Is He a Sadist? An Abusive Man? Married?

i have wanted to make this post for quite awhile, and solicited some stories from girls here (without any responses *sigh*) so what follows is a combination of my experience and friendships with Sadists, etc.

1st: is He a Sadist? First and foremost, a Sadist is a Dom or Master (generally a Master). He has the qualities you'd look for in any Master: confidence, consideration, good manners, integrity, and so forth. A Sadist wil reveal His desires upfront and will actively be seeking a masochist girl. He will take a woman...any woman..to an erotic response to pain...with safe words..and not beyond that erotic place...but each time He will take her "higher" and T/their relationship will grow more and more s/m over time. In BDSM, no one is more honest with potential submissives and slaves than the true Sadist Master.

2nd: is He an abusive Man? Compared to the Sadistic Master, the abusive man hides his true intentions from women. His profile has very little information on it, so that he is free to "mold" himself into what he thinks any particular woman wants to hear. Once he has engaged a woman in conversation, he will be trying to guage the best time to begin the process of culling her from the herd and making her his personal punching bag. The 1st thing the abusive man wants is control/isolation of the woman. For example, having her make a new Yahoo nick and YIM that only he can access and requiring her to leave it on at all times; so she cannot IM with her friends. There are many, many "tricks". Forcing her to give him the password to her cell phone account online so he can monitor with whom she speaks. Etc. Once he feels control/isolation has been established, he will want her physically present (usually at her expense). From what i heard in TheLobby, the girl usually traveled to meet the man; a violation of an important safety rule; women should meet men on their home turf the 1st time. In any event, it may be a one-time event in which he savages her; or the beginning of a long-term relationship in which she becomes a battered woman but thinks she is a submissive.

Some other "cues" to look for:

He will not agree to a background check.

He will not give personal information that is verifiable, such as his employer's name and address.

He will not send a copy of his driver's license.

He wants you to sneak away to see him; he wants no one to know where you are while you are with him.

He will not tell you where you'll be staying while you are visiting him.

He asks you to end an important relationship, especially one with a man, such as a Mentor.

Most importantly, you feel a sense of unease about him.

3rd: Is he a married man?

First, a caveat. i am NOT referring to married men who reveal their married state and who form relationships with submissives or slaves alongside their marriages. i am well-aware of this phenomeon and do not pass judgment on it.

i am referring to married men who lie and claim to be single. These guys are a nuisiance. They are generally vanilla and are liars. They are not real Doms or Masters and they waste our time and in some cases, hurt our feelings. They usually are no threat to our well-being; quite the opposite; they rarely want to meet in r/l.

They are first and foremost liars, so if you start by asking "are you married?" some will be startled into being honest. Following that; if he only calls you on his cell; if he cannot call nights or weekends; if He cannot makes plans to meet you "at this time"; if he cannot give you his home address; etc., especially if you wonder "is he married?"; chances are very good -- he is married.

The information on this post is not intended as gospel; nor should anyone substitute my judgment for their own. In all events, A/anyone should consider a background check before entering a situation that puts them at risk; the check can be requested by the subject and handed over with the social security number redacted (blacked out).

My hope in writing this post is that someone -- or Someone -- will pause and say "that seems fishy to me" and act accordingly. My best wishes to E/everyone searching.

i also hope P/pl will add to the thread, posting T/their "cues" and W/we can pool O/our resources.

pinkpleasures

Kiaban..You make a good point..i idealised Sadistic Masters...however i am blessed with great Men as friends and They are my only experience of Sadistic Masters. i agree, there must be mediocre and even lousy ones, lol.

pinkpleasures

*Big Sigh* i guess i'm communicating poorly. The men on CM who identify Themselves as Sadists...these are the men i referred to....not every cop with "excessive force" complaints", etc., etc. etc. My kid's 2nd grade teacher was a bit sadistic.....i do not mean to include her in this discussion.

Gemeni, it is not my intention to "stereotype" anyone other than men who come in sheeps clothing, but are ravening wolves, seeking to prey on submissives and slaves' desires and good faith. i did not say there could never be innocent explanations for the behaviors i ascribed to abusive/married men; i said "here are some cues in the landscape to pay some attention to" because they often appear in the case of such men.

The cue i emphasised a woman should pay the greatest attention to was her own sense of ill ease about a man. Intuition gets a bad rap -- but i think it's an excellent survival technique.

Hummm...well, live and learn i guess. This is news to me. i thought there was a dynamic btw a Sadistic Master and His submissive/slave that He drew the line at a place where she was deriving something (which perhaps not everyone would understand) from T/their play.

Further, that the Sadistic Master took great care in leading a submissive or slave deeper and deeper into pain over time, never crossing that boundary wherein she derived her reward from the play. Possibly the confusion lies in the inclusion in the entirety of meanies under the term "Sadistic Master", which was not my intention.

After Emerald "debunks" the cues i gave; she adds :

The problem with this advice is it's vague. It does not say; look in the living room; it says "LOOK". i find women are able to speak after the fact about "cues" that they deliberately ignored, partially because they seemed innocous or because the man held them in some sort of thrall or isolation. This was my purpose in beginning the thread. All of us would like to believe that it is sufficient to tell women (especially young ones) to behave responsibily and that would keep them safe. What we aren't acknowledging is that an abuser (and frankly the married man-as-liar to a much lesser degree) is a predator. One thing Emerald did say is that a man with bad intentions would make some effort to create a false sense of safety.

Very good. i completely agree.

i ask, for the women -- and men -- whether we could tease out any other such cues?

pinkpleasures

fate...i fully agree. the "lifestyle" encompasses a rainbow of relationships and behaviors i am only a lil bit aware of and even less understand.

i do, however, know abusive men. One difference between abusive men and the "lifestyle" is that the women in their lives were "captured" by some means and are "held" in the relationship. Let me illustrate what i mean. Generally, an abusive man very carefully calculates the first time he hits a woman..and it is not a savage beating, probably just a closed fist to her belly. She is shocked and begins making plans to leave. He shows up, contrite, making promises that nothing like that will ever happen again, treats her like a princess, begs for a second chance, etc., etc. And she's confused...and most women stay.

In the lifestyle, a Sadistic Master does not say to His submissive or slave "God, i'm so sorry; i beg your forgiveness, nothing like that will ever happen again; here's a diamond tennis bracelet."

Can you see the distinction, fate?

Generally, battered women leave, after years of abuse, because one of two things has happened. He has begun abusing the children. Or she has come to believe her death is imminent unless she flees. Here i speak of the true "battered woman" and her children. NOT some edge play between a Sadist and a partner. My point is, abusive men DO troll BDSM sites, believing submissives and slaves are somewhat easier to "capture" and "hold onto". It is to avoid THESE men (and i suppose women, but i never had such a case) that i wrote the post.

i am not at all interested in condemning anyone's kink or putting our Sado-masochist members under a microscope. As i said earlier, the Sadistic Masters whom i have become close with are truely great Men, and i admire Them very much...even though we could never be a D/s couple. i do not intend to injury anyone -- quite the opposite -- i want to warn women (and men) --- that not everyone on site is what they claim to be, and not everyone should be trusted, without any effort at verification.

If there's a better way, fate, i am surely open to it...it's not my pride of place i'm interested in, but in reducing risk and possibly finding a way or ways of showing up abusive men for what they really are.

pinkpleasures

i completely agree. There is a lack of consent to the action which brings the pain/mental anguish/suffering...and he is giving you the creeps. Those two things above all else are the best indicators of abuse..and when they are present, the girl should extricate herself by any means possible.

i feel sad that mistoferin finds the list counterproductive. That a girl will say, well, his behavior does not match the list, so he must not be abusive. *Big Sigh*. That is one reason i had hoped others would add cues for girls to use; lengthen the list, so to speak. But i take mistoferin's criticism to heart, and do not know exactly what we should be doing now to try to PREVENT abusive men from capturing submissives and slaves in the first place.

i open the floor to further discussion.

pinkpleasures