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RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/25/2007 1:39:18 AM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy

Attracting a malesub for Mistresses is far, far from the problem --- its bonding with / finding a good malesub which seems to be the trick.

Naturally these things aren't reduced to prescriptive formulas.

I agree. Just having a profile that indicates you can switch or are a Misstress seems to get many many emails and inquiries. Hell when I had a sub only profile they still contacted me in droves asking me to switch. Finding someone that has some sense of self seems to be my issue.
l

(in reply to cloudboy)

Post #: 41

RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/25/2007 7:13:41 AM

YesMistressIrish

Posts: 1135
Joined: 5/1/2007
From: Calif
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ElanSubdued

iwearpanties,

quote:

what am i doing wrongf then i never seem too get the attention of either Mistress or a Master .. ive sent out a few letters telling about my self mind i didnt write an eaasy or a noval but i did state who and what i am and what i like too be for a DOm / DOmme and thur eamils here at Collar me to locals in my aera ... all read there emials i saw but not one responce not even sorry im busy or no thank you ....maybe im bitching but if i ve seen others type in some of the fourms here take you time dont be pushy with your emails and be friendly and open which i feel i have .... All i ask is if the Mistress / Dommes /Domes require this form of emails form a sub then shouldnt they also do them same either saying sorry not intrest or im busy now.

ps sorry if this is in nay way a negitive post but i felt i needed tooget this out there.

I can think of two things right away:

1.) Fill out your profile. You have no content and no pictures posted.

2.) If your post here is any indication of your approach to letter writing, you need to work on punctuation, spelling, and grammar. The correct use of capital letters, periods, and commas makes an impression as does omitting these. Spelling, grammar, and sentence structure also count. You're letter doesn't need to be the quality of a university paper, but some modicum of attention to correctness is important. For example, in your post above, you've omitted all capital letters and punctuation, and spelling and grammar mistakes abound. Worse yet, it isn't entirely true that you've omitted all capitalization. Rather, the only words with capitals are BDSM titles (which makes you appear like a horny net geek ) and even these are not capitalized correctly. Think about the following: if a domme has received many introduction letters in her inbox, what might she do with the ones that are difficult to read? I know what I'd do. I'd skip them! So yes, work on your presentation (both in your profile and in your introduction letters) and you'll get some responses.

Good luck iwearpanties, :-)

Elan.

*Clapping*
Anyone know how to type a clapping emoticon? I didn't see one in the emoticons listed here.

*blows a kiss to Elan.

Irish

(in reply to ElanSubdued)

Post #: 42

RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/25/2007 7:16:27 AM

breatheasone

Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline

_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

(in reply to YesMistressIrish)

Post #: 43

RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/25/2007 8:59:05 AM

pixelslave

Posts: 1444
Joined: 8/19/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: HelenaTroy

P.S. Always carry a cigarette lighter and offer to light ladies' cigarettes if the opportunity arises.

If a woman smoked, as a non-smoker who wouldn't want to be with a smoker, I wouldn't consider us compatible. Thus I don't and wouldn't carry a cigarette lighter with me.

- pixel

Collared to Majik

_____________________________

Chivalry isn't dead! It's for those who have it in their hearts & are willing to be taught. It's a way of life, a code of honor; this one's armor still needs some polishing!

(in reply to HelenaTroy)

Post #: 44

RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/25/2007 12:26:26 PM

HelenaTroy

Posts: 93
Joined: 8/20/2007
Status: offline

Pixelslave, perhaps I'm not understanding you. The lighting of the cigarette thing is simply gentlemanly and polite. So are you saying that would only hold open a door for a woman you thought was compatible with you? That you would only do something polite for a lady because you want to "be with her"?

This makes absolutely no sense to me at all.

I think you're misunderstanding the point of the lighting of the cigarette. However, I can understand you having an aversion to it. Not all women that smoke on occasion are chimneys. I know a domme who only smokes when subs are around becuase she wants to ash on them.

Helena

(in reply to pixelslave)

Post #: 45

RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/25/2007 12:32:58 PM

LotusSong

Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline

How do I attract a submissive? I don't TRY to attract a submissive :)

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

(in reply to ElanSubdued)

Post #: 46

RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/25/2007 1:51:13 PM

youngsubgeoff

Posts: 900
Joined: 9/25/2007
From: The Asylum
Status: offline

It seems to me that men have a harder time in starting a relationship than women do. Personally, its seems like I always have to do the leg work, such as making first contact, trying to show her that Im an interesting person, etc. Quite honestly, I think alot of other men, both dominant and sub, get tired of this like I do. I want someone to approach me for once, try and interest me, not the other way around.

(in reply to Politesub53)

Post #: 47

RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/25/2007 1:59:12 PM

lovetokissnylons

Posts: 117
Joined: 10/17/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: HelenaTroy

Quote: "If you are a domme, how do you attract submissive partners"

P.S. Always carry a cigarette lighter and offer to light ladies' cigarettes if the opportunity arises.

Ms. Troy, it's been a long time since I smoked. How do you feel (and how do other Dommes reading this feel ?) about whether the sub is carrying matches vs. carrying a lighter ? Obviously with matches I'd not want the initial phosphorus flash or smell or smoke to blow toward the lady whose cigarette I'd be lighting, but is lighting her cigarette with matches considered less classy (less submissive ?) than with a cigarette lighter ? Thank you.

(in reply to HelenaTroy)

Post #: 48

RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/25/2007 2:02:27 PM

undergroundsea

Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3
Just having a profile that indicates you can switch or are a Misstress seems to get many many emails and inquiries.

I am more likely to respond to a profile when I feel potential for social attraction. I define social attraction as sum attraction due to a person's physical, mental, and social attributes. I am less likely to respond to a profile that lists simply an orientation. In my opinion, listing only the orientation will bring a greater ratio of responses from those to whom only the orientation matters.

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 49

RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/25/2007 2:19:51 PM

undergroundsea

Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: HelenaTroy
P.S. Always carry a cigarette lighter and offer to light ladies' cigarettes if the opportunity arises.

I do not smoke. But I carry a lighter ;-)

I have stopped at convenience stores to buy a lighter when I have forgotten one or my lighter is out of fuel. I have gotten into wrestling matches over who gets to light a cigarette. Just kidding ;-)

I have a Zippo. And when the zippo is acting up, I often have a back up lighter. At times I have been handed a Bic lighter and I used to be not good with them with respect to getting it to light. So I got a Bic lighter to practice and my batting average improved to about a 1000%---for getting a flame on the first attempt to light, that is ;-)

I enjoy being attentive and find reward in that act of service. Lighting cigarettes fits my style of elegant decadence (inside joke). And there are plenty of fascinating women who, at least on occasion, smoke. I enjoy flirting. I enjoy conversation. I enjoy play or submission that is not necessarily a long-term relationship. So it works with my circumstances.

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to HelenaTroy)

Post #: 50

RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/25/2007 4:24:16 PM

ElanSubdued

Posts: 1511
Status: offline

YesMistressIrish,

--- *Clapping*
--- Anyone know how to type a clapping emoticon?
--- I didn't see one in the emoticons listed here.
--- *blows a kiss to Elan*

Thank you!

*giggles at the irony*

Note my advice to iwearpanties: "Your letter doesn't need to be the quality of a university paper, but some modicum of attention to correctness is important". I meant to write the possessive pronoun "your" (as I have here) and not the contraction of "you are" (you're) which is a typo I made when posting originally. Also, if you look at my profile, you'll notice a bit of hypocrisy. I once had a very detailed description posted, but this is now almost blank. There is a simple explanation. I'm busy with life and my romantic attention is currently occupied. In other words, my dance card is full so having a detailed profile on Collar Me isn't a high priority. :-)

Thanks for the kiss and for your kind words Mistress Irish.

Elan.

(in reply to YesMistressIrish)

Post #: 51

RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/25/2007 6:41:34 PM

ElanSubdued

Posts: 1511
Status: offline

HelenaTroy,

quote:

pixelslave:
If a woman smoked, as a non-smoker who wouldn't want to be with a smoker, I wouldn't consider us compatible. Thus I don't and wouldn't carry a cigarette lighter with me.

HelenaTroy:
Pixelslave, perhaps I'm not understanding you. The lighting of the cigarette thing is simply gentlemanly and polite. So are you saying that would only hold open a door for a woman you thought was compatible with you? That you would only do something polite for a lady because you want to "be with her"? This makes absolutely no sense to me at all.

I don't think this is what Pixel is saying. If I may, I'll illuminate my own reservations. There are three reasons why I'm reluctant to light cigarettes for people:

1.) I have no desire to abet someone in poisoning themselves.

2.) Lighting a cigarette is rude to others and places others (and myself) in the harm of second-hand smoke.

3.) Cigarette smoking is a personal turn-off.

quote:

undergroundsea:
I enjoy being attentive and find reward in that act of service. Lighting cigarettes fits my style of elegant decadence (inside joke). And there are plenty of fascinating women who, at least on occasion, smoke. I enjoy flirting. I enjoy conversation. I enjoy play or submission that is not necessarily a long-term relationship.

Sea's comments are interesting. Indeed, I (too) enjoy the aspects of service, flirting, conversation, and of being helpful to my partner and to others. My struggle with cigarettes is that I know these are extremely harmful. I've had partners who smoked and this was always a very difficult thing (intellectually and emotionally) for me to support. On the one hand, I want to love and help my partner in the way she needs. Conversely (and yes, I'm going to debunk a BDSM myth here), although I'm a submissive, I'm still responsible for looking after my partner. Aiding something likely to give my partner and others a terminal disease doesn't feel responsible, supportive, or loving. It is impossible to know which cigarette caries the death blow (it could be the first or one many thousands later). Thus, in addition to feeling irresponsible and wrong, the Russian Roulette aspects are also unsettling. Ultimately, I prefer to help people quit smoking (by providing whatever support I can) over assisting them in lighting up.

At the risk of putting words in Pixelslave's mouth, I think safety and personal preference are why Pixel doesn't choose partners who smoke. Likewise, if your partner doesn't smoke, there is no need to carry a lighter around. For some, as Sea alluded, the act of courteously lighting another's cigarette is a pleasure. This doesn't bring good feelings for people like Pixel and I and consequently we don't do it. My desire not to light cigarettes has nothing to do with whether I have romantic interest in the receiver and I'm guessing this is the same for Pixel.

Side note: regarding opening doors for women (or for people in general), I always open doors for people, men and women alike.

Elan.

(in reply to HelenaTroy)

Post #: 52

RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/25/2007 6:50:54 PM

undergroundsea

Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ElanSubdued
My struggle with cigarettes is that I know these are extremely harmful.

I see what you are saying, Elan. I do not feel as strongly about cigarettes and, while I prefer being in a smoke-free environment, I enjoy events where smoke is present enough to be ok with it. However, if someone did something about which I felt more strongly, I can see myself being not as enthusiastic. For instance, I do not see myself carrying a syringe and the like ;-)

I think our feelings about the effects of smoking are at different points on the spectrum. Most cities in Texas, at least in Austin, only allow smoking in designated areas and I do not see lighting a cigarette in such an area to be rude to others or as dangerous as you see it. I differentiate between cigarettes and cyanide ;-)

I think the broader point that HelenaTroy makes about attentiveness and gentlemanly behavior applies. For people for whom cigarette smoking is a strong issue, other ways of achieving such behavior would still be helpful.

Cheers,

Sea

< Message edited by undergroundsea -- 9/25/2007 7:48:56 PM >

(in reply to ElanSubdued)

Post #: 53

RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/25/2007 7:43:49 PM

ElanSubdued

Posts: 1511
Status: offline

Hi Sea,

Thanks for replying. :-)

--- I do not feel as strongly about cigarettes and, while I
--- prefer being in a smoke-free environment, I enjoy events
--- where smoke is present enough to be ok with it.

On extremely rare occasions, I find the smell of smoke downright sexy. I have, for example, shared a cigar with my partner and the after-taste on our bodies is dirty, enticing, hot, and in it's own, unique way, truly sublime. I'll underline though that this is an odd, hypocritical little fetish of mine and I don't like to partake in it regularly. This is a "once every few years" type of thing and frankly, I could be very happy if I never "partook" again.

Where I live, it is illegal to smoke in public places. The only public areas where it is legal to smoke are enclosed, specially designated rooms (which are optional for pub and bar owners, event organizers, and employers to provide). Many public places no longer provide smoking areas and thus, when one goes out, it is common that smoking simply isn't allowed. Thus, smoking isn't an issue at events and neither is lighting a domme's cigarette. So there you have it. Problem solved.

Elan.

< Message edited by ElanSubdued -- 9/25/2007 7:46:47 PM >

(in reply to undergroundsea)

Post #: 54

RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/25/2007 7:57:10 PM

undergroundsea

Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ElanSubdued
So there you have it. Problem solved.

Yeah well what do you have to say about world hunger, wise guy? ;-)

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to ElanSubdued)

Post #: 55

RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/25/2007 8:57:54 PM

pixelslave

Posts: 1444
Joined: 8/19/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: HelenaTroy

Pixelslave, perhaps I'm not understanding you. The lighting of the cigarette thing is simply gentlemanly and polite. So are you saying that would only hold open a door for a woman you thought was compatible with you? That you would only do something polite for a lady because you want to "be with her"?

This makes absolutely no sense to me at all.

I think you're misunderstanding the point of the lighting of the cigarette. However, I can understand you having an aversion to it. Not all women that smoke on occasion are chimneys. I know a domme who only smokes when subs are around becuase she wants to ash on them.

Helena

I'm an absolute gentleman when it comes to opening doors for others, pulling out chairs to seat them, helping with coats, carrying bags and so much more. However, I simply don't wish to be around second hand smoke nor do I want to enable the habits of those who wish to pollute the air I breathe when they choose to light up when near me. I respect their right to smoke in their own space away from where I'm at, but actively choose not to be around it when I have a choice.

I greatly dislike the smell of cigarette smoke on me when I've been around it, or smell it on my partner. It's an absolute and total turn-off to me. You'd be 100% accurate to call it a hard-limit for me as I would not consider serving a Mistress who smoked! How could she possibly make decisions on my behalf about what's best for me or "Us", when she she doesn't possess the self-discipline to even properly manage her own health??

Just my POV on the subject from where I sit and view things from below...

- pixel

Collared to Majik

_____________________________

Chivalry isn't dead! It's for those who have it in their hearts & are willing to be taught. It's a way of life, a code of honor; this one's armor still needs some polishing!

(in reply to HelenaTroy)

Post #: 56

RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/25/2007 10:27:22 PM

undergroundsea

Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pixelslave
I respect their right to smoke in their own space away from where I'm at, but actively choose not to be around it when I have a choice.

Your choice about avoiding smoke is fair enough.

quote:

How could she possibly make decisions on my behalf about what's best for me or "Us", when she she doesn't possess the self-discipline to even properly manage her own health??

However, I know too many intelligent and competent people who smoke to make the equivalence you suggest.

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to pixelslave)

Post #: 57

RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/26/2007 8:47:51 AM

pixelslave

Posts: 1444
Joined: 8/19/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: undergroundsea

quote:

ORIGINAL: pixelslave
How could she possibly make decisions on my behalf about what's best for me or "Us", when she she doesn't possess the self-discipline to even properly manage her own health??

However, I know too many intelligent and competent people who smoke to make the equivalence you suggest.

Cheers,

Sea

Fair enough. Let's just say that a woman who is intelligent and still chooses to smoke, isn't likely to share the same vanilla lifestyle interests and habits that I have and thus wouldn't make decisions regarding health, exercise & safety that I would feel comfortable with. I doubt she'd want to vacation in the Rockies, camping at altitude, or be capable of hiking to the top of a Colorado Fourteener if she was a smoker. That's something I'd like to be able to enjoy with the woman who is the Mistress in my life.

- pixel

Collared to Majik

_____________________________

Chivalry isn't dead! It's for those who have it in their hearts & are willing to be taught. It's a way of life, a code of honor; this one's armor still needs some polishing!

(in reply to undergroundsea)

Post #: 58

RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/26/2007 2:40:02 PM

undergroundsea

Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pixelslave
or be capable of hiking to the top of a Colorado Fourteener if she was a smoker.

Gosh, even my non-smoking lungs would have trouble keeping up with that ;-)

Even without the activities, I think your choice to keep yourself at a distance from smoke is fair enough.

Cheers,

Sea

< Message edited by undergroundsea -- 9/26/2007 2:44:51 PM >

(in reply to pixelslave)

Post #: 59

RE: How do you attract a submissive? - 9/26/2007 2:51:35 PM

ocilla

Posts: 1764
Joined: 6/12/2007
Status: offline

Hey guys,

I appreciate the brief exchange on smoking as I believe it brings that whole gray area into play that interweaves the vanilla, the partnership portion of relations and wiitwd together. It also points out that the dynamic is so very personal between two people. I am a BBW and for many that is as hard a limit as smoking and it can bring up all kinds of judgments and purely asthetic triggers. Thanks for defining the nuances in a very well thought out and thoughtful way -and imo all sides are quite valid.

And I will throw one more topic or variable into the mix. Athough a Dom/me may have an health imperfection that they grapple with which behavior, will power and choice can improve upon, I encourage keeping an open mind. I posted a Q on the general board sometime ago asking for opinions on whether a sub could be a personal trainer to a dom/me and the dynamic remain intact. The opinions were quite varied. Once again just food for thought.

< Message edited by ocilla -- 9/26/2007 2:55:07 PM >

_____________________________

Ocilla

Nature is not a place to visit. It is home.
~ Gary Snyder

It takes a kinky village...

(in reply to pixelslave)

Post #: 60

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