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MaamJay -> RE: Can insecurity and negitive thinking.... (9/20/2007 8:14:20 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: breatheasone
Become a self fulfilling prophecy?
Can it cause you to do and/or say things that unconsciencely cause you to lose the very thing(person) you want so desperately to keep?
Yes it can and that is why My hubby is now My EX-hubby! But that was after I spent 12 years trying in various ways (including through D/s) to encourage and support him to make the changes he said from the first meeting that he wanted to make in himself ... and never did. He has a strong fear of rejection ... so takes the offensive and rejects others ... ultimately their patience wears out and they reject him (I was his second wife!) ... and then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and fuels his belief even more. It's a very sad state of affairs, but I eventually reached the point at which I had to face up to the fact that you can lead a horse to water but can't make him drink. All My support and suggestions and leading by example just weren't going to rub off in stimulating effective change in him. I lost count of how many times W/we had a "crisis" and he promised to change ... this time. One of the more memorable ones near the end, he even said "And if you don't believe in me, that I will change this time, then I won't be able to" ... essentially saying so it will be your fault if I fail! Why couldn't he succeed? Well it wasn't for lack of thinking or talking about it or promising it or saying he would "try" ... it was simply for lack of DOING. I'll explain a bit more ...
Anything new will feel unfamiliar, strange, a bit disquieting. It's possible to do something new for a few days but as soon as your vigilance about it drops, it's still more comfortable to backslide into the old ways. It takes a concentrated effort to sustain the new behaviour over a long enough period of time (classic wisdom is that it takes at least 21 days of doing something new before it becomes habitual and My experience is that it can take a lot longer for entrenched behaviours) for it to FEEL right and a natural part of you. That's where the ex fell down time and time again, he never sustained any change for long enough ... and when I tried to point this out (whether as his vanilla wife or as his Mistress) he always became defensive, aggravated and totally closed to what I was trying to say. Practise makes perfect ... you need to actively practise new behaviour ... and your Master needs to actively encourage and reward that practise. He needs to be vigilant in detecting signs of backsliding into negativity and gentle but firm in His reminders. you need to be open to His reminders, grateful for them as they are the means to helping you to maintain the doing.
Candy, I understand that you are feeling bad about what has happened. This is relatively early in your relationship and I would hope that your Master has the sense to realise that backsliding can happen and be prepared to continue to work with you. ONLY YOU CAN ACTUALLY BREAK THIS HABIT. Only you can choose to BE different which will ultimately help you THINK differently and FEEL differently. There's been a lot of good suggestions here as to how to handle this specific situation ... use those ideas ... but what's ultimately more important is how you handle the future.
All the very best to you and your Master
Maam Jay aka violet[A]
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