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Do you feel like your slaves/submissives tend to be.. - 10/1/2007 5:03:24 AM   
hermione83


Posts: 393
Joined: 8/1/2007
Status: offline 		selfish, can't listen to what you're saying and misinterpret things to have hidden negative meanings, pessimistic, overly resistant to their Master, can't express their love feelings for their Master, childish, full of a lot of fear, anxious, depressed, and with no self-esteem? I'm doing some soul-searching. I always thought I was very giving, and thinking of others first, but I was told that I was like the above, and that it runs rampant in bad submissives.... I'd like some honest answers about myself, I guess. I'm hoping to change somehow if it's true.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Do you feel like your slaves/submissives tend to be.. - 10/1/2007 5:07:57 AM   
RRafe


Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline 		Yes, I have seen this in more than one I dated. Which is why I no longer do D/s in the "classic" sense. By putting the onus of a woman having her life and emotional content together in a reasonable, adult manner-I chase off the bad ones.

The sort of men and women you speak of seek enablers for thier immaturity. And I am not one to be used that way.

I offer support-not a crutch.

There IS a difference.

_____________________________

I seem to be some wierd combination of Ren and Stimpy

(in reply to hermione83)
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RE: Do you feel like your slaves/submissives tend to be.. - 10/1/2007 5:18:50 AM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline 		Short answer... no.  I tend to avoid relationships with someone who has that many issues.  However, I can say that most of the submissives I've known over the years had some noticeable degree of insecurity about themselves, not all of them, but definitely over half.  That can lead to anxiety, depression, defensiveness, etc.  The childishness, selfish behavior, etc. tends to be at its worst when they felt the most insecure.  Probably everyone has felt that at some point in their life, some more than others.  Sometimes it can be dealt with relatively easily by building the submissive's confidence up.  In other cases the issues run deeper and can be difficult to deal with.

Its entirely possible to normally be a giving, caring person and go through a period where you aren't.  If you're feeling anxious and insecure, I'd suggest you ask yourself why.  What's going on in your life to cause that?  Think about ways you can confront and deal with those issues in a constructive way.

As for one person's opinion... maybe they're right, maybe they're wrong.  Couldn't hurt to get a second opinion from someone who knows you.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to hermione83)
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RE: Do you feel like your slaves/submissives tend to be.. - 10/1/2007 5:22:22 AM   
hermione83


Posts: 393
Joined: 8/1/2007
Status: offline 		Well, my ex was the one who told me that the other day when he broke up with me. So he should've known me pretty well. I feel horrible about it, I really do. I know I have issues, I'm just not sure exactly if those are it, or if he saw things wrong, or was just being mean, or what.... but, I have had random emails to my profile that have said, oh my gosh, grow up girl, etc, lately too.. Which makes me think maybe I have a post-it note on my forehead that says I am these things. =\. I know deep down I am giving and good, if I'm not now.. I hope. >< Anyway... I have a bazillion issues, and I don't know if being submissive goes along with them or if it's just me. I apparently drive all guys away, and I'm unbreakable, and everyone thinks they can improve me, but they cannot. It's really not that I don't try, or that I don't care at all. If I'm gathering things right, I see and hear all things through a big filter, and I can't escape it. I don't really know what I can do. I feel helpless.

(in reply to Padriag)
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RE: Do you feel like your slaves/submissives tend to be.. - 10/1/2007 5:24:47 AM   
cuteanduselesss


Posts: 7
Joined: 8/2/2007
From: A blip on the radar
Status: offline 		I have an L on my forehead, does that count?

_____________________________

Chasing the Meaning of Life
is very much like
a dog chasing its own tail

(in reply to hermione83)
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RE: Do you feel like your slaves/submissives tend to be.. - 10/1/2007 5:25:51 AM   
hermione83


Posts: 393
Joined: 8/1/2007
Status: offline 		I'm guessing that stands for something other than Laverne or Loser? :P

(in reply to cuteanduselesss)
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RE: Do you feel like your slaves/submissives tend to be.. - 10/1/2007 5:27:16 AM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hermione83

Well, my ex was the one who told me that the other day when he broke up with me. So he should've known me pretty well. I feel horrible about it, I really do. I know I have issues, I'm just not sure exactly if those are it, or if he saw things wrong, or was just being mean, or what.... but, I have had random emails to my profile that have said, oh my gosh, grow up girl, etc, lately too.. Which makes me think maybe I have a post-it note on my forehead that says I am these things. =\. I know deep down I am giving and good, if I'm not now.. I hope. >< Anyway... I have a bazillion issues, and I don't know if being submissive goes along with them or if it's just me. I apparently drive all guys away, and I'm unbreakable, and everyone thinks they can improve me, but they cannot. It's really not that I don't try, or that I don't care at all. If I'm gathering things right, I see and hear all things through a big filter, and I can't escape it. I don't really know what I can do. I feel helpless.


I kind of question anyone that says all this stuff when ending a relationship..honestly what's the point at trashing someone's character at that point?  You are right though, they cannot improve you, but you can.  You have to decide what YOU want to change about you, not someone else and then start working on it.
Good luck.
l

(in reply to hermione83)
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RE: Do you feel like your slaves/submissives tend to be.. - 10/1/2007 5:29:07 AM   
RRafe


Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline 		I'll just give you a tip here.

If someone tells you to "get over it." during one of these episodes-and it sets you off...........look at where it comes from.

Own it as you-not them. And begin.

_____________________________

I seem to be some wierd combination of Ren and Stimpy

(in reply to hermione83)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Do you feel like your slaves/submissives tend to be.. - 10/1/2007 5:31:50 AM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		wait though...your profile is wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too long to read and the references, well not references but LONG stories about old boyfriends are most likely a trigger that's not positive for some men.  I would work on shortening it up a bit if I were you. 
l

(in reply to RRafe)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Do you feel like your slaves/submissives tend to be.. - 10/1/2007 5:38:26 AM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hermione83

Well, my ex was the one who told me that the other day when he broke up with me. So he should've known me pretty well.

There may or may not have been a grain of truth to whatever he said.  But keep in mind that things said during a break up aren't the most reliable opinions.

quote:

I apparently drive all guys away, and I'm unbreakable, and everyone thinks they can improve me, but they cannot.

Forget the "need to be broken" crap.  I see that in a profile and I walk the other way.  If you're attracting guys that want to "fix you", that can be a problem in itself... so called "white knights" usually have issues of their own.  You can improve yourself, and others can encourage and offer guidance, but if you aren't willing to make the changes then nothing will come of it.  So you're right, nobody can "fix" you, except you.

quote:

It's really not that I don't try, or that I don't care at all. If I'm gathering things right, I see and hear all things through a big filter, and I can't escape it. I don't really know what I can do. I feel helpless.

That "filter" sounds like a defense mechanism to protect yourself.  Sometimes when a person is feeling really insecure, they ignore or filter out things that make them feel really threatened.  Its a way of avoiding things that we don't feel we are ready to deal with.  Problem is, it can become a trap that keeps you from ever dealing with those issues.  The trick is to push yourself to face those things anyway.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to hermione83)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Do you feel like your slaves/submissives tend to be.. - 10/1/2007 5:40:51 AM   
hermione83


Posts: 393
Joined: 8/1/2007
Status: offline 		Just the one ex-fiance. It was 7 years of my life. The reason I wrote so much, was that I'm pretty much insane, and my policy is to start telling everything bad about myself from the get-go so they know what they're getting into. It hasn't been extremely successful in detracting people who wouldn't like me in the end, sadly, but they always end up complaining about stuff I warned them about in the beginning, so I don't get it. I try to put it out on the line. Also, I'm not looking for someone to play with, I'm seriously looking for someone to marry.... the chances are slim, and I don't want to waste either of our time, ya know?

(in reply to laurell3)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Do you feel like your slaves/submissives tend to be.. - 10/1/2007 5:45:25 AM   
RRafe


Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline 		Seek therapy-not enablement.

_____________________________

I seem to be some wierd combination of Ren and Stimpy

(in reply to hermione83)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Do you feel like your slaves/submissives tend to be.. - 10/1/2007 5:48:10 AM   
hermione83


Posts: 393
Joined: 8/1/2007
Status: offline 		I've done therapy many times, actually.... I don't think anyone getting paid to listen can heal like love can... And besides that, I think the way someone thinks and their personality is just pretty much out of one's control. =\ I have tried to change my own thoughts, but it's like trying to change my heartbeat to me.

(in reply to RRafe)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Do you feel like your slaves/submissives tend to be.. - 10/1/2007 5:51:44 AM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		hon, love is not going to heal you.  If you really think you have mental health issues that serious, this is not the place to seek therapy.  Find a kink friendly therapist.
l

(in reply to hermione83)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Do you feel like your slaves/submissives tend to be.. - 10/1/2007 5:51:52 AM   
RRafe


Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hermione83

I've done therapy many times, actually.... I don't think anyone getting paid to listen can heal like love can... And besides that, I think the way someone thinks and their personality is just pretty much out of one's control. =\ I have tried to change my own thoughts, but it's like trying to change my heartbeat to me.


Not really.

I mananged to change mine-but I wanted to.

_____________________________

I seem to be some wierd combination of Ren and Stimpy

(in reply to hermione83)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Do you feel like your slaves/submissives tend to be.. - 10/1/2007 5:56:50 AM   
hermione83


Posts: 393
Joined: 8/1/2007
Status: offline 		I've heard of love healing =\. I don't think anything else can... RRafe, how did you do it? I want to, too..

(in reply to RRafe)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Do you feel like your slaves/submissives tend to be.. - 10/1/2007 5:58:43 AM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RRafe

quote:

ORIGINAL: hermione83

I've done therapy many times, actually.... I don't think anyone getting paid to listen can heal like love can... And besides that, I think the way someone thinks and their personality is just pretty much out of one's control. =\ I have tried to change my own thoughts, but it's like trying to change my heartbeat to me.


Not really.

I mananged to change mine-but I wanted to.


He's correct, you can definitely change your behaviors that are causing you distress and based on what you've said and your profile, you seem to have some serious self-deprecation going on.  This is not something a relationship fixes, therapy does.  I hope you don't find someone feeling as badly as you do about yourself right now, it's not likely to be a good experience.
l

(in reply to RRafe)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Do you feel like your slaves/submissives tend to be.. - 10/1/2007 5:59:06 AM   
RRafe


Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hermione83

I've heard of love healing =\. I don't think anything else can... RRafe, how did you do it? I want to, too..


Try as I might there was not a damned thing I could do. They just went deeper, the more I enabled it.

It was like sliding down a black hole of no return-I ran in the end, to save my own sanity.

Until YOU make the change-all you will do is to harm others.

_____________________________

I seem to be some wierd combination of Ren and Stimpy

(in reply to hermione83)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Do you feel like your slaves/submissives tend to be.. - 10/1/2007 6:02:22 AM   
hermione83


Posts: 393
Joined: 8/1/2007
Status: offline 		=\ You're probably right, I will just hurt people and should stay away from relationships I guess =\. I'm not strong enough to change or do anything to help myself, though. I started as a girl, and I've done worse each year...

(in reply to RRafe)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Do you feel like your slaves/submissives tend to be.. - 10/1/2007 6:03:32 AM   
RRafe


Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline 		You need outside help, from someone competent to do so.

A guy with a whip and a big ego is not gonna cut it.

_____________________________

I seem to be some wierd combination of Ren and Stimpy

(in reply to hermione83)
Profile   Post #: 20
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