Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

references required?


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> references required? Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
references required? - 9/21/2007 10:41:32 AM   
softpjOS


Posts: 398
Joined: 6/7/2005
Status: offline 		So, last night a topic came up in a chat room and the room quickly divided on answers.  Figured I'd post here and see how others view it... Now last night it was strictly stated about a Dominant being questionably *real* (ack that word!) if they are not willing to provide references to a potential sub.  Those references being from someone well known within the community....
 
Personally, I did not ask Mistress to provide a resume complete with references.  I took the time to get to know Her on a friendship basis, spent months talking online and over the phone before going to meet Her, had safe calls in place, used common sense.  I'm not sure how comfortable I'd be with taking someone else's opinion on someone...Ted Bundy seemed like a hell of a guy to those that knew him..ya know?
 
So, as a one seeking... do you expect anyone you are pursuing in a lifestyle relationship to be able to provide references from people well known in your community or the BDSM community as a whole?  How much weight would you give those references...would you just accept someone else's opinion of them or would you take the time needed to form your own opinion?  If you'd still take the time....why ask for the references in the first place? 
 
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: references required? - 9/21/2007 11:09:38 AM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline 		I wouldn't want them...I would have ZERO desire to know who I am replacing.

_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

(in reply to softpjOS)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: references required? - 9/21/2007 11:13:09 AM   
earthycouple


Posts: 4462
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline 		I gave a "reference" once...and even though it seems they might not work out...I stand by my reference.  She's a wonderful person and very deserving of someone who wants and appreciates what she offers. 

Did the person take my opinion to heart?  I have no idea... but she asked, the friend asked, so I gave.

I don't look for references on people.  I rather formulate my own opinions.

_____________________________

D~

Seeking, searching, hoping, living, loving, jumping. So what's new with you?

(in reply to breatheasone)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: references required? - 9/21/2007 11:20:25 AM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline 		There are two distinct levels of answers here for me, one about practical thing about references and one about the people who use these types of things as a quantified value.

Practical:

If you are just looking for bottom/top play I can see where a reference can be good. A reference from your community is basically saying this person behaves in public and/or is one of the gang. If that comforts someone then I have no issues as long as people take them for what they are truly worth.

People who preach references as important for this life in general:

Basically they need to get spanked! It is just another way in a series of ways you see people in this life, mainly online, who want to take a tangible thing and twist into I am better then everyone else because. This is the exact same argument that is made when people stress how important experience is. The assumptions are made that the “weak” submissive cannot trust their own brains and instincts and an intentional and false attempt to portray people that they do not know as dangerous by using worst case scenarios colored by some or made up anecdotal stories.

For people looking for relationships I have absolutely no understanding of why a reference from another person in the life would have any significant effect. This life is lived in private 99.99% of the time and we all know how people present themselves in public can be drastically different in private. Throw in what another is naturally doing in one’s pursuit which you spell out so well then when holding up references to the light of I am better/more worthy then others because I do this life with other buddies of mine chest thump just does not hold up well.

It is one thing to say references are good but just one piece of the process and not a mandatory one and saying references make a person better or more worthy then another.


< Message edited by toservez -- 9/21/2007 11:23:09 AM >

_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to softpjOS)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: references required? - 9/21/2007 11:27:40 AM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		Keep in mind that nobody is going to give as a reference someone who has a bad opinion about them.

Beyond that, I don't play in public. I don't have any need to be part of some bdsm clique. This is a private relationship between us.

Is he going to give me his ex wife's number and she'll say he's a great guy? No, because if she felt like that she wouldn't be an ex.

I listen to what people say and see if he says one thing one week, and something else the next. I went slow and made sure his word and actions agreed.

(in reply to toservez)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: references required? - 9/21/2007 12:30:32 PM   
mefisto69


Posts: 370
Joined: 1/19/2007
Status: offline 		Haven't engaged in public play in many years, and have lived out in the sticks for 10. So, 100 miles east of NYC, I have no references to offer from that scene. Locally, my neighbors occasionally see me throwing my whips out back and I'm sure they wonder why I have rope and chains hanging from some trees. I keep it discrete here. To be sure, we have a lesbian and gay community here, but no munches or gatherings ......lifestylers are few and far between.

No longer a youngster itching to whet my whistle, I spend a good amount of time getting to know someone before we engage. Every person is different and every play session will be different. The first time is always a 'get to know you' session with all of our discussions in mind, after that? we play

(in reply to Celeste43)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: references required? - 9/21/2007 12:58:01 PM   
havingfaith


Posts: 28
Joined: 6/9/2007
Status: offline 		i actually didn't know of M before we started talking and met for lunch. i took it slow and got to know the person not just the Dominant. After we decided that we hit it off and had some "therapy" , i knew it was right for U/us. i am locally involved in a group and after letting people know that i was officially off the market and to whom, i got stellar references because of His reputation. i take them with a grain of salt though because the only opinion that matters is what we both feel. People are emotional creatures. You never know the reasons why they might give a good/bad reference. i would only worry if everyone i knew told me negative things, that there was so much overwealming negative reaction to my choice. Luckily there has yet to be one bad thing said about M.

And i tend to side with breatheasone on her post. i would not want to know who i was intimately replacing either.

(in reply to mefisto69)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: references required? - 9/21/2007 1:03:39 PM   
kikinymph


Posts: 40
Joined: 8/19/2007
Status: offline 		References can be a useful tool.

If I am meeting someone that I have known for a short time (like for coffee etc) from the internet, and they claim to go to munches, playparties, or other community events, then I will probably ask for references.  If they say that they are known, then they should probably be ready to prove or disprove it.  I take alot of claims on the 'net with a handful of seasalt.  Now as to how I go about getting references?  I follow up on what they have told me.  If they say that they are involved in a munch group in SmallTown USA, then I look up that munch group, and make inquiries.  Sometimes I'll ask the person for a contact to get a reference, and take those with about 5lbs of salt--and only really trust it when I have done some personal sleuthing to confirm.

On the other hand, I rarely meet with people that I haven't gotten to know well...and I prefer to know them VERY WELL before I engage in anything more than friendly flirting with them.

So take 'em or leave 'em, your choice...




_____________________________

"That which yields is not always weak." Kushiel series by Jacqueline Carey

(in reply to mefisto69)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: references required? - 9/21/2007 7:25:57 PM   
DreamyLadySnow


Posts: 359
Joined: 1/23/2005
Status: offline 		No one's ever asked me for a reference. For one particularly shy boy, I told him point blank to ask about me in the community. I have nothing to hide.
I do have something to protect, and that is the privacy of those I have played with before. Because of that, I don't hand out their names/numbers/email to anyone who wants to play with me now.
Anything I did with them is between us and shall stay that way.

LS

(in reply to kikinymph)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: references required? - 9/21/2007 7:30:57 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		I guess I am not real. I cant provide refernces from subs that are in the community, well known or not. Most of the boys and girls I have played with have been novices, and have been closeted at best, and definately not in the communities. Since I have dismissed the majority of them for reasons but not always on good terms, those wouldnt exactly be glowing references.  Several had jealousy issues and would not want someone else to be with me.

This isnt a job, if I meet someone to date, Id never ask to meet their exs and get an idea of them. Thats how I see this.  I know someone may have had exs, but I dont want to hear about them or know about them, so I sure as hell dont want to meet them or get an opinion from them. Id be disturbed and put off to know how well someone did certain things, or how badly, how often.  Just details I will happily not know. And I dont see a point to anyone else knowing them about me.

DV


_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to DreamyLadySnow)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: references required? - 9/21/2007 7:50:14 PM   
hisannabelle


Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
Status: offline 		greetings softpjos,

not all dominants are well-known or active in the community. mine is not; he is a very private person. although he has extensive experience in many areas of bdsm, most of the people who MIGHT be able to serve as his references are certainly not local, if they could be tracked down at all. i don't think that someone's references should be a measure of how "real" they are or how good they are at what they do. perhaps if you are seeking a pro-dom/me for play or scening publicly with a dom/me you don't know well, then i can understand maybe wanting community references. but for the most part, when seeking relationships at least, i would consider asking for or being asked for references to just be kind of silly.

respectfully,
annabelle.


_____________________________

a'ishah (the artist formerly known as annabelle)
i have the kind of beauty that moves...

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: references required? - 9/21/2007 7:52:37 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: softpjOS
it was strictly stated about a Dominant being questionably *real* (ack that word!) if they are not willing to provide references to a potential sub.  Those references being from someone well known within the community....

Oh crap!  My Master is as "real" as "real" gets in my eyes and I didn't check "references" with people "well known within the community."  First of all, I don't give a damn about how some other sub sees Him.  I trust my own judgment and His word.  That would have gone over like a lead balloon: "I love You and I want to become Your slave but first I need a list of people well-known in the BDSM community that I can go get gossip from about You.  Then, I'll decide if we should proceed."  Yeah, ok. 
 
Secondly, the whole concept of there even being some little cozy, closeknit community always looking out for each others' best interests just doesn't really float with me.  I'm sure it happens sometimes but I've heard soooo much about all the crap that becomes divisive within local groups.  Trusting people implicitly who may have less than shining motives is not wise.  And why would someone "well known" have an opinion any more important than a "regular" person?  There are many well known people I have zero respect for.  
 
This whole question/concept just kind of blows my mind.  I can't imagine checking up on Master with a bunch of people whose only commonality with Him is that they are into BDSM.  That makes them experts on who He is?  Nonsense.............luci  
 


< Message edited by slaveluci -- 9/21/2007 7:53:00 PM >

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to softpjOS)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: references required? - 9/21/2007 8:01:24 PM   
Pyrrsefanie


Posts: 1222
Joined: 9/18/2007
From: NEW HAMPSHAAAAAAH!
Status: offline 		I don't know, I'm way too insecure with myself to ask about previous subs and girlfriends.  I can't stand the idea that they were there first, it always makes me feel like I've got to live up to them and I never feel like I can.

Then again I've got fairly decent intuition, thanks in part to all the crap I've gone through -- I learned the hard way about red flags and the consequences of ignoring gut feelings -- so it's not a situation I typically find myself hemming and hawing over.

(in reply to hisannabelle)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: references required? - 9/21/2007 8:34:28 PM   
OriginalStuff


Posts: 48
Joined: 6/11/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hisannabelle
perhaps if you are seeking a pro-dom/me for play or scening publicly with a dom/me you don't know well, then i can understand maybe wanting community references. but for the most part, when seeking relationships at least, i would consider asking for or being asked for references to just be kind of silly.




And this was My point last night in the room.  I can understand one requesting references on someone you may be considering playing with one time or even on a Pro but to ask for them on a potential lifestyle partner?  No. Didn't fly with Me at all.  I mean..if I'm hiring a plumber, yea then I'll ask around to see if anyone can recommend one but a life partner? Gee, I'm sure my mother would have a few ideas on that LOL. 

Now, if pj had (and to some degree yes she did) asked to verify who I am, then yes absolutely I provided My name, address, drivers license, vehicle tag number, ..... and she had talked to people that knew me as a HUMAN, not as a Dominant.  Had she asked for lifestlye references I would have quickly told her that I am not a professional and not looking for a play partener, if that was what she was seeking..move along.  In the small town I live in there is no active BDSM community, not that I would have been involved in it if there was.  I am a private person and don't go around announcing my lifestyle choices to the church choir. 

References are for people looking for professional services, not so much for people you intend to spend a life time with. 

OriginalStuff (the "OS" at the end of pj's name)

(in reply to hisannabelle)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: references required? - 9/21/2007 9:39:55 PM   
unsung


Posts: 183
Joined: 12/23/2006
Status: offline 		I feel indifferent on the subject of references per sa, and feel that if I had used the opportunity to inquire about someones behaviour and practices from others that had the honour of spending time with that person, I would have not entered specific relationships with rose colored glasses.

I met a fellow on line once, and after lengthy discussions he came to me.  Well not having a point of reference and only having his word to stand by found alot of deceit embedded in what he communicated to me.  As we fell out, he proceeded to court one of my closest friends to the point that they ended up living together.  I know her well enough that had she told me their intents I would have provided her a heads up on his behaviour, behaviour I knew full well would not mesh with her lifestyle.  So rather than having the opportunity of a reference, she bit the bullet much like myself.  Had she spoken to me, she could have avoided making the same error I did. 

References are not such a bad concept, especially if they are honest and spoken as such.  If they are done in spite and ignorance based on assumptions then they are wrong in my opinion.  I certainly would like to know how a particular dominant dealt with anger, resolved issues, behaviour thoughout the day (couch potatoe vs active) in generic terms, if there is useful insight why not.  Why should I waste someones time as I don't want them wasting mine or exhausting my mental capacities.  If someone is a hitter, and people that say they care I certainly hope would forewarn me.  Ultimately it is still my choice of decision, I perfer my decisions to be informed ones these days.

< Message edited by unsung -- 9/21/2007 9:41:10 PM >

(in reply to softpjOS)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: references required? - 9/21/2007 9:43:42 PM   
RRafe


Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline 		Why the fuck would I disrespect the confidentiality of a past partner by shoving my lastest potential in her face? I stand on my own merits, and anyone who needed a short cut like that is not someone I'd be involved with.

And I'm the same with not requiring them of any woman I date. I'm smart enough to puzzle it out on my own.

_____________________________

I seem to be some wierd combination of Ren and Stimpy

(in reply to softpjOS)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: references required? - 9/22/2007 3:57:42 AM   
MamaDomme


Posts: 283
Joined: 12/28/2006
Status: offline 		~~FR~~

I don't ask for references for the same reasons stated by others.  I don't want to know someone else's garbage.  I like to form my own opinion about a person, and expect them to do the same.

If it is someone in the local community that I am interested in, I have asked others that I know have had contact with them about their interests and such.  Never do I pry into private details nor opinions.

I had someone one time that expressed interest in getting together with me.......... I asked about him and found that his style of play was not compatible with mine.  That didn't stop a friendship tho-- just helped me decide to not play with him. 

(in reply to RRafe)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: references required? - 9/22/2007 5:36:06 AM   
chellekitty


Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline 		i can give references if asked...i usually tell people, if you want to know about me, ask around the San Antonio scene...not everyone knows me but if you keep asking someone will know me...and then there are people scattered across the US who know me...i even have a 2006 title holder in my leather family...(i so proud of my sister..) and if i ever ask for references is usually dealing with someone i am volunteering to demo bottom for...like the branding class i am going to demo bottom for next weekend...otherwise, i (or actually the uppers in my leather family are the ones) ask around in their local community...because local community involvement is a requirement for someone i get involved in....and personal relationships are always taken into account...ie...somehow inadvertently asked "the ex" or the best friend of the ex....

_____________________________

One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve. ~Albert Schweitzer

(in reply to MamaDomme)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: references required? - 9/22/2007 6:55:37 AM   
arayofsunshine55


Posts: 545
Joined: 8/1/2004
From: San Francisco, CA
Status: offline 		I don't travel in "the community".  References from someone well know in it would not suit me.

_____________________________

Sunshine

Is it not most transformative, most earthshaking, to pierce the veils of self-deception and illusion, and crack the eggshell of ignorance, to most intimately encounter oneself? Lama Surya Das

(in reply to softpjOS)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: references required? - 9/22/2007 7:04:30 AM   
angelic


Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline 		i do not ask for references any more than i would answer a questionaire.  i prefer the old fashioned way of getting to know someone.  Besides i have also come to realize that my instincts are pretty darned good. 

_____________________________

~....and once you have tasted flight, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and there you long to return.~ -- Leonardo de Vinci


(in reply to softpjOS)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> references required? Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.093