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Have a problem and need some advice. - 9/26/2007 3:16:14 AM   
BondageTopJere


Posts: 170
Joined: 8/22/2006
Status: offline 		I'm having a fairly large problem at the moment and one that I've never encountered before.  Its one I know subs tend to have, but it my first experience. To illustrate, lets say you start talking to someone that looks like they may work via e-mail,  do the IM and phone conversation bit, finally agree to meet, and then nothing after that.  No furthur messages, no furthur talking.   I've been on both sides of this equation, both being the one going "What the hell did I say wrong?" and the other half, the one who does the dissappearing.  I'll admit I'm not proud of doing that, and I've got much better about saying "No thanks" in a shorter period of time.

Usually though, once said dissappearing is done, by either me or the one I'm talking with, it tends to wrap up quickly.  If I got dissappeared on, I usually leave a message or 2 within a few days, maybe another a week later saying "Sorry it didn't work out, best of luck", and thats it, end of story. If I do the dissapearing, I usually gotten the same in the past, on a few occasions I haven't even gotten that, but.. thats just the way it works.  I don't hold hard feelings about being poofed on, although I suspect I might be in the minority that one, if forum posts are anything to go by .

My problem is however I know have a sub who is continually sending me messages, pretty much repeating the same thing over and over again, but a little backstory to put into perspective first.   On one summer day in July, I ended getting a contact message from a sub, checked her profile, seemed interesting to chat with her.  We did so doing  emials at first, then IM, then phone, so and so on.    It became apparent, and should have been my first glaring warining sign, she had both A) no experience whatsoever, either online or RL and B) a strong sex drive.  Quite frankly, after the first few times talking to her, I was acting like a horny teenager, and I commited one of the cardinal sins, I lost control. I should've slammed on the brakes then and there, but I didn't, so then things progressed along enough to meet each other.  We did so, I had a fairly good time at first, and so did she.  Towards the later part of the day though, it was become very apparent to me that we were simply not compatible for anyting resembling a relationship.  We wrapped the night up, I said we talk about going out again, and went home.

My problem is after all this.  Given a day or two i would have told her I was no longer interested. But the sheer volume of voice messages, texts, emails, IMs, getting increasingly frantic and more angry over a 48 period had me completely floored.  It was.. a bit scary to be honest. The tone I was hearing and the reaction i was getting was all out of context to the time we had spent talking to each other (We went out once to meet, we didn't play, we didn't have sex.  In short nothing of substance actually happened besides talking). After the first 2 days, it tapered off, but I still kept receiving messages even a full 4 weeks afterwards when I got what I was sincerely hoping was the final one.  I talked to a vanilla friend of mine about this, and she was pretty much said she was psycho, bonkers, nutters, etc.  Not having any evidence to the contrary, at that point I was forced to agree, as the effect was completely overblown to the cause.  I never sent an emial saying "No thanks" that entire time,  I didn't feel like poking the already pissed off bear any furthur.  But after 4 weeks, yay, final message, bye see ya.

Whoops spoke to soon. Last week I got another 2 emails from this women, demanding in explantion for my behavior. By this point, my fear factor was down, I sent a message explaining what happened from my viewpoint, I didn't see it working, I screwed up (no mention of me thinking she had done anything wrong, I'm not convinced all is right in her head).  Yay finally I'm done, bye cya, good riddance.

Whoops spoke to soon yet again. I got another long diatribe just yesterday, pretty much saying the same thing yet again.

So besides simply blocking her profile( which I've never done, but she just might be the first one), I'm completely at loss as to handle this kind of behavior?  Shes got a grudge, pure and simple, and unfortunatelys its at least partially justified in its origin.  I'd love to simply ignore her, but I have a very bad feeling there would be long term unforseen consequences in ways I can't imagine.   

Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Have a problem and need some advice. - 9/26/2007 3:38:26 AM   
Babybass


Posts: 230
Joined: 7/30/2007
Status: offline 		I don't really see what you can do - you explained to her that you thought it wasn't going to work out and that you were sorry how you had left it - what more can you do? It would be nice to think that every encounter can be ended amicably but in this case it seems that she is not willing to let go. Maybe she thought there was more to the 'relationship' than you ever saw. She may have jumped straight from 'chatting and meeting once' to 'in a full time realtionship with a real future'. She may have really liked you and saw you together forever. But if you have explained it to her from your point of view and tried to leave her feeling good about herself (which i assume you did as you did not say any of it was her fault) then there is little more you can do. She may be very needy - so if you mail her again and are really nice she may take this as a sign that you do actually like her and there may be a future if she keeps contacting you. If she is thinking like that then she is getting something out of you contacting her - she is seeing that if she keeps contacting you you will eventually reply. I think you may need to ignore her.

_____________________________

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight and never stop fighting" - e e cummings

(in reply to BondageTopJere)
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RE: Have a problem and need some advice. - 9/26/2007 3:38:36 AM   
Phoenixandnika


Posts: 748
Joined: 4/22/2005
From: Aberdeen Maryland
Status: offline 		Let me see if I understand this correctly.
 
You exchanged IM, phone numbers ect. spoke via them then meet in person. Something happened during the meeting that made you feel as if you "lost control and were acting like a sex crazed teenager." (Your words not mine) Then you decide there is no connection between the two of you but instead of speaking to this woman and telling her your feelings and why -- you descide to do a houdini. Now she is frustrated perhaps even angry and contacting asking you why the houdini act-- this  upsets you so you and "friends" begin calling her a physcho ect?
 

 
 
Blessed Be,
Nika

< Message edited by Phoenixandnika -- 9/26/2007 3:39:34 AM >

_____________________________

"Life is neither a bed of roses nor a carpet of thorns, it's just what you make of it."



(in reply to BondageTopJere)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Have a problem and need some advice. - 9/26/2007 3:41:04 AM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		If you've tried to be nice, and explain why you aren't a match, and she's pushing it, stop being nice. Be blunt. Then ignore her. Hopefully, she doesn't know where you live or work.....

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to BondageTopJere)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Have a problem and need some advice. - 9/26/2007 3:48:06 AM   
Phoenixandnika


Posts: 748
Joined: 4/22/2005
From: Aberdeen Maryland
Status: offline 		Level,
From what I read he NEVER told her he was not interested he simply descided to disappeaar.
 
He says:
Given a day or two i would have told her I was no longer interested.
 
 then....
 I never sent an emial saying "No thanks" that entire time,  I didn't feel like poking the already pissed off bear any furthur.
 
Perhaps if he would have been an adult and told her upfront he wasn't intestested she wouldn't have contacted him afterwards but from his words-- he NEVER told her and if she is a "noobie' (his words not mine) how would she know the houdini is the "out" of some (coughs) adults.
 
Blessed Be,
Nika

_____________________________

"Life is neither a bed of roses nor a carpet of thorns, it's just what you make of it."



(in reply to Level)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Have a problem and need some advice. - 9/26/2007 3:56:57 AM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		Sorry, Jere, but I think the problem might mostly be in your mind.  If you've told her that you aren't interested, that's the end of it.  I somewhat agree with Nika because your story is hard to follow...if nothing happened, then how did things get out of control?  However, no matter what, you've explained it.  Why are you still opening the emails?  Simply delete them unread.  Block her if she is getting to you.  This seems like a relatively small problem to me...

(in reply to BondageTopJere)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Have a problem and need some advice. - 9/26/2007 4:04:14 AM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Phoenixandnika

Level,
From what I read he NEVER told her he was not interested he simply descided to disappeaar.
 
He says:
Given a day or two i would have told her I was no longer interested.
 
 then....
 I never sent an emial saying "No thanks" that entire time,  I didn't feel like poking the already pissed off bear any furthur.
 
Perhaps if he would have been an adult and told her upfront he wasn't intestested she wouldn't have contacted him afterwards but from his words-- he NEVER told her and if she is a "noobie' (his words not mine) how would she know the houdini is the "out" of some (coughs) adults.
 
Blessed Be,
Nika


Good morning, Nika
 
I was going by this line:
 
quote:

I sent a message explaining what happened from my viewpoint, I didn't see it working, I screwed up


Granted, it took him a while to get there! But yep, the more upfront, the better, for everyone.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to Phoenixandnika)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Have a problem and need some advice. - 9/26/2007 4:05:24 AM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		*waves to bandit, just because*

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to Level)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Have a problem and need some advice. - 9/26/2007 4:19:22 AM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		*waves back*  How you doing pal?  Everything good in your part of the world?

(in reply to Level)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Have a problem and need some advice. - 9/26/2007 4:22:02 AM   
BondageTopJere


Posts: 170
Joined: 8/22/2006
Status: offline
quote:


You exchanged IM, phone numbers ect. spoke via them then meet in person. Something happened during the meeting that made you feel as if you "lost control and were acting like a sex crazed teenager." (Your words not mine) Then you decide there is no connection between the two of you but instead of speaking to this woman and telling her your feelings and why -- you descide to do a houdini. Now she is frustrated perhaps even angry and contacting asking you why the houdini act-- this  upsets you so you and "friends" begin calling her a physcho ect?
 
quote:

 
Perhaps if he would have been an adult and told her upfront he wasn't intestested she wouldn't have contacted him afterwards but from his words-- he NEVER told her and if she is a "noobie' (his words not mine) how would she know the houdini is the "out" of some (coughs) adults.


My behavior while talking to her was appalling in hindsight, I'm this first one to admit this and I wouldn't even dream of trying to defend it. It pratically read likes a "This is everything you should NOT do" brochure. It as pretty f$^$^ from beginning to end and is most likely the biggest series of screwups I've ever committed in the space of a few weeks.   I lost control of myself and by extension the enitre situation

As for my behavior afterwards, given some time to think it through into something that resembles coherent thought it would have been much easier.  Quite frankly, I didn't get the chance too. The flurry of messages I got in the first 2 days had me seriously off-balance and any thought of me telling her I was no longer interested was pretty much well out the window.


(in reply to Phoenixandnika)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Have a problem and need some advice. - 9/26/2007 4:22:41 AM   
Phoenixandnika


Posts: 748
Joined: 4/22/2005
From: Aberdeen Maryland
Status: offline 		good morning Level,
 
You know I had to go back and reread to see where he finally told her he wasn't interested. However, I'm sorry if he wasn't honest and upfront and just disappeared, especially if he lead her to beleive there was a connection during their meeting. More so if he "lost control and acted like a sex crazed teen". He owed her an explanation in my opinion. Does she have a right to be pissed? Heck, yes. Perhaps next time he wont 'loose control" perhaps next time he wont lead someone on, perhaps next time he will be honest about not "feeling a connection" and perhaps someday porky will fly.
 
BondageTopJere,
 
Did you ever consider she contacted you as she did because she was floored by your behavior because she didn't know how to handle it. If you can't handle things in a mature manner isn't a little selfish to expect someone else to?
 

 
Blessed Be,
Nika

< Message edited by Phoenixandnika -- 9/26/2007 4:43:12 AM >

_____________________________

"Life is neither a bed of roses nor a carpet of thorns, it's just what you make of it."



(in reply to Level)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Have a problem and need some advice. - 9/26/2007 4:38:55 AM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		Again, I wouldn't worry a whole lot about it.  If you've behaved decently now (and it sounds as though you have), there's not a lot more you can do.  Just learn from this mistake.  Hey!  We all make them.

(in reply to BondageTopJere)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Have a problem and need some advice. - 9/26/2007 4:43:13 AM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		Yeah you probably shouldn't have blown her off, but she does sound a bit obessessed imho.  I'm not sure how crazy she is, the problem is if she's as new as you said, she's probably really wondering what she's getting into and what's expected of her, having you just ditch makes that worse.

But hey we all make mistakes, and you've done what you can at this point.  Unless you own a time machine (and if you do...shhhh don't tell anyone) you can't go back and change the past, now can ya?
l


(in reply to bandit25)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Have a problem and need some advice. - 9/26/2007 4:46:21 AM   
onmykneesb4Him


Posts: 113
Joined: 8/28/2007
Status: offline 		Why don't you block her? i think as long as she can get through to you somehow, she'll keep thinking there's hope that you'll get back to her.

i've known a person like that IRL who i tried to be nice to, tried to gently end things, but they just would not allow that to happen. Lucky for me, i was in the middle of a move, so although i kept the same phone number, she did not know my new address. i called the phone company and had her number blocked. i felt extremely guilty at first, but i can't see another way it could have possibly ended well.

If you told her you're not interested, that's it. That needs to be respected. i think you should block her access to your IM's, and all the rest.

(in reply to bandit25)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Have a problem and need some advice. - 9/26/2007 4:46:24 AM   
Phoenixandnika


Posts: 748
Joined: 4/22/2005
From: Aberdeen Maryland
Status: offline 		I agree we all make mistakes. I personally don't consider them mistakes if I learn something from them, then I consider them life lessons.
 
I also agree what is done is done.
 
However, is posting a thread calling her a physco and crazy really the way to handle it and try and take responsibility for his part in this?
 
Blessed Be,
Nika

_____________________________

"Life is neither a bed of roses nor a carpet of thorns, it's just what you make of it."



(in reply to laurell3)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Have a problem and need some advice. - 9/26/2007 4:50:40 AM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Phoenixandnika

I agree we all make mistakes. I personally don't consider them mistakes if I learn something from them, then I consider them life lessons.
 
I also agree what is done is done.
 
However, is posting a thread calling her a physco and crazy really the way to handle it and try and take responsibility for his part in this?
 
Blessed Be,
Nika


I don't know, he's been around for awhile, he's made a few posts, maybe he respects our opinions...in which case....he might be the crazy one.

(in reply to Phoenixandnika)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Have a problem and need some advice. - 9/26/2007 4:50:49 AM   
feastie


Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline 		Firstly, OP, why would you ever think it's ok to pull the disappearing act?  You admit to doing so in the past, sounds like karma is now biting you on the ass for it.  Secondly,  you admit yourself that you were "acting like a sex-crazed teenager" with this woman prior to your date.  When you ended the date with her that night, you told her that you'd "talk about going out again."  She had no reason to believe that what you really meant is that you'd, at a later time, tell her you didn't think you were a good match and not want to go out again.  Most men I've gone out with, call me the next day.  She's probably had the same experience in her dating life.  So, she probably felt that you both had an enjoyable evening and was looking forward to that contact.  You didn't provide it and, basically ... she freaked.

Now, I don't get the freak, even though I understand what probably motivated it.  No matter what you say or do, she will blame you and think of you as an ass and feel perfectly justified doing so. 

The only thing you can do is write her.  Tell her the absolute truth.  You're still going to be a bad guy, you're still going to be an ass that yanked her chain and toyed with her (in her eyes), but you need to put a finish on it for her.  She needs you to not only tell her what she did wrong, even though she might not have done anything wrong during the date, but to admit that you were wrong in the way you handled things and more importantly, apologize for being a jerk.

Then and only then, might she let it go.  If she doesn't, then your only choice is to block her. 

_____________________________

Snarky and loving it.

Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

(in reply to Phoenixandnika)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Have a problem and need some advice. - 9/26/2007 4:59:15 AM   
DMFParadox


Posts: 1405
Joined: 9/11/2007
Status: offline 		I did this.  I DID THIS.  Worst time period of my life, I made mistake after mistake and the girl became obsessed with me. But yet, the relationship was obviously doomed.  I even turned down the "friends with benefits" request... I'm a different person now, this was years ago, but I remember how I finally got things on a good, friendly basis between us.

What finally got things right again?  Make demands.  Ask her to prove herself to you; after all, that's what she wants anyway, she wants to validate herself in her eyes.  But the way to do it is subtle: first, it has to be possible for her to do, and not too insane; second, it has to be something that takes a while.  "Get a job" is a good example, if she doesn't have one; "Get a better job" if she does.  "Get into school," or anything that smacks of self-improvement.  If you make that your condition, then two things might happen: one, she doesn't do it, and you have a complete justification for ignoring any emails that don't start with "I got a job."  Or two, she definitely does do it... and at that point, no matter how different you are, it may be worth considering taking her back.  Anyone willing to make a major life change for you, no matter how incompatable they may be at first, is a treasure not to be dismissed casually; and obviously she's on the path to better things, so you should ride along.  If things still aren't working, make more demands and stick by your guns.

_____________________________

bloody hell, get me some aspirin and a whiskey straight

"The role of gender in society is the most complicated thing I’ve ever spent a lot of time learning about, and I’ve spent a lot of time learning about quantum mechanics." - Randall Munroe

(in reply to laurell3)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Have a problem and need some advice. - 9/26/2007 5:18:43 AM   
BossyShoeBitch


Posts: 3931
Joined: 1/13/2007
From: South Florida
Status: offline 		From what you are saying, you completely understand that you handled it the wrong way.  I agree.  I'll go further and add that you were a total asshole for not handling this like an adult.
That being said, it's been done to many of us (myself included) before.  She needs to understand that you do not owe her a single thing and needs to realize that you are JUST NOT INTO HER.  She is behaving like a stalker.  Any contact from you in any way will only encourage and reinforce this behavior..

She should contact me.  I have much better ways to stalk.. heh heh... (just joking)...
Good luck and I hope you don't have a pet rabbit...

_____________________________

A clever man can get out of situations a wise man never gets into...
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

(in reply to BondageTopJere)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Have a problem and need some advice. - 9/26/2007 5:20:38 AM   
willowspirit


Posts: 164
Joined: 6/20/2005
From: U.S.A.-Minnesota
Status: offline 		I think the bottom line here is that she needs more closure.
You truly should have sent a "thanks for a nice conversation, and for meeting me, but I didn't feel a connection" email AS SOON AS You knew it inside of yourself.   THAT would have saved you  lot of trouble.
 
The longer time went on, the more wrapped up her feelings became; the more energy she put into it -- all served to create an even bigger need in her to be given the reasons behind what the heck happened, and a more lengthy email of "closure".

Think of it as supplying her with "emotional aftercare". No sex. No Playing... ? But did you?  Emotions can also be played with. You said you sort of let yourself get "out of control". She was understandably confused. It's time to correct this. Just be honest. Tactfully.
 
Newbies -- and especially submissive personality newbies -- can get bonding feelings pretty quickly.

Her reaction went on awfully long  -- and was way intensely angry -- for what I think a submissive personality type would do.  BUT it is what it is.  I suppose you could deal with it like some  sort of test of Your skill and Your honor.

(in reply to BondageTopJere)
Profile   Post #: 20
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