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RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/21/2007 6:09:08 PM

YesMistressIrish

Posts: 1135
Joined: 5/1/2007
From: Calif
Status: offline

Elan, Wonderful writing, and it's a two-way street, no doubt. You wrote:

To answer this question as the receiver, here are some things dommes do that catch my romantic attention:

- Taking the time to tell me about herself in a detailed, meaningful way - someone who unwraps her soul before me and who is not afraid to reveal inner emotions, concerns, and insecurities.

- Communicating directly with intelligence, honestly, and passion. Showing that she has read my thoughts (or considered a conversation) and is interested in delving deeper.

- Making me a priority and demonstrating that my time is valuable.

- Being reliable - when a domme says she will follow-up, she does.

- Taking the time to get to know me. Digging inside my head to find out about my passions (inside BDSM, but especially outside of BDSM).

- Giving sincere, unsolicited compliments. (And yes, romantic things like telling me I'm sexy, intelligent, and adorable always work if they are in the right context.)

- Doing small, thoughtful gestures... sending links to favorite music, sharing stories about family, sharing stories about things that happened at work, sending flowers, etc.

- Flirting! Yep. Good, old-fashioned flirting never goes out of style.

- Being courteous and kind. Good manners never go out of style either.

- Demonstrating a balanced, mature approach to BDSM that shows an understanding of real life relationships and of human needs. '
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All that you say above is who I am and the things I genuinely love to do and take a lot of pleasure in the giving and receiving.

That being said, I will say more later....

smile

(in reply to ElanSubdued)

Post #: 21

RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/21/2007 6:16:47 PM

MisPandora

Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: YesMistressIrish

Elan, Wonderful writing, and it's a two-way street, no doubt. You wrote:

To answer this question as the receiver, here are some things dommes do that catch my romantic attention:

- Taking the time to tell me about herself in a detailed, meaningful way - someone who unwraps her soul before me and who is not afraid to reveal inner emotions, concerns, and insecurities.

- Communicating directly with intelligence, honestly, and passion. Showing that she has read my thoughts (or considered a conversation) and is interested in delving deeper.

- Making me a priority and demonstrating that my time is valuable.

- Being reliable - when a domme says she will follow-up, she does.

- Taking the time to get to know me. Digging inside my head to find out about my passions (inside BDSM, but especially outside of BDSM).

- Giving sincere, unsolicited compliments. (And yes, romantic things like telling me I'm sexy, intelligent, and adorable always work if they are in the right context.)

- Doing small, thoughtful gestures... sending links to favorite music, sharing stories about family, sharing stories about things that happened at work, sending flowers, etc.

- Flirting! Yep. Good, old-fashioned flirting never goes out of style.

- Being courteous and kind. Good manners never go out of style either.

- Demonstrating a balanced, mature approach to BDSM that shows an understanding of real life relationships and of human needs. '
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It being a TWO WAY street is the key point. Starting off with mutual expectations that she's going to be a human being and not the life support system for the whip that hits you is also essential. One cannot be the kind, caring, loving domina and garner a suitable subject when the pool is filled with nothing but fetish-seeking masturbators who have the DVD-image of Irene Boss unforgivingly kicking someone's ass playing through their mind 24/7.

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to YesMistressIrish)

Post #: 22

RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/21/2007 11:16:40 PM

ElanSubdued

Posts: 1511
Status: offline

quote:

chiaThePet:
Ok, to be honest here, cheetos, yeah, cheetos and Dr Pepper does it for me. Throw in a box of reese's pieces and i'm in a subspace frenzy.

Cheesies are my weakness. These and Brie. But never together.

quote:

Politesub53:
Chia is on the right track... send a few beers and a pic or two and i'm easy pickings

Now ya tell me! Geesh. Perhaps this has been my problem all along. I don't drink. And here I thought "tribute" meant posh shoes, toys, and a day at the spa when all this time what the dommes wanted was just my empties for the refund. :-)

Elan.

< Message edited by ElanSubdued -- 9/21/2007 11:56:19 PM >

(in reply to Politesub53)

Post #: 23

RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/21/2007 11:31:33 PM

ElanSubdued

Posts: 1511
Status: offline

Pandora,

quote:

It being a TWO WAY street is the key point. Starting off with mutual expectations that she's going to be a human being and not the life support system for the whip that hits you is also essential. One cannot be the kind, caring, loving domina and garner a suitable subject when the pool is filled with nothing but fetish-seeking masturbators who have the DVD-image of Irene Boss unforgiving kicking someone's ass playing through their mind 24/7.

Yep. I agree. However, to be fair, one cannot be a kind, caring, loving submissive when the domme acts as an opportunistic, unforgiving supremacist bitch who seeks nothing more than yet another worm for her stable. Because gee... oh look, she happens to have a cleaning spot open on Sunday afternoons. Wow. What an opportunity. I'll get right on that! Indeed, it *is* a two-way street. Thankfully, I've met a few dommes who seem to understand this (and one in particular whose lovely, truly heartfelt actions motivated me to write the OP).

Elan.

(in reply to MisPandora)

Post #: 24

RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/21/2007 11:36:08 PM

ElanSubdued

Posts: 1511
Status: offline

Mistress Irish,

quote:

YesMistressIrish:
Elan, Wonderful writing, and it's a two-way street, no doubt. (snip) That being said, I will say more later...

Thanks for your thoughtful post and I look forward to any further additions you make. :-)

Elan.

(in reply to YesMistressIrish)

Post #: 25

RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/21/2007 11:51:17 PM

ocilla

Posts: 1764
Joined: 6/12/2007
Status: offline

Those Reeses peices and cups...I don't know what I would do without my freezer full that I buy by the case at Sam's Club! I mean it works everytime!...I keep thinking the subs are eventually going to see through the trap or shake the all cunsuming Reeses addiction that makes them such easy prey....but it looks as if it may be garuanteed for life sub bate.

_____________________________

Ocilla

Nature is not a place to visit. It is home.
~ Gary Snyder

It takes a kinky village...

(in reply to ElanSubdued)

Post #: 26

RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/22/2007 1:57:20 AM

FullfigRIMaam

Posts: 718
Joined: 6/21/2007
Status: offline

Wear Leather, and back braking high heels?!

M

_____________________________

"touching was and still is and will always be the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni
"Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence." Erich Fromm

(in reply to ElanSubdued)

Post #: 27

RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/22/2007 3:14:51 AM

Politesub53

Posts: 14862
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

Elan, please excuse me if i am wrong, reading your op i get the feeling you are talking about someone looking for a relationship as against casual play.

If thats the case then the answer for me is simplistic. I am looking for all the things that generally attract me, without the trappings of BDSM. Your Op sums it up quite nicely. Much of what you wrote can also be applied when looking for casual play, but that isnt so critical.

Basically any relationship, casual or romantic needs a degree of connection to spark it off. And guess what, sometimes a picture of a Domme in leather will grab my interest and make me go read the ladies profile to see if we have anything in common.

Rudeness is never a nice trait, and while some guys may get turned on by it, it does nothing for me. Also seing a Domme whose profile or posts are continually cynical makes me think twice. I would wonder as to why she was thinking that way, and would it be possible to hold down a relationship with constant criticism taking place, again not in the BDSM sense. I am sure a Domina would get fed up with a submissive harping on about past experiences very quickly.

(in reply to FullfigRIMaam)

Post #: 28

RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/22/2007 4:45:08 AM

YesMistressIrish

Posts: 1135
Joined: 5/1/2007
From: Calif
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ocilla

Those Reeses peices and cups...I don't know what I would do without my freezer full that I buy by the case at Sam's Club! I mean it works everytime!...I keep thinking the subs are eventually going to see through the trap or shake the all cunsuming Reeses addiction that makes them such easy prey....but it looks as if it may be garuanteed for life sub bate.

Ocilla,
I have a great training tool for you if you're interested?

lol, I don't rememebr from the forums if you like to have this done for you or not, but all good boys and girls can learn good tongue control from this:
Have the sub keep a bag of smaller Reeces PB cups around, in the desk at work, etc. Then, the sub licks the peanut better out from the inside without breaking through the chocolate bottom. When they have done this over and over again they can apply this to a woman's anatomy so well: She will be very pleased with their sensitive and perfectly trained tongue.

And now, back to what Elan was intending this forum to be about:
It is about making it happen in reality, not fantasy.

It is about getting into their head, making them feel safe, and paying close attention to what they say/don't say and do. For that reason it is good to be friends first, no expectations, then the relationship dance can really happen.

I prefer to be friends first and take my time. Trust takes time, no way around that. For casual and public play it's a different story of course.
I appreciate subs who step up to the plate when I really need to get something done and if they have the qualities of a good sub they make it onto my permanent favorites list. Once they make this list, I plot and plan depending on that special connection we have, their dislikes, limits, needs, fantasies, etc.

I keep thinking I am going to type a bunch of my little romancing secrets here, then I hesitate.
I like to keep those things as a surprise, and what if my potential subs read this? lol.

Muahh baby!
Irish

< Message edited by YesMistressIrish -- 9/22/2007 4:46:51 AM >

(in reply to ocilla)

Post #: 29

RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/22/2007 9:27:17 AM

undergroundsea

Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

My attraction is a sum of what attracts me to a woman (socially attractive person) and that that pertains to BDSM. Initially when possibilities were few, an interest in BDSM figured heavily into the equation. With time, as the pool of dommes has broadened, social attraction and broader compatibility has become increasingly important.

As for being romanced, sure I respond positively to gestures that are exchanged between people romancing each other.

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to YesMistressIrish)

Post #: 30

RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/22/2007 11:08:37 AM

TexasMaam

Posts: 1467
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline

I walk softly and carry a big stick.

TM

_____________________________

~ My opinions are not necessarily those of the management... ~

(in reply to ElanSubdued)

Post #: 31

RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/22/2007 11:11:07 AM

BlackKnight

Posts: 767
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

I perfer to carry a crop, or paddle

_____________________________

'Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.'
Life of Reason, Reason in Common Sense, Scribner's, 1905, page 284"
George Santayana

Just because I'm paranoid, doesn't mean they're not out to get me!

(in reply to TexasMaam)

Post #: 32

RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/22/2007 5:26:40 PM

pixelslave

Posts: 1444
Joined: 8/19/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ocilla

Those Reeses peices and cups...I don't know what I would do without my freezer full that I buy by the case at Sam's Club! I mean it works everytime!...I keep thinking the subs are eventually going to see through the trap or shake the all cunsuming Reeses addiction that makes them such easy prey....but it looks as if it may be garuanteed for life sub bate.

I find them far too addictive to feel safe keeping Reeses cups around my place. The kids know that when it's Trick or Treat time, all Reeses cups go to Dad!

As for sub bait, yes I'd agree they could be very useful for that purpose!

- pixel

Collared to Majik

_____________________________

Chivalry isn't dead! It's for those who have it in their hearts & are willing to be taught. It's a way of life, a code of honor; this one's armor still needs some polishing!

(in reply to ocilla)

Post #: 33

RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/23/2007 7:03:42 AM

iwearpanties

Posts: 509
Joined: 7/21/2005
Status: offline

what am i doing wrongf then i never seem too get the attention of either Mistress or a Master .. ive sent out a few letters telling about my self mind i didnt write an eaasy or a noval but i did state who and what i am and what i like too be for a DOm / DOmme and thur eamils here at Collar me to locals in my aera ... all read there emials i saw but not one responce not even sorry im busy or no thank you ....maybe im bitching but if i ve seen others type in some of the fourms here take you time dont be pushy with your emails and be friendly and open which i feel i have .... All i ask is if the Mistress / Dommes /Domes require this form of emails form a sub then shouldnt they also do them same either saying sorry not intrest or im busy now ......

ps sorry if this is in nay way a negitive post but i felt i needed tooget this out there ...

(in reply to pixelslave)

Post #: 34

RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/23/2007 2:37:25 PM

ElanSubdued

Posts: 1511
Status: offline

iwearpanties,

quote:

what am i doing wrongf then i never seem too get the attention of either Mistress or a Master .. ive sent out a few letters telling about my self mind i didnt write an eaasy or a noval but i did state who and what i am and what i like too be for a DOm / DOmme and thur eamils here at Collar me to locals in my aera ... all read there emials i saw but not one responce not even sorry im busy or no thank you ....maybe im bitching but if i ve seen others type in some of the fourms here take you time dont be pushy with your emails and be friendly and open which i feel i have .... All i ask is if the Mistress / Dommes /Domes require this form of emails form a sub then shouldnt they also do them same either saying sorry not intrest or im busy now.

ps sorry if this is in nay way a negitive post but i felt i needed tooget this out there.

I can think of two things right away:

1.) Fill out your profile. You have no content and no pictures posted.

2.) If your post here is any indication of your approach to letter writing, you need to work on punctuation, spelling, and grammar. The correct use of capital letters, periods, and commas makes an impression as does omitting these. Spelling, grammar, and sentence structure also count. You're letter doesn't need to be the quality of a university paper, but some modicum of attention to correctness is important. For example, in your post above, you've omitted all capital letters and punctuation, and spelling and grammar mistakes abound. Worse yet, it isn't entirely true that you've omitted all capitalization. Rather, the only words with capitals are BDSM titles (which makes you appear like a horny net geek ) and even these are not capitalized correctly. Think about the following: if a domme has received many introduction letters in her inbox, what might she do with the ones that are difficult to read? I know what I'd do. I'd skip them! So yes, work on your presentation (both in your profile and in your introduction letters) and you'll get some responses.

Good luck iwearpanties, :-)

Elan.

(in reply to iwearpanties)

Post #: 35

RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/23/2007 3:03:27 PM

Laura

Posts: 573
Joined: 6/22/2004
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: offline

I used to do all the things as you wrote above in your question. I don't any more. If you give yourself (emotionally) to someone and have the door slammed in your face enough times you stop wanting to be that open and honest.

_____________________________

Bait & Switch - Adult column

(in reply to Politesub53)

Post #: 36

RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/23/2007 9:40:41 PM

ElanSubdued

Posts: 1511
Status: offline

iwearpanties,

The message editing time has elapsed so I'm unable to edit my post to you above. I just wanted to apologize because my advice came across more harshly than intended. Obviously, how you write is entirely up to you and I suggest doing whatever you're comfortable with. I don't like it when someone tells me I "need to/should" do something (albeit, sometimes they are right). My suggestions may help you get some responses, however, please use and discard these at your own discretion.

There are a myriad of ways to communicate. You don't need to write something fancy to send a message that is meaningful and heartfelt to the receiver. Take the time to tell prospective dommes about yourself and where possible, share ideas about life experiences you have in common or that interest you from their profiles.

I've always found it a good idea to read a profile more than once. Make sure you understand what someone is looking for and pick up on specific things that are unique about that person. In particular, mention what caught your attention and elaborate on this. Likewise, share your own strengths and passions. Avoid talking too much about BDSM. If a domme asks specific questions (about kink or other things), answer her questions, but still write a letter that demonstrates you're an intelligent, confident, attractive, courteous, thoughtful, well balanced person.

When you do sit down to write, don't use the Collar Me editor. Instead, boot up Microsoft Word (or whatever your favorite word processor is) and write with the assistance of spell checking and grammar tools. While writing, I always tend to have an electronic dictionary (www.dictionary.com) and encyclopedia (www.wikipedia.org) open. These two sites are wonderful reference tools and can help give your words a bit of flare. When you're done writing, proofread your letter before sending it. Check for typos, intended meaning, appropriate tone, correct grammar and punctuation, etc. Once you're happy with the letter, copy and paste it into the Collar Me editor and send it.

As to the letter itself, don't use form letters or templates. Write an original, personalized letter that specifically addresses the domme you're writing to (and her profile). Use the ideas I gave you above and most of all, while writing, just be yourself and have fun. Is it acceptable to use any boilerplate text? General stats about yourself don't need to be rewritten for every introduction, but I suggest keeping boilerplate to a minimum.

It's possible that you send a well written introduction and get no reply. This happens to all of us. The important thing is not to take this as a negative reflection on yourself. Sometimes dommes get flooded with letters and yours gets lost in the shuffle. Other times, you're simply not what the domme is looking for. Don't worry about someone not replying. After a reasonable period of time, if you think your letter may have been lost, send a polite follow-up. If you receive no reply to the follow-up, just move on.

Before closing, I'm going to add some blunt advice. Don't reply to someone who turns you off with their thoughts and personal style. If someone appears rude, self-focused, and unapproachable in their profile, it's unlikely they'll magically turn into sunshine and kindness when you write. Therefore, use your comprehension skills instead of your loins. Having a domme may fulfill your kinky dreams, but in reality, if someone can't fulfill you as a person, their BDSM interests and skills are irrelevant. Reply only to those who seem compatible with your personal style, values, and goals. This will improve your response rate immensely. (Short version: the pictures may be hot, but the words are almost always more truthful and telling. :-)

Once gain, good luck iwearpanties,

Elan.

< Message edited by ElanSubdued -- 9/23/2007 9:54:54 PM >

(in reply to iwearpanties)

Post #: 37

RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/24/2007 12:40:24 AM

destroymyballs

Posts: 5
Joined: 9/21/2007
Status: offline

Attraction is key. It's natural and instinctive.

(in reply to ElanSubdued)

Post #: 38

RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/24/2007 1:22:10 AM

ElanSubdued

Posts: 1511
Status: offline

Hi Laura,

quote:

I used to do all the things as you wrote above in your question. I don't any more. If you give yourself (emotionally) to someone and have the door slammed in your face enough times you stop wanting to be that open and honest.

I'm sorry that you've been hurt. This is never a nice thing to go through. I hope you feel better in time and are able to trust again.

Elan.

(in reply to Laura)

Post #: 39

RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/25/2007 12:48:12 AM

HelenaTroy

Posts: 93
Joined: 8/20/2007
Status: offline

Quote: "If you are a domme, how do you attract submissive partners"

Seems I'm a Sub-Magnet. They approach me. I appreciate being approached. I am, of course, referring to parties or clubs that are bdsm or fetish related, NOT being approached at the post office or grocery store! A confident sub is attractive. If they are shy and wait in the corners their chances of meeting a domina are going to be significantly diminished.

I remember meeting a sub who approached me at a fetish party and he was wearing an ashtray gag/mouthpiece. He zeroed in on me and came over to me and kneeled so the ashtray was right near my hand. I knew exactly what to do with him. He gave me a purpose for his use and then afterwards we were introduced. ;)

Another thing that is good to know is when to go away. Nothing's more annoying than a sub who has claimed me as his and won't quit following me around.

And also to reiterate the part about being confident and making yourself available and useful. If you're at a fetish party and you sit in the corner and wait for a domina to come to you, you will probably be waiting all night. It's your job to go to her.

And then there's over-enthusiastic in the annoying sort of way. Don't walk up to her with a gigantic grin and bounce with each word "Wanna tie me up?!" or you might get a Mallory Knox type reaction (reference to Natural Born Killers) - remember the line? "Next time don't be so fuckin' eager!"

:)

Helena

P.S. Always carry a cigarette lighter and offer to light ladies' cigarettes if the opportunity arises.

(in reply to ElanSubdued)

Post #: 40

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