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RE: Abuse disguised as Dominance - 7/26/2005 12:09:00 PM

mossy

Posts: 189
Joined: 2/21/2005
Status: offline

i have a Dr. appt. and i must run out, i will post more later. Phoenixandnika.... i must strongly disagree with your statement as you knew some would. And not in an angry way, but in a hurt way, for i have been there on both sides.... therefore i know exactly the differences they present. There are many similarities,Yes i do agree,,,but!!! the differences....are very intense and impotant to look at, for they make adifference in how we approach this topic.
Sorry but for an hour, and i will return, but i just had to get that out for now. my apologies.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The reality as I stated in my original post. Abuse happens in every facet of society. We in the lifestyle are not special when it comes to abuse or horror stories. ~~~~~~~~~~~
No we are not special...in the fact that it happens here too, it is How, it Begins, Continues,
the Effects on the slave/sub/, Why it more Insidious here, Harder to Spot, Subs/slaves may be more easily victimized, i will explain why, please don't jump all over me till You know why i said this. And THE AFTERMATH. All of these things ARE different. Is the abuse different? NO! Are we special? No! But we all freely admit our Lifestyle is different,,,,,why have so much trouble admitting that the abuse affects us differently?

_____________________________

~~inner peace & mental clarity~~

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 21

RE: Abuse disguised as Dominance - 7/26/2005 2:20:28 PM

anopheles

Posts: 241
Joined: 6/23/2005
Status: offline

It's unfortunate, but subbies have to be keen and watch out for abuse. There are a lot of "Doms" that look to BDSM as a way to sanction truly abusive behaviors. A good Dom won't take you in and demand 100% complaince right away. Abusers typically want "100% strict obedience and control" quickly, usually within a few weeks or months of meeting you. Abusers tend to rush into relationships with people, because their mentality demands that they corner and conquer as soon as possible. Also, abusers are emotionally unavailable. As a dominant, when I spank my subbie, I feel it to my core, I might feel it more than she does..... Abusers feel nothing. There are lots of websites that detail the patterns and characteristics of abusers in great detail. There are probably posts here that talk about these aspects to. Definitely listen, because most people talk about abuse from experience...

(in reply to mossy)

Post #: 22

RE: Abuse disguised as Dominance - 7/26/2005 2:28:07 PM

softandshy

Posts: 297
Joined: 5/10/2005
Status: offline

Frankly, BeachMystress, even a newbie should know better than to use a word like abuse if speaking about BDSM, and i hope that the moderators have noticed your post and contacted you about this person. It's a hot word, and if you're dim enough to use it in reference to a consensual lifestyle your profile should be struck at least until you've learned better. If you are abusive, you should probably be shot. i am speaking with the general "you" here. Saying that, i know i'm going to be flamed for generalizing, but this issue is a major one for me. i can, however, tell you some of the reasons why a person might not be eager to press charges. i was in an abusive relationship long before i came to BDSM.

People often fear their abusers (as MistressPassion said), and it can be with darn good reason. With the advent of the Internet, it became relatively simple to trace almost anyone, and retribution is a concern.

Extended trials, particularly if there are children involved, can be horribly painful for everyone.

In most of these cases, the judicial system is very ineffective and most people are aware they will be left unprotected.

People can actually be trained out of the normal self-protective response during an abusive relationship.

People may avoid prosecution to protect family members who may fall subject to retribution.

Blame is often placed, subconsciously, on the recipient of abuse, even by the recipient him/herself.

< Message edited by softandshy -- 7/26/2005 3:33:25 PM >

_____________________________

Happy "Swamp Thing"

(in reply to mossy)

Post #: 23

RE: Abuse disguised as Dominance - 7/26/2005 4:19:40 PM

mossy

Posts: 189
Joined: 2/21/2005
Status: offline

Thank You Bear for that i will try:). i have been badly neglacted and mistreated both in the Lifestyle of Total Power Exchange and out. They were certainly different for me, this girl. Now if that was because my mistreatment was Emotional/Mental? as opposed to Physical? i can not speak for others, my guess would be Yes. To a large degree...then only Perhaps. In the very beginning of this thread....i do not know how many peeked at the Site Listed by Beach Mistress,,,but i read the entire thing with utter facination. \/
\/
"The Difference between BDSM and Abuse" the site is listed in Beach Mistresses' post at top of thread definately worth a read.........
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

quote:

Kindred2Evil : You are told over and over and over and over again how worthless/ugly/nasty/unneeded etc . This breaks you down mentally I was TERRIFIED. This man had taken my self esteem, he had crippled me mentally, emotionally and wounded me physically for so long that I lived in utter fear of what he would do next. It takes a lot and I mean ALOT of strength just to leave the situation. The last thing you want to do is face this person yet again. Most abusers are smooth talkers..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

quote:

Phoenixandnika : I do not think that submissives / slaves are any more vulnerable than a domiante when it comes to the possiblity of abuse. Nor, do I think that being involved within the lfiestyle opens the door for abuse anymore than being involved in a vanilla relationship.
The reality is abusers do exist in every group weither relitions, social, economic, or lifestyle. If someone openly admits they have lost control and become abusive, in ways I think they have taken the 1st of many steps to helping themselves. However, until you are in place of controling yourself where you do not become abusive why get involved in a relationship weither lifestyle or nilla? Seek counseling, seek anger management but in my opinion seeking a new partner is dangerous to you and them. My other question is who intheir right mind would seek someoen out who is openly abusive? Since when did dominace become about abuse? Pushing limits, yes. Punishments, at times. But all out abuse wheither mental or physical, bah! That is not what this lifestyle is about at least not in my mind.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

quote:

ElecktraUkM : I too survived an abusive relationship, and it's true... unless you've been there, you have no concept of how one human being can twist the mind of another until they are completely incapable of making a decision in their own best interests.

The thing is, you don't start out hating yourself, you start out maybe being a little too easy-going, a little uncertain of things, a little too eager to please. Exposed to the wrong person, you can become road kill in a matter of months. These people are out there, and its no fun being sucked into their version of reality

.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

quote:

Phoenixandnika : The reality as I stated in my original post. Abuse happens in every facet of society. We in the lifestyle are not special when it comes to abuse or horror stories. I am sorry for what those who have been abused have been through both dominates and submissive / slaves.

.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i met a guy once, only to find out he used the lifestyle to feed his rape fetish.
i looked him up in the court system only to find out he'd been in jail for rape.

he definately used his rape fetish disguised in dominance.

~~shy ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i Sincerely Hope the ladies here did not mind me using their words to make a point.
my point is to Help Us all, not better me, or make me look smarter,,,,heaven knows!!!
i am a 49 year old slave woman that allowed myself to get drawn into one of these situations for 3 1/2 years or more. While on the subject, quickly, to illustrate the power of some of what we are speaking of here??? Three years online, was to me, affected me, as ElektraUkM spoke of, my mind was twisted so, my decisions were not my own, my stress level was so high i could not think clearly,,,,,that!!! was the perfect breeding ground, for deception, i later discovered. Cut me off from my Mentor, my friends, tell me i am too close to my adult child, so i start to withdraw. Everything i do, everything i am to think of is preparing my life to be with this person. For 3 years, i was not here? i was there, already in my mind and heart and soul. Following orders like a good little soldier. If i made a mistake, then i would lose everything, i would not be going there, and this person was going away for good, i walked around in constant fear. Constant threats, taunts, i am not good enough make it they should have know better. i am no slave. i'll never make it.
i did everything i was told and more but it was never enough, why didn't i go the extra mile without being told.??? Because when i did i got yelled at!!! For cying out loud give me directions,,,tell me what to do,,,if i do this,,it is wrong, if i do that it is wrong!!!! i felt like i was going crazy.
NOW EVERYONE THAT SAYS ABUSE IS ABUSE LISTEN CLOSELY TO WHAT I AM DESCRIBING. Does this sound vanilla to You and if it does that is ok...NOW ADD THE WHIPPING AND THE CANING, AND THE YELLING, AND THE SLAPS ACROSS THE FACE
ALL DONE IN THE NAME OF BSDM. BUT REALLY OUT OF ANGER. Then add in a healthy dose of humiliation and degredation also done in the name of bdsm.
Add to that the slave/sumbissives total and complete trust, and devotion. The fact that her life in literally in her Masters/Dominants his/Domme's hands,,,,,and Regular!!! it is no more. Now please if You will be so kind ,,,to read the end of Beach Mistresses' Site:
These are questions that may help you evaluate whether or not your situation is an abusive one:

Are you confused about when a scene begins and ends?
Does your partner ever ignore your safe words or pressure you not to use them?
Has s/he ever violated your limits?
Do you feel "trapped" in a specific role (submissive or dominant)?
Does your partner use scenes to express or cover up anger and frustration?
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Abuse in an erotic power exchange relationship can have an even greater impact than if it happens in another relationship. The amount of trust given can have been extremely high, thus the aftermath, the disappointment and the guilt feelings can be enormous. One word of advice to aid workers: someone who has been in an erotic power exchange relationship did not bring it upon him or her self. Especially in an erotic power exchange relationship, the breach of trust by the abuser is enormous.

This is a very emotional topic still for me. But that site was very helpful, sometimes it helps me a great deal...still....to know...how to protect myself in the future. i am aware of why this happened. i had the right emotional make-up. i was used to being critisized and neglected,in childhood, and i did not know enough about Masters yet to know this is NOT how they acted. i mistook a know it all attitude for wisdom, a huge ego for integrity and confidence, and all their anger for the fact that i really was a total screw up!!!, instead of this persons lack of control over themself. i was so confused, by the time i left,,,and i did leave!!!!!.....i could NOT THINK FOR MYSELF. i no longer had a mind. The prospect of living did not appeal to me, and coming back to this Lifestyle,,,did not seem very realistic at all at the time. Sorry to all but my therapist is not a Lifestyle therapist,,,,,she has told me,,,this mistreatment, in this bdsm life is not the same.And does not leave the same scars. Just so that any Man or Woman out there will Know,You are Not Alone!!

_____________________________

~~inner peace & mental clarity~~

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 24

RE: Abuse disguised as Dominance - 7/26/2005 11:13:37 PM

BeachMystress

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: softandshy

Frankly, BeachMystress, even a newbie should know better than to use a word like abuse if speaking about BDSM, and i hope that the moderators have noticed your post and contacted you about this person.

The mods won't be talking to me about this person, since his profile isn't illegal. Isn't that sad, it's not illegal to say you abuse people.. you have to be caught doing it or have charges pressed by the victim. And I do not believe the person is a newbie. He has a long thought out profile. He also doesn't seem to see the abuse as wrong, since when I told him how reprehensible I felt he was in another forum, he answered:

quote:

Secondly, yes, I have a temper. But you are not here when my mood goes south, and you do not see the efforts I go through to isolate myself from everyone around me. Third, as with all assumptions... well the saying is know.
But this dominant, looks after himself, his slave, and when I get the chance - my daughter. I would lay my life down for both my daughter and my slave, without a thought. I also do not pity the fool, who would underestimate my convictions, or my resolve on this issue.

I am a solitary person just looking to be able to live my life the way I want, without interference from anybody.

Part of my response was to ask him if it was easier to die for them than it is to stop abusing them.

While I have not myself had an abusive husband or boyfriend, this is a hot button for me. In college, I witnessed a friend be abused. When I tried to call the cops, she cried and begged me not to do it. I ignored her. He was here on a student visa, and ended up having to leave the country after I pushed the issue. As a witness to the abuse, they were willing to listen to me as a complainant. My friend was angry, but she got over it after a time. Eighteen years later, she has two children and a loving, non abusive husband. She has told me on more than one occasion how grateful she is that I valued her safety above the fact that she'd be angry with me. I will not stand by and witness even a stranger being abused. Bring it to my attention and you make it my business.

Personally, I don't care about excuses or reasons-why when it comes to an abuser. They know what they are and that they have a problem. There are enough resources for people to get help controlling themselves that no excuse is valid.

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to softandshy)

Post #: 25

RE: Abuse disguised as Dominance - 7/26/2005 11:39:09 PM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BeachMystress
As a witness to the abuse, they were willing to listen to me as a complainant. My friend was angry, but she got over it after a time. Eighteen years later, she has two children and a loving, non abusive husband. She has told me on more than one occasion how grateful she is that I valued her safety above the fact that she'd be angry with me. I will not stand by and witness even a stranger being abused. Bring it to my attention and you make it my business.

Personally, I don't care about excuses or reasons-why when it comes to an abuser. They know what they are and that they have a problem. There are enough resources for people to get help controlling themselves that no excuse is valid.

As usual I admire and respect your stance and actions against that which you believe is wrong.
I feel helpless and irritated when I notice so much psychological abuse (and am sometimes told of occasional physical abuse) happening when friends and family members tell me stories that they feel are just normal conflicts in relationships. I often advise women (and on occasion, men) to get counseling so that they can learn to differentiate normal conflict from abuse in relationships because over time abuse usually becomes worse, and people have ended up in emergency rooms with broken things, or some end up in mental institutions after suicide attempts.
I always feel helpless because most of these people Do Not go get counseling, and they Do Not leave the relationship... So what am I to do? M

< Message edited by BlkTallFullfig -- 7/26/2005 11:40:31 PM >

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to BeachMystress)

Post #: 26

RE: Abuse disguised as Dominance - 7/27/2005 7:51:13 AM

softandshy

Posts: 297
Joined: 5/10/2005
Status: offline

You are very right BeachMystress, a wise woman. It is shameful that a person could openly claim such behavior and not be struck from a site. And there is no excuse for abuse.

Interceding for your friend may well have saved her life. Brava! i was helped out of the situation i was in also. i don't know that i could have left it without the help because so much of "me" was tied to the abusers. In all honesty, for a long time afterwards it was very difficult not to go back to the familiar situation (i did not know how to relate, did not understand my position, in a world that wasn't generally abusive), and i didn't appreciate the help in more than a purely intellectual sense for many years. Now i do. Still, it isn't always possible to help at all, BlkTallFullfig, because you may be fought by the person you're helping as well as by the abuser. It takes a great deal of strength, patience, and resources.

_____________________________

Happy "Swamp Thing"

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)

Post #: 27

RE: Abuse disguised as Dominance - 7/27/2005 11:06:51 AM

LadyKim

Posts: 191
Joined: 11/11/2004
Status: offline

No you are definitely not alone in your thinking.

There are far too many people who view being dominant as getting what they want, when they want it, and not having to justify or answer for anything. They use the title of Master/Mistress, Dom/me to excuse their own lack of self control, motivation, social skills, and manners. They don't recognize or accept that there is responsiblity that goes along with the role, and use it for their own selfish means.

It is truly a shame.

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 28

RE: Abuse disguised as Dominance - 7/27/2005 1:07:41 PM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: softandshy
it was very difficult not to go back to the familiar situation (i did not know how to relate, did not understand my position, in a world that wasn't generally abusive), and i didn't appreciate the help in more than a purely intellectual sense for many years. Now i do. Still, it isn't always possible to help at all, BlkTallFullfig, because you may be fought by the person you're helping as well as by the abuser.

This is so true! I have been exasperated at times by my inability to remove a person from a destructive situation, and have wished and prayed for a magic word/sentence I could say to turn on the light that illuminates self respect/survival instinct within one so that he/she could permanently run from a**holes.
I had a friend in the past year who proceeded to marry a verbally abusive man (after I told her "don't marry him", speak to your mother, go get counseling); they both nearly ended up dead, but she is thankfully divorced now (<1year after marriage) and she is in counselling finally.
I'm still talking with her about maladaptive thoughts/behaviors (sometimes what our parents do to us is criminal), but am thinking she will in time be okay.
Thanks everyone for talking about this... Feel like I'm venting my own frustrations here (sigh). M

< Message edited by BlkTallFullfig -- 8/11/2005 12:53:32 AM >

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to softandshy)

Post #: 29

RE: Abuse disguised as Dominance - 7/27/2005 10:28:54 PM

QuietMaster4u

Posts: 49
Joined: 7/3/2005
Status: offline

I come not to argue, nor create a stir. I am here under a flag of truce, such as when I emailed you directly. Seeing if, as adults, we could not come to some understanding. I much rather resolve our differences between us, rather than put me on display.

It was not hard, for one to already find me. Others, I am guessing, have at least looked over my profile.

I am willing to sit here and let you, throw your stones. Then when you are done, I shall turn the other cheek.

As you said, "this is a hot button for me." I can now understand why, you refused to give me the courtesy of discussing this in private.

As, I am not familiar with anyone's background here. The same can also be said, that none of you are familiar with my background. I am not eager to sit and relive my past, but for the sake of brevity. I shall condense, the facts of this issue. I am willing to discuss more with people, but prefer not to tie up the forums with this discussion.

When I was younger, I realized I had quite a temper. I also, realized it was a blind rage. When little things, like locking the keys in the car would set me off. Resulting in me breaking my fist, trying to smash the window in. Going around a week later, with my hand and wrist in a cast.

It was a close family friend who noticed, the imbedded anger. She spent several weeks with me, teaching me ways to release my anger. In non destructive ways.

I have always internalized my pain and anger. But when, something little sparks my fuse. All that pent up negativity comes outs. I pace back and forth yelling and screaming until I am hoarse. I'll go outside, and kick around the dirt and at the base of trees (they rarely fall over). Then I generally wind up in a heap, just crying til I fall asleep.

I don't want anyone around me. I don't want to be held. I don't want to be touched. I want to be left alone.

These are the steps I go through, when I lose my temper.

About 12yrs ago, I found buddism and zen. I use meditation and centering, for calming and reducing stress in my daily life.

I used the term rather broadly versus spelling out my pleasures and interest. As some have, chosen to do in their profiles. In the end, it is up to the person to question me. To determine what exactly I meant by what I had said.

(in reply to BeachMystress)

Post #: 30

RE: Abuse disguised as Dominance - 7/27/2005 11:20:29 PM

luvdragonx

Posts: 388
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline

Quiet, I had to sit and think about this one for awhile. I was surprised by your post, but enlightened by it as well. Based on the OP, I believed that the extent of your profile consisted of the one or two sentences. After reading your ENTIRE profile, I see a different thing altogether.

On the one hand, I'm sure it's obvious how the A word can trigger heated, even violent responses. I doubt you would have known that an honest and upfront evaluation of yourself could spark such a debate. I know that you are by no means required to change anything to suit anyone else, but changing the profile to reflect the same sentiment, without using the A word is certainly something to consider.

I think I understand what you meant in your open description of what you want and your own personality. I think it's admirable to admit your own faults and shortcomings, as well as offering up your approaches to dealing with those faults. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that you didn't mean to imply you were seeking a victim. I took it to mean 'This is who I am. Enter only if you're willing to deal with less than perfect.' I personally believe that if you know you have that kind of temper, it's best to be upfront than let someone find out after the fact. At the same time, people are going to question whether this is the right time/place for you to seek another. But again, these are other people who have no say in what you do.

Unless you've changed your post between the time of the OP and now, I wonder how many people took the time to read your profile before reacting the way they did.

I wish you well on your journey, wherever that may lead.

Editied to add: Emerald probably came closest to the truth in her first post to this thread.

quote:

I would also like to point out that some people (particularly newbies) use the word "abuse" in a far more general sense than we do and might not mean in in an actually dysfunctional abusive manner.

< Message edited by luvdragonx -- 7/27/2005 11:25:48 PM >

_____________________________

Never Without Love

(in reply to QuietMaster4u)

Post #: 31

RE: Abuse disguised as Dominance - 7/27/2005 11:23:53 PM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline

How could anyone have known before he posted that his was the profile in question?

quote:

ORIGINAL: luvdragonx

Unless you've changed your post between the time of the OP and now, I wonder how many people took the time to read your profile before reacting the way they did.

(in reply to luvdragonx)

Post #: 32

RE: Abuse disguised as Dominance - 7/27/2005 11:31:37 PM

luvdragonx

Posts: 388
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline

My bad. I guess I spend a lot of time on the boards, because I'd seen this same profile discussed on another thread.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_130890/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#131468

That's how I knew about it. Also, if you search the profiles for a string of text (which I did) it will take you right to it.

_____________________________

Never Without Love

(in reply to Lordandmaster)

Post #: 33

RE: Abuse disguised as Dominance - 7/28/2005 2:26:38 AM

LadyShoshin

Posts: 492
Joined: 7/19/2004
From: Burlington, Ontario
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: luvdragonx

My bad. I guess I spend a lot of time on the boards, because I'd seen this same profile discussed on another thread.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_130890/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#131468

That's how I knew about it. Also, if you search the profiles for a string of text (which I did) it will take you right to it.

That is how I found it, he has now changed his profile. It still appears to be the honest self evaluation of a man who is very controlling, however, in stating that up front, he allows people to make their own decisions.

I prefer his honesty to someone who has no clue about their own anger issues, thinks everyone in the BDSM community (with themselves being the only exception), are all wannabes and they are the only ones who know how to practice "real" BDSM. They woo a submissive and win her trust, like the frog who if dropped in hot water will jump out, but if placed in cold water is gradually heated, will sit and boil to death, often the submissives don't realize they are being abused until they have so much involved emotionally, that leaving is almost impossible.

Lady Shoshin - survivor of 24 years of abusive marriage

_____________________________

PHLOX: “It’s unethical for a doctor to cause harm...I can inflict as much pain as I like.”

(in reply to luvdragonx)

Post #: 34

RE: Abuse disguised as Dominance - 7/28/2005 11:35:42 AM

punnishme

Posts: 23
Joined: 7/8/2005
Status: offline

I doubt if the Dudes getting any hits

anyone actually think He is

I wouldn't go within a mile of the guy

(in reply to BeachMystress)

Post #: 35

RE: Abuse disguised as Dominance - 6/23/2008 2:34:15 PM

buttersquirt

Posts: 1
Joined: 8/31/2007
Status: offline

Would you call it "abusive" when a Dom attacks a sub out of anger and proceeds to pummel her, blacken her eye and bruise her limbs -- when she's ill, no less? When she's in pain?
Is this abusive? I'm so angry at having to be at work with this black eye that I want to vomit. I'm so angry with my ex Dom that I am inches away from calling the police. Why haven't I? What is holding me back? I have attempted to alert every female in his life since he sent his ex-wife who knows NOTHING about his sadistic nature had the nerve to call me and try to make it sound like it was MY FAULT. Perhaps she's afraid her meal ticket will be disrupted since she has no job and relies on his support.

I just don't know how to deal with this and i need your advice.

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 36

RE: Abuse disguised as Dominance - 6/23/2008 2:43:58 PM

Daes

Posts: 246
Joined: 4/20/2007
From: Diamond Bar, SoCal
Status: offline

I have this quoted on a personal blog i keep, I found it necessary and neatly put. Who knows, maybe someone could benefit from it:

quote:

Dominant's Unhealthy Control

1) Controlling behavior due to fear of losing their partner.

A) Isolating the submissive from family and friends
B) Discouraging self sufficient behavior
C) Not allowing any social interaction which does not include the dominant
D) Out of control jealousy

2) Explosive temper

3) Behaves like a spoiled child when not getting his/her way

4) Abuses drugs/alcohol

5) Does not take responsibility for mistakes

6) Uses unhealthy behavior to gain control over the submissive

A) Emotional blackmail
example: Keeping the submissive in a constant state of fear that the relationship will end if they don't get their way.

B) Emotional Withdrawal
example: Using the "silent treatment" or physically withdrawing and cutting off all contact rather than communicating and taking responsibility for the situation.

C) Withdrawal of affection

Refusing any/all intimacy as a punishment which can be quite damaging and reinforces the fear that the submissive will lose the relationship unless he/she gives into this type of blackmail.
~Ceria

In the way that the article had stated- I believe "Withdrawal of Affection" was meant in more negative terms, ie doing it (as was mentioned) with the motivation for manipulating the submissive Rather than to discipline her.

I'm a sub, though I have been in One abusive relationship. I got out of it as soon as I realized that it was indeed, abusive and unhealthy. He was nilla' though. Still. Lesson learned.

I take it as a warning sign when a dominant is not interested in who I am as a person, my own thoughts/concerns about play or bdsm itself, or when he pushes for intimacy even though it makes me comfortable. If he ignores my concerns rather than addressing And respecting them, then he is not worth my time.

< Message edited by Daes -- 6/23/2008 2:47:13 PM >

_____________________________

~*Estrellita*~
I want to be in surrender of His strength, of His power. Alone, I am nothing, but in His arms I am all things...

~His puppy~

(in reply to buttersquirt)

Post #: 37

RE: Abuse disguised as Dominance - 6/23/2008 2:50:54 PM

came4U

Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline

quote:

This is taken from a Dom's profile on this site. "I have a temper and with that can be abusive, both physically and mentally." Personally, the thought that someone truly abused their submissive made me almost physically ill. Someone might say, well at least he is honest about it.. but I find that to be a cop out. Anyone who knows this about themselves knows enough to get help fixing it. BDSM is not abuse and true mental and physical abuse have no place in it. Am I the only one who feels this way? (I sure hope not!)

No you are not the only one.

Yet, sure there is likely a percentage of dominants here with the same numbskull attitude and refusal to get help for his misgivings (temper that leads to abuse). What the percentage is, I have no clue, but like you I (and most others) can recognize it quickly.

It is good you saw the signs of his simple words and scooted the hell away from further contact.

What you can do about it? Not much, even for this goon there is someone willing to swoon to him like his temper is a hand full of roses.

(in reply to Daes)

Post #: 38

RE: Abuse disguised as Dominance - 6/23/2008 3:11:32 PM

charlotteS

Posts: 203
Joined: 3/9/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: EmeraldSlave2

I would also like to point out that some people (particularly newbies) use the word "abuse" in a far more general sense than we do and might not mean in in an actually dysfunctional abusive manner.

Similarly to how a lot of people use the word "punishment" as a way to deal with kink and such.

I thought this bore repeating. There are many words in our lifestyle that have taken on their own meaning. It's why there needs to be an emphasis on communication and a willingness to be open to different people's meanings. Abuse as the term is used in a vanilla world is never good. But neither is rape, or slavery, or pain or degradation or humiliation or being used...

After reading Quiet's response to the thread his use of the term makes sense and in fact gives me insight into who he is.

Iron Bear said he wished there was another term for abuse. I was about to agree until I thought that perhaps using these terms to mean different things opens up discussions about WIITWD, allowing people an opportunity to express thoughts and experiences that might not fit in any labels we have yet created.

charlotte

_____________________________

"When you are your freest self, who are you?" Jack Rinella

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

Post #: 39

RE: Abuse disguised as Dominance - 6/23/2008 3:17:07 PM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: buttersquirt

Would you call it "abusive" when a Dom attacks a sub out of anger and proceeds to pummel her, blacken her eye and bruise her limbs -- when she's ill, no less? When she's in pain?

My first piece of advice is to start your own thread. Resurrecting a three-year old thread will find alot of people responding to the original post, and not yours. Just click "new post" in the General BDSM section.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to buttersquirt)

Post #: 40

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