Confused with rape fantasies

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

Confused with rape fantasies

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Confused with rape fantasies

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Confused with rape fantasies - 9/29/2007 11:28:44 PM

lynn23

Posts: 9
Joined: 9/27/2004
Status: offline

Okay, I feel weird about even discussing this, but I don't know who to talk to...I, like a lot of other women (or so I've heard), hav been having rape fantasies. I've discussed them with a past Dom and desired to live it out more than ever most recently...I just don't know why I would even be turned on by the thought of it...and here's why...

I have been raped once and had an attempted rape...both by boyfriends...

When I was 18, I was asleep at my b/f's house and was havin a very vivid dream. When I awoke, I found my b/f on top of me...he realized I woke up and moved, went back to sleep like it never happened...I told a school counselor and was basically told that it wasn't rape for 2 reasons...1) I was asleep and therefore did not object and 2) I had consented on earlier occasions and therefore it was assumed consent on this particular incident... (Yes I know both are totally not correct), but I was so embarrassed that I had allowed myself to be in that situation that I never told my family until about 2 years later...

Then 2 years later, my now ex-fiance attempted to rape me while he was drunk...he was so drunk that the days following he denied it...even when I showed him the bruises on my neck from the choking and the slits on my wrist from the rope...it ended the minute he denied to go to anger management and stop drinking.

So as you can see, it seems odd that with my past that I would even consider allowing myself to relive or even revisit these issues...Now I can't even bring myself to discuss thes concerns wih my therapist, mostly becase I am afraid she, like a couple of my friends, would tell me that they happened a whil ago and I need to move on and let them go....and anyone else who has been raped understands that you just can't forget these things....

So I am just tryingto figure out if there is a part of me that feels if it were to be play rape if it would feel more like I had some control (which woud completely def the poit of rape)...and if that doesn't make sense, can anyone else TRY to see in my brain and tell me why I am so demented or screwed up over this...

Post #: 1

RE: Confused with rape fantasies - 9/29/2007 11:36:54 PM

Kirata

Posts: 15477
Joined: 2/11/2006
From: USA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lynn23

Now I can't even bring myself to discuss thes concerns wih my therapist, mostly becase I am afraid she, like a couple of my friends, would tell me that they happened a whil ago and I need to move on and let them go....

No competent therapist is going to blow you off with a "get over it". Talk to her.

K.

(in reply to lynn23)

Post #: 2

RE: Confused with rape fantasies - 9/29/2007 11:48:46 PM

zacit

Posts: 2
Joined: 4/9/2006
Status: offline

I'm a male, so my thoughts might not be relevant to your situation...but maybe they are so I'll proceed.

1) regarding your therapist, if your paying someone money to help you and they tell you something that doesn't help you, they might not be the person for you. So you should mention this to your therapist and if your therapist then tells you to let it go and move on, perhaps it's time to move on...to a new therapist.

2) repeated interest in something that should seem bad has happened to me. Repeated behaviour is similar. My counselor told me that the unconscious part of our mind tries to "fix" things in order to help us to move on. But - in my opinion, anyway - our subconscious is not always so clever. Like I always wondered why I would recreate situations in my life and try to relive an old, unresolved situation. But many times you can't get over old situations without evolving your perspective or having an epiphany or something that leads you to a point where you have a realization & sort of think, "Ah ha!". One big reliazation my counselor led me to was that the thought processes of the past were felt to be necessary in the past. But now that the situation is not present, I can hope to learn how to trust the new reality and hopefully develope a new version of reality that doesn't need to old survival tactics.

So...I don't know if my suggestions make any sense, but I had to try.

Good luck & don't be afraid to get your money's worth from your therapist!

- Larry

(in reply to lynn23)

Post #: 3

RE: Confused with rape fantasies - 9/29/2007 11:50:27 PM

lynn23

Posts: 9
Joined: 9/27/2004
Status: offline

i know i should...guess i am just scared to sound like a complete moron, but guess i've already accomplised that, lol...

(in reply to Kirata)

Post #: 4

RE: Confused with rape fantasies - 9/29/2007 11:50:52 PM

spanklette

Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kirata

No competent therapist is going to blow you off with a "get over it". Talk to her.

K.

I agree...see if you can find someone who is kink-friendly so you won't feel so uncomfortable discussing the role-playing fantasy. Don't forget...there are support groups out there who you can talk to about your specific circumstances. Whatever you decide to do, make sure that any Dominant you involve is aware of the circumstances surrounding your fantasy.

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

(in reply to Kirata)

Post #: 5

RE: Confused with rape fantasies - 9/29/2007 11:56:13 PM

lynn23

Posts: 9
Joined: 9/27/2004
Status: offline

Thank you...sounds something like what I may be trying to do....

As far as the therapist...I don't have a new one yet...this beame an issue for me when I was diagnosed bipolar and didn't have the stomach to discuss the intial incident to the therapist...I am searching for one here since I moved, but feeling uncomfortble becaue the mental health center is run by a religious organization (fr lack of a better description)..their idea of help for most conditions is religion...and i think explaining fatasies to them might get me sent to hell....

but will talk to my regular dr and see if he can refer me to a private practice if possible...

thanks again...

(in reply to zacit)

Post #: 6

RE: Confused with rape fantasies - 9/29/2007 11:58:41 PM

Kirata

Posts: 15477
Joined: 2/11/2006
From: USA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lynn23

i know i should...guess i am just scared to sound like a complete moron, but guess i've already accomplised that, lol...

Nahh. Hugs. Actually, the fact that you can entertain such fantasies now without them provoking panic or discomfort suggests that you have in large measure gotten past those earlier unfortunate experiences.

K.

(in reply to lynn23)

Post #: 7

RE: Confused with rape fantasies - 9/29/2007 11:59:55 PM

lynn23

Posts: 9
Joined: 9/27/2004
Status: offline

I am hoping I don't allow myself to actually live it out anytime soon...probably wouldn't be the smartest decision I've made at least not until i understand myself emoionally....

and yes, kink frendly is pobably what i need to find...am hoping the bible belt has some of those....

(in reply to spanklette)

Post #: 8

RE: Confused with rape fantasies - 9/30/2007 12:05:33 AM

HollyBlue

Posts: 144
Joined: 9/13/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kirata
No competent therapist is going to blow you off with a "get over it". Talk to her.
K.

Agreed.

Also, I believe your rape fantasies and your having been raped are mutually exclusive, and although I can understand why you would be confused by the seeming contradiction, you are actually dealing with two separate issues.

First, you're dealing with your feelings about what did happen, and it sounds like you do need to talk some more with your therapist in order to heal. That's what she's there for, and she can't help you if she doesn't know what's going on. If you at all can, try to find the courage, every visit, to tell her exactly what you're dealing with, even if it seems to you that you "should" have moved on, or "should" feel differently. It doesn't matter how you "should" feel...what matters, and what drives your behaviour and your future, is how you do feel.

The second issue consists of your desire to be dominated and taken against your will. Yes, you are right that a lot of women have these kinds of fantasies, and from what I can gather, different women might have them for different reasons, or to differing degrees. Some are submissive, some are not, but what I will tell you is that feeling guilty for having these feelings (especially considering your history) is not going to help you. Try to separate judgment from them, and view them as an expression of your natural sexual identity, even if it's not an expression you might necessarily want to live out in real life.

Although you are understandably confused, you are not demented or screwed up.

Most likely, your rape fantasies do not stem from a desire to be raped, but nor do they stem from a desire to be play-raped.

In my case, I know they ultimately stem from a desire to give up control, and other aspects of a submissive and masochistic sexuality, which I believe is a natural sexual orientation that occurs in some people, just like homosexuality occurs in some people. Rather than something to be ashamed of, it is something to get to know, come to terms with, and incorporate into your version of a happy life.

If you are truly submissive, to whatever degree, I would encourage you to explore more BDSM writings, if you haven't already. You may find some things, both in fact and fiction, that turn you on, and help you see the connection between your deepest desires and a healthy expression of your sexuality.

Not knowing you, I can't offer any more specific advice, but I do think reading BDSM nonfiction and fiction would help you understand yourself a bit better.

A final word -- just because you may be submissive does not mean you asked to be raped, or somehow brought it about. The perpetrators brought it about. Be very clear about that, and if you need to absolve yourself of guilt in that area, please work through it with your therapist.

I wish you all the best in your process of recovery, self-discovery, and finding happiness.

Holly

< Message edited by HollyBlue -- 9/30/2007 12:10:55 AM >

_____________________________

Check out our couples' profile: http://www.collarme.com/personals/v/861450/details.htm

Read my blog: http://ConsensualSlave.net

Follow me on Twitter: http://twitter.com/ConsensualSlave

(in reply to Kirata)

Post #: 9

RE: Confused with rape fantasies - 9/30/2007 12:09:25 AM

HollyBlue

Posts: 144
Joined: 9/13/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lynn23

I am hoping I don't allow myself to actually live it out anytime soon...probably wouldn't be the smartest decision I've made at least not until i understand myself emoionally....

and yes, kink frendly is pobably what i need to find...am hoping the bible belt has some of those....

Here's a link to NCSF's Kink-Aware professionals' directory. I don't know how complete it is, but it might be a place to look:

http://www.ncsfreedom.org/index.php?option=com_keyword&id=270

_____________________________

Check out our couples' profile: http://www.collarme.com/personals/v/861450/details.htm

Read my blog: http://ConsensualSlave.net

Follow me on Twitter: http://twitter.com/ConsensualSlave

(in reply to lynn23)

Post #: 10

RE: Confused with rape fantasies - 9/30/2007 12:11:36 AM

breatheasone

Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline

Lynn, welcome to the boards #1 and let me confirm for you that its not just you. I also have a violent sexual past...and I also have a "rape fantasy" I hope to play out someday. I think my desire for it goes to the kink I have about not being in control...but thats just me....To be honest I'm not sure why I have the "rape fantasy" but i do...

_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

(in reply to lynn23)

Post #: 11

RE: Confused with rape fantasies - 9/30/2007 12:12:23 AM

slimcontroller

Posts: 46
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline

My this is a subject frought with problems.

There is the legal side, which, although, reasonably well defined only scratches the surface of the matter .Even here the number of convictions is very low compared with the prosecutions brought and they in turn are a small proportion of the complaints made. Research shows that most 'rapes' are not even reported.

This does not justify rape, it means that in some form - perhaps not within a strict legal definition - it is very common. Why is this ?

One could speculate; but without data there is little point. ( Is there anyone willing to fund a programme of research ?). I can only say that real legal rape produces long lasting truama which may be self doubt, panic attacks and others more or less serious. There is also the matter of physical damage.

So let us leave that aside and look at the fantasy. Again it seems quite common, certainly in subs, several of my acquaintance have confided they have such fantasies. They may be very romantic, such as handsome figures dressed as highwaymen, leather clad bikers or spacemen who romance them off their feet and have passionate sex or more brutal types who defile them. What is this about ? Ladies you had better come out and explain !

Anyway you look at this the problem for the male, Dom or not, is acute - does she want, wish and really consent or not. If I get this wrong where will I be ? A matter for brain not balls !

Slimc.

(in reply to lynn23)

Post #: 12

RE: Confused with rape fantasies - 9/30/2007 12:12:26 AM

BossyShoeBitch

Posts: 3931
Joined: 1/13/2007
From: South Florida
Status: offline

lynn,
First of all, you are not weird, crazy or deranged. You are a perfectly normal girl with a fantasy that many of us have. Even those of us who have been raped by people we thought cared for us.
There is no "statute of limitations" on traumatic events. The very idea that anyone would suggest to you that it was so long ago, so you should "get over it" is very upsetting. I urge you to get help soon. You recognize that you need it and that's great (hell, I think everyone should get therapy at some point.)
By tomorrow afternoon you will probably have gotten pages and pages of responses from people here who have been in your same situation and who also have rape fantasies (some fullfilled, some not). You are not weird.
You are a girl who had something really awful happen to her, twice.
You also happen to be a kinky girl with rape fantasies.

Rape Play Fantasies
http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=1027884

Rape Fantasies-anyone who has been in my situation:
http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=754129

These are just a couple of threads on the subject that have been discussed here. I'm sure Lucky Albatross will be by with some extremely insightful thoughts and really good links for you..

.

Best of luck lynn..
-BSB

_____________________________

A clever man can get out of situations a wise man never gets into...
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

(in reply to lynn23)

Post #: 13

RE: Confused with rape fantasies - 9/30/2007 12:13:45 AM

lynn23

Posts: 9
Joined: 9/27/2004
Status: offline

Thank you...maybe there was one thing I just didn't realize and reading your response, maybe I read between the lines or am off balance with this..I gathered that maybe since it's been close to 4 years since actively pursuing a relationship where I could resume my submissive role (which i am in vanilla relationships but guys seem to hate when i try to be respctful), that maybe that part of me is trying to get my attention...again, maybe this only makes sense to me like most other thoughts..

.but I thank everyone for their response...I've read other forums about the rape fantasies and was a bit worried what kind of reaction I would get...but appreciate the support and thoughtson this situation. :)

(in reply to HollyBlue)

Post #: 14

RE: Confused with rape fantasies - 9/30/2007 1:02:52 AM

Tigrita

Posts: 484
Joined: 8/16/2007
From: California
Status: offline

Hi lynn,

You are among friends who understand. Big hugs for stepping out and being honest about yourself and finding people who relate.

I don't know if what I might have to share relates directly to you, but I'll give you my experience and take on rape fantasies to let you know you aren't alone. Mine have come in a couple of distinct forms. When I've had a what I'd consider a true rape "fantasy" it is more like a waking nightmare, a product of depression and severe feelings of helplessness, guilt, and low self-esteem, a desire for punishment. It isn't enjoyable to think about, but it comes into my head when I feel like I "deserve it" as an ultimate punishment. Thankfully I've moved past that time in my life and haven't had these feelings for several years.

A different form of "rape" fantasy, I do enjoy. It isn't unhealthy to me, personally, and I don't fear it, nor does it imbue or reflect guilt or shame. It is a circumstance similar to what you described with your ex boyfriends who raped/tried to rape you. I certainly don't mean to say that these weren't devastating and unhealthy for you, but I'd just like to share a different perspective. Personally, I enjoy a man who will certainly not take no for an answer. If I'm not in the mood, sore, exhausted, have a headache, whatever... and I express this, even physically fight him, it is still his prerogative to do with me what he will, forcibly. That is part of his dominance, an integral part of the dynamic I enjoy overall. This would certainly be rape for you, because you obviously don't enjoy that type of dynamic, and don't let anyone, shrink or otherwise, tell you that it isn't. Is this rape in my circumstance? I really can't say for sure. Legally, it probably is. But I consent to the relationship, and enjoy his dominant role in it, which includes this, so I kind of see it as consensual at a higher tier that overrules the lack of consent for the individual events, and we're both aware of this. If this happened outside a consensual dynamic that allowed for it, I would certainly consider it rape.

Okay, I guess a third variant should not be overlooked since it is actually my favorite type of interaction, period. The whole take-down situation is just f*#!ing hot. For me that is more of a demonstration of desire and prowess/strength from a dominant man, and I don't really consider it a rape fantasy. I love a good, fighting take-down, and I fight not to win or to escape, but because if I can win or escape, I'm not interested.

Bottom line: Enjoy what you enjoy. Don't let yourself feel guilt or shame for thoughts/feelings/desires that are natural to you and aren't destructive. On the other side of the coin, if something you feel internally, or have experienced physically, distresses you deeply in its self and is destructive for you, seek professional help, be it a kink-wise psych professional, or law-enforcement authorities. You know in your heart the difference between rape and fantasy, consent and exploitation. Listen to your gut and trust yourself, love.

~ J

edited to make my potty mouth moderator friendly and clarify a little

< Message edited by Tigrita -- 9/30/2007 1:10:11 AM >

_____________________________

~ Tigrita

There is no right path, only the path you take.

Success is making life happen, versus just letting life happen to you.

"Many of the things I enjoy, I enjoy because I don't enjoy them." - Charlotte

(in reply to lynn23)

Post #: 15

RE: Confused with rape fantasies - 9/30/2007 2:18:10 AM

lynn23

Posts: 9
Joined: 9/27/2004
Status: offline

I wish that in both situations that it was as you described..unfotunately I had poor judgement with the first b/f...he had a history of rape,but I worked with his mom and I genuinely belived, after meeting his PO that him being in jail was just a case that the girl was younger than she said she was.it wasn't until the next day that i learned he prefered to rape at knifepoint...but back then i had never even considered rape ever being something to fantasize about really...and yes, maybe during the vivid dream i was enjoying it, until I realized not only that it was real, but that he had broken my #1 rule (protection) and that is what hurt me the most...
in the case of the fiance, he was a sub also but had shown dom tendencies which was not a big deal, but it was already an abusive relationship before the night that he blacked out on me...to me that is not safe, sane, or consensual, for either of us

yes i surely entertain the idea of having someone take control and not accepting no as an answer,but to a point, ya know?

(in reply to Tigrita)

Post #: 16

RE: Confused with rape fantasies - 9/30/2007 3:09:43 AM

spanklette

Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline

The consequence for poor judgement shouldn't be getting raped...but we don't live in a world of "shoulds". Maybe you should take a look at what attracted you to both of these men in the first place and note the common denominators. Then take a look at the relationships in your life that have not ended in abuse (including friends and family). I would note the things in common as well. Maybe that will give you a jumping off point to feel more solid about your decision making.

Above all, you should be able to trust your gut...and I would hate to think it's clouded by your perception of your decion making. Sometimes logic can help when looking at things in hindsight, so you can move forward...notice I did not say "get over it". Sometimes abuse victims can fall into a cycle of harsh self-judgement that really doesn't get you anywhere accept doubting yourself. This is why a therapist is so important. A therapist can look at your situation without their vision being colored by emotion.

But, you should also remember that a therapist only gives you the tools to fix the problems, only you can actually bring resolution.

I wish you well on your journey!

PS...I know you're new to the boards so I'll also give a tiny warning. If anyone messages you for details about your situation, please remember that not all of the people on CM mean well. I'm not trying to scare you off of making friends off of the boards...just be cautious so as not to be rebrutalized by events that are already heinous. I wasn't sure whether to include the warning or not, but better safe than sorry, I guess.

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

(in reply to lynn23)

Post #: 17

RE: Confused with rape fantasies - 9/30/2007 3:28:00 AM

Rule

Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lynn23
So I am just trying to figure out if there is a part of me that feels if it were to be play rape if it would feel more like I had some control

That is a possibility that makes sense. On the other hand it may be that you have rape fantasies because you want to hand over all control.

(in reply to lynn23)

Post #: 18

RE: Confused with rape fantasies - 9/30/2007 6:26:55 AM

amelliagrace

Posts: 1792
Joined: 8/4/2007
Status: offline

Dear Lynn-

What you have been told in this thread is true. A competent therapist will be very helpful to you, and not poo-poo your past trauma. Far from it. Kink friendly therapists may be easier to talk to, but if you can't find one, get some assistance with this anyway.

With regard to rape fantasies in general:
They are certanly common, and not an indicator that you enjoyed being raped, are mentally ill, or are inherantly anymore flawed or unstable than the rest of us inhabiting the planet. Rape fantasies have many, many roots from which they spring, and the vast majority of those, should you choose to dig around in yours, are probably not related to your trauma at all.

The acting out of rape fantasies can be either helpful or harmful. Any sane person - yourself included - realizes that some fantasies can be easily translated into real life sexual experiences, with others would be a disaster on multiple levels, for plenty of reasons. Some things only remain healthy and safe when caged within the mind. Still others, and IMO rape scenes fall into this catagory, CAN be translated into experience BUT require great care in preparation and execution to be successful and not negative or even harmful.

Memory replacement therapy is indeed helpful to some people. I do not recommend it wholesale, and definitely don't recommend that it be tried by anyone who isn't a long way down the path of healing. Rape scenes can fall into this catagory, and can be used as tools of healing. They can also blow up in your face - as can so many things in life.

I've been there, done that, got the t-shirt where rape is concerned. I didn't actively address that trauma for 18 years. By that time, I'd come a long way with healing, even by not actively addressing the issue head on. One thing I discovered and embraced, however, is that "indirect' doesn't get the whole job done, and takes a lot longer than"direct". Obviously you've already come a long way on your own. I encourage you to finish the job now, with assistance. And, should you find a kink friendly therapist, discuss memory replacement scening with them. Should you desire, I'll share more indepth with you on that subject in email.

Be proud of yourself. In starting this thread you've actually taken a quantum leap step in your own healing. "Get over it"? Yes, you can. No, it isn't something that happens in an instant just because someone else thinks it is time. "Getting over it" is a process, and the time and effort required varries greatly from person to person. The experience will always be a part of you, but it need not be a negative one. You have the power to control that, not the rapist. The most delicious revenge, for me, has been not allowing someone unworthy to control my present reality by something done to me in the past.

-grace

(in reply to lynn23)

Post #: 19

RE: Confused with rape fantasies - 9/30/2007 6:59:56 AM

Pyrrsefanie

Posts: 1222
Joined: 9/18/2007
From: NEW HAMPSHAAAAAAH!
Status: offline

I understand your confusion about this completely. I was also sexually abused and for the longest time have been unable to figure out why, then, I have such a penchant for rape roleplay. So you're not the only one out there whose past and present seem to contradict each other.

I don't know much about the how's and why's of rape fantasies, but I wanted to say something on this thread anyway, because it's something that I can identify with. You're not alone.

And thanks to everyone who responded with their point of view and information on the matter -- I'm finding it quite an amazing and insightful read for my own purpose.

(in reply to amelliagrace)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Confused with rape fantasies

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.109