RE: Can insecurity and negitive thinking....

RE: Can insecurity and negitive thinking.... (Full Version)

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Cyntilating -> RE: Can insecurity and negitive thinking.... (9/21/2007 5:14:56 AM)
Candy ...I wondered, seeing your last thread, if that was you needing to hollar your frustrations outloud ....it is ok!! really!... I have watched your writings in the past, because I know you and your master are working with some particular relationship dynamics that can be challenging even at the best of times....not trying to put words in your mouth .....I know, because so do I/We : ) ...so I follow what you say and share.. Celeste says:You haven't had this much fear of abandonment in a long time because you haven't gotten this close to anybody in a long time. The more you open up, the more vulnerable you make yourself, the greater risk of hurt there is. this is so absolutely true and insightful!! ..I can relate....I have done the same, several times ( Im laughing as I type that because I know Masters gonna read that and laugh saying " several? only several??" ...) and He has talked me down off the ceiling a time or two.. what I have learned ( and still to this day need to remind myself of from time to time) is that my insecurity is for me to deal with, first. it is MY job to calm down...breathe...think and write about it...talk with a trusted friend( who knows whats going on ) and use them as a sounding board.. and THEN take my thoughts to Master. its not that I dont want him to know...I just want to be able to present them to him in a functional way.. I also remember that he enjoys using his patience and likes a challenge...he wants my words and feelings and thoughts...all of them.. and is always quick to remind me that its part of my submission to give him all of me...not just the "good stuff" .. I call myself " complex " I think I am..sheesh.. and wonder if I gonna eventually wear his butt (patience) out..so far & 10 yrs later ....He still loves my complexity.. says > submission without the fire is just passive..knowing that its not easy, makes it even that much sweeter.. You will feel better once you talk with your Master... youre not crazy ( even tho' you might feel like it right now ) and youre definately not alone [;)].. smiles

MasterMataeo -> RE: Can insecurity and negitive thinking.... (9/21/2007 7:43:43 AM)
yep sure can,, you think it ,, put the energys out there , they will come back MM

MaamJay -> RE: Can insecurity and negitive thinking.... (9/21/2007 8:19:25 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: breatheasone MaamJay, Thank you for sharing your story...it really opened my eyes to a few things...it was very gracious of you. I do realize I need to do something...ANYTHING different...I am striving to discover those things now in fact...I mean I am a reasonably intelligent woman...I should be able to think through this. I just wish I knew what to focus on 1st ..or what might be the best diversion activities for me to engage in....I am fairly confident that I'll come up with something though. I used to tell my kids..."When that burden gets heavy enough, you'll put it down." Its getting mighty heavy..... My pleasure to share hon, I am always hopeful of helping others avoid the same pitfalls I fell into! From being on the receiving end, I know how hurtful it can be to your Master to have positives recycled into negatives. In terms of what specifically you need to DO differently ... well you've had some suggestions here. But ideally you and your Master need to sit down and generate a list of things that you do that are inappropriate ... whether they are habitual or only occur under certain stresses. For example, you might habitually come out with negative self talk ... 'i'm useless, i'm stupid, i'm worthless" ... whatever it is that you say. That could be an item on your list ... No more negative self talk, these statements are to be replaced with positives such as 'i'm useful to Master, i am an intelligent woman, Master says i am worth a million dollars to Him" etc etc. Or maybe another thing is you keep your fear bottled up until it breaks out in one huge rush. That could be an item on your list ... i will write my fears down in my journal, no matter how small they seem, and share them with Master so He understands more of where i am coming from. Obviously I don't know for sure what your specific problems are, I'm just guessing from what was in your posts. But you and Master will know ... you need to compile the list together. If it seems like a HUGE list, agree on say 3 things to focus on as number 1 priority. It's then good to discuss specifically how Master might be vigilant that you are putting these changes into effect and what would be a good way for Him to gently but firmly remind you that you are straying from your new positive path. Some consistent work at this from the both of Y/you and it can be amazing what can be accomplished. you ARE capable of unlearning old behaviour patterns and relearning new ones ... if you want to and if you put in consistent effort. It really is important that this is a combined effort from the both of Y/you ... in identifying the problems, generating alternatives/solutions/strategies and then in being vigilant about sticking to the new ways. Look at it this way ... you've been trying to deal with this alone for years, without a great deal of success, about time to bring in reinforcements to the battle! I'll close with a couple of little examples of what Master and i do. i have a problem with rocking to and fro unconsciously. Used to be REALLY bad (no one else EVER told me about it!) ie i was close to headbanging the people i was talking to! ... Master has been working consistently on that with me for 3 years now. No, i'm not a slow learner (or at least i don't think so LOL!) but it is tough to break as i am totally unaware that i am doing it. If W/we're alone, Master asks "any reason why you are rocking pet?" which brings it to my attention and awareness. Sometimes there is a reason eg my back is stiff and it's a way of easing it ... other times, no reason. i can stop it when i am aware. If W/we are out, He tries to catch my attention and gives me a warning look, wags His finger or pokes me in the back! Now, being a Domme as well as a sub sometimes catches me out and i find myself answering Master in the "wrong persona". (The worst was when i called Him pet LMAO!). Instead of taking umbrage He says things like "Who is that talking to Me?" or "Who am I talking to at the moment?" or "I think your capitals are showing pet" or "Is that a top hat on your head?" They're all gentle reminders ... and they work! Hopefully you and your Master can find some creative and kind ways to remind you to change your ways. All the very best! Maam Jay aka violet[A]

wildtigress27 -> RE: Can insecurity and negitive thinking.... (9/21/2007 9:06:33 AM)
It most definately can. Insecurity and negative thinking can certainly lead to sabotaging a relationship. I spent years battling my way through low self esteem and know that it affected relationships in a negative fashion. In fact, i'm sure it was a major contributor to the death of my marriage. In the same fashion, confidence in who you are and a positive attitude can do so much to build good relationships. Knowing who you are and what you want is half the battle ..... having the inner strength to work at achieving it helps you get there.

breatheasone -> RE: Can insecurity and negitive thinking.... (9/21/2007 10:59:30 AM)
MaamJay, you are truly a beautiful woman...and your kindness is inspiring ...BTW, my Master rocks when He gets really happy or excited about something...I notice it mostly when He is driving...I personally think its drop dead adorable, but have never mentioned it to Him LOL. I would have to say my two biggies are "fear of abandonment" (ie.. this will never really come to fruition,......... He won't do whats needed to be done to make sure it DOES come to fruition, ......I'm being played, He can't REALLY feel this way about me,.......and the old standby, This is too good to be true and will just evaporate.) Master hasn't said anything to cause me to think any of those awful scenarios will happen, yet there they are none the less. Trust...thats the other one....Now on this front we have had some serious bumps in the road already...but have, and still are, moving past them slowly but surely. I have never in my life WANTED to trust someone more. I strive everyday to shove doubt and suspicion out of my mind....somedays are more successful then others I'm afraid....LOL.

breatheasone -> RE: Can insecurity and negitive thinking.... (9/21/2007 11:01:49 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: wildtigress27 It most definately can. Insecurity and negative thinking can certainly lead to sabotaging a relationship. I spent years battling my way through low self esteem and know that it affected relationships in a negative fashion. In fact, i'm sure it was a major contributor to the death of my marriage. In the same fashion, confidence in who you are and a positive attitude can do so much to build good relationships. Knowing who you are and what you want is half the battle ..... having the inner strength to work at achieving it helps you get there. I know what you mean....Its almost infuriating when i SEE myself "backslide" and feel helpless to stop it sometimes....Its not an excuse...just something I need to work harder on.

leatherette -> RE: Can insecurity and negitive thinking.... (9/21/2007 12:49:04 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: breatheasone Become a self fulfilling prophecy? Can it cause you to do and/or say things that unconsciencely cause you to lose the very thing(person) you want so desperately to keep? [:(] Yes. Insecurity shows and the more you worry, the worse it gets. If one annoys another enough with this self centered fear, there are those who will twist it, twist your fear until your mind spins and you fly scattered crashing into walls. ( I have even said the exact opposite of what I was thinking in the past, because I could read the other's doubt) It takes guts to get past. Push past a lot of false pride. Not an easy thing, but it can be done. Use your will, release, strength. Honor the individual you are. Then you can honor another. You may lose what (who) you sought to keep, but you reclaim your self and this allows that balance you deserve. Be brave and keep on... i tell myself everyday.. love, leatherette

havingfaith -> RE: Can insecurity and negitive thinking.... (9/21/2007 1:06:10 PM)
And just a reminder that you are not alone! Feel yourself slipping? Reach for my hand and i will pull you back up. i have found out (lately toowinks) that having a good friend that i can trust and share with, helps me let the fears go and can snap me back to the me that i strive to be.[:)]

LadyHugs -> RE: Can insecurity and negitive thinking.... (9/21/2007 1:33:39 PM)
Dear breatheasone, Ladies and Gentlemen; According to a variety of talk hosts and or their guests, a person can be their own worst enemy when it comes to being their own self prophecy. Reasons are many--but, the main reasons offered by guests and talk show hosts are lack of confidence, self esteem, insecurity and believing those who influence you in life, especially parents, siblings and friends. One common thing though, is the mental dialog and how it connects to your emotional dialog. One can will themself sick and or into depression very easily. The tendency to believe others and their judgment--rather than believing in ourselves (in a general sense) first, listen to our gut instincts and 'try' hard for ourselves--not crutch on those who have more faith and see more in you (in general) than you see in yourself. In my personal opinion -- people who struggle with submission and or slavery butt heads with their sense of entitlement, rights to happiness and security and or real love for the sake of 'suffering' and or 'enslavement' --the right to be human and a right to find your personal happiness, growth and security is what a Dominant as I would, wish for any and all slaves--as, modern BDSM and or lifestyle is not about the ugly side of the relationship but, building in steps to an uplifted and joyful relationship that lasts beyond the dungeon playing and the garb/fetish wear. The goal to sit in rocking chairs and be there as a loving and long lasting relationship where each person was able to transend the boundaries of average thinking and living. Just some thoughts. Respectfully submitted for consideration, Lady Hugs

breatheasone -> RE: Can insecurity and negitive thinking.... (9/23/2007 8:50:07 PM)
Leatherette, Faith, and LadyHugs...Thanks for your kind words...I'm seeing Master tomorrow, and I look forward to talking to Him.

MstrSkyWoIf -> RE: Can insecurity and negative thinking.... (9/23/2007 11:07:13 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: breatheasone Become a self fulfilling prophecy? Can it cause you to do and/or say things that unconsciencely cause you to lose the very thing(person) you want so desperately to keep? The subconscious mind is a very powerful thing I believe it can cause you to do things without even being aware you are doing them that can cause you to chase away the very one you should be running too.

breatheasone -> RE: Can insecurity and negative thinking.... (9/24/2007 5:50:49 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MstrSkyWoIf quote: ORIGINAL: breatheasone Become a self fulfilling prophecy? Can it cause you to do and/or say things that unconsciencely cause you to lose the very thing(person) you want so desperately to keep? The subconscious mind is a very powerful thing I believe it can cause you to do things without even being aware you are doing them that can cause you to chase away the very one you should be running too. AYE!....but I aim to try to stop it....

akisha -> RE: Can insecurity and negitive thinking.... (9/24/2007 7:52:35 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: breatheasone Become a self fulfilling prophecy? Can it cause you to do and/or say things that unconsciencely cause you to lose the very thing(person) you want so desperately to keep? Very much so!! I can't stand constantly negative or whiny people. and I choose to not allow them to effect my life so I distance myself from them. Negativity is EXTREMELY unattractive and irritating and tiresome and selfish. It brings everyone around you down.

havingfaith -> RE: Can insecurity and negative thinking.... (9/24/2007 8:23:17 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MstrSkyWoIf The subconscious mind is a very powerful thing I believe it can cause you to do things without even being aware you are doing them that can cause you to chase away the very one you should be running too. i sooooooooooooooooo know how this is!

destroymyballs -> RE: Can insecurity and negitive thinking.... (9/24/2007 9:03:50 AM)
Without a doubt.

Pyrrsefanie -> RE: Can insecurity and negitive thinking.... (9/24/2007 1:46:24 PM)
Absolutely. If you're convinced that you're going to lose the person in question, usually your subconscious will drive you to become more clingy and more irrational within the relationship, which is enough to drive all but the most patient of people away. When and if that occurs, you then say to yourself, "See? I knew it was going to happen." Next relationship comes along, lather, rinse, repeat. It's a vicious cycle of trying too hard and unintentionally proving your insecurity over the relationship to be correct. It's also extremely difficult to break away from. I spent years spinning around in it and only broke away through a combination of medication and therapy, though I still have occasional relapses.

Politesub53 -> RE: Can insecurity and negitive thinking.... (9/24/2007 4:33:47 PM)
To the OP...... We, as people, often say " if its too good to be true, then it usually is " and while thats often the case, sometimes we let irrational fears destroy something decent. We should take a step back and consider the facts, do i trust this person and does he/she lie. If yes to the first part and no to the second, take them at their word. Many of us are insecure when meeting someone who we think we may have a future with. Ask yourself this, he said he would be here yesterday, and he was, why would he be lying when he says he will be here tomorrow or next week or next month. Most people are basically honest, at least in my opinion, so take a deep breath and place some trust in what he says... And remember, he may just have the same fears you do. Somedays i wish i could take my own advice.. [;)] edited for typos

sweetnurseBBW -> RE: Can insecurity and negitive thinking.... (9/24/2007 7:01:00 PM)
Yes it can. You or whoevers negative ways and thinking will project on your partner and wear them down where in turn you get what you didn't want but acted like you did want it. You have to be aware of your insecurity and negativity to change it and not let ruin a good thing.

breatheasone -> RE: Can insecurity and negitive thinking.... (9/24/2007 7:10:16 PM)
It's frustrating to see yourself do stupid things....what I have been doing is talking about it with my Master, when I recogize the behavior. I'm thankful that He is a very patient man...I asked Him not to give up on me...He said, no chance....

dawndewdropbaby -> RE: Can insecurity and negitive thinking.... (9/25/2007 5:19:41 AM)
Yes, and it has..

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