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RE: The BDSM "Lifestyle" - 10/2/2007 7:41:49 PM   
KnightofMists


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quote:

ORIGINAL: RRafe

Knight, have you ever wondered why some people have such tunnel vision when it comes to kink and D/s? It's always confused me.


actaully.. I try very hard not to wonder about it.  I think of it as not being much different as wondering where the corner is in a round room.   Some things are just beyond my understanding

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An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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RE: The BDSM "Lifestyle" - 10/2/2007 7:42:44 PM   
RRafe


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quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: RRafe

Knight, have you ever wondered why some people have such tunnel vision when it comes to kink and D/s? It's always confused me.


actaully.. I try very hard not to wonder about it.  I think of it as not being much different as wondering where the corner is in a round room.   Some things are just beyond my understanding


I think you are right.

Better not to.

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Profile   Post #: 22
RE: The BDSM "Lifestyle" - 10/2/2007 7:47:36 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		Hmm... I run a bdsm munch group, organise events in our local community, I occasionally attend parties and in general am seen as a leader type.  But, I do not live and breathe the "lifestyle" in my view.  I am naturally prone to run things that need doing, but can't be done on their own.  It's just my personality to make things happen if I can.
But there is no way I am "lifestyle" in the way you refer to it.
I am just a regular lady, not currently in a relationship, who is not playing with anyone at this time, who HAPPENS to run a group.  I see myself as the perv next door.
I never get what people mean when they say they are lifestyle.  I am just regular people.
Kyst

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Profile   Post #: 23
RE: The BDSM "Lifestyle" - 10/2/2007 7:48:20 PM   
DocRudy


Posts: 153
Joined: 9/19/2007
Status: offline 		I don't consider it narrow minded or tunnel visioned at all.

The issue is semantics (again) in my mind. I said that BDSM Lifestyle doesn't merely mean kinky sex, because that doesn't insinuate that the BDSM takes place outside the bedroom, which is the deciding factor in my mind. If you and your partner take BDSM outside the bedroom and live your lives with it in some way, then that fits the bill in my mind.

I mean damn, I ain't saying that so-and-so's BDSM experience doesn't count because they only do it in the bedroom. That would be laughable for me to even imply that.

I merely stated my own feeling on where the line rests. Nothing more.

-DR

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Profile   Post #: 24
RE: The BDSM "Lifestyle" - 10/2/2007 7:51:08 PM   
RRafe


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quote:

ORIGINAL: DocRudy

I don't consider it narrow minded or tunnel visioned at all.

The issue is semantics (again) in my mind. I said that BDSM Lifestyle doesn't merely mean kinky sex, because that doesn't insinuate that the BDSM takes place outside the bedroom, which is the deciding factor in my mind. If you and your partner take BDSM outside the bedroom and live your lives with it in some way, then that fits the bill in my mind.

I mean damn, I ain't saying that so-and-so's BDSM experience doesn't count because they only do it in the bedroom. That would be laughable for me to even imply that.

I merely stated my own feeling on where the line rests. Nothing more.

-DR


That's ok Doc. I meant no disrespect. I just get a bit frustrated that so many people assume BDSM ALWAYS involves power play.

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RE: The BDSM "Lifestyle" - 10/2/2007 7:53:35 PM   
DocRudy


Posts: 153
Joined: 9/19/2007
Status: offline 		No harm, no foul, eh?

It's an exercise in patience sometimes to try and get thoughts out in written form while at the same time not writing a novel.

-DR

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Profile   Post #: 26
RE: The BDSM "Lifestyle" - 10/2/2007 7:54:07 PM   
KnightofMists


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quote:

ORIGINAL: DocRudy

I don't consider it narrow minded or tunnel visioned at all.

The issue is semantics (again) in my mind. I said that BDSM Lifestyle doesn't merely mean kinky sex, because that doesn't insinuate that the BDSM takes place outside the bedroom, which is the deciding factor in my mind. If you and your partner take BDSM outside the bedroom and live your lives with it in some way, then that fits the bill in my mind.

I mean damn, I ain't saying that so-and-so's BDSM experience doesn't count because they only do it in the bedroom. That would be laughable for me to even imply that.

I merely stated my own feeling on where the line rests. Nothing more.

-DR


OHHHHHHH... ok then so... if they have kinky sex in the living room, on the washer (spin cycle of course), in the back yard then a person can consider themselves in the BDSM lifestyle... but if it's only in the Bedroom... well you just don't make the grade.

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Profile   Post #: 27
RE: The BDSM "Lifestyle" - 10/2/2007 7:56:01 PM   
RRafe


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quote:

ORIGINAL: DocRudy

No harm, no foul, eh?

It's an exercise in patience sometimes to try and get thoughts out in written form while at the same time not writing a novel.

-DR


I guess I manage to do pretty much the same sort of stuff D/s folks do. I just don't stress out over roles and what not. Makes me feel phoney.

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Profile   Post #: 28
RE: The BDSM "Lifestyle" - 10/2/2007 8:00:37 PM   
DocRudy


Posts: 153
Joined: 9/19/2007
Status: offline 		Not bedroom in the literal sense, KoM...

By bedroom I meant, generally speaking all sex and sexual activities, including but not limited to sexual intercourse and foreplay.

And what grade are you talking about anyway?? This is my own mind, my own personal definition. What do you care if Joe Shmoe doesn't meet some so-called grade inside my own head?

-DR

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Profile   Post #: 29
RE: The BDSM "Lifestyle" - 10/2/2007 8:01:55 PM   
LDRandAstarte


Posts: 504
Joined: 12/31/2005
Status: offline 		Living the lifestyle, thank God, has little to with munches, local play partys, clubs, and what not.
While there are a hand full of people we have met in those venues which have been worth the effort invested, the majority of the flotsom where but posers, prissy wankers, and overly inflated egos.

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Profile   Post #: 30
RE: The BDSM "Lifestyle" - 10/2/2007 8:45:25 PM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline 		Most of the time when I hear people reference it, its the equivalent of "being cool".

"We're hip! We're cool! We're rad kinksters living the lifestyle!"

"Been living this lifestyle for 5 years now and way cooler than you who has only been living it for 3 years!"

"I'm living the lifestyle! I'm part of the team, I'm part of the "in" crowd, you can accept me because I am a fellow 'true' lifestyler like you".

Personally, if I ever find out what this lifestyle is besides a shallow and superficial identity people cling to to "be cool", I will defiently consider living it.

And if I ever start following this herd mentality, you have my permission to hit me.

< Message edited by MadRabbit -- 10/2/2007 8:47:53 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 31
RE: The BDSM "Lifestyle" - 10/2/2007 10:08:02 PM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DocRudy

I don't consider it narrow minded or tunnel visioned at all.

The issue is semantics (again) in my mind. I said that BDSM Lifestyle doesn't merely mean kinky sex, because that doesn't insinuate that the BDSM takes place outside the bedroom, which is the deciding factor in my mind. If you and your partner take BDSM outside the bedroom and live your lives with it in some way, then that fits the bill in my mind.

I mean damn, I ain't saying that so-and-so's BDSM experience doesn't count because they only do it in the bedroom. That would be laughable for me to even imply that.

I merely stated my own feeling on where the line rests. Nothing more.

-DR


Wait so you think if a person truly identifies being a Dominant or submissive as who they are but doesn't do 24/7 they aren't "in the lifestyle"?  Sorry Doc, you seem like a reasonable guy, but that distinction is just as arbitrary as the rest.
l

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Profile   Post #: 32
RE: The BDSM "Lifestyle" - 10/2/2007 10:08:06 PM   
chellekitty


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Joined: 3/27/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LDRandAstarte

Living the lifestyle, thank God, has little to with munches, local play partys, clubs, and what not.
While there are a hand full of people we have met in those venues which have been worth the effort invested, the majority of the flotsom where but posers, prissy wankers, and overly inflated egos.


then you are going to shitty munches, play parties, clubs and what nots (what are what nots, btw?) expand your horizons...i travel 400 miles on a regular basis to find decent events...its funny though....i had to go to Dallas to find the people in Austin and i am in San Antonio....

i see the "lifestyle" as everything you do...from your relationships to which way you hang your toilet paper because thats the way your Master wants it...ETA: this does not mean that if you are not in a relationship that you are not lifestyle btw, these were just examples

the munches, play parties, clubs and what nots would be more acurately described as "the scene"...not a scene, but the scene...

and if quantity of anything makes you better than anyone else, i am going to have to put my vote in for humility...

< Message edited by chellekitty -- 10/2/2007 10:09:20 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 33
RE: The BDSM "Lifestyle" - 10/2/2007 10:17:33 PM   
xoxi


Posts: 1066
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

I don't care much for your particular definition... particular since it is rather negative and derrogatory towards anyone that isn't going to facilate their activities in the way you think it should be done.  It is not my place to judge how a person should facliate their activities.  Some may indeed enjoy the communities and social gatherings that exist and some might not find value in them.  I myself have found them to be great, tolerable or a complete waste of time depending on the circumstances.  I kinda of think that someone should find something that works for them instead of wasting their time if they hope to Engage in the activities itself.



Wow I don't know how you got that at all.  I mean it's fine that you don't agree with my definition but I certainly don't consider it *derogatory* to anyone.  I wasn't saying that a BDSM lifestyle as I defined it was the only way to be a real true bdsm type person.  In fact according to my definition I consider myself to be 100% NOT a BDSM Lifestyler.  I don't think that takes anything away from the value of what I do, I just consider it to be both a relationship dynamic and a sexual preference/orientation.  Not a lifestyle.

And the things I mentioned above were examples, not the ultimate checklist.  Another example could be running a BDSM website or chat room.  But basically I think that if something is your "lifestyle" it should be your lifestyle whether or not you have a partner, you know?  If it solely depends on having someone else to play with, then what are you when you're single?  No longer a lifestyler?

I was basically saying that to me 'lifestyle' has a certain definition, which means that it's a significant part of your life, and your hobbies.  For example someone is a vegan if they don't eat or wear animal products.  They live a vegan lifestyle if they are active in vegan or animal rights groups, protests or rallies, fundraising, etc., and have made friends through those outlets who they hang out with and try to start new things to support that lifestyle.  That's not saying a vegan is inferior to someone who lives a vegan lifestyle, just that there's a serious difference in degree.  Same thing between a BDSM practicioner and a BDSM lifestyler.

I'm just trying to define words, and definitions are by their very nature exclusionary.  However you would think if I was being 'derogatory' or insulting with my exclusions I wouldn't choose to exclude myself, wouldn't you?

< Message edited by xoxi -- 10/2/2007 10:19:14 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 34
RE: The BDSM "Lifestyle" - 10/2/2007 10:20:29 PM   
RRafe


Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline 		I think we do everyone a disservice when we try to define a lovestyle as "twue."

Then again, I've come to the realization that not everyone wants what I do.

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Profile   Post #: 35
RE: The BDSM "Lifestyle" - 10/2/2007 10:24:58 PM   
xoxi


Posts: 1066
Status: offline 		I'm not defining anything as "true" or "not true" I'm defining the word 'lifestyle' which has certain connotations to me.

It's up to you to decide if you prefer to make it a significant part of your social life (lifestyle) or prefer to focus on your partners.

I guess I never realized that so many people consider "practitioner" and "lifestyler" to be synonyms and I am assuming that's why so much offesnse is being taken and saying that I'm judging what is the true way to do things.

I don't care how you do things.  I'm just trying to judge the definition of a word so that I don't use it incorrectly.  Coming from someone who just got offended when someone used BDSM interchangably with D/s I would think you would be a bit more understanding that just because you define a word doesn't mean you are attaching value to it as 'true' or 'better' or anything else.

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Profile   Post #: 36
RE: The BDSM "Lifestyle" - 10/2/2007 10:27:22 PM   
RRafe


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Joined: 8/29/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: xoxi

I'm not defining anything as "true" or "not true" I'm defining the word 'lifestyle' which has certain connotations to me.

It's up to you to decide if you prefer to make it a significant part of your social life (lifestyle) or prefer to focus on your partners.

I guess I never realized that so many people consider "practitioner" and "lifestyler" to be synonyms and I am assuming that's why so much offesnse is being taken and saying that I'm judging what is the true way to do things.

I don't care how you do things.  I'm just trying to judge the definition of a word so that I don't use it incorrectly.  Coming from someone who just got offended when someone used BDSM interchangably with D/s I would think you would be a bit more understanding that just because you define a word doesn't mean you are attaching value to it as 'true' or 'better' or anything else.



I think the offense being taken is trying to assign a title to people who prefer overt bdsm to more private types.

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Profile   Post #: 37
RE: The BDSM "Lifestyle" - 10/2/2007 10:31:24 PM   
xoxi


Posts: 1066
Status: offline 		I see.

I guess I'm just one of those strange people who wants to make sure I'm using the right term to express the idea that I'm trying to convey.

And I always thought "BDSM Lifestyler" was an easier way to say "Someone who makes BDSM a part of their social life and friendships rather than confining it to a relationship dynamic" but I guess I was wrong.

Any ideas for a term to use for that idea?  Obviously I can just use the whole darn sentence but I like knowing there are words for things, y'know?

(in reply to RRafe)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: The BDSM "Lifestyle" - 10/2/2007 10:37:15 PM   
RRafe


Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: xoxi

I see.

I guess I'm just one of those strange people who wants to make sure I'm using the right term to express the idea that I'm trying to convey.

And I always thought "BDSM Lifestyler" was an easier way to say "Someone who makes BDSM a part of their social life and friendships rather than confining it to a relationship dynamic" but I guess I was wrong.

Any ideas for a term to use for that idea?  Obviously I can just use the whole darn sentence but I like knowing there are words for things, y'know?



I just call them "clubbers"

Seems to be where they hang out.

Another one is "cliques"........but I tend to avoid those.

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Profile   Post #: 39
RE: The BDSM "Lifestyle" - 10/2/2007 10:37:55 PM   
hisannabelle


Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
Status: offline 		greetings xoxi,

in my experience people who want to convey what i think you are trying to convey tend to say they are involved in the bdsm community, then quantify it with terms such as local, regional, national, etc.

respectfully,
annabelle.


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Profile   Post #: 40
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