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The BDSM "Lifestyle" - 10/2/2007 6:37:29 PM

xoxi

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While replying to another post, something popped out in my mind and I felt it should have its own topic.

What does the term "BDSM Lifestyle" mean to you?

To me, someone who lives a BDSM Lifestyle is someone who focuses a large part of his or her social energy on the local community or scene. S/he is someone who regularly attends munches and probably creates or moderates one eventually, someone who is a chair or board member of a local kinky group, who demonstrates at clubs and conventions, and who is generally seen as a leader (or at least role model) of the community.

Yet so often I hear people use the term "Lifestyle BDSM" as an equivalent for being in a 24/7 relationship, without any type of community involvement. I take issue with this simply because it means it's only their 'lifestyle' when in a relationship. I'm not saying anything negative about a 24/7 relationship, I just think it's misleading to say that you live the BDSM lifestyle when all that means is you're single and looking online for a partner, or that you and your partner have a lot of kinky sex.

To me a lifestyle is something that is a significant part of your social life in general, not just something you do when you are in a relationship. However I'm fully aware that my definition isn't everyone's...so I am interested in hearing arguments for both sides of the coin.

What do you think when you hear the term "BDSM Lifestyle," and what do you mean when you say you are a part of it?

Post #: 1

RE: The BDSM "Lifestyle" - 10/2/2007 6:40:17 PM

RRafe

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I think of people who need to get other hobbies.

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RE: The BDSM "Lifestyle" - 10/2/2007 6:42:14 PM

BlackKnight

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Look I already have too many hobbies, This is a way of thinking

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RE: The BDSM "Lifestyle" - 10/2/2007 6:43:47 PM

xoxi

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If it's a way of thinking wouldn't that make it a BDSM mindset rather than lifestyle?

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RE: The BDSM "Lifestyle" - 10/2/2007 6:45:09 PM

laurell3

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In my experience people saying they are "in the lifestyle" mean that they are doms/subs/switches. Being involved in the community isn't really possible for everyone, I think they are nonetheless "in the lifestyle".
l

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RE: The BDSM "Lifestyle" - 10/2/2007 6:51:40 PM

downkitty

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To me, the BDSM Lifestyle means more the social scene, which I am not involved in. Personally, we consider ourselves to be in a power exchange relationship or a M/s relationship. To the rest of the world, I think it just looks like he's the boss.

(in reply to xoxi)

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RE: The BDSM "Lifestyle" - 10/2/2007 6:53:38 PM

RRafe

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quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

In my experience people saying they are "in the lifestyle" mean that they are doms/subs/switches. Being involved in the community isn't really possible for everyone, I think they are nonetheless "in the lifestyle".
l

It's kind of hazy. I mean really are nillas into spanking also lifestylers?

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RE: The BDSM "Lifestyle" - 10/2/2007 6:59:21 PM

hisannabelle

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From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
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greetings xoxi,

in my experience, most people tend to use the "bdsm lifestyle" as a descriptor for the fact that they are involved in bdsm (whether in a relationship, someone who tops/bottoms occasionally, etc.); i've never seen it exclusively used as a descriptor for being involved in the bdsm community (local, regional, or whatever). i don't think it's misleading simply because i've never seen a large number of bdsm people use "bdsm lifestyle" to mean exclusively "being involved in the local bdsm community," so i don't expect it to mean that when people say it.

when i say i live a d/s lifestyle 24/7, i mean that i am in a relationship that is characterized by that dynamic (although slavery is who i am...being a slave and my identity as a slave in and of itself is not necessarily a "lifestyle," anymore than i think, say, being bisexual is a "lifestyle"). i use "lifestyle" to refer to the fact that it characterizes my relationship with him and thus affects every aspect of my life not only as my identity but also as something that i live actively 24/7 in relationship.

to me my involvement in the local community (which is minimal, as the local community is very small and i am usually sick/busy when there are meetings) is not related to my usage of that term ("d/s lifestyle"). i don't use the term "bdsm lifestyle," usually, unless i'm referring in general to people who are involved in bdsm (whether socially in their communities or not) - i rarely use it in reference to myself, and it doesn't really have anything to do with being involved in the local community, at least in my usage of it.

respectfully,
annabelle.

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RE: The BDSM "Lifestyle" - 10/2/2007 6:59:25 PM

DocRudy

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I don't see "Lifestyle BDSM" as necessarily having anything to do with the "community" and whatnot. That's silly IMO. I don't mean it's silly to be involved in that, I mean silly to make that a prerequisite.

"Lifestyle BDSM" to me means that BDSM, most likely in the fashion of TPE, is a part of a couple's life not only in the bedroom. Not only during or preceding sex. But during everyday life. Cooking, cleaning, and all the mundane of everyday life is in some way dictated by M/s relationship.

Simply put, someone is always in control, someone is always bound or being flogged, someone is always a pony/puppy or whatever your personal flavor of BDSM is. Except in public, I suppose, since none of us wants to go to jail.

-DR

(in reply to xoxi)

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RE: The BDSM "Lifestyle" - 10/2/2007 7:02:11 PM

RRafe

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Or it can just mean a couple does kinky sex a lot.

Bdsm doesn't include d/s by default.

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RE: The BDSM "Lifestyle" - 10/2/2007 7:03:01 PM

PsyVamp

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I think it varies from person to person depending on one's geographical location.
There is not a huge fetish scene where I live because of the rural location. I do, however, belong to two groups and attend munches when I can. I participate in their weekly chats. I go to fetish events in NYC as well as belong to a group there. I attend workshops and associate with people that are Dominant and submissive almost exclusively when it pertains to my social life. I have my own live in pet.
Does this make me a "lifestyle" Domme? I guess it depends on who you ask.
I do have outside interests. My college education has nothing to do with BDSM, certain friends as well as my family and co-workers have no idea that I'm a Domme. I take my um's to the doctor and dentist just as any other 'nilla person might. Does this knock me out of the running to be "lifestyle"?

On the other hand, I have a friend that lives and breathes the lifestyle... he is a live in slave and helps his Master run a local group. Any jobs he takes pertain to the fetish industry. No matter what he is doing, any time his Dom says jump, he says "how high" without a thought to his own needs or wants. I would definately consider him lifestyle, no matter who else may be in that category.

~Psy (who is very comfortable where she is, no matter who calls it what)

< Message edited by PsyVamp -- 10/2/2007 7:06:19 PM >

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RE: The BDSM "Lifestyle" - 10/2/2007 7:04:36 PM

DocRudy

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Perhaps, but I'm not looking at any definition of "BDSM Lifestyle", sadly, so I rest on my opinion that what you described doesn't qualify.

To me, a couple who just does kinky sex a lot doesn't quite constitute a BDSM Lifestyle.

-DR

(in reply to RRafe)

Post #: 12

RE: The BDSM "Lifestyle" - 10/2/2007 7:07:14 PM

RRafe

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we can differ on who gets the beer, But it sure looks pretty much the same to me.

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RE: The BDSM "Lifestyle" - 10/2/2007 7:11:12 PM

KnightofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: RRafe

I think of people who need to get other hobbies.

but but but... what if BDSM is the hobby?

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RE: The BDSM "Lifestyle" - 10/2/2007 7:12:13 PM

RRafe

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quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: RRafe

I think of people who need to get other hobbies.

but but but... what if BDSM is the hobby?

Do it a bit differently? Variety is good!

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RE: The BDSM "Lifestyle" - 10/2/2007 7:30:05 PM

KnightofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: xoxi

What do you think when you hear the term "BDSM Lifestyle," and what do you mean when you say you are a part of it?

It is simply a person that ENGAGES in BDSM activity and/OR the activities that will facilate this activity.

What is engaging in BDSM... well... it's not going to a munch.... saying it is... well that is like saying I engage in sexual activity when I go to the bar. However, there are things we do that facilates our activities... call them prerequisites... If you want to find some to have sex with..... well one of the ways is to go to the bar and pick someone up. But... for some... they have established a relationship and well damn it all.. they happen to have sex with them from time to time. I call that "Sexually Active".... or a Sexual Lifestyle. Within the BDSM lifestyle some will go to the Munches, some go online and some go to the grocery store hoping to make contact with people to engage in the activity itself.

I don't care much for your particular definition... particular since it is rather negative and derrogatory towards anyone that isn't going to facilate their activities in the way you think it should be done. It is not my place to judge how a person should facliate their activities. Some may indeed enjoy the communities and social gatherings that exist and some might not find value in them. I myself have found them to be great, tolerable or a complete waste of time depending on the circumstances. I kinda of think that someone should find something that works for them instead of wasting their time if they hope to Engage in the activities itself.

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An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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RE: The BDSM "Lifestyle" - 10/2/2007 7:32:02 PM

RRafe

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Joined: 8/29/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: xoxi

What do you think when you hear the term "BDSM Lifestyle," and what do you mean when you say you are a part of it?

It is simply a person that ENGAGES in BDSM activity and/OR the activities that will facilate this activity.

What is engaging in BDSM... well... it's not going to a munch.... saying it is... well that is like saying I engage in sexual activity when I go to the bar. However, there are things we do that facilates our activities... call them prerequisites... If you want to find some to have sex with..... well one of the ways is to go to the bar and pick someone up. But... for some... they have established a relationship and well damn it all.. they happen to have sex with them from time to time. I call that "Sexually Active".... or a Sexual Lifestyle. Within the BDSM lifestyle some will go to the Munches, some go online and some go to the grocery store hoping to make contact with people to engage in the activity itself.

I don't care much for your particular definition... particular since it is rather negative and derrogatory towards anyone that isn't going to facilate their activities in the way you think it should be done. It is not my place to judge how a person should facliate their activities. Some may indeed enjoy the communities and social gatherings that exist and some might not find value in them. I myself have found them to be great, tolerable or a complete waste of time depending on the circumstances. I kinda of think that someone should find something that works for them instead of wasting their time if they hope to Engage in the activities itself.

Yes. Being in a group of perverts doesn't make one a "twue pervert."

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RE: The BDSM "Lifestyle" - 10/2/2007 7:33:23 PM

KnightofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DocRudy
To me, a couple who just does kinky sex a lot doesn't quite constitute a BDSM Lifestyle.

and that is as silly as saying "that one needs to be involved in the community to have a BDSM lifestyle"

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Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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RE: The BDSM "Lifestyle" - 10/2/2007 7:34:36 PM

DocRudy

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quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: DocRudy
To me, a couple who just does kinky sex a lot doesn't quite constitute a BDSM Lifestyle.

and that is as silly as saying "that one needs to be involved in the community to have a BDSM lifestyle"

*shrug*

I calls em like I sees em.

-DR

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Post #: 19

RE: The BDSM "Lifestyle" - 10/2/2007 7:38:43 PM

RRafe

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Joined: 8/29/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: DocRudy
To me, a couple who just does kinky sex a lot doesn't quite constitute a BDSM Lifestyle.

and that is as silly as saying "that one needs to be involved in the community to have a BDSM lifestyle"

Knight, have you ever wondered why some people have such tunnel vision when it comes to kink and D/s? It's always confused me.

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