Why would one choose to submit?

Why would one choose to submit? (Full Version)

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Ladybug69 -> Why would one choose to submit? (9/28/2007 11:39:32 AM)
I am totally new to the BDSM lifesyle..but FAR from being vanilla. I am struggling with coming to a decision whether to become a submissive or not. For starters, I don't really understand what it means to submit. Can someone explain that to me please. I mean, what exactly are things that a submissive gives up? What is she allowed or not allowed to do? How much power does she give to her Daddy? I mean...if the purpose to submit is to serve because you love to serve and trust this person....does one really need to submit to do things for someone and trust them?? I would appreciate some insight to this issue. Ladybug

liljoy -> RE: Why would one choose to submit? (9/28/2007 12:05:13 PM)
i think most of us didn't become submissive it something that was there all along. i think a lot of us struggled to accept that we were submissive at first. What a submissive does or doesn't do, gives up or gains is not universal. All that depends on the people involved

Decimus -> RE: Why would one choose to submit? (9/28/2007 12:29:54 PM)
It might be there all along but as with all things in life you have to choose to allow that part of yourself to be expressed. I chose to submit becaue it is completely natural for me, I cannot even imagine living a life other than this with a woman, she will always be my goddess. Just though thought of a woman in control makes me shiver in delight. As for what I give up, it is far from universal, most people decide with their dom/me what is given up and what is allowed. Some people accept the dom/me's decisions for what to give up although I do not recommend that unless trust is absolute.

BlindDescent -> RE: Why would one choose to submit? (9/28/2007 12:32:20 PM)
Submission is an evolutionary work in progress...and very much akin to performance art. It is what you make it in the context of another's eyes and touch. The key is not losing one'self completely.

toservez -> RE: Why would one choose to submit? (9/28/2007 12:35:19 PM)
I think most here will tell you we did not decide to become or live a submissive life but found the life as our best and happiest path from our needs and desires that were already present. All power exchange relationships are up to the individuals to talk over and agree with each other what power/specific way to live. They can be from very small things in one specific area and not all the time to a more encompassing 24/7 most if not all things. You have to decide your own path and if this life is for you. It is a process and can be full of highs and lows as you learn but it is your path not I want to try this so I need to do this thing. Talk it over with your other, whether the best path is fast or slow and/or limited or wide spread is up to you two to agree on and be happy with.

breatheasone -> RE: Why would one choose to submit? (9/28/2007 12:38:19 PM)
For me..its giving over total control of what and who i am to my Master...How much control He exercises is totally up to Him. Right now Master exercises very little control over me...Thats His choice....The point is He HAS the control when He chooses to exert it.

Daddyskittin -> RE: Why would one choose to submit? (9/28/2007 1:36:38 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Ladybug69 I am totally new to the BDSM lifesyle..but FAR from being vanilla. I am struggling with coming to a decision whether to become a submissive or not. For starters, I don't really understand what it means to submit. Can someone explain that to me please. I mean, what exactly are things that a submissive gives up? I haven't given up a thing... but I've gained a lot. What is she allowed or not allowed to do? I'm allowed to do anything I want... there is nothing I'm not allowed to do. How much power does she give to her Daddy? Ok I'm not exactly sure what your asking here... but I'll take a stab at it and say... we have equal power in our relationship... equal voice... equal feelings... and equal goals... he does have the final say ... but my opinions and feelings are never discarded... ignored nor steam rollered in favor of his... in many ways they mean more to him than his own. I mean...if the purpose to submit is to serve because you love to serve and trust this person....does one really need to submit to do things for someone and trust them?? In my opinion no... people do things for others everyday without "submitting" to them... but this is a bit of a sticky area for me because I do very little for my Daddy... but he does a great deal for me. I would appreciate some insight to this issue. Ladybug

akisha -> RE: Why would one choose to submit? (9/28/2007 1:38:32 PM)
I agree with the others. I didn't decide to become a submissive, I decided to accept my submissiveness and embrace it rather then fight against it. As to how much control you give up. That is totally up to you and your partner. Ask what he wants, give what you can, and see if you can eventually come to a meeting point or not.

Focus50 -> RE: Why would one choose to submit? (9/28/2007 1:40:40 PM)
Dom here! You don't choose to be submissive (or dominant) anymore than you choose to be straight or gay; usually life chooses you. Just as you found your way to this site, I'm sure if you were gay you would've gravitated toward a gay site or two, as well.... "Submissive" is not a career choice but more likely an inherent need within you - and now you're exploring it; probably because it won't leave you alone. The hard part is finding a compatible and complementing Dominant with whom you can just be yourself - that's when it makes most sense to you. D/s relationships are founded on a control dynamic where most choices and decisions are the Doms to make and for the sub to obey. What level of control the Dom has is entirely up to the pair of you to figure out - whatever works mutually for you.... Focus.

Constanza -> RE: Why would one choose to submit? (9/28/2007 1:44:10 PM)
Well i am a sub, because i always where submissive in away.... I just have a good Dom to who i want to give myself totaaly in a submissive way. So no i didn't choose to be a sub..... i just am a sub.

camille65 -> RE: Why would one choose to submit? (9/28/2007 1:51:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Ladybug69 I am totally new to the BDSM lifesyle..but FAR from being vanilla. I am struggling with coming to a decision whether to become a submissive or not. For starters, I don't really understand what it means to submit. Can someone explain that to me please. I mean, what exactly are things that a submissive gives up? What is she allowed or not allowed to do? How much power does she give to her Daddy? I mean...if the purpose to submit is to serve because you love to serve and trust this person....does one really need to submit to do things for someone and trust them?? I would appreciate some insight to this issue. Ladybug It is different for everyone. That is a frustrating sentence to read and I am sorry for that but it is so very true. Everyone has a different reason for going into any relationship. I have given nothing up by becoming his. Hmm I take that back.. I have given up a lot of feeling lost and unhappy. I have lost feeling like I don't quite 'fit' with a man. Power? He has all the power he wants. I am very happy to hand the reins of decision making over to him, but I do so becaust I trust him and I do love him. It took a long time for me to give up holding onto my fears. I was scared to trust, I was scared to be me, I was scared because I was weird/freaky for being both kinky and wanting a dominant man. What am I allowed or not allowed to do? I'm not allowed to denigrate myself, to put off things I don't want to do. I'm not allowed to be irresponsible and I am absolutely not allowed to hide my emotions from him. I am allowed to do and be anything I want as long as I do my very best and as long as it is not something that would effect me negatively. I submit to him for a lot of reason but mainly because he compels me to. He is like the eye of a hurricane, quiet and steady against the whirling confusion of life. He centers me. He loves me.

girlygurl -> RE: Why would one choose to submit? (9/28/2007 4:47:22 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Ladybug69 I am totally new to the BDSM lifesyle..but FAR from being vanilla. I am struggling with coming to a decision whether to become a submissive or not. For starters, I don't really understand what it means to submit. Can someone explain that to me please. I mean, what exactly are things that a submissive gives up? What is she allowed or not allowed to do? How much power does she give to her Daddy? I mean...if the purpose to submit is to serve because you love to serve and trust this person....does one really need to submit to do things for someone and trust them?? I would appreciate some insight to this issue. Ladybug Ladybug, It's my belief that if you have to ask "whether to become a submissive or not" you aren't a submissive. I am a submissive, I just am. Nothing in my adult life "made" me or "turned" me into a submissive, it's just who I am. As time goes by I'm sure you'll find a place that feels right for you, maybe some playtime with your partner and experimenting will allow you to explore the possibilities. Good luck

camille65 -> RE: Why would one choose to submit? (9/28/2007 5:16:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: girlygurl Ladybug, It's my belief that if you have to ask "whether to become a submissive or not" you aren't a submissive. I am a submissive, I just am. Nothing in my adult life "made" me or "turned" me into a submissive, it's just who I am. As time goes by I'm sure you'll find a place that feels right for you, maybe some playtime with your partner and experimenting will allow you to explore the possibilities. Good luck I find nothing wrong with questioning whether one is to become actively submissive. It seems to me that she is exploring it all right now. I think what you wrote was rather condescending.

Celeste43 -> RE: Why would one choose to submit? (9/28/2007 5:20:17 PM)
About the doing things for someone you love question. The difference here is that the dom doesn't think of you as weak for doing so. Whereas in all too many vanilla relationships where you are expected to be independent, you will be taken advantage of. Obviously there are nillas who appreciate this in a partner and don't treat them as a doormat for catering to them, but simply because they don't understand why their partner acts like this, when they themselves never would, there is a tendency to put them down. But a dominant wants a partner who does this, and is more likely to appreciate it and nurture it in a partner by responding positively. The Man drinks one special brand of tea. First time he was here he brought his own tea bag because nobody else ever drinks it. Second time he was here, there was a box of it in the cabinet. He was amazed and grateful that I had kept the tag on the tea bag, gone to the store, and spent 20 minutes searching for the stuff among the more commonly drunk teas, and he showed me how much he appreciated me doing this. My ex took me catering to him for granted and never did anything in return which just made me feel used in a bad way.

opensoul -> RE: Why would one choose to submit? (9/28/2007 5:28:48 PM)
Ladybug, I can not speak for others, but for myself I struggled a long time , life seems to push you sometimes to explore all of your self. For me, i was always looking for a strong person to be with, I alot of times found someone not strong and I had to take over. Finally I had to step back and look inside myself and try to ask the hard questions, What did I want and need and When was I going to start looking and asking for that. After about 2 years I found BDSM and started reading alot researching , then feeling like I found my answer, the I needed to find the person to be the strong one for me, to control ,guide and respect and love me even when I had problems loving myself. So for me I had to find the true me then let it happen.

Ladybug69 -> RE: Why would one choose to submit? (9/28/2007 6:56:51 PM)
OMG...I can't begin to express the gratitude for all your responses. They have truly helped me in beginning to understand what I have been researching. Focus50, it is You who really hit it home for me. And You are right, the fact that I am on this site is because it won't leave me alone. It's funny because although I knew about the lifestyle, I never really thought of the pleasure and gratification that could be received. Camille65, thanks for your comment. I am exploring this side of me that I'm coming to learn and embrace. I don't have a partner...but I'd like to speak more on this with either a Dom/sub/or both. Thanks. Ladybug

SayaNereida -> RE: Why would one choose to submit? (9/28/2007 7:30:51 PM)
Ludybug, My question would be, what brought about this internal struggle? I respectfully point out that you begin your search for answers with a skewed premise in asking, "what exactly does a submissive give up?". Perhaps you want to consider the other side as well; what does one gain as a submissive. It seems to me, that many use words like submissive as more of umbrella terms to a concept or idea, because in reading in this site and others, there are many opposing ideas that are placed under the same heading of 'being submissive'. I did begin to write a response to 'I don't really understand what it means to submit. Could someone explain that to me please' and I realized how long a post that could become. So, in short, from my perspective, and in my relationship, submissive means I love my mate and choose to do everything within my power to make his life a little easier and a little happier. However, why I believe I am submissive is not based on my actions or behavior within the confines of one particular relationship dynamic; that one relationship dynamic is what helped me to recognize all that I have been and am, can be placed under the (umbrella) term of submissive. When you hear or read another say that they are submissive, what images come to you mind, what feelings to your heart and do you feel a pull or push from you soul? Respectfully, Saya

Ladybug69 -> RE: Why would one choose to submit? (9/28/2007 7:55:05 PM)
Saya, That's a very good question...what images comes tomind when I read others say they're submissive. The answer to that is...from stories I've read and from what some tell me...I visualize being humiliated..on my knees in a bowed position, not speaking until being acknowledged, being ordered to do varies of things. I know it has to be more than this..this is why I posed the earlier questions. I'm curious to what the relationship consist of. Is it a loving, nuturing, emotionally/intimately/mentally fulfilling relationship..where you're not in D/s mode 24/7? And if you're not, do you get together only for "scenes?" Another good question is..what brought on this struggle. I'm having an issue with someone having total control over me. From the responses I've received, the amount of control (and to what aspect of my life) is determined by BOTH the D/s...not just the Dom. That I'm happy to discover.

SayaNereida -> RE: Why would one choose to submit? (9/28/2007 9:00:28 PM)
The point is, a D/s relationship is no different than any other relationship; it is what you wish it to be and work for it to become. My relationship is 24/7, and it includes but is not limited to a loving, affectionate, emotionally, mentally and physically fulfilling relationship. From the outside, we are a 'normal' couple that grocery shops, attend parent/teacher meetings, and may other things too small (and yet so important) to list. He has never humiliated me, publicly or privately, I choose not to accept that as part of my submission. Therein lies the key, you as the submissive can and should choose whom you will submit to and what you will accept from that person. IF you do not want humiliation, do not accept it. If you want a loving and nurturing relationship continue to seek for the person that can provide such. Just because you are submissive does not mean you must submit to any that 'demand' it nor in the way that another defines it. Right now, you admit to having an issue or apprehension to relinquishing complete control, so don't. Asking others to define/explain their D/s relationship and it's dynamics is like asking a wife what she does as a wife, it varies from person to person and relationship to relationship. What do you want your submission to be? It can literally be anything you define it as, because it is YOU submitting yourself to another, how do you want to do that? Saya

Ladybug69 -> RE: Why would one choose to submit? (9/28/2007 9:29:41 PM)
Now see...THAT right there is what I needed to read and understand. In my talks with a D, He described it as being Him in total control at all times...with her having little control, not needing to ask for permission to do some things. But then again, as you said, it varies from relationship to relationship...and this WAS His relationship He was referring to. I've also had some to tell me that they expect their "pet" to follow submissive protocol and wear collars. I want my submission to be to a loving, understanding, supportive, etc..relationship .. just as I would a normal vanilla relationship. For some reason, I perhaps thought the two were different...and in some aspects they are. I would not want Him to make all decisions for Us...as a matter of fact, I want to be viewed as his equal...not Him being superior to me. I would however, want the majority of His dominace to be in the sexual aspect of the relationship. Wow...now I think a light just went off in my head since I layed it out like this.

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