AAkasha
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Joined: 11/27/2004
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quote:
ORIGINAL: spateful
quote:
ORIGINAL: AAkasha
Do you ever feel guilt, or think you went too far? Has someone ever said "Stop!" and meant it, and you did not or could not?
Do you enjoy hurting anyone, regardless of your relationship with them? If they are a total stranger? Do you enjoy hurting animals or just people?
Your post was a little vague.
Akasha
Well let me first off start saying that I do not go on my computer everyday.
Now I will clarify a few things. When I am with someone I lay out on the table who I am and what I find to be "sexually gratifing". At that point I find out what they are into and what not. When I say that I go to far, I mean that I travel beyond what they enjoy and the second they say the "word" I stop, I end the session. I have a mental black out I guess you can say. But the second I hear the "word" and come back. I feel guilty and make he/she comfortable and walk into another room and cry myself. Which I find sexually gratifing itself. Not once did a person go to the cops or ask me to seek help. No one has packed up and just left. It ends just like any normal breakup that goes on between two people. They have all told me that I am more then they thought they could handle. And I am actually very good friends with all of them til this day. I dont go out and seek to hurt people that I do not know.And I would never hurt an animal in any way or form. I have a few myself and they are everything to me.
As far as having the pain inflicted on myself well I can take it. Ill cry or laugh. Ill talk back and make fun of the person who is inflicting the pain. I love when things that really kill me are screamed at me.
Ill give you an example to where I want to far. An ex of mine told me her fears and phobias. One phobia she had was a dirty bathroom tub. So I blindfolded her and stood her in the tub and tied her up(she ok'd what I was doing) and then I turned out the light and took off her blind fold. I then flicted on the light and she took a look at the tub I hadnt cleaned in a month. Soap scum, empty shampoo bottles, lime on the chome shower head, etc etc. She cried and yelled please stop. The sec she said stop I untied her and brought her to a clean tub and washed her.
I hope I have explained myself fully. I will answer any other questions that might be asked. I would also like to point out that I do not lead a lonely life. I have friends and family.
It sounds like your main problems are with communication. First, you aren't getting real answers out of your submissive partners regarding what they think they can handle if they tell you up front what they can handle and then later end the relationship because they can't. There needs to be ongoing communication to discuss limits and comfort levels.
The next communication problem is after the BDSM ends. It sounds like your subs take as much as they can and have to make you stop (which can be pretty traumatic for the sub), and then for you to leave and go into another room and have your own meltdown is probably extremely difficult for them. Most subs need time together with their dominant to decompress as well, and in a situation where they had to make you stop, they're probably feeling a ton of emotions. Left alone in that state they might feel rejected, like a failure, alone, etc.
The other communication issue is during the play itself. If you "black out" emotionally during the BDSM you are not in a position to emotionally connect with your partner and read their mental state. They also might feel this lack of connection. A good dominant can push limits because they get in tune with their partner and know when to stop, or slow down, *before* a submissive has to use a safeword. If you just go into another world and the sub keeps trying, without success, to give clues (consciously or subconsciously) of their distrress, they may feel unsafe.
The phobia play you talked about --- difficult to say without knowing more. The subs I have been with have had phobias, but I never used them unless it was very clear up front. Phobias are often "off limits". I can imagine that a sub who had a 'disconnected' emotional dominant might have a melt down with play like that which is very personal.
Perhaps you need to work on your communication skills -- I think that's the main part. Just my opinion.
Akasha
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