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julietsierra -> RE: Is it wrong to ask for help for your Dom? (10/6/2007 5:15:44 AM)
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ORIGINAL: Focus50
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ORIGINAL: celticlord2112
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Surrender to passive "domination"; that's how D/s works? So it's not a *dynamic* afterall?
Neither you nor I know how "passive" her dominant is. What I do know is that if she does not surrender herself to him, there is no dynamic at all.
But you apparently do know because you're putting *everything* onto her to submit - which is my point! Surely you agree a dynamic works both ways and that submissives are generally happier and more comfortable submitting to a dominant who proactively dominates simultaneously? That's not happening here = passive domination.
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Or do you just mean she should suck it up and surrender to someone she doesn't even respect?
She needs to decide her path for herself. What she should not do is dodge responsibility for her decision by making this situation all about him. The phrase "my respect level is dangerously low" is self-indulgent hogwash.
Wouldn't coming here and asking (no matter how vaguely) be construed as being part of her decision making process? And this "self-indulgent hogwash", can't it possibly just be the simple truth?
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*Groan*, you encourage the fools who believe the sub has all the control in D/s relationships....
Hardly. The crux of this woman's issue amounts to her deciding that he isn't dominant "enough". She's asserting control of the relationship by her very posting. If she doesn't want that control, she needs to give it back.
Now this is baloney! I think it reasonable that any submissive would be the expert on who is "dominant enough" for them and who isn't. And the only reason she's *allegedly* "asserting control" is the oldest of all - that Nature abhors a vacuum and she's only doing what he is NOT!
And you're dead wrong - control isn't something for the submissive to hand back to an obviously passive "dom"; I put it equally or moreso on the dom to either TAKE back control as he's expected to do or start explaining himself. Why tha hell should any sub give anything to a "dom" who isn't capable of taking it in his own right - because your dom/sub "rule book" says so? NO WAY, he's gotta ante-up, too!
Focus.
But that's the whole point. If she is not submitting, she HAS given control back. If she's sitting there saying "I cant submit cause he won't dominate, then she HAS made a decision - even though she appears still trying to hold on to the remnants of whatever they had before so that she can feel "justified" in making the decision to walk away - afterall, "it was HIM that caused me to walk."
I'm a firm believer in personal accountability/responsibility. If she's deciding not to submit, then don't. If she's trying to find a way to submit, then submit. I get supremely tired with people always blaming someone else for their decisions.
Ultimately, if my Master doesn't master, either I'm there because of the man (my decision) or I'm there because I submit (my decision). If I leave, it's STILL my decision. In fact, the ONLY time it's not my decision is if he wakes up one morning and says "go." THEN, it's his decision. If, for whatever reason, he finds he can't dominate, then not dominating is his decision. If for whatever reason he wants out of the relationship, that's his decision. But submitting? That's MY decision. He can't make me do it. He can't stop me from doing it unless he simply doesn't want me at all.
And to me, it doesn't matter if the dominant is wishy washy, suffering from a bad case of post traumatic stress or a bad case of mommyism (where they can't cut the apron strings). Those are HIS issues. What are HER issues are the decisions to submit and to stand by her man in what appears from her post to be a time of trouble..
And to the OP: Make the decision or don't. Quit trying to make YOUR decision HIS fault. If he does need help, don't add to his troubles by saying "my respect level is dangerously low." You either respect him enough to stand by his side while he deals with the demons in his life or you don't. If you don't, do him a favor and walk away. He could really use someone who isn't going to up and disappear just because someone's got something difficult going on in their life for crying out loud.
And if you're contemplating trying to get him help so that YOU will keep on respecting him...your respect is already gone. If he does need help, this has not one thing to do with you. It has everything to do with his need for assistance. Life happens. And when it does, sometimes, it's just not good.
If you'd have said "I want to get him help because he really needs it and I'll do anything to help him" I'd have believed you were still involved with him - still respecting him. As it is, the way I see it, you've got one foot out the door and you're lifting the other foot off the ground to take that next step.
juliet
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