depends on what you mean by ‘dominant’?

But more importantly, does she know you are on here actively looking?

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(in reply to footslaveinct)

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RE: Can someone become dominant? - 9/18/2007 10:18:53 AM

Kimveri

Posts: 783
Joined: 7/14/2007
From: Vegas
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Howdy, footslave,

quote:

ORIGINAL: footslaveinct
She really does not have a dominant personality, but my question is can this change over time or be developed or is being dominant something born into you?

A person may have characteristics of a more outgoing personality, or a more laid-back personality & still behave in a dominant fashion in certain situations. I've found that it's more a matter of an apt collection of stimuli to prompt a dominant response, all a natural (& often subconscious) effort to establish a comfortable balance in the interaction.

The more submissive behavior you exhibit the more she will likely seek to balance that with dominant behavior. This presupposes that she seeks to maintain & grow the relationship. If your gentle nudges in that direction do not gain a positive response (but you want to keep the relationship) then stop nudging. If you ARE getting positive responses, then continue.

Power does not exist in a vacuum. In any relationship, someone will take the lead. While that may alternate between the partners, due to skill sets & circumstances, there's a leader at any given time. You can easily slip into leading the relationship into a D/s dynamic, even from your submissive position, if you don't remain cognizant of that possibility. It's a subtle thing, but it's doable.

Good luck & enjoy each other!

~Kimveri

_____________________________

"You get what you accept."

"It is always wise to examine the facts from all angles before one renders a summary judgement."~_Marcus_

(in reply to footslaveinct)

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RE: Can someone become dominant? - 9/18/2007 10:48:11 AM

Aswad

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Another important question is whether the OP wants to be submissive, or just wants to be treated as one occasionally.

For the former, it's rather "do or don't", and it'll either work out, or not. If she asks about it, a simple answer of "I like having you in charge" will probably suffice. For the latter, that will probably be confusing to her, unless explained. I think the key thing for that to work out, is for the OP to tell her- gently- that he thinks it's hot / romantic for her to take charge at times. Either way, she'll either grow into it, or back away from it. Respecting her choice in the matter is important, of course. As is being supportive of her as she is getting used to it, if she does indeed start to grow into it.

No need to wrap it as kinky, as a lot of people reflexively back off from something they like when they hear that word.

Health,
al-Aswad.

_____________________________

"If God saw what any of us did that night, he didn't seem to mind.
From then on I knew: God doesn't make the world this way.
We do." -- Rorschack, Watchmen.

(in reply to Kimveri)

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RE: Can someone become dominant? - 9/18/2007 10:57:40 AM

thetammyjo

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My short answer is: No.

I do not believe that someone can learn to be dominant unless it is all ready part of who he/she is all ready -- I'm using dominant here in the bdsm sense not in the can you learn to be more assertive in daily life sense.

I do believe however that almost anyone can learn to top, even someone with a hardcore submissive personality or desire can learn to top because topping is about the actions not the attitude.

If you wanted someone with a dominant attitude you may have picked the wrong person. If you want someone who will play games with you and learn to do certain activities she might be open to that.

However this will mean that you will have to do things for her as well. What if it turns out that she'd like to be topped? Can you offer her that in return? What if she wants to go to the opera once a month with you -- can you do that?

Get what I'm saying? If you want to get something you have to give something in return. When two people are in a good Ds relationship they give each other what they want usually simply by being in that dynamic. But when one person is not "kinky" you have to offer them something of equal value to what you want them to do for you.

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(in reply to footslaveinct)

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RE: Can someone become dominant? - 9/18/2007 11:05:05 AM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
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From: Nashville, TN
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I dont think anyone can learn to be dominant. That is more a personality aspect than a learned trait.
She can learn to enjoy some dominant activities, she can become a Top. She may never desire or be able to take the control on a regular basis but she might be able to enjoy enough activities to satisfy your desires. Talk to her about it, and see if she is willing to experiment with some other things. See what she likes, and maybe you can work on that.

DV

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VampiresLair

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 6

RE: Can someone become dominant? - 9/18/2007 11:06:36 AM

AFlyInYourWeb

Posts: 284
Joined: 8/30/2007
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"Sell the sizzle, not the steak".

What's in for her to become your Domme?

Send her this link: http://www.elisesutton.homestead.com/Main.html

If she has any latent desire to be Dominant, that site ought to give her reasons and the motivation to try it. If that spark isn't in her, accept her as she is, or move on.

< Message edited by AFlyInYourWeb -- 9/18/2007 11:10:29 AM >

(in reply to Aswad)

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RE: Can someone become dominant? - 9/18/2007 11:10:11 AM

footslaveinct

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To answer your question, I had been on this site before we had met.

(in reply to MsLilac)

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RE: Can someone become dominant? - 9/18/2007 11:10:55 AM

BBWnNC72

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From: NC since Jan of 2007, but born and raised in Cali
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I personally do not believe anyone can "learn" to be a Dominant or a submissive, i think that it is something that is in ones own self. Now i do believe that one can learn to TOP or bottom.
kat

(in reply to AFlyInYourWeb)

Post #: 9

RE: Can someone become dominant? - 9/18/2007 11:21:44 AM

MissSCD

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Joined: 3/10/2007
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Ahem!

Here is my answer. Yes, one can learn to be a Dominant. I don't think one can learn to be submissive if it is not in their heart.
I started as a sub. My personality is sub. I have learned from real time and online Dom/mes on how to be a proper Domme.
Worked for me. Been doing it four years now. I add a little more on as I go. Let her be herself. Try to find someone local to coach her, and that will help tremendously.

Regards, MissSCD

(in reply to BBWnNC72)

Post #: 10

RE: Can someone become dominant? - 9/18/2007 11:23:17 AM

RRafe

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One can learn skills, but one's nature is pre set.

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RE: Can someone become dominant? - 9/18/2007 11:39:18 AM

footslaveinct

Posts: 23
Joined: 6/6/2007
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I am beginning to learn there is a difference between a dominant and a top

(in reply to footslaveinct)

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RE: Can someone become dominant? - 9/18/2007 1:31:05 PM

MsLilac

Posts: 151
Joined: 5/31/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: footslaveinct

To answer your question, I had been on this site before we had met.

Well, that wasn’t the question I asked, lol, but nicely evaded ;-). Your profile still says you are actively seeking dominant women now, but you state you are in a relationship already. Hey, none of my business, what I do suggest is talking to her.

As you have observed there is a difference between ‘Top’, and ‘Dominant’, this is what I meant by my first enquiry “depends on what you mean by ‘dominant’”.

You can’t make someone do something they don’t want to, but I think that almost anyone can Top if they have the inclination (with varying degrees of success). What is a Domme to you? Someone too submit to whilst ‘playing’? Someone to help you fulfil a fetish? Someone to take all round control of you? Someone who gets you off? Someone you want to do things for? These are the questions that will help you begin to answer yours.

My personal definition of ‘dominant’ in a lifestyle sense (though everyone will have a different definition), is someone who takes all round control from a consenting person, inside and outside of playing - all round power exchange. But that is because this how I live. Not everyone will see it like that, or agree.

In that sense, then it is unlikely that someone magically becomes ‘dominant’, as that will require a personality change. I think it can develop naturally over time in someone, as people change, but I wouldn’t count on it, or try to force it. Would you want someone to control you 24/7?

If it is purely fantasy fetish fulfilment you seek (which is what I am getting from your profile) then she may be an open minded Lady. You say she has been receptive to your advances so far, so with her consent, indulge her (and yourself) in some more foot loving, going slowly, and increasing it with every time. Tell her how pretty her feet are. But mostly talk to her.

Also be clear with yourself and what it is you seek. Try and seperate the fantasy from the reality.

_____________________________

I’m sorry, I don’t do autographs

(in reply to footslaveinct)

Post #: 13

RE: Can someone become dominant? - 9/18/2007 9:55:26 PM

ocilla

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Give her regular pedicures and foot rubs and she will be more likely to let you have your way with her feet. lol.

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Ocilla

Nature is not a place to visit. It is home.
~ Gary Snyder

It takes a kinky village...

(in reply to MsLilac)

Post #: 14

RE: Can someone become dominant? - 9/18/2007 10:11:41 PM

planomaid

Posts: 77
Joined: 10/4/2004
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Yes, I believe that any person can learn, or unlearn to be dominant. The same goes for submission.

Our personalities and desires are not fixed in stone. Time and interaction with life can change you. Many people don't change that much from who they are over the period of their life. They may refine themselves, and become better at being who or what they are.

And there are others who completely change. Sometimes its in response to external stimuli, but other times its done purely by choice.

The thing to remember here is don't get caught up with terminology or the perceived notions or actions attached to "dominant" and "submissive", and every thing in between. Find a comfortable medium that works for the both of you. If you want to call what you are "peanut butter" and her "jelly" - and it works for you two - then you are set. It doesn't matter that others are confused by the words. It's not their relationship, its yours.

(in reply to footslaveinct)

Post #: 15

RE: Can someone become dominant? - 9/18/2007 11:31:10 PM

leatherzack

Posts: 59
Joined: 7/13/2005
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From my own little experience, the first thing is to talk.
It is not easy because of the thought bdsm can give to someone vanilla but then you will know if she is at least interested.

If she is not, then the best you could expect would be to have her topping you from time to time ... but to please you (and it is not the way i see a D/s relationship).

(in reply to planomaid)

Post #: 16

RE: Can someone become dominant? - 9/18/2007 11:59:25 PM

ricar00

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Joined: 2/11/2006
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Personally, i would be careful about thinking someone might become "dominant" or maybe "kinky" if vanilla. I think it may be possible, but i also think it is more possible that down the line that person may resent if you try to change them into something you want them to be but they are not. That won't usually work.
richie

(in reply to footslaveinct)

Post #: 17

RE: Can someone become dominant? - 9/20/2007 11:36:24 AM

EternalInferno

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Joined: 8/30/2007
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Isn't this like finding someone that will be with you and trying to change them? I see a whole lot wrong in this! You are about to fall over a cliff here.

Why not figure out what you want in life and relationships and then find someone? Don't play relationship games of manipulation and call it the lifestyle. That's just stupid no matter what one is doing!

(in reply to ricar00)

Post #: 18

RE: Can someone become dominant? - 9/20/2007 5:34:00 PM

ricar00

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Joined: 2/11/2006
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Hi EternalInferno,
i was responding i guess to the question whether someone can become dominant? i see dominant as a particular personality trait or way of being rather than something you play at.
I was also trying to describe my experience in my own relationship. My wife is not kinky and as it turns out really not dominant, especially in the BDSM way. It took me awhile to realize that and then i spent a long time trying to change her, or pursuade her to be something she was not. After that went nowhere, i chose to stay with her, but found others who could provide what i needed. My wife and i spent many an hour trying to come to a solution so not to get a divorce. That was our choice. We have been together for 30 years and relationships can be multifaceted and complicated. My point was not to try to change someone or try to pursuade them if they are against the idea and resist.
But thank you for your comments, because they are helpful.
richie

(in reply to EternalInferno)

Post #: 19

RE: Can someone become dominant? - 9/20/2007 5:47:18 PM

EternalInferno

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Joined: 8/30/2007
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Hi Richie,

Sorry hun, I was responding to the original question. Gosh I didn't even read yours! I read to a point in the thread and then posted what I did. lol Whoa... that will teach me to pay attention! Okay... maybe it will teach me... lol I don't want to live here and have to read every thread all the way! lol

I just see so many people trying to change people inside and outside the lifestyle. We cannot get our needs met by someone who hasn't a clue much less the personality dynamic's needed to meet our needs. I have seen some who will try to get someone not dominant to be dominant and it just doesn't work. I mean they might learn to top or play, but for the real dynamics of more than play... I just can't see it happening. It's sad. You're trying to get needs met for a reason. It just saddens me when someone must do that.

So... I'm sorry for the confusion!

(in reply to ricar00)

Post #: 20

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