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Finding Balance - 9/19/2007 8:15:03 PM

flowspen

Posts: 133
Joined: 5/5/2007
From: Memphis
Status: offline

i feel like i have two sides to me within this lifestyle. A part of me yerns for the more physical, the pain, degregation, humiliation and the other part of me wants to be adored, valued and more of a power exchange. i find it extremely difficult to find balance within a Dominant Woman were i can experience both it always seems to be that i have to chose between one side or the other. Is it possible to have both sides at once? and When so many constantly tell me that this lifestyle is all about the Dominant how does a submissive get what he/she needs in this lifestyle?

Post #: 1

RE: Finding Balance - 9/20/2007 6:55:03 AM

LadyLynx

Posts: 1098
Joined: 7/24/2007
Status: offline

I don't know why not. I kind of look at it this way: play time is the time to be the "Bitch Goddess" (exept when subbie does something really bad of course!) then afterwords be really warm and nurturing, compassionate. As for experiencing both at once well, unless you find a Domme that has a split personality that changes from one to other consistantly, I don't think that would be possible. Just go with your instincts/feelings and don't let anybody tell you that you shouldn't feel this way. personally, I desire the same with my Mistress, (haven't found her yet.):)

< Message edited by LadyLynx -- 9/20/2007 6:56:27 AM >

_____________________________

Our community maybe openminded as a whole, but it is still made up of individuals who bring in their own opinions,baggage and agendas!

Known as SwitchWitch in my local community,and on IRC Bondage.

I also go by the nic SwitchWitch on MDS.

(in reply to flowspen)

Post #: 2

RE: Finding Balance - 9/20/2007 11:02:24 AM

EternalInferno

Posts: 47
Joined: 8/30/2007
Status: offline

I am not sure if I understand what you are saying correctly. Sorry, just a bit tired here.

If I am understanding you correctly... I see no reason why you cannot have it all. In fact, I wouldn't consider a relationship of one or the other and must have both in my relationships. I think sometimes it is just a matter of finding the right person for you. Take your time, don't rush in. Temper your needs so that you aren't too needy and will accept less than what you really want.

Personally, I don't feel the lifestyle is about the dominant. In a relationship it is about both. If it is just play or a fulfillment of certain needs, there isn't always a need for both, but in a relationship I feel there is. There will be times when the submissive isn't considered, but that in my life is a rarity and determined by what is needed in the situation.

Let me ask you this... If a submissive doesn't get their needs met, what do you call that? If that isn't what you want, then don't get into those types of relationships.

Good luck to you!

(in reply to LadyLynx)

Post #: 3

RE: Finding Balance - 9/20/2007 11:52:34 AM

flowspen

Posts: 133
Joined: 5/5/2007
From: Memphis
Status: offline

i feel if the sub never gets what they need then they will be unhappy and not willing to serve at there best if at all. i am slowing down and making friends on this site. Not rushing it and just chit chatting alot. i have a few that give me sound advice and work on me so i am not as needy as i use to be.

Thank you..

(in reply to EternalInferno)

Post #: 4

RE: Finding Balance - 9/20/2007 2:42:37 PM

EternalInferno

Posts: 47
Joined: 8/30/2007
Status: offline

flowspen,

Sounds like a good starting place for you then. I guess I am still confused. lol

You are very correct that if a submissive isn't getting what they need, they don't serve (in my opinion) as well. But then, they shouldn't! I look at it like this. We have dominant personalities and submissive ones. We are different, but as far as I am concerned that doesn't mean that someone is worth more as a person than the other. We only have different needs. There are relationships where it is agreed upon that one will mean less or won't get certain things provided, but that is their relationship, not mine! lol I say go for it all. Whatever you want and find someone that wants to be with you, doing things however the two of you decide.

Know yourself and then step out there and find what you want. No need to deny yourself because some say a dominant rules the world and it's only done such and such a way. My way doesn't fit most submissives; however it does fit at least one submissive at this time very well! lol Just go out and have fun doing it your way. The only one that should be able to tell you it can't be your way in some way is the one you give that power to!

Have fun!

(in reply to flowspen)

Post #: 5

RE: Finding Balance - 9/20/2007 2:56:15 PM

MISTRESSKUMA

Posts: 226
Joined: 8/15/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: flowspen

i feel like i have two sides to me within this lifestyle. A part of me yerns for the more physical, the pain, degregation, humiliation and the other part of me wants to be adored, valued and more of a power exchange. i find it extremely difficult to find balance within a Dominant Woman were i can experience both it always seems to be that i have to chose between one side or the other. Is it possible to have both sides at once? and When so many constantly tell me that this lifestyle is all about the Dominant how does a submissive get what he/she needs in this lifestyle?

be a switch so that that way you can be a 1) dom man so you can be adored and serviced, 2) then switch sometimes and be a bottom and get a domme service top to give you orders that you have to obey, beat you around the room and spit on you and make fun of your downfalls and things humiliating like that or 3) just find a domme who loves you and beats you up and degrades and humiliated you.

If you want it to be all about YOU than sticking to the DOM side will make you .... happier. Theres alot of submissive girls just looking for a man to make it all about HIM but if you are happier when its all about HER, than get a domme, but be a dom yourself.

< Message edited by MISTRESSKUMA -- 9/20/2007 2:59:22 PM >

(in reply to flowspen)

Post #: 6

RE: Finding Balance - 9/20/2007 3:02:23 PM

MISTRESSKUMA

Posts: 226
Joined: 8/15/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: flowspen

i feel if the sub never gets what they need then they will be unhappy and not willing to serve at there best if at all. i am slowing down and making friends on this site. Not rushing it and just chit chatting alot. i have a few that give me sound advice and work on me so i am not as needy as i use to be.

Thank you..

I think its fair to say that it all depends on what the sub wants. If the sub wants it to be all about her, and she expects it to be all about her, then he gets what he wants and he will be happy but if the sub wants it to be all about him mostely, then he will like a service top domme better that does and WILL make it all about him.

(in reply to flowspen)

Post #: 7

RE: Finding Balance - 9/21/2007 7:03:14 AM

earthycouple

Posts: 4462
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MISTRESSKUMA

quote:

ORIGINAL: flowspen

i feel like i have two sides to me within this lifestyle. A part of me yerns for the more physical, the pain, degregation, humiliation and the other part of me wants to be adored, valued and more of a power exchange. i find it extremely difficult to find balance within a Dominant Woman were i can experience both it always seems to be that i have to chose between one side or the other. Is it possible to have both sides at once? and When so many constantly tell me that this lifestyle is all about the Dominant how does a submissive get what he/she needs in this lifestyle?

be a switch so that that way you can be a 1) dom man so you can be adored and serviced, 2) then switch sometimes and be a bottom and get a domme service top to give you orders that you have to obey, beat you around the room and spit on you and make fun of your downfalls and things humiliating like that or 3) just find a domme who loves you and beats you up and degrades and humiliated you.

If you want it to be all about YOU than sticking to the DOM side will make you .... happier. Theres alot of submissive girls just looking for a man to make it all about HIM but if you are happier when its all about HER, than get a domme, but be a dom yourself.

Yeah, not the best advice, methinks.

You can't just "go dom" to have a need fulfilled if you are not a dominant. Maybe top at best...but if that's not you, you'll only find yourself miserable later; no matter how much attention you get and the chick you choose to dominate will one day figure it out and resent you.

You can have all of what you need if you are patient and willing to wait for it to come along. I tend to fall on the loving side of things...with some slight, at best humiliation techniques. I'm not a fan of the "big stuff" but darn it....someone is, I assure you. Pain...I'm a huge sadist and those who have been in my care know darn good and well that I can spend as much time inflicting pain as I can being all cute and cuddly. I love to intersperse sensory play with all sorts of sensory ideas...pain, pleasure, deprivation, overload...amazing stuff! My home is all about power exchange; I want what I want when I want it period. Though I also can't have someone here I don't love with all my heart. Settling is not the key and "going switch" sure as hell isn't the key.

Good Luck OP.

_____________________________

D~

Seeking, searching, hoping, living, loving, jumping. So what's new with you?

(in reply to MISTRESSKUMA)

Post #: 8

RE: Finding Balance - 9/21/2007 7:50:14 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: flowspen

i feel if the sub never gets what they need then they will be unhappy and not willing to serve at there best if at all. i am slowing down and making friends on this site. Not rushing it and just chit chatting alot. i have a few that give me sound advice and work on me so i am not as needy as i use to be.

Thank you..

I'll second LadyLynx.

You get more of the intense physical and emotional stuff in "play time" or "scene time". That's something you set up in your relationship -- you might want to make it regular like every other weekend or Friday evenings from 8-10pm.

If you want more loving stuff you can do that the rest of the time. Personally I think it will simply flow that way most of the time when you find a good partner.

But here's the kicker: it can lessen the impact when you do intense things if you over act things. I can't playing too much of a role in our scheduled play time or it will feel fake to both of us. So I can say "on the floor, slave" to Fox but if I added "you worm" to it he and I would both just start laughing.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to flowspen)

Post #: 9

RE: Finding Balance - 9/21/2007 1:29:18 PM

QueenBree

Posts: 6
Joined: 8/30/2007
Status: offline

I hate to admit that I struggle with this concept as well. Being Dominant has always been reserved for "playtime" and now that I am considering the vanilla side of a sub, it throws things off for me. I have always made sure that he enjoys our session as much as I do, but turning the on and off switch can be hard to do throughout the day.

I don't consider myself a control freak, and I am open to compromise in a vanilla relationship but I feel that I would certainly be expected to take the lead in a D/S relationship and really, who wants that responsibility ALL the time?

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 10

RE: Finding Balance - 9/21/2007 2:04:54 PM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: QueenBree

I hate to admit that I struggle with this concept as well. Being Dominant has always been reserved for "playtime" and now that I am considering the vanilla side of a sub, it throws things off for me. I have always made sure that he enjoys our session as much as I do, but turning the on and off switch can be hard to do throughout the day.

I don't consider myself a control freak, and I am open to compromise in a vanilla relationship but I feel that I would certainly be expected to take the lead in a D/S relationship and really, who wants that responsibility ALL the time?

I don't think a relationship outside of play time needs to be vanilla. Mine certainly is not.

Play time though is set aside time so I can be more edgy and we can do things that take more time like flogging or bondage or knife play. So I'm not personally turning off part of myself just knowing when parts of myself can have enough time to really express.

Of course if 24/7 isn't someone's thing then I guess they need to do the more caring stuff outside of play time. Maybe call it after care or simply DS time versus other time? It's been so long since I've had a relationship that wasn't 24/7 that I'm not sure I could do that any more.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to QueenBree)

Post #: 11

RE: Finding Balance - 9/21/2007 5:06:13 PM

flowspen

Posts: 133
Joined: 5/5/2007
From: Memphis
Status: offline

EternalInferno: That is the hardest part i quess is the waiting for the right one who fits. Lots of lonely bdsm nights you know however i realize that if i do find the patience i will be greatly rewarded for it. Thank you!

(in reply to EternalInferno)

Post #: 12

RE: Finding Balance - 9/21/2007 5:11:04 PM

flowspen

Posts: 133
Joined: 5/5/2007
From: Memphis
Status: offline

Mistress Kuma... i dont know if i would be a very good switch because as soon as i hit my Dominant stride i would be toppled by a Women very easily. Sometimes i feel like the submissives sub, you know what i mean? I think though You to have a very good understanding of some of my needs by your description in 2 and 3. If i found one that just "beat me up" i would miss the other side of coin that of being treasured by her and me pleassing Her with my service. Interesting though You gave me something to think about.

(in reply to MISTRESSKUMA)

Post #: 13

RE: Finding Balance - 9/21/2007 5:23:06 PM

flowspen

Posts: 133
Joined: 5/5/2007
From: Memphis
Status: offline

Earthycouple... i know i wouldn't make a good Dom. Even when i try i am O too soon topled even if it is only by a glance from her or something else sensually small. i know i was meant to be a slave it is in my heart and blood and i no longer fight it.

i am not a pain slut per say, not even close. However there are certain pains that just do something to me, i have seen very Sadistic Mistresses and still yearned for more only because the delivery method or instrument used to deliver the pain wasn't how my body needed it. it goes back to my childhood. Those types of Women seem not to exist anymore. Now a days it seems to be flog, whip and cain but there are so many other delicious pains out there that take me to levels of submissions that are beyond my own limits. So a Mistress who is only Sadistic wouldn't work because my other side the more loving and spiritual side would suffer too much. after posting this i now see i have met those who had the balance i was looking for but the type of pain they enjoyed giving isn't the love for pain i have in the way i am use to recieving it. So even after a great flogging i am still yearning like i wasn't flogged at all.

i think You are on target with the power exchange. i miss that. You are very well balanced! i have settled before and that lead to heart break for me. i have to remember to be patient and just deal with the needy feelings i have and not allow them to rule me for they lead me to the wrong pastures.

Thank You!!

troy

(in reply to earthycouple)

Post #: 14

RE: Finding Balance - 9/21/2007 5:51:17 PM

flowspen

Posts: 133
Joined: 5/5/2007
From: Memphis
Status: offline

The Tammy Jo: First i know exactly what You mean with over acting and then laughing. Well my partner and i are both subs so we have no DS play but lots of vanilla fun. it is part of the reason why it is difficult to find a Top for us both that will accept us both. We did join a local BDSM club here in Memphis so we do get play time, but it is all "Impact" play and of course that is the name of the club. Most of what really brings out the slutty sub in me is not offered there and thus it has me searching a little too hard for the things i really need. However i do hear what is being said here and i have to have more patience and not settle.

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 15

RE: Finding Balance - 9/21/2007 5:55:57 PM

flowspen

Posts: 133
Joined: 5/5/2007
From: Memphis
Status: offline

Queen Bree...

i would imagine that having the control or lead or time would become old. i think also that it is not a sexual or vanilla thing my partner and i are both sub and we have great vanilla it is the BDSM that we lack and since we are both subs it means we seek outside our relationship for it which is another task. For me it seems i am surrounded here by Doms who all love Flogger and whip play. Which is fine i enjoy but what i yearn for is just of a different flavor and that flavor i just can't find here. it actually drives me crazy but i am learning to slow down and just enjoy what i have.

(in reply to QueenBree)

Post #: 16

RE: Finding Balance - 9/22/2007 9:53:42 AM

unforegvn

Posts: 159
Joined: 8/25/2005
Status: offline

If the basic needs are not being met, if you are unhappy or dissatisfied in the relationship it will end. Find someone that meshes with your expectations. Honest communication is key to sifting through all the personalities you meet.

Know yourself, express yourself, be true to yourself - your Domme is caring, she wants you to be happy in the life she has created for you.

(in reply to flowspen)

Post #: 17

RE: Finding Balance - 9/22/2007 11:18:54 AM

TexasMaam

Posts: 1467
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline

The best way to have your needs met is to ask for it. Begging works wonders w Me.

TM

_____________________________

~ My opinions are not necessarily those of the management... ~

(in reply to flowspen)

Post #: 18

RE: Finding Balance - 9/22/2007 12:57:39 PM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: flowspen

The Tammy Jo: First i know exactly what You mean with over acting and then laughing. Well my partner and i are both subs so we have no DS play but lots of vanilla fun. it is part of the reason why it is difficult to find a Top for us both that will accept us both. We did join a local BDSM club here in Memphis so we do get play time, but it is all "Impact" play and of course that is the name of the club. Most of what really brings out the slutty sub in me is not offered there and thus it has me searching a little too hard for the things i really need. However i do hear what is being said here and i have to have more patience and not settle.

Yeah whenever you add new people it can be tricky. Speaking only for me I would be very careful about adding a couple to my household simply because I've found that adding one person at a time, slowly, is what what best for us.

Now if it were only for fun that might be different. I would be open to meeting a couple at a local group and getting to know them. Maybe over time that might evolve into play, maybe something more but I could never promise that simply because I'd see the addition of two people at once to be a great challenge which at this time I can't see having the energy and time to take on.

Good luck in your search.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to flowspen)

Post #: 19

RE: Finding Balance - 9/22/2007 4:36:43 PM

flowspen

Posts: 133
Joined: 5/5/2007
From: Memphis
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TexasMaam

The best way to have your needs met is to ask for it. Begging works wonders w Me.

TM

i agree with You on this. i do ask every chance i get. i dont ask everyone though for not everyone will be able to a match with me. Now begging is something maybe i should do more of :). i think that if i beg and She (if i had a She) would allow me to experience those things but in Her heart she didn't really like those activities then it wouldn't be as rewarding. So to me the trick is finding the right Dominant Woman to ask and to beg and plea!

(in reply to TexasMaam)

Post #: 20

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