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RE: The Friendship Factor - 10/2/2007 8:39:02 PM

cloudboy

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I thought you liked a rhetorical kick-boxer type with an off kilter sense of humor and a dash of irreverence.

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RE: The Friendship Factor - 10/2/2007 8:59:18 PM

ocilla

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YES the person needs to be good friend material. I am feeling a little low cause in fact as I was embarking on my exploration I was getting impatient and let myself be convinced in taking a play partner who is someone I could like ok as an aquantance but as friend material he did not cut it...so I am kicking myself for letting this be my first BDSM experience and for not getting real about it for 6 months. I geuss this is part of why dommes of expereience seem to have such high impenetrable walls for subs to surmount.

So yeah, I need to have a certain level of trust and emotional saftey...I need my sub to care what I am feeling, to be interested in me beyond playtime and to find me attractive. These are things present in all my friendships - with both men, women and family as well. I am an intimate person...casual without caring does not work for me at all.

< Message edited by ocilla -- 10/2/2007 9:03:18 PM >

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RE: The Friendship Factor - 10/2/2007 8:59:31 PM

adoracat

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Sir approacched me in friendship first....i was talking with another dominant at the time, and i thought it was going somewhere with him....it didnt, due to other life issues he was having at the time. i absolutely agree that friendship comes first....sooner or later you're going to have to talk to the other person, no matter how good they are in bed (or the dungeon).

Sir and i interact mostly online, because we're at a bit of a distance...we talk about a great number of things, and we talk about a great number of things when we are together. the scening/sex/playtime is wonderful, but so is the talking.

kitten, who likes her Sir as well as loves him.

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RE: The Friendship Factor - 10/2/2007 10:01:54 PM

marieToo

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

The reason this came up as a topic to Me was that, on the thread where this idea sprang from, the idea of being considered a friend was like the kiss of death to developing a stronger BDSM type of situation. I'm wondering if submissives really feel that is the case?

I do.

I mean, I personally have never had a "friend" strip me of my defenses and shamelessly help themselves to what was underneath.

To me, friendship is first and foremost a relationship of equality, ds is not. That's where the line is for me. This doesn't mean that care isn't present, or that 'like' or 'love' isn't present, or that an emotional bond and a substantial connection isn't occuring in a bdsm relationship, it simply means that some people define their ds as a completely different animal, separate and apart from "friendship", even though the two types of relationships may have some common components.

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RE: The Friendship Factor - 10/2/2007 10:15:19 PM

aidan

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

I'm glad folks are enjoying the thread and the thought of friendship in relationships is more common than I had originally feared out there. Like some others have said, I just couldn't see building something 'more' with someone that I didn't especially care for, or lke. Kind of like that 'Friends With Benefits' thread that was going around for a while. The sex might be really great with a person, but what the heck would you talk about afterwards?

More sex? ;)

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RE: The Friendship Factor - 10/2/2007 10:52:05 PM

dragonslave77

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Interesting question, truly, especially because of the situation I have with my Mistress. We honestly started out primarily as friends, and the BDSM aspects came later. Its been a bit of a double edged sword for our relationship.

The depth and quality of our friendship has certainly made for a very strong bond between us. The trust I have in Her is immeasurable. We have shared some very profound BDSM experiences, ones I cannot imagine being able to share with anyone else. I so enjoy being able to fully let go, knowing She is there, and will keep me safe. And having her in my life, outside of BDSM has brought so very many positives into my life, if I listed them all here, this post would be pages long. Those positives started and arose from our friendship, before she was officially my Mistress, and now they continue, perhaps even more so as she has greater control than previous. Aside from all this, bottom line, I enjoy spending time with Her as friends, just talking and being with each other.

That being said, I also think that sometimes our BDSM suffers somewhat, because neither of us wants to risk our deep friendship. That is something we both are conscious of, and something we are working on as well.

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RE: The Friendship Factor - 10/2/2007 11:08:29 PM

littlesarbonn

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

The reason this came up as a topic to Me was that, on the thread where this idea sprang from, the idea of being considered a friend was like the kiss of death to developing a stronger BDSM type of situation. I'm wondering if submissives really feel that is the case?

I weigh in with the crowd that feels it is this way. My friendships with women remain friendships, and no matter how much I've wanted something otherwise, I've never succeeded in taking a friendship to a bdsm level. Maybe it's me. Maybe it's something I have yet to figure out, but it just never happens. On the other hand, bdsm relationships I've been in have turned into friendships, and sometimes they've skirted going back to where they were before, but from the start of a friendship, I've never been that lucky to have it become anything other than a friendship.

Part of me thinks it's more to do with women being comfortable getting pretty much everything from me as a friend that they could get in a relationship, because I put it all out there. If I had been smarter in the past, I would have kept friends in a standoffish capacity, and maybe something would have happened. But I wasn't always the smartest person I could be, especially when it comes to relationships.

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RE: The Friendship Factor - 10/2/2007 11:39:04 PM

RumpusParable

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I've no one currently to reference, so will speak on the past and future...

The answer for me is both yes and no. It really has always depended on what sort of relationship, if any, we had before we enterred into PE and what sort of D/s relationship we have.

Some were friends to begin with and we naturally fell into D/s, others have been those that I liked spending time with in both ways, so "yes" in those two ways.

A few have been ones where "no", there hasn't been a friendship factor and I never spent time with them in that way. When that was the case, we were together because we were a good match to meet certain specific desires of the other's.

We would meet up, spend time expressing the parts of us that wanted out for a while, then we'd part ways until the next time. Neither was particularly looking for friendship...

In fact, I normally don't look for friendship in most of my D/s relationships. I'm not unhappy if I find it but that's not what I'm looking for. There's a coldness in my domination, in myself, that is part of why I pursue this lifestyle and seek those who fit with that. I can enjoy emotionally warm domination but I still have that other part of myself that craves expression.

I'd still call them "good acquaintances" or "friends", but they aren't someone I'd sit down and have a coffee chat with.

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RE: The Friendship Factor - 10/3/2007 12:06:43 AM

KiandPhoenix

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I know I posted this once tonight already. Phoenix is first my friend, then my lover/partner/mate and last my sub. I think any good relationship is based on friendship reguardless of relationship type.

~Ki

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RE: The Friendship Factor - 10/3/2007 6:26:54 AM

LadyPact

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I want to thank everyone again for participating in the thread and sharing the different views.

<Mini hijack inserted here> Rumpus, I hope I'll be seing you this evening!

Having read some of the additional responses, I'm wondering if I may have two different catagories working at the same time. Those two things being the difference between is there friendship in the D/s relationship and the slight variation of is the other half of your D/s the type of person you'd want as a friend. Obviously, there is a difference in the two, as some of the responses are showing.

Not to make you feel singled out, littlesarbonn, but a seperate question for you, if you wouldn't mind? From what I've gathered from the little I've gotten to know from the boards, do you think there might be a difference because you are more a service submissive. I'm just wondering if that plays into your answer at all?

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RE: The Friendship Factor - 10/3/2007 8:45:29 AM

RumpusParable

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Eeep, I thought it was tomorrow... is there something tonight, too, that I'm forgetting?!

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RE: The Friendship Factor - 10/3/2007 8:48:19 AM

LadyPact

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Let Me double check My email archive. I thought it was tonight.

Edited to add...... Ack! You're right. It is tomorrow. Well, see you then!

< Message edited by LadyPact -- 10/3/2007 8:49:40 AM >

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RE: The Friendship Factor - 10/3/2007 9:00:12 AM

RumpusParable

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Phwoo! Am glad we're talking about the same event, then! Looking forward to seeing you, too! :)

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RE: The Friendship Factor - 10/3/2007 9:12:34 AM

LadyPact

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Cool. My clip and I will see you there!

<End mini hijack>

We now return you to your regularly scheduled thread.

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Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

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RE: The Friendship Factor - 10/3/2007 4:18:48 PM

LPslittleclip

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im a submissive and im still fairly new in the lifestyle. ive played with those who only wanted to play nothing more, those were fun at the time but not fulfiling. i truly enjoy being a freind to my owner it makes the relationship more than just a scene in a dark room somewhere. as a freind just being with them is very enjoyable and i find the play much more intense for it.

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RE: The Friendship Factor - 10/3/2007 4:31:36 PM

Politesub53

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For play at a club i would at least have to respect the person. For long term then friends would be best, although a relationship would be better. i feel i can give more of myself in those circumstances.

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RE: The Friendship Factor - 10/3/2007 4:38:46 PM

MIstrezzTanya

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Depends on how intimate I want the relationship to be.

If Im in the mood to spank. then THATS what I'm in the mood for. I have yet to meet an ass I'd make my friend...lol

I am kidding. One of my favorite kinks is humilation. I find it much easier and personal to humiliate, when I know your quirks.
besides.. I like to talk.

SOMETIMES.

I will say this. My personality is VERY disarming. I am a smiling Dominant.. even when Im at my most sadistic. I smile.

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RE: The Friendship Factor - 10/3/2007 7:34:50 PM

LadyHibiscus

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When I first saw this thread, I thought I had a simple answer, but after reading the posts, not so much.

I have to like the folks I play with, on some level. That was true even in my professional work, if I didn't feel a click with that person, then I recommended him to someone else. (The one time I didn't listen to my instinct resulting in the crappiest scene EVAR). But just because I like someone, does that mean we are friends? I don't think so.

I have friends that I love very much, that I play with, who are in the scene, but with whom I share other interests. They're all women. I have men in the scene that I play with, and that I can certainly carry on conversations with, or maybe do something social with, but are they "friends"? No. For me, men are just not more than "buddy" material most of the time, and I believe that the play factor is part of it for me. I love playing with women, but I don't do any kind of power exchange with women---who I view as my sister/equals---outside the confines of a scene. Men, who are lower than me on the chain of command, are not going to get that close to ME, it's me that is going to be their confidant, their leader, their dominant. I encourage males to open up to me, but it's largely a one way street.

I can't honestly say that I think being friends would spoil a d/s relationship. I certainly do not look down on any submissive or fetishist, no matter how icky or unusual their fetish might be to me, with the normal exceptions. I have no trouble "objectifying" the friends I play with in extreme scenes. I just don't look for traditional friendship in my play relationships.

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RE: The Friendship Factor - 10/3/2007 8:12:42 PM

MaamJay

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I can do casual play without someone being elevated to the status of "friend" ... though I have to at least like them and click with them on some level. However for a "keeper" then they have to be in sync enough to get to friend level. Master and i are great friends as well as lovers, partners, music-makers etc etc! My girl and I discussed from the start, that if the D/s between U/us didn't work out for some reason, W/we would remain friends as W/we clicked so well right away. A number of My previous play subs would still be at the friend level, though most are about 5000km away now! Gosh, even My ex-husbands are both still friends, one I parted from 16 years ago! I tend to keep My friends!

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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RE: The Friendship Factor - 10/4/2007 8:31:04 AM

LadyPact

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The various answers that have come up here have been very interesting. I want to thank everyone for their input. I definitely see the differences that folks are making between casual play and longer standing D/s dynamics.

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