I am Struggling.... (Full Version)

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brightspot -> I am Struggling.... (7/24/2005 2:12:10 PM)

I just returned from sending a little oner a month with my Domina.....We are 400
miles apart but travel back and forth quite frenquently.

The issue I am struggling with is my Domina, has maintained a very close relationship(friendship) with her Ex. Close enough to even state she has become her best friend.

This woman I will call "Shelly" was present when we did things together, some of the plans we had to be together a lone, turned into a more group things with Shelly and
her partner there.

When we travel we drive and it takes 6 or 7 hours and although we do spend the first week or two totally a lone because my Domina knows how I feel, time after that when something special is going on, Shelly and her girl are there. WIth my limited time I want to be more a lone with Her.

I get bugged sometimes because when Shelly is there with her girl or not my Domina still seems taken with her and I end up feeling second fiddle.
Now I and my Domina are extremely honest, I know they have not been sexual for years and have No desire to do that and Shelly has a girl.
I have never had to deal with this type of situation before, Ifind myself getting bugged and jealous and just let it ruin my fun.

A for instance that bugged me, was that I am a Photographer and her Ex dabbles in it and Shelly was asked to take pic's at my Domina's mother's 80th birthday party.
That hurt to the core...My domina's answer to why was that I sometimes panic when having to be in a large group of people and she wanted to make sure pictures were taken.
How I looked at it was that would have given me the opportunity to be there with a ligit purpose, making me feel more comfortable.
Well she got 300 pictures, with I would say about 25 "Good" shots. Which woiuld have been different if I had been shooting!

Anyway, I know that if I want to be with my Domina I have to except and most likely embrace Shelly...Can anyone give me some advice on how to let go of these feelings..and become more excepting of Shelly.

Another thing is Shelly is somewhat aloof, I don't know it may be a shyness factor but it comes off to me more like arrogance, which dosen't help.

I love my Domina, she has said she loves me. I want her to be happy in her life
and she desires to keep this connection and I want to grow and learn to except rather than to risk losing My Domina.
If anyone can share similiar experiences and or how you have dealt successfully with this kind of situation, it would be much appreciated.

*Brightspot



EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: I am Struggling.... (7/24/2005 2:28:11 PM)

First obviously you need to communicate these issues before they turn into resentments. Showing her this email would be a great start as you have really laid out the issues very well, in a non-blaming and non-confrontational ay, with very specific examples and possible solutions. If everyone started resolving their problems like this, things would improve greatly.

I'd suggest you both need to set down and each spell out your expectations for "alone time." See what limits you are both comfortable with. Sometimes couples have to do this when it comes to computer time :)

Make sure you reiterate that you aren't trying to lessen the relationship they have, but that you feel this is hindering the growing of your own relationship together.

As far as the specific instance of the photos, it's understandable that you would be hurt, but you brought it up and were given a fairly reasonable answer as to why. Continue this and discuss a possible future instance where you can show off your own talents.

Fitting into a persons life who has a past is never easy, any person who has had the "meet the parents" weekend understands this. But if both people are listening and clear on expectations, you can limit the problems that occur and learn to roll with the wrinkles that will rise up.



Hissweetshiv -> RE: I am Struggling.... (7/24/2005 2:36:07 PM)

I have experienced something similar - not completely alike but similar. An ex of Master's (from high school) lives not far from us. He has maintained His friendship with her for a very long time and, although i have no worries that this girl will become a romantic interest again, i had to stifle my feelings of dislike (and a little jealousy).
The best suggestion i can make to you is to take the time to notice the good things about your Domina's ex. Once you get to know her better, even if you aren't the best of friends, it may be easier to understand why your Domina is set on remaining friends, and to accept the relationship as it is.



MistressFire70 -> RE: I am Struggling.... (7/24/2005 3:00:33 PM)

Does your Domina have you journal at all? If so, does she read it or can you request for her to read it? This would be an excellent thing to put in a journal. If not, write it all down and edit it until is says exactly what you want it to say. then send it or read it to her.

you need to make sure your needs are being met by the relationship. There are wants (like which movie to watch or what toy to use) and then there are needs (like emotional support and sometimes the need for a scene).

I hope it works out.

Fire



brightspot -> RE: I am Struggling.... (7/24/2005 7:00:23 PM)

quote:

First obviously you need to communicate these issues before they turn into resentments. Showing her this email would be a great start as you have really laid out the issues very well, in a non-blaming and non-confrontational ay, with very specific examples and possible solutions. If everyone started resolving their problems like this, things would improve greatly.

Thanks Em, I have discussed this with Her when it was happening, before I left and since I have been back. When we talk I do start to feel more secure and less threatened...My Domina explains that it will just take time and that my trust will build with my seeing everything is only friendship now between them.

I'd suggest you both need to set down and each spell out your expectations for "alone time." See what limits you are both comfortable with. Sometimes couples have to do this when it comes to computer time :)
This is a very good idea and I will think of how we can discuss this and plan for the next time I go.

Make sure you reiterate that you aren't trying to lessen the relationship they have, but that you feel this is hindering the growing of your own relationship together.
Good point.

As far as the specific instance of the photos, it's understandable that you would be hurt, but you brought it up and were given a fairly reasonable answer as to why. Continue this and discuss a possible future instance where you can show off your own talents.

Another good idea and I will explain that it is important for me to let her see what I am capable of doing with my Art.

Fitting into a persons life who has a past is never easy, any person who has had the "meet the parents" weekend understands this. But if both people are listening and clear on expectations, you can limit the problems that occur and learn to roll with the wrinkles that will rise up.


[8|] Boy can I relate the last visit I did meet a lot of the family on her mom's 80th birthday. But I see now, yes i need to be more clear about my feelings, there was so much going on for her that I just wanted to help all I could and not burden her with "Our" stuff....Maybe I will be more keen to finding or asking for those moments I need to express myself.

*Brightspot



brightspot -> RE: I am Struggling.... (7/24/2005 7:06:09 PM)

quote:

The best suggestion i can make to you is to take the time to notice the good things about your Domina's ex. Once you get to know her better, even if you aren't the best of friends, it may be easier to understand why your Domina is set on remaining friends, and to accept the relationship as it is.


Great suggestion His sweetshiv,
That is what my Domina tries to explain to me and I do hope in time it will be fine...
but I will try and notice the good and what I do like about "Shelly" and try to open up to her more...ARGH!!! that sounds soooo difficult right now[&:].

*Brightspot



brightspot -> RE: I am Struggling.... (7/24/2005 7:13:30 PM)

quote:

Does your Domina have you journal at all? If so, does she read it or can you request for her to read it? This would be an excellent thing to put in a journal. If not, write it all down and edit it until is says exactly what you want it to say. then send it or read it to her.

you need to make sure your needs are being met by the relationship. There are wants (like which movie to watch or what toy to use) and then there are needs (like emotional support and sometimes the need for a scene).

I hope it works out.

Fire


Yes Fire she does have me write, maybe not journal style, but I am a writer too, so she knows I not only enjoy writing, I express myself the best through writing.

You're right I do need to make sure my needs get met too...and they should be just as or more important than what toy or position.... but also to make her aware of what I see interferring negatively for me in the relationship.
Thanks for your input.

*Brightspot



RiotGirl -> RE: I am Struggling.... (7/24/2005 7:51:22 PM)

hmmmmmmmmmmm something i've dealt with for Oh.. about a year.

Tried to put it in the perspective that i've friends i'm really close too. Try to land in his shoes ya know?

that worked for awhile.. well until.. and then..

well

and now i just try and ignore it. Cos you get frickin questions in your head.. and you fricking wonder.. and then you remember to have abit of faith.. you forget and its okay.. and then you get smacked in the face with it again.. and you try to talk about it.. but it doesnt go over well.. cos they think you're saying something else.. so you try and rephrase it.. and sometimes you talk.. and they assure you its just friends and thats okay for then, but then you think about it and its not okay. And then well.. it can get worse. Suuuuuuuuuure.. trust have faith.. and then that person disapears and there's another in place.. and its starts all over again.. but have faith and some trust... and no matteer what anyone says, cos i swear confronting with what other ppl say just aint bright. Been there done that. Heck, EVEN get their OWN words of what THEY say.. aint bright. Wont do no good.

Listen to yourself. Listen to your heart and your MIND. If it seems not straight up.. well why take the fricken chance. Ya know, it JUST MIGHT be straight up.. but really you wanna live like that? And if its not this girl shelly.. who says it might not be someone else? Over and fricken over until you have a list of names in your damn head. And even if it is JUST friends and all that crap.. why be with some one else who needs to get emotional fullfillment some where other then you?

Kind of like cheating.. do it once, always do it. If she's getting emotional fullfillment else where now.. who says she'll ever stop? Just be a different name. Different set of "issues" to deal with. Oh.. and if she or anyone comes at you that "its all in your head" take a flying leap elsewhere. Cos thats a pretty one they like to lay down, to get you to shut up and believe the shit they're spewing.

Of course, you could keep trying and dealing with all the emotional anguish, the insults from other ppl, the constant forced opionons of what you should do and letting others call you bipolar and all sorts of stupid stuff.. but then, you'll just end up cynical like me. Not giving a rats ass anymore. Drinkin a beer, wishing you had something else and sick and tired and fed up because YOU tried to work out ALL YOUR frickin issues (cos its all in your head remember), you tried your damnedest, you tried to be the "understanding" one. You tried to have faith.

But hon it dont work like that. you're better off heading for the hills now.



EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: I am Struggling.... (7/24/2005 7:57:40 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: RiotGirl
why be with some one else who needs to get emotional fullfillment some where other then you?

Nothing that Bright said suggested any foul play on the part of her domina or the domina's ex/friend. What's wrong with people have many sources of emotional fulfillment? Isn't that why we all have friends?

Granted some boundaries need to be made and it IS hard with "the ex" around, no matter how cozy and happy things are now, but that doesn't mean there's needs for suspicions at this stage of things.

quote:


Of course, you could keep trying and dealing with all the emotional anguish, the insults from other ppl, the constant forced opionons of what you should do and letting others call you bipolar and all sorts of stupid stuff.. but then, you'll just end up cynical like me. Not giving a rats ass anymore. Drinkin a beer, wishing you had something else and sick and tired and fed up because YOU tried to work out ALL YOUR frickin issues (cos its all in your head remember), you tried your damnedest, you tried to be the "understanding" one. You tried to have faith.

But hon it dont work like that. you're better off heading for the hills now.

There are people who would be happy to help if you'd get over the idea that it's a weakness if you accept it.



pinkpleasures -> RE: I am Struggling.... (7/24/2005 8:09:49 PM)

I am about to sound CYNCICAL. Read At Your Own Risk. (LOL.)

Here are some home truths i belive after -- egads -- 38 years of relationships.

They are called "exs" for a reason. If they are sill around, there is unfinished business, and your loved one is not fully available to you.

In every relationship, there is a lover and a beloved. So long as this remains well-balanced, the lover is as haappy as the beloved. But some people want/need/cannot seem to avoid triggering jealousy in their lovers. Deliberate acts -- such as leaving the lover to play second fiddle in a social setting to an "ex" -- are a cruel way to get a "validation fix". Such people will bring drama and chaos into your life and as difficult as it is, the lover is better off to withdraw, suffer the loss, and move on to someone more secure and avaiable.

Once you are about 25, you have developed a set of instincts. If inside you have a feeling of being nervous and worried when you think of your loved one, and it grows worse when you interact, you need to step back and perhaps heed those feelings. In a healthy relationship, apart from the inevitable ups and downs, your loved one makes you feel happy and more desirable, more "competent"; more gifted.

Last but not least -- this has never failed me or any of my girlfriends, i am sorry to say. If you are asking yourself "could he/she be cheating on me?' the answer is always "yes".

mea culp, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.

pinkpleasures



EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: I am Struggling.... (7/24/2005 8:14:36 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: pinkpleasures
They are called "exs" for a reason. If they are sill around, there is unfinished business, and your loved one is not fully available to you.

You are once again making overgeneralized and false statements. I thought you'd learned by now.

quote:

Last but not least -- this has never failed me or any of my girlfriends, i am sorry to say. If you are asking yourself "could he/she be cheating on me?' the answer is always "yes".

mea culp, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.

pinkpleasures

Not always true.

It is always true that if you are asking the question then there's a problem in the relationship. Whether that problem is that cheating is going on or something else is not clear.



LaMspeach -> RE: I am Struggling.... (7/24/2005 8:46:35 PM)

Someone ask me the other day why i don't generally get jealous . My first answer was " i don't know" but after i thought about it for a while my answer changed to ... If anyone can tear apart my relationship or change what Masters and i have built then it probably wont work out in the end anyways so i choice not to drive myself crazy. If the relationship isn't going to work, it is just not going to work it wont matter much if there is an ex or some one new walks in. i know it is hard but IMO, not trusting your Domina will hurt the relationship more then an outsider could.



GentleLady -> RE: I am Struggling.... (7/24/2005 9:08:09 PM)

quote:

Last but not least -- this has never failed me or any of my girlfriends, i am sorry to say. If you are asking yourself "could he/she be cheating on me?' the answer is always "yes".

mea culp, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.

pinkpleasures

This has not been My experience. In point of fact, My husband's ex-wife thought he was cheating on her during the marriage...he wasn't but she was, which was why she was being suspicious.

Gentle Lady



BlkTallFullfig -> RE: I am Struggling.... (7/24/2005 9:31:46 PM)

Hey Brighstpot,
I'm sorry you're feeling all these things... What I consider to be best advice, has already been said... Put these concerns in a journal, and let your domina read them, than you two sit down and talk about all these things.
I don't envy your position, because I personally would not want to be in a relationship where my love is so close to his ex (unless they have children and need to be together frequently) that she'd be invited to almost every place my love goes... I suppose it's a matter of trust and feeling secure in yourself.
Your needs are not being met, and you're being made to feel less important and that is not okay. So try and talk as objectively as you can with your Domina about these things and see how she adjusts your life (maybe with less Shelly), since she loves you and cares about your happiness. M



brightspot -> RE: I am Struggling.... (7/24/2005 9:52:20 PM)

~Thank you again Em for the advice you gave with your answers to;
Riot Girl and pinkpleasures.
I know she is Not Cheating and Shelly has a partner she's fucking very
happily.

~LaMspeach, great wisdom shared...I agree and will take your words into concideration.

~M; Thank you for your words of wisdom too...and the support you extend. We are continuing to discuss the issue and it is worth it for me (so far) to try and work with it than leave it. I will continue to talk and work with it...Thanks again for your suportive stance.

*Brightspot



ShiftedJewel -> RE: I am Struggling.... (7/25/2005 4:27:52 AM)

quote:

When we travel we drive and it takes 6 or 7 hours and although we do spend the first week or two totally a lone because my Domina knows how I feel, time after that when something special is going on, Shelly and her girl are there. WIth my limited time I want to be more a lone with Her.


I'm going to play the devil's advocate here... Having been on the "other" end of such a situation... only the distance was far greater... England to US.

So what you are saying is that she should put her life completely on hold during your visits? I think it's wonderful that she and you are able to spend the first week or two alone and that after that she wants you to be a part of her daily (and normal) life.

quote:

A for instance that bugged me, was that I am a Photographer and her Ex dabbles in it and Shelly was asked to take pic's at my Domina's mother's 80th birthday party.
That hurt to the core...My domina's answer to why was that I sometimes panic when having to be in a large group of people and she wanted to make sure pictures were taken.
How I looked at it was that would have given me the opportunity to be there with a ligit purpose, making me feel more comfortable.
Well she got 300 pictures, with I would say about 25 "Good" shots. Which woiuld have been different if I had been shooting!


It kind of sounds like she was trying to do some good for everyone involved, first she was trying to keep you out of a situation that may have caused you some undue stress and at the same time help out a friend. I've known photographers that will take up to 50 shots in an attempt to get one really good one...(2% good), so 25 out of 300 (12% good) seems like a reasonable number to me. And if you think about it... how much of the critical judgement is about "great photographs" and how much is about jealousy?

quote:

I love my Domina, she has said she loves me. I want her to be happy in her life
and she desires to keep this connection and I want to grow and learn to except rather than to risk losing My Domina.
If anyone can share similiar experiences and or how you have dealt successfully with this kind of situation, it would be much appreciated.


Yes, I have dealt with this type of situation before. When it came right down to it I had a talk with the girl visiting from England and told her that her comments, her insecurities and her jealousy concerning the other submissives that were here was unacceptable behavior and that I was completely disappointed in her at that moment. She didn't want to like the other girls therefore... she didn't, she found every excuse to complain about their behavior and make snide comments about their abilities or personalities. How did I deal with it? I sat her down and told her she was being hateful, judgemental and childish, none of which I would put up with. After almost two years with her I expected her to have more faith in my decisions. In the end...yes, she did lose me.

Jewel



brightspot -> RE: I am Struggling.... (7/25/2005 12:19:25 PM)

quote:

I'm going to play the devil's advocate here... Having been on the "other" end of such a situation... only the distance was far greater... England to US.

So what you are saying is that she should put her life completely on hold during your visits? I think it's wonderful that she and you are able to spend the first week or two alone and that after that she wants you to be a part of her daily (and normal) life.


Hello Jewel, I am open to the devil's advocate stance you have taken.
I do understand that she was having me be a part of her normal life, but I also think that
when I am with her she could stand to be with out the company of her Ex for a few days,
instead of everyother day, it is like they still have to be sucking each others tit's for some reason....I want to say that our relationship is not a Strict, go by all the D/s "rules",
It is more of a Lover relationship that incorporates Pieces of BDSM that we find work for us and we enjoy complementing our togetherness.

Sorry I don't know how to show your other quotes here but I would like to respond none the less.

~Yes, I have and do take many shots as a Photographer to narrow it down to a few great shots.
And I agree My Domina was probably doing what she thought best to cover her ass where the photography was concerned. I do think I am the Better and more experienced Photographer though....But I also own the touch of jealousy....Feelings of jealousy are very hard to control, when you also have to listen to such things when you are alone about how the other night when we were out playing pool how She thought Shelly, well I will qoute her "You know I was starring at Shelly the other night, and it struck me what a beautiful woman she has turned out to be(she is like 12 years younger than we are), I mean why does she feel it is necessary to share that info with me??

~Like I said above we have a strong D/s dynamic in our relationship, but not your typical
Strict Domina/sub aspect. But she did in so many ways explain things from her perspective and I did suffer punishment for my behavior. Like I have mentioned before I am trying to grow and learn and trying to except and understand this situation with an open mind. I am just stuggling with it that is why I asked for suggestions to help me deal with it more effectively.

Thanks for your input Jewel....

*Brightspot



stormsfate -> RE: I am Struggling.... (7/25/2005 12:55:34 PM)

Brightspot, I'm sorry for your anguish. I just wondered....if Shelly were not an ex, but rather oh...say a best friend from 3rd grade, would you still have the same feelings? Or say Shelly was her next door neighbor who would regularly come over to your Mistress' home every evening to drink coffee and play cards.

It may really be as simple as you being jealous of your owner's time and not necessarily Shelly...although in truth, it does sound more like you are jealous because of the history your owner has with this other person.


f



MstrHellsFury -> RE: I am Struggling.... (7/25/2005 1:22:45 PM)

on this issue I agree with you Hissweetshiv...when questions arise look at things from a different angle...try to see what good the other sees in that person...after all they chose you..what is it about you they see...are there any similarities that you are blinded from seeing...most of all ..and I say this with no malice of heart or thought...remember you accepted a certain place in which to be in your Dom/me life...that station may not seem what you want now..but for their point of view..it's where they want you at this point in time...be more accepting...



pinkpleasures -> RE: I am Struggling.... (7/25/2005 1:35:06 PM)

bright spot..i am sorry i said anything about cheating since you are confident that's not happening. i agree with Gentle Lady; if one partner begins cheating, for some odd reason they become suspicious of the other partner. Under those circumstances such fears are generally unfounded. My girlfriends and i do not cheat but we have seen the dynamic occur.

i think E/everyone who told you improved communications would be a good idea was correct. Without any idea something is bothering you, your Domina cannot address it. i also think the advice to try and accept you Domina as a real person, with a full life, including friends, was valid. i still think when you visit, She should alter Her schedule and make room for you, but perhaps She does and that isn't enough for you.

Leaving aside all the BDSM dynamics, long distance relationships are hard for A/anyone. It's difficult to have someone pop in and out of your real life and sustain a sense of intimacy whilst they are gone. It's no one's fault; it just is.

pinkpleasures



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