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Coping with Anger - 9/23/2007 4:26:11 PM   
amiciaN


Posts: 228
Joined: 1/20/2007
Status: offline 		This may be part rant, part lament, but it is a vent and a request for suggestions.  I'm in a long-distance relationship with my Master NChaka.  He was here for 3 glorious weeks in July, but we're apart again until next summer.  After 2 years, I should be used to being separated by now, right?  WRONG!!!  

Being apart from Him is awful, horrible and sucks in more ways than one could ever imagine unless they have been there themselves.  Yes, I know it is my own 'fault' for getting into a relationship with a Man from another freaking continent; I don't need to hear the 'you made your bed, now lie in it' lectures.  As awful as being separated is, the positives outweigh the negatives by far.  So, if you just want to bash LDR's, go ahead, but I'll tell you upfront that your post will go in one ear and out the other.  My relationship with NChaka is rock-solid.  My issue is coping with the way I'm feeling due to being apart again.

I do get to 'see' Him via video chat twice a day, almost every day and for at least a couple of hours at a time.  That is a lot of time, even compared to some couples who live together.  My trouble isn't a lack of attention; Master showers me with it.  The trouble is He isn't "HERE"!  I can't reach out and touch Him.  I'm not just talking about sex or 'play' time, I'm talking about all those little touches, and more of just being in His physical presence.  Yes, I've been through this before, but this time I'm reacting differently.  Last year, it was "stressing, distressing and depressing", as my psych prof once put it.  This year, I'm just plain pissed!  And therein lies the trouble.

I'm not generally an easily angered person (the occasional mild bout of road rage or mounted soap-box notwithstanding); I'm usually the one making peace.  My difficulty is how to cope with this re-occurring anger.  There isn't really a clear focus for it, other than the circumstances that force us to be apart.  Even as I write this, I literally want to scream or pull my hair out or something!  Gah!  Today it has me feeling restless and unable to focus on anything, whether it is general around the house stuff or reading the new book I bought.  I've even written this post in spurts and writing has always been my most reliable emotional outlet.  Master has been wonderful and does everything He can, but there is only so much He can do from the opposite side of an ocean.  I have to find something that will help when I feel this way during those times when we aren't together, or can't connect via computer.

So finally, here is the point of the post.  I'm looking for new ways of coping with or working past this feeling of anger, whether it's trying to look at it from a different perspective, activities, or what have you.  I won't see Him again face to face until next summer and there is a six-hour time difference, so there are a lot of 'alone' hours in the months ahead.  I'm currently looking for a job and we both feel that working will help immensely, but we could use a few more ideas for helping me get a handle on an emotion I'm honestly not very familiar with dealing with in myself.  

My thanks to those of you who read my ramblings and a second thank you to those who reply.  (Yeah, even those of you who just can't resist taking a jab at LDR's...  maybe you'll be good for a laugh... or give me something to focus this anger on?  hehe  )

_____________________________

NChaka's amicia

I have never been lifted so high as when I kneel at His feet.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Coping with Anger - 9/23/2007 4:36:21 PM   
littlebitxxx


Posts: 732
Status: offline 		I understand amicia, LDR's can be a bitch.  Is there a chance that you will move to him or he to you?  Is there any way to step up visits?  And no, I know those questions don't help.  Your symptoms sound an awful lot like someone trying to quit smoking, especially one who enjoys it to begin with.  I don't mean that to sound flippant at all.  Withdrawals from anything good are real and they are a bitch.  Work, keep busy, involvement in a hobby, join the local community for a regular "fix" of SM if that's your kink.  None of it will make missing him any easier to take but may help move your mind toward something else even for a little while.  Hugs to you and support for where you are, I know it is not fun.

Hell, stay on the message boards...they're always good for wasting hours on end and you don't even notice the time fly...lol.

Love and light,
sage

_____________________________

There is no such thing as can't unless it is followed by yet

It is the meaningless little acts that become meaningful in the doing.

The people that mind don't matter and the people that matter don't mind.

(in reply to amiciaN)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Coping with Anger - 9/23/2007 4:49:48 PM   
chellekitty


Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline 		in my leather family there is a long distance relationship that is working.....they have figured out, after major problems and LOTS of communication something to help the inbetween-visits-times....and i can't explain it as well as they can but i am gonna try...and if you want more details, send me an email on the other side with your private email and i will connect you with them to talk about the things they do....
the key thing, aside from communication, which it sounds like ya'll have down great, is to do kinesthetic rituals....and the best way i can explain that is to give you an example...she has a ritual of fixing herself and her Ma'am tea when they are stressed and sitting at her feet and drinking it to relax....well, she is 700 miles away right now...but she has a pair of her Ma'am's boots that are very special to her, and when she gets stressed, she is to place her Ma'ams boots in a chair, and to fix them both tea, and sit at her Ma'ams feet and drink her tea to relax...the only difference between that and before is that her Ma'am is not physically there...she is with her in spirit and emotionally though....
but its a physical, kinesthetic ritual....she goes through the motions that mean something to both of them, and her Ma'am knows about it, so it still means something to both of them....

does that make sense? help at all? could you translate it? want to know more?

good luck, chelle

ps...the anger thing....a very clinical answer - anger is a conditioned response from early on....childhood...if you want to get rid of anger...you have to talk to a therapist...possibly cognative behavioral therapy (cbt hehe) would be most effective, in my opinion...


_____________________________

One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve. ~Albert Schweitzer

(in reply to littlebitxxx)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Coping with Anger - 9/23/2007 4:54:01 PM   
amiciaN


Posts: 228
Joined: 1/20/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlebitxxx

I understand amicia, LDR's can be a bitch.  Is there a chance that you will move to him or he to you?  Is there any way to step up visits?  And no, I know those questions don't help.  Your symptoms sound an awful lot like someone trying to quit smoking, especially one who enjoys it to begin with.  I don't mean that to sound flippant at all.  Withdrawals from anything good are real and they are a bitch.  Work, keep busy, involvement in a hobby, join the local community for a regular "fix" of SM if that's your kink.  None of it will make missing him any easier to take but may help move your mind toward something else even for a little while.  Hugs to you and support for where you are, I know it is not fun.

Hell, stay on the message boards...they're always good for wasting hours on end and you don't even notice the time fly...lol.

Love and light,
sage


Thanks for the reply, sage. 

We have roughly another 18 months before being together full time is going to be possible, and there will still be immigration and all that nonsense to cope with.  Due to His work schedule, the only time we might be able to see each other sooner is for me to go see Him for just one week in February.  The trouble with that is the real risk of bad weather; He has to travel through the Alps to get to the airport.  Not to mention that transatlantic plane tickets are pricey!  SM play with others isn't a viable option for either of us.  I'm His.  As far as the other things, I'm working on another cover letter while I watch responses here, I'm planning on subbing on a bowling league once a week, and have 2 new books to read.

So I guess I'm left with the only thing I haven't been doing... Hi, my name is amicia and I'm wanting to become a collarme forum addict.


_____________________________

NChaka's amicia

I have never been lifted so high as when I kneel at His feet.

(in reply to littlebitxxx)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Coping with Anger - 9/23/2007 5:10:26 PM   
amiciaN


Posts: 228
Joined: 1/20/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chellekitty

in my leather family there is a long distance relationship that is working.....they have figured out, after major problems and LOTS of communication something to help the inbetween-visits-times....and i can't explain it as well as they can but i am gonna try...and if you want more details, send me an email on the other side with your private email and i will connect you with them to talk about the things they do....
the key thing, aside from communication, which it sounds like ya'll have down great, is to do kinesthetic rituals....and the best way i can explain that is to give you an example...she has a ritual of fixing herself and her Ma'am tea when they are stressed and sitting at her feet and drinking it to relax....well, she is 700 miles away right now...but she has a pair of her Ma'am's boots that are very special to her, and when she gets stressed, she is to place her Ma'ams boots in a chair, and to fix them both tea, and sit at her Ma'ams feet and drink her tea to relax...the only difference between that and before is that her Ma'am is not physically there...she is with her in spirit and emotionally though....
but its a physical, kinesthetic ritual....she goes through the motions that mean something to both of them, and her Ma'am knows about it, so it still means something to both of them....

does that make sense? help at all? could you translate it? want to know more?

good luck, chelle

ps...the anger thing....a very clinical answer - anger is a conditioned response from early on....childhood...if you want to get rid of anger...you have to talk to a therapist...possibly cognative behavioral therapy (cbt hehe) would be most effective, in my opinion...



Hi chellekitty--

That is a very good suggestion actually; come up with some sort of 'calming ritual' to do to de-stress.  I find simply reaching up and holding His collar for a few minutes helps a bit, so something more formal may do more.  Your post made me think of the shirt He gave me and I've put that on.  It was sort of like getting a hug.     As to getting therapy for the anger, I've been in therapy previously for a different issue.  If it were really an ongoing or a consistant underlying emotion, I wouldn't hesitate to get help, but it is precisely because it is not a familiar emotion that I'm so confused on how to handle it.   I don't think I need therapy at this time, but if this continues for too long, I'd have no reservations about calling in professionals.


_____________________________

NChaka's amicia

I have never been lifted so high as when I kneel at His feet.

(in reply to chellekitty)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Coping with Anger - 9/23/2007 5:12:10 PM   
camille65


Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline 		I really understand. Can you go do something physical? Something that you can throw yourself into, exhaust yourself. When I feel that way, its like a pent up - about to burst - kind of feeling so I usually hit the swimming pool and swim til I'm noodly totally spent.

Primal screaming can be helpful too, but it may worry the neighbors lol.

_____________________________


~Love your life! (It is the only one you'll get).




(in reply to amiciaN)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Coping with Anger - 9/23/2007 5:26:02 PM   
amiciaN


Posts: 228
Joined: 1/20/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: camille65

I really understand. Can you go do something physical? Something that you can throw yourself into, exhaust yourself. When I feel that way, its like a pent up - about to burst - kind of feeling so I usually hit the swimming pool and swim til I'm noodly totally spent.

Primal screaming can be helpful too, but it may worry the neighbors lol.


You hit the nail on the head, camille.  It is most definitely feeling like I'm going to burst.  Today I raked leaves but I couldn't even completely finish that.  It's like my ADHD son has invaded my brain.  lol  If I am indeed going to burst, I wish I would hurry up and do it so I can just clean up the mess and go on... I think it would be simpler.  Thanks for posting.  Just the idea of being ready to burst reminded of Violet from the original Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory so the chuckle from the visual is helping.    Thanks for reminding me I'm not alone. 


_____________________________

NChaka's amicia

I have never been lifted so high as when I kneel at His feet.

(in reply to camille65)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Coping with Anger - 9/23/2007 5:27:37 PM   
chellekitty


Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline 		speaking of....dark chocolate releases endorphins in the brain....hehe...better than any other chocolate....

_____________________________

One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve. ~Albert Schweitzer

(in reply to amiciaN)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Coping with Anger - 9/23/2007 6:37:55 PM   
RRafe


Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline 		How about a blow up doll wearing a george bush mask?

_____________________________

I seem to be some wierd combination of Ren and Stimpy

(in reply to chellekitty)
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RE: Coping with Anger - 9/23/2007 6:54:30 PM   
amiciaN


Posts: 228
Joined: 1/20/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RRafe

How about a blow up doll wearing a george bush mask?


Is it like the one of Bozo the Clown I had when I was a kid, that you can knock down and they stand back up? 


_____________________________

NChaka's amicia

I have never been lifted so high as when I kneel at His feet.

(in reply to RRafe)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Coping with Anger - 9/23/2007 6:55:57 PM   
TNstepsout


Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline 		The only thing that works for me in a situation like that is to find something to focus on that is related to the end goal. The end goal in this case is his moving here. If there is some research that needs to be done, work on that. If it's a financial matter, consider a part time job to keep you busier. Stuff like that. Even if they are small steps, each hour doing those things are hours you are spending not thinking about being apart, but that you are working on getting him closer. Make sense? The absolute worst thing for me to experience is being in a holding pattern where I can't do anything but sit and wait.

(in reply to RRafe)
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RE: Coping with Anger - 9/23/2007 7:05:09 PM   
RRafe


Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: amiciaN

quote:

ORIGINAL: RRafe

How about a blow up doll wearing a george bush mask?


Is it like the one of Bozo the Clown I had when I was a kid, that you can knock down and they stand back up? 



Something like that.

_____________________________

I seem to be some wierd combination of Ren and Stimpy

(in reply to amiciaN)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Coping with Anger - 9/23/2007 7:18:11 PM   
arayofsunshine55


Posts: 545
Joined: 8/1/2004
From: San Francisco, CA
Status: offline 		Somewhat like others have said.  When faced with this kind of anger my tendency is to focus on what I am getting rather than what I do not have.   Refocusing is how I deal with anger.  Reminding myself of why I am in it.  Why I want it.  Why I continue to do it.  That it is my choice.  All of these things refocus me.  And allow me to tap into other feelings.  And feel less out of control of a situation.

_____________________________

Sunshine

Is it not most transformative, most earthshaking, to pierce the veils of self-deception and illusion, and crack the eggshell of ignorance, to most intimately encounter oneself? Lama Surya Das

(in reply to amiciaN)
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RE: Coping with Anger - 9/23/2007 7:33:46 PM   
leatherette


Posts: 255
Status: offline 		Hi,
That must be an extremely frustrating situation. Anger? I wonder why you call it "anger"? Please - what is it that you are angry at? Do you mean frustration ?

You are not working? I won't ask what you have been doing, but you definitely need to do something. Lots of things. Take a class to learn a new skill, excercise, see friends, volunteer, take up a new hobby, read, be creative.
You can't exist only for him - make your life yourself  - it will ease your frustration and enhance the quality of your life, for you and the experiences you will share when the two of you can make a solid, fulltime, hands on, everyday existence a reality

Have you studied his country's culture and tradition?  What are his views? What religion is he? Will you convert? Have the two of you discussed possible misunderstandings, cultural differences, family...?

You say you are 100% sure that this man is the only one for you, who are any of us to argue?  I really wish you the best.

Dreams can come true. 

< Message edited by leatherette -- 9/23/2007 7:42:19 PM >

(in reply to RRafe)
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RE: Coping with Anger - 9/23/2007 8:27:55 PM   
amiciaN


Posts: 228
Joined: 1/20/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: leatherette

Hi,
That must be an extremely frustrating situation. Anger? I wonder why you call it "anger"? Please - what is it that you are angry at? Do you mean frustration ?

You are not working? I won't ask what you have been doing, but you definitely need to do something. Lots of things. Take a class to learn a new skill, excercise, see friends, volunteer, take up a new hobby, read, be creative. You can't exist only for him - make your life yourself  - it will ease your frustration and enhance the quality of your life, for you and the experiences you will share when the two of you can make a solid, fulltime, hands on, everyday existence a reality.

You say you are 100% sure that this man is the only one for you, who are any of us to argue?  I really wish you the best.

Dreams can come true. 




Thanks for the thoughts leatherette.  What I am feeling is way past what I normally call frustration.  Having raised 2 boys, I'm well aquainted with that particular emotion.  lol  This is much sharper, and has somewhat of a 'destructive' element to it.  I want to 'lash out'.  At what exactly is the problem.  There is no one thing keeping us apart for now, it is a combination of things, most of which are out of our control.  Maybe that is the part I am angry about... it is not only out of my control but out of Master's?  Food for thought at least, thank you. 

As to why I am not working, a change has been made in the direction I was heading and I'm still exploring alternatives.  And like I explained long ago to my mom, Master is not my entire world; He is the axis that it spins on. 

quote:

"You say you are 100% sure that this man is the only one for you, who are any of us to argue?"
 
This is not what I actually said, leatherette, though I would love to know how you read that into it, just out of curiosity and wanting to clarify and improve my writing.  What I did say was that our relationship is rock solid and that the positives outweigh the negatives by far.  I'm no more a believer in "The One" than I am in the One True Way (which I posted a whole thread about).  In fact, one of the harder things to admit to Him was that if He were to suddenly die tomorrow, someday I would seek another Master, though I would certainly mourn for a good long time.  That being said, in the 4 years since I 'discovered' wiitwd, NChaka is also the only One I have met who meets my needs as completely He meets them.  This is, without a doubt, the best relationship I've ever been in.  You can even ask my mom. 

Ok... editing to answer your edit to your post 

I am making a life for myself, I'm just in the process of changing the design a little.    If things work out well, it could greatly enhance our life together in the future.  I am also studying His culture, and He studies mine.  We've encountered a few cultural hurdles, but nothing that has been particularly difficult to work out.  We often discuss religion, politics, trade unions, our respective families, current events such as Iraq and global warming, old punk rock, classical music, wine, food, the comparitive price of gasoline, and everything else that crosses our minds.  I made the comment recently that we look at life through the same 'camera' lens, with the same settings, just from opposite sides of the ocean.  Rather than seeing the other's view as 'wrong', we see it as creating a multi-dimensional view for both of us.  We are open and honest about everything from our finances to our moods.  He has also met my mom, my uncle, one of my 2 sisters and one of my 2 sons.  This is a relationship solidly based in reality, not fantasy.  The computer is simply the tool we use to contact one another for now.  We are also well aware that we can only prepare for 24/7 to a certain point and that there will still be plenty of adjusting to do when it actually happens.


< Message edited by amiciaN -- 9/23/2007 8:52:06 PM >

_____________________________

NChaka's amicia

I have never been lifted so high as when I kneel at His feet.

(in reply to leatherette)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Coping with Anger - 9/23/2007 8:49:47 PM   
leatherette


Posts: 255
Status: offline 		Hi again amicia

That definitely makes sense. Feelings of anger, grown out of frustration in repsonse to situations which are out of our control and no possible action can be taken. 
It's normal, if you ask psychologists. Healthy, in fact. Dynamic, not stagnant. Thanks for clarifying - and glad to add food for thought.

I guess I did read into what you said. Why?   Because you seem 100% set on this relationship, difficult as it is. The distance and circumstance.
It would appear that a person must be so devoted ( no judgement here) that no choice is viable - or desirable ( hope this is clear, thanks for being patient).

I don't think I could do it - but I always say "never say never".

Have a good night... take care +++

(in reply to amiciaN)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Coping with Anger - 9/23/2007 8:55:01 PM   
amiciaN


Posts: 228
Joined: 1/20/2007
Status: offline 		Are we playing forum tag now?  lol

Tag... you're it!  hehehe


_____________________________

NChaka's amicia

I have never been lifted so high as when I kneel at His feet.

(in reply to leatherette)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Coping with Anger - 9/23/2007 9:17:19 PM   
amiciaN


Posts: 228
Joined: 1/20/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: leatherette

Hi again amicia

That definitely makes sense. Feelings of anger, grown out of frustration in repsonse to situations which are out of our control and no possible action can be taken. 
It's normal, if you ask psychologists. Healthy, in fact. Dynamic, not stagnant. Thanks for clarifying - and glad to add food for thought.

I guess I did read into what you said. Why?   Because you seem 100% set on this relationship, difficult as it is. The distance and circumstance.
It would appear that a person must be so devoted ( no judgement here) that no choice is viable - or desirable ( hope this is clear, thanks for being patient).

I don't think I could do it - but I always say "never say never".

Have a good night... take care +++


For a serious reply this time....

You are correct in assuming that no other option is desirable.  We are extremely compatible.  We have enough in common to not argue, but enough differences to keep conversations interesting.  Our D/s 'styles' and goals are similar, our 'kinks' mesh well, one's faults play into the other's strengths and we haven't yet discovered any quirks that will drive either of us crazy, other than me turning the car stereo up too loud, which I have promised not to ever do again if He is with me.  (oops!)  He was and is everything I dreamed of and never expected to find without comprising at least a little, except here, for now.  I guess 'total instant gratification' wasn't as important as fulfilling my dreams.

May you have a great night and thanks for some interesting insights.  At least I don't feel like screaming anymore, so as they say, it's all good. 

edited to add:
I just realized it may not be apparent to some that everything in this relationship is built on love that grew from friendship.  NChaka was my Friend and when a "Dom" I had dated poofed on me, it dawned on me that I was 'ruling out' Someone who was everything I was looking for solely because of the distance.  It made no more sense to me then than ruling Him out because of the color of His hair.  It was in light of who He is that the distance became something I was willing to deal with.  I just don't always deal with it well! 


< Message edited by amiciaN -- 9/23/2007 9:34:13 PM >

_____________________________

NChaka's amicia

I have never been lifted so high as when I kneel at His feet.

(in reply to leatherette)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Coping with Anger - 9/23/2007 11:30:32 PM   
rmanrr


Posts: 358
Joined: 7/25/2006
Status: offline 		Greetings
I know well the frustration...as for keeping busy...weekends are the hardest part...the weekdays fly by quickly enough and sleeping more helps too. now if I could just take a pill in between her visits and Mine...(as long as the bills paid themselves, the contractors did not bail, the house built and sold itself, the company was bought and just deposited cash straight into the bank and, the move went without a hitch and everything packed and unpacked itself and the new home set itself up...) well then give Me the pill and have some made for her too.  I love you sage, My woman.


_____________________________

Be Well, Be Careful

Jarl Rmanrr

"the road untravelled is the loneliest." Me
Courage...the ability to overcome obstacles during the course.
"to be insane is to be original!"...Me

(in reply to amiciaN)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Coping with Anger - 9/24/2007 1:11:24 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: amiciaN

.........or give me something to focus this anger on?  hehe  )


What about;
beating a friggin cushion
what about throwing an unwanted glass bottle out in the yard in a safe space
how about breathing exercises or a trip to the gym?
How about centreing it on man's inhumanity to man?
the humanitarian cris in Zimbabwe?
How about working so hard all day that you collapse with exhhaustion with no energy for anger?
Sometimes I think ALL my emotions are merely just emotional luxury......

Prinsexx

(in reply to amiciaN)
Profile   Post #: 20
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