I need some advice

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

I need some advice

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> I need some advice

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

I need some advice - 10/8/2007 10:15:05 AM

ashleyo99

Posts: 6
Joined: 10/8/2007
Status: offline

Hello, I've been tryning my hand at being a domme for about a year now; my boyfriend is my sub and he used to domme over me and still does in our everyday life. So, to make a long story short when I'm domming its almost like hes still domming from the bottom. I need some helpful hints or advice to help my situation. Any good advice my relationship could depend on it. Thanks- Ash

Post #: 1

RE: I need some advice - 10/8/2007 11:00:56 AM

rob425

Posts: 154
Joined: 12/1/2005
Status: offline

Start with the simple rule is he doesn't get pleasure until you do. Now your personal pleasure can come from many ways. I know of a domme friend of my that could litreally orgasm from flogging her slave alone. Some might just want a massage before. or if this is a sexual relationship you might want to start controling when he gets sex more often and tease him so he always wants it.

(in reply to ashleyo99)

Post #: 2

RE: I need some advice - 10/8/2007 7:00:45 PM

HottLicks

Posts: 174
Joined: 9/21/2007
Status: offline

I would like to suggest you doing a search on many topics here. You can get a wealth of info here. Changing the dynamics of a relationship is a pretty hefty thing. You might want to post something like this in the switch section.

I think you might be getting a slow response to this for a couple of reasons. One, it's just plain hard to do and advise you in because there is little information and it is your relationship and two, because you seem new to things. When a male dominates, to shorten it would be he dom's you. Domme is a female dominant.

It might do you well to learn all you can before you get into such serious changes in the dynamics of a long term relationship. An hour of prevention can save months of undoing things.

Good luck to you both!

(in reply to rob425)

Post #: 3

RE: I need some advice - 10/8/2007 9:18:35 PM

AllforFun

Posts: 83
Joined: 4/5/2007
Status: offline

So your in control in the bedroom, but really your just fulfilling his fantasies.

What are your fantasies? They dont necessarily have to involve leather, cuffs, and a whip, but what do you like a partner to do for you? I think one of the important rules in "behaving more Domme" is trying to get your partner to do as you please. Remember it's about you, not him. If he complains, remind him of what he asked you to do (become more Domme) and continue.

He probably doesnt realise the can of worms he has opened, lol.

Also, you need a power exchange in your "everyday" life. Start by small things and work your way up(Make him bring you your tray for lunch, that sort of thing), you may scare him away otherwise. But definately start exerting your influence more, make your opinion clear, and make sure he is serving you and not the other way around.

Good luck!

(in reply to HottLicks)

Post #: 4

RE: I need some advice - 10/9/2007 10:24:37 AM

ocilla

Posts: 1764
Joined: 6/12/2007
Status: offline

Put him in a chastity device asap. Put the key somewhere that you will not be tempted in a weak moment to grab and release him....put it in your desk at work, send it to a friend and have them hold it and only send it back upon your request...that way nothing rash may occur. And then let him know that he will stay in the device till he understands that the way out is to please you in all aspects. Also...make him go nude always in the house. And you wear cloths. You can also hobble his feet a little. Have him serve you dinner and after you have eaten then he may eat....bascially you need to take it out of the bedroom for a while...in my opinion.

_____________________________

Ocilla

Nature is not a place to visit. It is home.
~ Gary Snyder

It takes a kinky village...

(in reply to AllforFun)

Post #: 5

RE: I need some advice - 10/9/2007 10:27:50 AM

ocilla

Posts: 1764
Joined: 6/12/2007
Status: offline

Yeah allforfun is correct...it is all about what you desire...what you want. for a while at least his needs are not even to be considered. You do not have to be mean...just put him in his place in a way that amuses you and does not really hurt him...and slowly ruminate on what turns you on and begin to go for it. He can bath you, dry you, do your pedi and mani, brush your hair, give you oral, serve you, sit at your feet, gie you massages......

_____________________________

Ocilla

Nature is not a place to visit. It is home.
~ Gary Snyder

It takes a kinky village...

(in reply to ocilla)

Post #: 6

RE: I need some advice - 10/9/2007 10:31:49 AM

ocilla

Posts: 1764
Joined: 6/12/2007
Status: offline

Oh and perhaps this blog/story could be of inspiration...you may not want to take it this far (lord knows I would be wanting to have the use of my man's cock more often than this) but this is a good story of a husband and wife shifting dynamic.

http://vanillaedge.wordpress.com/2007/05/17/not-the-usual-anniversary-present-1/

_____________________________

Ocilla

Nature is not a place to visit. It is home.
~ Gary Snyder

It takes a kinky village...

(in reply to ocilla)

Post #: 7

RE: I need some advice - 10/9/2007 10:35:02 AM

LadyLynx

Posts: 1098
Joined: 7/24/2007
Status: offline

Ocilla, some very good ideas and points

_____________________________

Our community maybe openminded as a whole, but it is still made up of individuals who bring in their own opinions,baggage and agendas!

Known as SwitchWitch in my local community,and on IRC Bondage.

I also go by the nic SwitchWitch on MDS.

(in reply to ocilla)

Post #: 8

RE: I need some advice - 10/9/2007 11:03:09 AM

GoddessDustyGold

Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
Status: offline

quote:

He probably doesnt realise the can of worms he has opened, lol.

This is the crux of it. Ashley, it sounds like you need to build your confidence and learn more. Until you find your comfort level it is difficult to be dominant with any success.
This is one of the situations where I would mentor with care. I have had a few local Ladies contact Me with this exact situation. It is not easy to switch roles and carry it through. Usually the Lady is unsure and the boy really doesn't want to sub except when he wants to and in his way.
I also suggest you two (both of you) get out to local events and munches. As the FemDom you need to network with other FemDoms and get a better feel for what being a 24/7 FemDom involves. It is much more than doing it his way in the bedroom.
Several good suggestions here on how to get started. But, in the end, it is up to you.

_____________________________

Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
B Franklin
Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
The Hidden Kingdom

(in reply to ashleyo99)

Post #: 9

RE: I need some advice - 10/9/2007 11:14:36 AM

GoddessDustyGold

Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ocilla

Put him in a chastity device asap. Put the key somewhere that you will not be tempted in a weak moment to grab and release him....put it in your desk at work, send it to a friend and have them hold it and only send it back upon your request...that way nothing rash may occur.

If you decide to use a locking chastity device (is there another effective kind? *Smile*) I would be careful about having the key too far away in case of emergency. An option would be to freeze the key. Using a large bottle (with a string) and freezing it in the middle of the ice block makes it inconvenient to get to, but can be quickly defrosted in an emergency. Just run very hot water. Or, alternatively, you can hide it somewhere inconvenient, so that you have to think about it and put yourself out to retrieve it, but it is still close enough at hand to provide release in an emergency.

_____________________________

Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
B Franklin
Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
The Hidden Kingdom

(in reply to ocilla)

Post #: 10

RE: I need some advice - 10/10/2007 2:03:47 PM

ashleyo99

Posts: 6
Joined: 10/8/2007
Status: offline

Thanks for all of the helpful hints everyone.

(in reply to GoddessDustyGold)

Post #: 11

RE: I need some advice - 10/10/2007 2:11:12 PM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

Do you enjoy this? Do you like him having control in daily life and also having the focus on him during sex? Because that's what's striking me here, that he's getting what he wants but you don't say anything about what you want.

Yes, you can get technical information about sex, and certainly starting with a blindfold and gag so he can't tell you what to do is a start. But you don't say if this is what you want to do, if this is a way of life that appeals to you.

Personally I'm submissive both in the bedroom and out of it. But that's me and I know it, so I went looking for a man who enjoyed control overall, not just in one arena. If you aren't happy with the status quo, and you don't sound it, then you need to decide for yourself what you need in a relationship. And only after that sit down with him and tell him what you are and aren't willing to do, and what is and isn't satisfying for you. And then with both people's needs out on the table comes the discussion and the brainstorming to try to find a situation that serves both your needs.

Even if that situation is opening the relationship or even ending it, it will be better than remaining in an unsatisfying one.

(in reply to ashleyo99)

Post #: 12

RE: I need some advice - 10/10/2007 2:51:03 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

It sounds like you've gotten some good advice so far. In My view, you have created quite the situation for yourself. He used to "domme" you and now you're attempting to "domme" him. (Btw, Dear, it's Domme for you and Dom when he's in charge.) Well, there's confusion to begin with about who's really in control here. Are you really the guiding force, or is this a way for him to live out his fantasy, and still top from the bottom?

For starters, knowledge, My friend, is power. It's time for you to strike out on your own and expand what you are doing here. Seek out other types of learning and information. There are certain books that are highly recommended for those starting out. There isn't enough that can be said for getting involved in your local BDSM community. Learn as much as you can. Shift the power. Take it out of his hands, and put it into yours.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to ashleyo99)

Post #: 13

RE: I need some advice - 10/10/2007 9:49:06 PM

QueensWay

Posts: 22
Joined: 7/17/2007
Status: offline

Hmmm, I 'd suggest starting extremely simply. The first thing to do is to find a way to get yourself into a dominating frame of mind. After you do that the rest will probably follow into place fairly easily. It is all about the power exchange. When your on the top, your the person with the control. You decide what to do, and how to go about doing it. I would suggest something simple and comfortable for you. What kind of toys do you have? Kink can be found around the house. Use your imagination! What kind of room is available to play in? Are there any violations in the house? All of those things play a factor. Just experiment with things and see where you end up.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 14

RE: I need some advice - 10/10/2007 11:28:05 PM

LadyTeazer

Posts: 225
Joined: 4/1/2007
Status: offline

I agree with the suggestions you have been given thus far, Ashley.   Learn as much as you can -- by reading books written by Domme's, by reading fantasy stories of FemDom's (to get some ideas on what you can do to/with your sub), and especially by networking with your local BDSM group.   My local group is great -- and they have just begun an on-going series of monthly seminars on BDSM topics. Locking your b/f in a MCD will shift his focus to "you" and away from his own pleasures. And CFnm has long been a favorite of Mine -- really humbles a boy to be placed and kept in that situation.

I have one very important question for you, Ashley, and it is a critical one.   Are you seeking to learn to be a Domme because it is what ~YOU~ want to do? Or (and I suspect this is the case) are you doing this because your "sub" wants you to?

The reason I am asking you to answer that question honestly is because the last line in your post raised a *RED FLAG* for Me. You said that your relationship could depend on this (you being a Domme).   You even suspected that your b/f could be topping from below because he wants you to dominate him.   Listen to what your gut/instinct is trying to tell you about this situation -- it is rarely wrong. I admit that I do not have much R/T experience Myself, (but that is happily changing, since I recently collared My boy!), but My instincts to pick up on things is pretty sharp.

I am not trying to be negative about your situation, but just offering a different point of view for you to consider.

Lady Teazer -- proud Owner of saberwulf34
and ~still~ a WOW -- Wonderful Older Woman

(in reply to QueensWay)

Post #: 15

RE: I need some advice - 10/11/2007 1:45:23 AM

MsLilac

Posts: 151
Joined: 5/31/2007
Status: offline

You have been given some very good advice. These boards are a wealth of information, try your local scene, read etc.

You are asking very difficult questions, which for me raises more questions than answers. But the main question I feel you need to ask yourself is, what do you want…for yourself? Seriously give this some thought. And there in lays your answer.

From what I can gather, your sub is your bottom, and you his top? This is fine, as long as this is both what you really want. From what you are saying you now want a more authentic power exchange inside and outside of playing?

This will be difficult if he is not that way inclined, and if you haven’t the confidence within yourself yet to do it, that will make it doubly hard. Have you talked about this with him? Has he indicate he is open for a deeper power exchange? Do you actually want to dominate him? It’s back to that question, do you want to dominate him, for your own pleasure, and not fear of losing him? Keep asking yourself this.

Assuming he is consensual to a deeper power exchange and you want that also, then I suggest that you set yourself clear goals and structure (as he sounds like a handful lol). I recommend introducing it gently and gradually, but be prepared to deal with some rebellion and tantrums, which could easily knock your burgeoning confidence and steer both of you off your goals.

Part of setting clear goals is identifying what you enjoy; reading, and experimenting can help with this. Whilst his needs are obviously important, don’t pander to them at the cost of your own, which it seems like you are doing.

I wish you the best. May I ask why your relationship may depend on this?

< Message edited by MsLilac -- 10/11/2007 2:00:19 AM >

_____________________________

I’m sorry, I don’t do autographs

(in reply to ashleyo99)

Post #: 16

RE: I need some advice - 10/11/2007 10:43:31 AM

taomlin

Posts: 1
Joined: 6/9/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ocilla
Put him in a chastity device asap. Put the key somewhere that you will not be tempted in a weak moment to grab and release him....put it in your desk at work, send it to a friend and have them hold it and only send it back upon your request...that way nothing rash may occur.

Ocilla, thank you for the kind words about my stories. I have some fiction mixed with some real-life anedotes on my blog.

As it happens, my wife would leave the key in her desk at work, especially at first, so as to avoid temptation or "feeling sorry for me." But since we decided that having emergecy access was important, I wrapped a second key in duct tape and had her sign both sides. I poked a hole in the top and kept it on my keyring - it couldn't be unwrapped without disturbing the writing or tearing the tape. Fortunately, I've never had to use it.

_____________________________

Tom Allen
The Edge of Vanilla

(in reply to ocilla)

Post #: 17

RE: I need some advice - 10/11/2007 10:54:35 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

http://www.amazon.com/Sexually-Dominant-Woman-Workbook-Beginners/dp/1890159115/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/105-3675104-4250825?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1192125237&sr=8-1

I think you'll find this a good introductory guide that will focus on you and your comfort first.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to ashleyo99)

Post #: 18

RE: I need some advice - 10/11/2007 3:25:45 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ashleyo99

Hello, I've been tryning my hand at being a domme for about a year now; my boyfriend is my sub and he used to domme over me and still does in our everyday life. So, to make a long story short when I'm domming its almost like hes still domming from the bottom. I need some helpful hints or advice to help my situation. Any good advice my relationship could depend on it. Thanks- Ash

Well it would hard for him to do that with a gag, blinfold and restraints wouldn't it? However, consider this, does he truly desire to submit emotionally? Or does he just enjoy more of a "role play" type play with some submissive activities. You can't make a person be submissive if they are not.
l

(in reply to ashleyo99)

Post #: 19

RE: I need some advice - 10/11/2007 6:30:36 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

By 'Domming' do you mean Topping? I'm clarifying only for myself; they are different for me. If he's always giving advice as you're doing something, the easiest way to stop that is with a gag. Then, make it clear you are doing what you want and he has to deal (unless it crosses a limit).

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to ashleyo99)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> I need some advice

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.090