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Safe words - 7/24/2005 12:52:03 PM

Hissweetshiv

Posts: 200
Joined: 6/24/2005
Status: offline

I used my safeword for the first time the other night. I cried all over Master afterward, even though He was very comforting and made sure to convince me He wasn't upset over having to stop playing or anything like that. My question is, do any of you ever use safewords? And if you do, do/did you feel guilty for doing so?

Post #: 1

RE: Safe words - 7/24/2005 12:59:47 PM

stormsfate

Posts: 849
Joined: 2/1/2005
Status: offline

I don't have one, but if I did, I wouldn't hesitate to use it for its intended purpose. Afterall...he gave you one for a reason and surely expected you to use it if it became necessary. To me, that doesn't indicate failure on your part at all...quite the contrary.

best regards,
fate

(in reply to Hissweetshiv)

Post #: 2

RE: Safe words - 7/24/2005 1:05:18 PM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline

Absolutely right. If you're given a safeword, use it properly. Some subs take it as a matter of pride not to use a safeword even when they need to. That's not only dangerous, but also a perfect example of not communicating.

quote:

ORIGINAL: stormsfate

I don't have one, but if I did, I wouldn't hesitate to use it for its intended purpose. Afterall...he gave you one for a reason and surely expected you to use it if it became necessary. To me, that doesn't indicate failure on your part at all...quite the contrary.

(in reply to stormsfate)

Post #: 3

RE: Safe words - 7/24/2005 1:26:06 PM

Gemeni

Posts: 255
Joined: 2/19/2005
Status: offline

You used it as intended,no need to feel like you failed-when you actually succeeded.

(in reply to Hissweetshiv)

Post #: 4

RE: Safe words - 7/24/2005 1:47:19 PM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hissweetshiv

I used my safeword for the first time the other night. I cried all over Master afterward, even though He was very comforting and made sure to convince me He wasn't upset over having to stop playing or anything like that. My question is, do any of you ever use safewords? And if you do, do/did you feel guilty for doing so?

See why safewords aren't that great? People put so much into them that ought not be there and make it such a "thing" that it loses any real purpose.

Just use basic communication.

(in reply to Hissweetshiv)

Post #: 5

RE: Safe words - 7/24/2005 2:32:12 PM

perverseangelic

Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline

I used one once. Honestly, the situation I was in I was surprised he stopped. He did. I felt guilty, but not too guilty. Our relationship ended soon after. Needing to use the safeword was a symptom not a cause.

I find it is much safer for me to simply rely on open and honest communication during play. I am no good at remembering a word when things are going on, but I -can- verbalize, at least in sounds, the sensations I'm feeling and if it gets to be too mucnh.

_____________________________

~in the begining it is always dark~

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

Post #: 6

RE: Safe words - 7/24/2005 3:07:12 PM

oceanprincess

Posts: 42
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

I have used my safeword before and got upset and cryed about it before. I told him at lease once, or more that I was sorry. I felt guilty for not being able to take the swats from that cane that he was giving to me. It just got to be too much for me to handle. I have only used my safewords a few times, and I get emotional about it everytime, it's normal....just enjoy it when you can do whatever it is that you are doing for as long as you can, and then use your safewords if you can't handle it anymore. That's why we have them.

ocean

(in reply to perverseangelic)

Post #: 7

RE: Safe words - 7/24/2005 3:13:54 PM

Lovinit

Posts: 21
Joined: 9/7/2004
Status: offline

I also have a safe word. They are there for the exact reason that you used yours. When an intense situation is going to accrue, my Master always makes sure that I remember my safe word. When he does that, it just makes my mind go in over-drive.

I have never used mine, but that doesn't mean that I would never need to. If I had to use it, I would never feel guily for using it! I feel like I have a comfort level knowing it is there!!!

Lovinit

(in reply to Hissweetshiv)

Post #: 8

RE: Safe words - 7/24/2005 3:27:17 PM

Jennylu48

Posts: 48
Joined: 7/23/2005
Status: offline

Communication is extremely important. Yes I have a safeword. In the beginning, I felt like you. It wasn't something I would used casually. If I did use it, I had a reason. Like you, I too was comforted and not made to feel bad. Now, we have been together for over 10 years now and I haven't used my safeword in at least 8 years or 9 years. Anymore we seem to be able to read each others body language and facial expressions. All it takes is just a look

and he knows exactly what I am thinking and feeling. But should he miss the little subtle signal, I have no reservation at all about yelling my safeword out.

(in reply to Hissweetshiv)

Post #: 9

RE: Safe words - 7/24/2005 3:30:56 PM

FirmlyTiedDown

Posts: 6
Joined: 9/2/2004
Status: offline

quote:

If you're given a safeword, use it properly. Some subs take it as a matter of pride not to use a safeword even when they need to. That's not only dangerous, but also a perfect example of not communicating.

I tend to fall into this category; not something I am proud of. I always have one, and have never used it. I have through good communication let it be known that things were becomming too intense, without using the safe word. One time at a play party I was determined not to use it and things went beyond safe and sane. Fortunately (no accident) a Domme who knew me well stopped the play before any real damage. Guess in that case I used a safety Domme.

(in reply to Lovinit)

Post #: 10

RE: Safe words - 7/24/2005 3:40:52 PM

nenakajira

Posts: 221
Joined: 7/14/2005
Status: offline

In the relationship I am in now I do not have a safeword.. but in past ones I did. I never had to use it and I doubt I would have even if I had felt the need. Then again, I have no problem interupting a scene either.

Hrmm.. wait.. I once screamed out 'foot cramp' and everything stopped. I think thats the universal safeword :) lol. Ever notice that a cramp will stop *everything*? :)

(in reply to Hissweetshiv)

Post #: 11

RE: Safe words - 7/24/2005 4:08:16 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

We use yellow and red. Master's goal is to get me to yell yellow. He wants to push me to the edge and then reel me back. I've used RED once, when I got a charlie horse. I feel no shame in calling red and Master certainly didn't want me to feel any shame in it either.

We are very in tune with each other, but still, I will always know what's going on with me before anyone else does.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to nenakajira)

Post #: 12

RE: Safe words - 7/24/2005 7:04:59 PM

perfection20005

Posts: 419
Joined: 4/20/2005
Status: offline

Thats what it is suppose to be used for. You needed to let him know something, and that is the purpose. Don't let it get you down.

perfection

(in reply to Hissweetshiv)

Post #: 13

RE: Safe words - 7/24/2005 9:58:03 PM

Vancouver_cinful

Posts: 1911
Joined: 2/3/2004
Status: offline

While there are all kinds of discussion around whether using safewords work or not, I think it comes down to basic preference between individual dominants and subs...

Saying that...

Almost every article I have read about the use of safewords addresses the fact that a sub will often feel quilty or that they have let their dominant down.

If a dominant and sub agree to use safewords then yes, both parties will have to work to make sure that everyone feels okay about the situation afterward.

You aren't alone. Many of us have felt what you are feeling. Just keep working through it with your partner.

Hugs,
Cin

_____________________________

Cin

quote:

My Karma Account is huge, but I just can't seem to make a withdrawal!!

http://cinful.wordpress.com

(in reply to Hissweetshiv)

Post #: 14

RE: Safe words - 7/24/2005 11:02:44 PM

Archer

Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline

Guilt over using a safeword is not an unusual reaction.
That said Dominants if they are going to use them as I believe they should, should include communication before during and after a scene to make sure they are used when appropriate. I have a policy I tell people I play with, If you fail to use a safeword when you need it and I find out about it I will not play with you again for 6 months or more.
Hopefully it relaxes them enough that if they feel they need it they will not hesitate to use it knowing that I expect them to do so if they need it.

In Leather

Archer

I have never found out that anyone needed one and didn't use it.

(in reply to Hissweetshiv)

Post #: 15

RE: Safe words - 7/25/2005 8:12:31 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Vancouver_cinful

Almost every article I have read about the use of safewords addresses the fact that a sub will often feel quilty or that they have let their dominant down.

The odd thing is that I think the guilt reaction is due to the sub view on it not the Dominant view. So many subs brag on the fact that they've never called a safe word that it makes those who do use them correctly feel bad. Most Dom's I've talked to would rather have their subs use their safe word and don't feel that they've been let down. Most expressed that they would feel let down if the sub allowed the Dominant's property to be harmed or damaged out of pride.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Vancouver_cinful)

Post #: 16

RE: Safe words - 7/25/2005 9:05:31 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

My question is, do any of you ever use safewords?

this slave does not have a safeword. in the 3 years that Master and His slave have been together there has only been one time this slave has stopped a scene. early on in our relationship we were at a local dungeon. this slave realized something was wrong and called out "Master, i'm scared". upon closer inspection by Master, it turned out this slave pulled muscles on the inside of her thighs, straining against the restraints. this slave does not feel guilty at all about stopping the scene. this slave also does not feel a safeword is necessary for US, due to the lack of communication issues. If Master cannot see the "bone protruding from this slave's skin", she will communicate it in a LOUD voice! Seriously, though, Master is very in tune with His slave, communication, especially during a scene, is a constant.

(in reply to Hissweetshiv)

Post #: 17

RE: Safe words - 7/25/2005 9:33:19 AM

ShiftedJewel

Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline

quote:

See why safewords aren't that great? People put so much into them that ought not be there and make it such a "thing" that it loses any real purpose.

I think part of that is because some people, as was stated in another reply, tend to brag about never-ever having to used a safe word and make the ones that do feel impotent.

Safe words are very important, especially to new couples that are discovering and exploring their "territory". Personally, I would feel both horrible and disappointed if a submissive allowed me to go to far in a scene because of some misguided belief that using a safe word equates to weakness or the lack of ability to "take anything for their owner". Think about it from the dominant point of view... for some of us the desire to push limits is inherent to our mindset, couple that with the need to fulfill a submissive's desires during a scene... Do you realize that we may be "pushing our limits" just as we push yours? That perhaps safe-wording out will be a welcome relief to a dominant that has reached and perhaps surpassed their own level of comfort?

There is no need to ever feel guilty about using a safe word so long as you use it for all the right reasons, in fact, you should feel totally opposite, you should be proud that you were able to expand your limitations and move beyond past barriers and were able to identify new barriers and new limits and set new goals... a success story for sure. With out goals there can be no growth.

Jewel

_____________________________

Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

Post #: 18

RE: Safe words - 7/25/2005 10:09:09 AM

wednesday

Posts: 93
Joined: 6/21/2005
Status: offline

quote:

See why safewords aren't that great? People put so much into them that ought not be there and make it such a "thing" that it loses any real purpose.

Just use basic communication.

I agree with you in part, but there's a catch for some of us.

In the course of activity in my current relationship, I will say things like "don't" or "stop" or "no." And they don't mean anything. The safe word is there because for me, personally, it doesn't sound any different when I mean it than when I don't. If we're playing with fear/terror stimuli - I'm going to sound scared, I'm going to cry. That doesn't necessarily mean I'm TOO scared, though. If I say "please let me down now" in the midst of that kind of play, it's not going to mean much. If I say my safe word, and THEN say "please let me down now" he knows that I meant it.

I wouldn't be ashamed of using it in afterthought, but in the context I often become embarrassed. Not because I feel I did the wrong thing, or that I let him down... just because if whatever is going on at that point is enough to make me use my safe word, I'm probably already rattled. I'm lucky that when introducing new stimuli, he starts slow and always asks "too much?" as it progresses. We're usually able to find levels that way.

He insists on the safe word being in place. I don't argue. Much.

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

Post #: 19

RE: Safe words - 7/25/2005 1:18:42 PM

Vancouver_cinful

Posts: 1911
Joined: 2/3/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl
The odd thing is that I think the guilt reaction is due to the sub view on it not the Dominant view. So many subs brag on the fact that they've never called a safe word that it makes those who do use them correctly feel bad.

I agree with you on this. I think this goes hand-in-hand with people who like to throw real and true and right way around.

Those who say safewords don't work, or if he was a good dom his sub would never have to safeword, or using a safeword means a sub doesn't trust their dom, should remember that they don't know how power exchange works for anyone but themselves.

We need to stop caring what others tell us we should be doing and work on doing what's healthy and fulfilling for ourselves and our partners.

Discussion about how things work for us is a great way to get ideas, to be inspired, and to share...but nobody has the one, right answer to how BDSM should work, since those answers are only found within ourselves and our own relationships...and are different for each and every one of us.

Cin

_____________________________

Cin

quote:

My Karma Account is huge, but I just can't seem to make a withdrawal!!

http://cinful.wordpress.com

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 20

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