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Its going wrong... - 10/1/2007 5:57:14 AM

submissfifi

Posts: 51
Joined: 9/30/2007
Status: offline

Hi, please I need some help and advice.

Life is a little hard at the moment in my personal/vanilla life, and I took some comfort in knowing that I had the comfort and support of my bdsm life too, only now thats not so. Top that with bad PMT, (and well maybe thats too much info) but it feels as if I'm not allowed to do anything, even having bad PMT.

Please tell me that some of you female subs have had bad PMT and said things that you probably shouldn't have to your doms? or anyone you care about? when your emotions run high you take it out on the people you care about most, I know I shouldn't but, its not easy to control.

Now I'm not allowed to contact my dom for two weeks, and if I do, all contact he has with me will stop, and it will end. He has said I have been abusive, although to some degree I probably have said things that I shouldn't have, and been rude, but the word abusive is a little strong. I knew this from the moment I said it, and although I was angry and hurt, I did eventually apologise. He has said it is an on going thing.

I suppose its because he has caught me off guard and my barriers where down. (I know I shouldn't have barriers) and I started to realise, scary that it is to me, that I really like him, even if I am an abusive sub. Regardless of kinky or vanilla relationships, I just don't let anyone get too close, I don't even let my family get close to me. So instead of being able to embrace this, I'm scared and I'm trying to fight it. Instead of telling him that he has really got to me, and how deeply I care for him, I'm rude and push him away. I really can't bare the thought of losing him either, and I feel I'm closing to letting this happen. Why can't I embrace this? Why can I just let him in? Why is it if I let him in, I worry he will reject me?

I find it hard to trust, to let my guard down, and to open up-all great things to have when wanting a bdsm relationship. Once I know this is happening, I'm quick to pull up the barriers and hide away. I'm gratefull that my dom has given me the space I need, which is part of this punishment, but just when I need him, I can't.

Now I feel really alone, and the one person who could really help me, has forbidden me to contact him.

Has anyone got some words of wisdom, or advice?

Post #: 1

RE: Its going wrong... - 10/1/2007 6:05:16 AM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

I'll bite, what is PMT?
l

(in reply to submissfifi)

Post #: 2

RE: Its going wrong... - 10/1/2007 6:16:08 AM

MissHarlet

Posts: 2728
Joined: 9/11/2005
From: El Paso , TX US
Status: offline

LOL I was going to ask the same thing ... but this begins to sound as if you might be a brat instead of submissive .. and that is a premature judgement I know ..... However ... if you cant abide by your Masters decision that you have no contact for whatever period of time .... you dont have much chance of success ....

If this is a medically based condition ... perhaps you should spend the two weeks finding out how to deal with it ... so you dont repeat the behaviour that got you to this point with your Master

_____________________________

Protectress of hearts/souls of all submissives calling Bounty's Place home, by order of Bounty~Proprietor

To be respected you must be respectful, to be loved you must be willing to love,
to be trusted you must be willing to trust.

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 3

RE: Its going wrong... - 10/1/2007 6:17:37 AM

submissfifi

Posts: 51
Joined: 9/30/2007
Status: offline

PMT as in Pre Menstural Tension. How you are emotionally a few days before your period and during your period? The hormonal imbalance inside you makes you react nasty, moody, weepy, angry etc. Have very little control over it, well unless you take supplements such as Starflower Oil or Evening Primrose Oil, which is not easy to find a non gelatin version of.

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 4

RE: Its going wrong... - 10/1/2007 6:21:02 AM

RRafe

Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline

Take into your core this simple truth.

Unkindness to others is to yourself, more than to them.

_____________________________

I seem to be some wierd combination of Ren and Stimpy

(in reply to submissfifi)

Post #: 5

RE: Its going wrong... - 10/1/2007 6:24:01 AM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

I'm not trying to poke fun, but at 41 I'm very familiar with hormonal changes and the effects and I have to tell you it only gets worse. Do I recognize my emotions are changing due to physiology? yes. Do I take it out on others? no. Don't perpetuate the male myth that women are bitchy because of PMS. We can control ourselves regardless of the changes we experience.
Try keeping a journal so you can recognize when that's what it is and know not to respond negatively. I think this may be bigger than PMT or PMS and you have a fear of true intimacy. The best way to deal with that is tell him, honestly, I'm afraid right now.
l

< Message edited by laurell3 -- 10/1/2007 6:25:22 AM >

(in reply to submissfifi)

Post #: 6

RE: Its going wrong... - 10/1/2007 6:24:10 AM

submissfifi

Posts: 51
Joined: 9/30/2007
Status: offline

Whilst I thank you all for your comments and taking the time to respond. It really baffles me why everyone is so quick to judge what you do as being a brat, rather than a fellow submissive who is struggling, hurting and feeling really crappy. Why in this bdsm world is it not ok for a sub to have a down day? Why is it always your a brat, no questions about how you've been treated by your dom, how they have made you feel, etc. I'm not looking for sympathy, I just don't understand why there isn't much support for submissives/slaves, after all we are the same kind of people. I personally find sometimes we lack the support we need from our dom/domme partners, and need to seek it elsewhere, like here.

(in reply to submissfifi)

Post #: 7

RE: Its going wrong... - 10/1/2007 6:26:58 AM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

" Regardless of kinky or vanilla relationships, I just don't let anyone get too close, I don't even let my family get close to me. So instead of being able to embrace this, I'm scared and I'm trying to fight it. Instead of telling him that he has really got to me, and how deeply I care for him, I'm rude and push him away. I really can't bare the thought of losing him either, and I feel I'm closing to letting this happen. Why can't I embrace this? Why can I just let him in? Why is it if I let him in, I worry he will reject me? "

This I think is your issue. This is what you should talk to him about.
l

(in reply to submissfifi)

Post #: 8

RE: Its going wrong... - 10/1/2007 6:29:00 AM

submissfifi

Posts: 51
Joined: 9/30/2007
Status: offline

I'm not saying its a male myth, or an excuse to be bitch, just that sometimes along side other personal things that are going on and the way you feel, can become too much and you take it out on people, sometimes we all crack under the pressure.

Although that is part of the problem here, its is not really what I'm mostly concerned about. I'm worried that I'm pushing my dom away, because I'm scared, and that my barriers are coming up, especially as for the first time I really feel like I've found someone who I can care about deeply and cherish.

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 9

RE: Its going wrong... - 10/1/2007 6:31:08 AM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

When the two weeks have passed, tell him that. Not PMS. Tell him you are afraid to be close, ask him to talk to you about it.

In the meantime, keep a journal, it helps to get you through the harder times and putting it down can give you insight into how to deal with it.

l

(in reply to submissfifi)

Post #: 10

RE: Its going wrong... - 10/1/2007 6:35:41 AM

RRafe

Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: submissfifi

I'm not saying its a male myth, or an excuse to be bitch, just that sometimes along side other personal things that are going on and the way you feel, can become too much and you take it out on people, sometimes we all crack under the pressure.

Although that is part of the problem here, its is not really what I'm mostly concerned about. I'm worried that I'm pushing my dom away, because I'm scared, and that my barriers are coming up, especially as for the first time I really feel like I've found someone who I can care about deeply and cherish.

This is going to be a tough one to take.

I've had to do it too... Risk being rejected.

Humble yourself and release your armor. Let him have some real access to the meat.

It shows trust.

It shows he matters enough....to make that sacrifice.

When you can let it go-you can let go of a lot of that negative stuff too.

_____________________________

I seem to be some wierd combination of Ren and Stimpy

(in reply to submissfifi)

Post #: 11

RE: Its going wrong... - 10/1/2007 6:41:34 AM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline

i dont think you are being attacked here, i think folks are simply asking you to really look at what you signed up for, and to make sure its a good fit with your abilities to take personal responsibility for your self and your own head space.

it sounds as though pmt has always been a get out jail free card, and its not working this time, one less place you have power where you are not used to not having power.

many of us have been there, and i agree it is really intense and really scary, and you will grow from navigating this experience.

so to iterate your should take responsibility for your behaviour no matter how your hormones are raging, thats not just being a good sub but a good human.

however to me you dominants behaviour raised a giant red flag.

he can abandon you so carelessly for two weeks tells me he is not as in vested in you as you are in him.

it tells me he does not have a lot of skill when it comes to navigating bumps in the road, and that he basically has not trained you well, and communication is not his strong suit.

this was an extreme punishment and i dont know what you could have done to warrant it....can you share more?

either way i really would look at this as a harbinger, a canary in a coal mine, is this how he operates every time you piss him off? is he typically an escape artist when things dont go his way, is this how he shows up for the people in his life?

ill bet if you ask old lovers, youll see a pattern....and hopefully youll have some clarity on what you are signing up for and weather after your two week punishment you will want to re-enlist.

_____________________________

Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."

(in reply to submissfifi)

Post #: 12

RE: Its going wrong... - 10/1/2007 6:53:36 AM

subconscious01

Posts: 1
Joined: 7/25/2007
Status: offline

Hang in there dear one.............. eat lots of licorice and drink lotsa green tea.
Regardless of what and why the reasons for this happened, it is now your duty to take care of yourself and show your willingness to submit by doing so.
It would please your Dom to know that you are being resposible and doing the right thing by yourself, for the sake of Him, for the sake of you, for the sake of...............
Blessings to you both.....
sc1

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 13

RE: Its going wrong... - 10/1/2007 6:57:22 AM

DMFParadox

Posts: 1405
Joined: 9/11/2007
Status: offline

I've had many things that shouldn't be said to me, said to me. And I've used the whole range of responses--arguing, ignoring, compromising, berating, waiting, and separating.

Life can suck and it's hard to not snap at people, sometimes. Here's the thing: Whether or not you were wrong in losing your temper depends on three scenarios(in my view--this isn't the Gospel, but it works for me.)

First, did he cross one of your known boundaries? If so, then he was wrong. And you were right in biting him. And he was right in punishing you; compromise will come later, first priority is maintaining his personal authority. When it's all said and done, if handled well--which it seems is happening--then the two of you will be closer than ever, you will fall more into your submissiveness, and he will have learned a thing about managing your pain with you, and for you. If you want to do the relationship good, you'll be as contrite as possible--even though it was his wrong. Give him the space to correct himself; if he does, you've got a winner, and you can close your eyes and trust that he'll guide you safely. If he doesn't, then you will be faced with the choice of trying to modify his behavior or leaving... and at that point, the fortune cookie runs out of ink. I'd have no idea what you should do, there are too many unknown variables.

Second scenario: it was entirely your fault (medical condition notwithstanding). This one's a baddie. If you snapped at him for stupid reasons, then from his perspective, he's lost control of you and it's entirely possible that he will not be able to keep a handle on you in the future. And if that's true--and again, if it's your fault--then you need to not be asking for us to sympathize with you, you need to tell him that this is something you feel you don't have control over, and that you need his help. This is one of the benefits of being a sub; if you've got a good top, then you can hand these problems over to him. Of course, he may hand it right back to you, with spines and a ribbon on it... but then if you fail again, it's on him. If you don't follow his direction, though, or ask for it, then it's your failure alone.

Third scenario: the PMT really is that bad. Not being female, I can't opine with as much authority as laurel--but I respectfully disagree with her. Every woman is wired differently. Very differently, in some cases. So I do believe it's possible that you really can't control yourself during those times. Again, hand the problem over to your Dom and ask for a creative solution. Don't use it as an excuse to be catty without warning; that's pretty lame, actually, something I used to call "chick logic." Use it as an offering to him, a part of you that you're unhappy with and that you're willing to do whatever he asks you, within your capabilities, to mute it or to provide better ways of letting it out.

_____________________________

bloody hell, get me some aspirin and a whiskey straight

"The role of gender in society is the most complicated thing I’ve ever spent a lot of time learning about, and I’ve spent a lot of time learning about quantum mechanics." - Randall Munroe

(in reply to submissfifi)

Post #: 14

RE: Its going wrong... - 10/1/2007 7:01:03 AM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

You seem to miss this point:

"Although that is part of the problem here, its is not really what I'm mostly concerned about. I'm worried that I'm pushing my dom away, because I'm scared, and that my barriers are coming up, especially as for the first time I really feel like I've found someone who I can care about deeply and cherish. "

By her own admission the issue is intimacy, not PMS.
l

(in reply to DMFParadox)

Post #: 15

RE: Its going wrong... - 10/1/2007 7:03:24 AM

RRafe

Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

You seem to miss this point:

"Although that is part of the problem here, its is not really what I'm mostly concerned about. I'm worried that I'm pushing my dom away, because I'm scared, and that my barriers are coming up, especially as for the first time I really feel like I've found someone who I can care about deeply and cherish. "

By her own admission the issue is intimacy, not PMS.
l

Yes, her defense reflexes are hamstringing her.

_____________________________

I seem to be some wierd combination of Ren and Stimpy

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 16

RE: Its going wrong... - 10/1/2007 9:16:04 AM

SayaNereida

Posts: 152
Joined: 7/10/2007
Status: offline

submissfifi,

You are not the only one to ‘suffer’ from PTM or whatever someone wants to call it. And it is difficult on those around you, more so than yourself, because truth be told, after an outburst YOU feel fine and cannot understand why they do not.

I understand, I ‘suffered’ as well for years. My ex will tell you, it was awful for EVERYONE in my home.

One day in particular stands out for me:
The ex and I were sitting on the couch and I was looking at him smiling and thinking to myself ‘I’m so happy and I love him’. He caught the smile on my face and asked what I was thinking. I opened my mouth to say the thoughts I had but instead said, “you are such an ass and I’m absolutely miserable’.

Ok, have to pause here to say I started then to think I had personality disorder or something.

Aside from looking at and working mentally/emotionally on yourself, there are things you can do; balance your diet (avoid or at least limit chocolate, caffeine, breads and pasta, alcohol…I’m sure there are more but those are the ones I remember my doctor talking about), increase your water intake, find a vitamin/mineral combo that helps (it depends on your deficiencies and may change as your system balances), pay attention to the ‘moods’ when they happen and see what you have been eating and lessen or avoid consuming that food, there are herbs out there that can help, and if you are so inclined meditation or yoga (quiet time to listen to your own body, mind and soul).

*Oh and as a choco-holic after eliminating it for a time, I have been able to eat it again, although sparingly and definitely NOT right before my cycle…unless I warn people around me.

A side note: it turns out the ex really WAS/IS an ass but that’s another story all together. J

Hope this helps.
Saya

PS. The discovery I made searching myself, even though I thought I was happy and should have been; I wasn't. Once I could finally admit that, I figured out why and worked on making myself happy. For me, that was some drastic changes, some I planned and a few I didn't. However, I can honestly say now that I am happy, with me, and my life.

(in reply to submissfifi)

Post #: 17

RE: Its going wrong... - 10/1/2007 9:50:26 AM

subsfaith

Posts: 297
Joined: 11/21/2006
Status: offline

Hello everyone.

I too am a sufferer of PMT. It comes is differing levels. One can never tell where one is at and it can change in a moment. The lowers levels are where I realise what I am doing, and I can stop myself, the higher levels, well there is no stopping me, and I am not really conscious of what I am doing. So I do empathise, however, I still do not see it as a good excuse for rudeness, snappishness, or bad manners, in anyone, and I don't always manage to curb my errant behaviour. I have found that Vitamin B6 does help alleviate some of my symptoms, but it did take a while to find the right dosage.

I think for the next couple of weeks it would be productive to find coping strategies for dangerous times. One way would be to find a female submissive mentor, someone you can talk to, vent at, a good girlfriend would be able to help you with this also.

You clearly have some other issues added in to this, so perhaps it might be an idea to start working on those too. It is hard when you are used to erecting barriers around you, but when stepping into this lifestyle, you were obviously aware that you need to get rid of them and open up to someone. Perhaps, when your time is up, you can speak to your Sir about this type of punishment? It strikes me, that for one with insecurity issues, that this kind of rejection punishment is completely unsuitable, and perhaps there is a more effective method of correction available.

Perhaps time is the key, maybe it would be appropriate for things to go a little more slowly in your relationship, allowing trust and openness to build more gradually, than the forced effort that I suspect is happening now.

All food for thought. I wish you well in your journey.

Faith

:: smiles ::

(in reply to submissfifi)

Post #: 18

RE: Its going wrong... - 10/1/2007 10:53:09 AM

nyrisa

Posts: 1830
Joined: 11/20/2006
Status: offline

I really agree with most of what has been said. And the greater issue may be your fears of intimacy and vulnerability, but that is not even going to be an issue in "this" relationship if you can't mend the fences that are already broken. If this man has been good and understanding and supportive of you up until this last blow-up, then it sounds as if you think he is worth working to keep. A two week cooling off period is really not a bad idea. It will give you both time to cool down, and think about your relationship, and decide if it is worth putting further time and energy into.

quote:

Now I'm not allowed to contact my dom for two weeks, and if I do, all contact he has with me will stop, and it will end. He has said I have been abusive, although to some degree I probably have said things that I shouldn't have, and been rude, but the word abusive is a little strong. I knew this from the moment I said it, and although I was angry and hurt, I did eventually apologise. He has said it is an on going thing.

The fact that he terms your behavior towards him as abusive, is a huge red flag about whether he is going to want to continue the relationship. A psychiatrist told me that any behavior, done to you without your consent, that causes you mental or physical harm, is abuse. He is no more required to tolerate abuse than you are.

From what you say, outbursts of this nature are not a new problem for you. Plus, you said that life in general has been hard for you lately. The very best advice I can give you now is to seek a medical evaluation, and also discuss your emotional issues with a professional. Get in to be seen as soon as possible. Formulate a way to deal with these stresses that does NOT involve hurtful behavior to those closest to you. Seek out a support group for sufferers of PMT, but also be aware that your purpose should be to recognize when the symptoms are occuring, and PREVENT outbursts.

I wish you the best of luck.

_____________________________

A true lady takes off her dignity with her clothes and does her whorish best. At other times you can be as modest and dignified as your persona requires. Robert Heinlein

The last thing I want to do is hurt you...but it is still on my list.

(in reply to submissfifi)

Post #: 19

RE: Its going wrong... - 10/1/2007 7:23:32 PM

ThinkingKitten

Posts: 447
Joined: 6/15/2006
From: Ontari-ari-o
Status: offline

If the PMS/PMT is disrupting your life in many other ways... i.e. affecting your relationships with people other than your Dom too, then you need to deal with it. Hormone therapy can sometimes help, or if you want a more natural approach then go and see a Naturopathic doctor. They have a regimen that revolves around plant estrogen and essential fatty acid ingesting (basically something as simple as soy milk, and flax or evening-primrose oil capsules) that you take on a planned schedule to co-incide with your cycle. It can take a few months to kick in though.

I'd also say that until you can get control of IT, rather than it having control of YOU, then you should ask to limit your contact with him during the time at which you are likely to be a bit "unhinged".

There is also the old adage "make sure your brain is engaged before putting your mouth into gear". Slow down and think before you speak. For the other issues you have about getting too close to someone, then you should probably find a therapist to help. Find a kink-friendly one if you need to discuss the BDSM aspects, or a regular one if the issues seem to be basically the same as you would have in a vanilla relationship. Just don't get dependent on the therapist! He may be prepared to give you some slack, if you show that you are taking serious steps to address your behaviour. Good luck.

_____________________________

Thinking Kitten

If you can't stand the heat... tell the chef to get out of the kitchen.

(in reply to submissfifi)

Post #: 20

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