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speech help - 10/3/2007 9:59:12 PM   
stateira


Posts: 48
Joined: 12/19/2006
Status: offline 		I need some help.  Master is talking about releasing me and disliking me and calling me every name in the book along with telling me I'm not a submissive.  I just need some help as far as how to talk to him.  This is the most recent incident and it's really got him upset. 

A little background...I have PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome).  During that time of the month and the week before my belly is very sensitive, especially since I had surgery for it.  I also have PMDD which is a severe form of pms...makes my entire body stiff and achey and makes me sick to my stomach.  

So tonight Master wanted to spank me.  I tell him that I'm really hurting and can't really take that tonight.  He says too bad and rolls me over and starts spanking.  Usually it's not something that would hurt me but with the rest of me hurting it just makes things worse.  So I try to get away and kick and holler and everything else because it's hurting so much until he finally lets go.  From there I am upset because along with everything else, my bottom hurts.  I asked him why he did it and he said just because he wanted to.  I told him he was being selfish...I know not the most submissive thing in the world.  Believe me, he let me know just what he thought of me after that one.  He also let me know that all Masters do things to their girls that might hurt her for his own reasons. 

From there he goes on to tell me that he thinks I'm making up excuses because I don't want to enjoy what he's doing.  I'm not really hurting, he says, I'm just saying that to make him miserable.  I'm not really sick, he says, I'm just making it up so I can't enjoy myself.

My question is this:

I need a submissive way to let him know that accusing me of making up my medical problems and the pain they cause is not acceptable to me.  I don't ridicule him or accuse him of making it up when his diabetes gets out of control.  So how can I get him to see that what he's saying is not fair without stepping over the submissive line?
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RE: speech help - 10/3/2007 10:09:31 PM   
Estring


Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		How about getting a note from your doctor?
Or better yet, how about "submissively" getting the hell out of such a relationship?

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(in reply to stateira)
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RE: speech help - 10/3/2007 10:12:41 PM   
soultoshare


Posts: 519
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline 		If he's aware of the problems you suffer at that time of the month, and he still persists in satisfying his own "urges", for lack of a better term, then screw the "submissive way" of telling him.....just flat out tell him NO!!!!!  What he's doing sounds more like borderline abuse to me, and I know plenty of Doms, including my play partner, that are extremely considerate of the aches and pains, mood swings and the other crap that accompanies getting your period.  I get killer backaches, and he always gives me a massage first and last just because HE wants to make me feel a little better.  And talking about releasing you over something like this reminds me of the little boy throwing the temper tantrum, stomping his little feet.

You don't indicate if you live together......if you don't, then simply don't be available when you feel like crap.  If all else fails, safeword.....if he doesn't stop at that, then I'd be outta there.

Just my thoughts, but just because I'm submissive doesn't mean that I don't deserve consderation either. 

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RE: speech help - 10/3/2007 10:20:15 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		I think you need out, he is beyond unfair.  He is uncaring.  If he doesnt know about your conditions and doesnt seem to care fo find out more, then he IS being selfish. For now, its just being annoying, but it could become harmful. Even if it means not doing something you feel like doing, the well being of your sub should be considered.
Coming from soeone who owns a sub with medical problems coming out his ears... sometimes we just cant do what we would like to. I have had Angel here after procedures, and even though I was dying to play, all I did was hold and comfort him because he wasnt going to physically enjoy anything.  He would have let me do it, but he wouldnt have liked it.
You have to put your foot down, and dont worry about being submissive about it. If your master thinks that his kink should come before your health, then you need a new master.  Angel put his foot down with me and I didnt think him less submissive for having health problems.   There is no real way to get around it if he refuses to understand that your problems are as real and documented as his are, because yours are inconvenient.

DV



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VampiresLair

(in reply to Estring)
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RE: speech help - 10/3/2007 10:23:23 PM   
came4U


Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline 		Kick him in the nuts and ask him to spank you.  Ask him if it hurts, if he says yes, I think he is faking it, kick him again just to make sure.

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RE: speech help - 10/3/2007 10:28:14 PM   
CuriousLord


Posts: 3911
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: stateira

I need a submissive way to let him know that accusing me of making up my medical problems and the pain they cause is not acceptable to me.


There's not really a way to assert yourself submissively.  I mean, you can do it in a way that's not as dominant as other ways- such as telling him in the most humble, humilated way possible- but, when it comes down to it, you're still asserting yourself; there's no way around the act not being submissive.


(in reply to stateira)
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RE: speech help - 10/3/2007 10:31:28 PM   
katzschen


Posts: 385
Joined: 11/10/2006
From: Greenville, SC
Status: offline 		Ok, good, I was afraid to be the only one to reply with a "get the hell out of that relationship."
Please do yourself a favour and do so before you end up seriously hurt.

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RE: speech help - 10/3/2007 10:32:29 PM   
CuriousLord


Posts: 3911
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline 		Is it just me, or does asking about help in a relationship often yield condemnations from respondees?

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RE: speech help - 10/3/2007 11:43:21 PM   
hisannabelle


Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
Status: offline 		greetings stateira,

it seems to me that the issue here is that either you don't or you can't trust him in this regard. yes, masters do do things to hurt their submissives for their own reasons...the question becomes do you feel you are with someone who is competent with regards to discerning when it is him doing things for his own reasons as a master versus him just being a selfish idiot who cares/knows nothing about your health. that distinction is the most important, in my opinion...because if you do not feel he is competent and you do not feel you can trust him in this regard, either he is going to have to start making some changes or (at least if i were in your situation) you are going to have to get out of the relationship for your own well-being (mental AND emotional).

personally (being disabled and dealing with a lot of medical issues) i would not choose to be in a relationship with someone who did not at the very least understand where i am coming from with those issues and to some extent how they affect my life and how i feel day to day...because i would not feel that i could trust that person to be competent enough to hand over my control to them. and i know that a relationship with someone i CAN trust and who DOES understand/care about my medical issues is possible (because i have one) and that is important to me, so if i were in your position, i would not give up on finding that (whether it is by changing your current relationship or seeking a more healthy situation for yourself outside of it).

respectfully,
annabelle.


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(in reply to CuriousLord)
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RE: speech help - 10/4/2007 12:02:19 AM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		Your guy has an accute case of subslutslaveitis, he has created for himself a fantasy world where you like being hurt and and where you are trying activly to not like what he is doing.

can you see that you dont exist in this picture?

you provide a body, but you, your needs, your heart, you words dont mean a thing when they contridict the fantasy.

curious lord: if you are seeing folks telling her to run for the hills its not because of negitive judgements as much as it is seeing an unhealthy harbinger of things to come.

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(in reply to hisannabelle)
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RE: speech help - 10/4/2007 12:21:19 AM   
MissMagnolia


Posts: 3636
Status: offline 		Very true crouchingtrigress.  A fantasy world is one thing, but reality is where we all ultimately live.

OP, it can be a very fine line between abuse and BDSM. If a relationship starts with a clear understanding that there are no limits, great. However, it doesn't sound as if that is the case with you. This problem is not going to go away, or be miraculously cured, so this needs to be addressed ASAP. You're 22 years old, so your PCOS and PMDD might ease in around 25-35 years. Think you can last the distance?  Think he's going to change? Probably not. If he ain't listening now, he ain't listening full stop.

Tell him a flat out NO, tell him that you cannot cope and this is not what you signed up for. If he won't listen, get the message that he see's you as a piece of meat and nothing more.



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RE: speech help - 10/4/2007 12:26:12 AM   
Driver1961


Posts: 459
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		He dips His lid:

If the relationship is worth something to both of you- find a kink friendly counsellor for both of you to speak with.  This can be done via your local BDSM community or just phone around blindly being explicit with what is the basis of your relationship BDSM.  

Otherwise just leave, this is very unhealthy and needs not advice from here but action to protect yourself.

Warm regards Driver.

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RE: speech help - 10/4/2007 1:19:12 AM   
CuriousLord


Posts: 3911
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

curious lord: if you are seeing folks telling her to run for the hills its not because of negitive judgements as much as it is seeing an unhealthy harbinger of things to come.


Maybe.  It just seems too much like a trend to me.. that everyone's told that their relationship is going to bottom out, that it's not worth pursuing.  Maybe it's just that no one posts questions like this until they're in such a situation, but I'm concerned that we may act as removed judges in comfy arm chairs, passing judgement too harshly.

Then again, this is only a concern of mine.  Perhaps it's perfectly correct to advise her out of this situation.  I've just seen others' advice screw up things that weren't really so bad too many times before, so the typical cut-and-run advice irks me.

(in reply to crouchingtigress)
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RE: speech help - 10/4/2007 1:31:55 AM   
spanklette


Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline 		Okay, I'm going to play a little Devil's Advocate here, since we're only hearing what you're hearing...
 
Does he understand your condition or just that your stomach hurts? Is he truly aware of the pain that you are in and that the condition PMDD truly exists? I'm not sure how long you have been together with him, but is this something that has been sudden?
 
He may be feeling like you're giving the "headache" excuse. You seem very concerned about approaching him in a submissive manner, which makes me wonder whether you have approached him at all...or maybe not explaining fully.
 
I'm not assigning blame to you for his behavior. If you said no, in this context, he should have abided by your decision, as far as I'm concerned. But, maybe he has just become frustrated and isn't sure how to move the relationship forward.
 
If you want to save the relationship, maybe you guys should do some homework together on how to ease your symptoms and move towards your relationship goals. To me, it seems like your goals may be too different, but that is just from the OP...you seemed to say that he showed no concern, but was that ony because you percieved no concern?
 
In the end, you are going to have to choose what is best for you and your health. I hope that you heal quickly and your symptoms taper off as one of the other posters suggested!!! I really don't have any information on either of your health problems, but I hope that you are able to work through them, with your dominant or without him. ~hugs~
 
 

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

(in reply to stateira)
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RE: speech help - 10/4/2007 2:33:58 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		Situations like this rarely spring out of nowhere. You described one incident, but mentioned that there were others.

Is it usual for him to be insensitive when you're suffering from your monthly problem, or any other problem? Are you usually a willing partner at most other times? How understanding is he in general? How often do you say "Not tonight"?.

He could, of course, be an utterly selfish git or he could be feeling slightly rejected, frustrated and upset. There's too little background to really discern and only you can possibly know.

As you asked for an approach, I tried to put myself in the situation you described and I'd likely say, " Ok, Master, I'll try, but if it gets really uncomfortable and painful, and not in the way you'd like, can we stop, please?"

agirl






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RE: speech help - 10/4/2007 2:53:17 AM   
ExSteelAgain


Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

Your guy has an accute case of subslutslaveitis, he has created for himself a fantasy world where you like being hurt and and where you are trying activly to not like what he is doing.


Yes, that's it. It could be that he lacks knowledge and thinks he has to be this way. There is a learning curve to realizing you have to put things in the right context and the slave is not always going to be ON. I'd try to explain to him that you are pretty much like everyone else when it comes to illness. He may act much differently once he understands and is secure in the belief he is giving you enough domination no matter if he doesn't physically stress you during those times.   

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RE: speech help - 10/4/2007 2:55:34 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		heh, she said disliking-----------

had it been my bitch she would have said dissing--------I mean it...

with alot of cock talk.

Howard Stern


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RE: speech help - 10/4/2007 3:24:58 AM   
feastie


Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CuriousLord


Maybe.  It just seems too much like a trend to me.. that everyone's told that their relationship is going to bottom out, that it's not worth pursuing.  Maybe it's just that no one posts questions like this until they're in such a situation, but I'm concerned that we may act as removed judges in comfy arm chairs, passing judgement too harshly.

Then again, this is only a concern of mine.  Perhaps it's perfectly correct to advise her out of this situation.  I've just seen others' advice screw up things that weren't really so bad too many times before, so the typical cut-and-run advice irks me.


Perhaps it's because the situations posted warrant it?  PCOS and PMDD are both very real physical conditions.  If someone is not willing to address another's physical limitations in a positive way, does he truly have her best interests at heart or is he being a selfish asshat?

Looks like asshat, smells like asshat ...

Asshat. 

The thing is, there are so many women that would rather "fix it" because it is so difficult to find a "master" they refuse to let go when they should.  It's okay to let go if it's not working.  Someone abusing you is not working. 

It's typically these sorts of women and these sorts of relationships that are the ones that get posted here.  That's why you see them being advised to get the hell out of Dodge, not because it's the knee-jerk, end all, be all, fits all statement.


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Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

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RE: speech help - 10/4/2007 3:59:14 AM   
Sinimint


Posts: 131
Joined: 1/25/2007
Status: offline 		My first reaction is to get out of this relationship as soon as possible.

However, if you are keen to try and salvage something from it, why not find as much information as possible about your medical conditions on the web and print them out, or find some brochures, then give him all the information to help him understand the seriousness of your conditions.

Personally, I would not stand for his actions and would be out of there in a flash.

Good luck to you and be safe....

(in reply to stateira)
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RE: speech help - 10/4/2007 4:36:47 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		My question is this:

I need a submissive way to let him know that accusing me of making up my medical problems and the pain they cause is not acceptable to me.  I don't ridicule him or accuse him of making it up when his diabetes gets out of control.  So how can I get him to see that what he's saying is not fair without stepping over the submissive line?

As far as I can tell, she didn't ask whether she should get out of her relationship or not. If she's able to kick, *holler* and stand up to him enough to call him selfish, she's not completely incapable of knowing what's what.

I could post a fair few *incidents* where M would look like an utter bastard, where I would most certainly look as if I was in an abusive relationship. It's all in the spin.

The *incident* is a small snapshot of an entire relationship. It *looks* like he's being a selfish, uncaring prig but it's only one side of one incident.

agirl





(in reply to feastie)
Profile   Post #: 20
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