The Friendship Factor (Full Version)

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LadyPact -> The Friendship Factor (10/2/2007 9:24:44 AM)

Of course, this was brought on by another post.  I didn't want to hijack the other thread or confuse the other issue in anyway, so I thought I'd bring up something that caused Me a moment of thought.
 
Basically, My question is this:  Is the 'friendship factor' involved in the BDSM dynamic you have created with your submissive?  In other words, would you think of your submissive as a person you would have as a friend if the BDSM element did not exist?  Do you think you would still want that person in your life if the scening, service, and other elements weren't involved?  If your submissive isn't the type of person who would have made good friendship material, what drew you to chosing him instead?
 
I'm sure I'll have more to say on the topic than just these few comments, but here is where I will start.  My current submissive is certainly the type of person I would enjoy having in My life, even if he wasn't My boy.  I enjoy talking to him.  He has a good personality, fine sense of humor, and other character traits that I appreciate in those that I chose to have in My life.  Part of it is that he is an interesting person, and not just a submissive.
 
I'd really like to hear some thoughts on the subject.
 
My thanks in advance for any who are willing to take the time to participate.



AFlyInYourWeb -> RE: The Friendship Factor (10/2/2007 10:12:25 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Basically, My question is this:  Is the 'friendship factor' involved in the BDSM dynamic you have created with your submissive?  In other words, would you think of your submissive as a person you would have as a friend if the BDSM element did not exist? 


I think that the "friendship factor" you described should be present in any intimate relationship between any two people, with or without a D/s or BDSM dynamic involved.

In most significant relationships, more time is spent hanging out together than playing.  What a dreary life it would be to spend all that time together with someone unless I liked them, respected them, trusted them, was amusing to them and amused by them...in short, friends.



Najakcharmer -> RE: The Friendship Factor (10/2/2007 10:17:24 AM)

Very simple.  Friends first is my non negotiable hard limit filter.  If I can't enjoy someone's company outside of scene, I'm not going to enjoy it in scene either, and I sure as hell don't want to be in any kind of relationship with them including a D/s one. 

99% of subs who email me don't get this and start off by offering sex or submission even though it says in my profile that I don't do things that way.  The few who actually read the profile and contact me to talk about mutual real life interests in a friendly way are the ones who get somewhere.  You'd think it would be easy and obvious, but apparently it's not. 



Unrepentant1 -> RE: The Friendship Factor (10/2/2007 10:51:22 AM)

I think for any relationship to work, you should also view them as your friend, if not your best friend. I see no reason why bdsm should change that view.



Switchsubcouple -> RE: The Friendship Factor (10/2/2007 11:04:46 AM)

it is very difficult for me to feel that submissive click with out the friendship factor present in the relationship.  it loses something without it.



MistressDolly -> RE: The Friendship Factor (10/2/2007 11:09:23 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

.
 
Basically, My question is this:  Is the 'friendship factor' involved in the BDSM dynamic you have created with your submissive?  In other words, would you think of your submissive as a person you would have as a friend if the BDSM element did not exist?  Do you think you would still want that person in your life if the scening, service, and other elements weren't involved?  If your submissive isn't the type of person who would have made good friendship material, what drew you to chosing him instead?
 


I suppose it all depends on where your interests in a submissive lies. 

If you want to use a willing submissive for sadistic or financial purposes, it's not always necessary  to have that friendship factor present or even to "like" him/her to any significant degree. 

On the other hand, if your interest lies in finding a submissive for intimacy, romantic or friendship purposes, you would most likely look for that friendship factor.  



LadyPact -> RE: The Friendship Factor (10/2/2007 11:45:15 AM)

The reason this came up as a topic to Me was that, on the thread where this idea sprang from, the idea of being considered a friend was like the kiss of death to developing a stronger BDSM type of situation.  I'm wondering if submissives really feel that is the case? 
 
On My own level, I'm more comfortable with wiitwd if I'm in a casual play scene and the other person is, in fact, a friend.  I find the connection is better.  From a friendship standpoint, it's easier to talk about limits, compatibilites, and so on.  It makes for negotiations more relaxed.
 
Maybe I pinpointed the question to the wrong half of the equation.  I am interested in hearing both sides.  

Dolly, I do understand what you are saying, and I'm sure that in the financial realm, that is certainly true.  If I was just out for someone's money, no, I don't think it would matter much.  I'm sure it would spend the same whether I honestly liked that submissive or not.  As long as the money kept rolling in, I'm sure it wouldn't matter much.
 
As for the sadistic mention, I'm not so sure about that one.  In general, I tend to like the people I beat.   [:D]



Novice1954 -> RE: The Friendship Factor (10/2/2007 11:50:30 AM)

you know what a friend is?? really??



Lashra -> RE: The Friendship Factor (10/2/2007 12:11:41 PM)

My submale was my friend before we moved into a relationship. So for me in order to take someone on as a sub, they have be a friend first. For me that is a way of establishing trust and the D/s that comes later only deepens that trust.
So without a doubt my sub is my best friend.

~Lashra



SunNMoon -> RE: The Friendship Factor (10/2/2007 12:45:26 PM)

I need there to be friendship in any relationship dynamic (not counting school or work). I think of my (future) submissive as my friend, partner, then as a submissive. I would hope that this is a person that I would want around any ways.
 
For me to have a stronger BDSM relationship there would have to be friendship which would be leading to love. It’s the person is the most important part the BDSM is just the icing on the cake.  



MsLilac -> RE: The Friendship Factor (10/2/2007 12:55:13 PM)

 
For me, most definitely friendship first.

Both of my subs started off as friends, particularly so with my second sub. They are both my best friends. I couldn’t imagine the possibility of not having that friendship as a mutual basis for any kind of relationship.



LadyPact -> RE: The Friendship Factor (10/2/2007 1:05:08 PM)

(Oh, the awaiting approval thing should be good, since I'm sure it stems from My oh, so unique way of telling one I wasn't in the mood to be their wank fodder today.)

Edit to add, you know, I changed My dang tag line, and now I keep forgetting to add it to My posts.



thetammyjo -> RE: The Friendship Factor (10/2/2007 1:26:49 PM)

Could I be friends with Fox? Certainly because we have enough other common interests.

However we would never had been lovers and he would never be living with us if it was not for the Ds that our relationship is founded upon.



beeble -> RE: The Friendship Factor (10/2/2007 1:46:46 PM)

I couldn't submit to my Mistress (online only, since we live on different continents) in the way that I do if I didn't know that she cared deeply about me.  So, for me, the friendship aspect is crucial (well, for anything that's going to last more than an evening).



LadyPact -> RE: The Friendship Factor (10/2/2007 1:57:37 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Novice1954

you know what a friend is?? really??


Yes, but no where in My definition does every tom, dick, and harry who wants to talk about his fanatsies that enters My mailbox come into it. 



pixelslave -> RE: The Friendship Factor (10/2/2007 2:40:59 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

The reason this came up as a topic to Me was that, on the thread where this idea sprang from, the idea of being considered a friend was like the kiss of death to developing a stronger BDSM type of situation.  I'm wondering if submissives really feel that is the case?  
 


I don't feel that way at all!  In my original profile I wrote here and the one I had on ALT, I believe I stated that I needed time to get to know a woman and that it would be well worth the wait.  I still feel the same and believe others make a big mistake when they don't take the time to establish a friendship along with compatibility of interests and personalities before they complicate things with a D/s dynamic and play.  To me, not having the friendship first, would be the kiss of death for two people looking for a LTR that is expected to be D/s based! [&:]
 
 - pixel



YesMistressIrish -> RE: The Friendship Factor (10/2/2007 4:12:23 PM)

*waves Hi to Lady Pact*
Thanks for this great thread LP.
 
My subs are my friends, or they don't get close enough to play. That includes pain sluts. I live for D/s and that means relationships where we laugh, talk, and have vanilla and bdsm hobbies and viewpoints in common.
 
Club play: new person subbing to me that might or might not become a friend in the future. Although for me there has to be a certain chemistry; even out in public for the first time.
 
Irish



yourgrrl -> RE: The Friendship Factor (10/2/2007 5:05:50 PM)

interesting topic , i think that the important and safe way to look for a partner, whether it be a play partner or a live in situation is learn first if You are compatable as friends. i am looking for a person that will be a friend first and hopefully with much correspondence and communication we learn about one another. She and i ask questions about each other and grow to learn first, if that doesn't turn out to be anything more than that , then we have both found a friend. i know that She is out there , but if She is not a friend first i believe the relationship is not going to work.



aidan -> RE: The Friendship Factor (10/2/2007 5:21:37 PM)

Good topic, Lady Pact :)

Friendship is important for me. I can't imagine spending time alone with somebody who I didn't like, didn't find funny, didn't enjoy swapping small talk and silly conversation with, let alone letting them see me naked and touch me.

All the people I play with casually are my friends. I'm not above letting somebody I meet at the club spank me, but it's rare (read: once) that anything else more intimate will happen unless we get to know each other.



LadyPact -> RE: The Friendship Factor (10/2/2007 8:05:08 PM)

I'm glad folks are enjoying the thread and the thought of friendship in relationships is more common than I had originally feared out there.  Like some others have said, I just couldn't see building something 'more' with someone that I didn't especially care for, or lke.  Kind of like that 'Friends With Benefits' thread that was going around for a while.  The sex might be really great with a person, but what the heck would you talk about afterwards?



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