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Any advice is helpful... - 10/9/2007 12:27:58 AM

DefiantDiala

Posts: 7
Joined: 10/8/2007
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Before I tell my situation, let it be known that the man I seek advice about, I truly love and would never do anything to bring harm to him. But..

We've been together for three years. I told him the night that we met and in our following dates that I was submissive and that I was seeking a partner who could match my passion for the adventures that the "lifestyle" has to offer. He told me he was fine with that and worked very hard to explore the feelings he had been holding back through 2 very bad marriages. Well, soon after, pregnancy occured. We had a beautiful little girl.

After our daughter was born, all forms of dominance came to a halt. It's as if he has lost all interest. He severely lacks follow through and consistancy. I've spoken with him many times over the last two years that my needs are no longer being met. When I do, everything is good for maybe 2 weeks. Then ker-plunk. I go back to being ignored and unsatisfied. Should I continue to put these feelings on hold and hope he gets better with a little encouragement or just stop beating my head against a wall?

Thank you in advance for the advice.

Post #: 1

RE: Any advice is helpful... - 10/9/2007 12:46:13 AM

kittish

Posts: 10
Joined: 10/8/2007
Status: offline

Have you tried asking him why he loses interest in D/s? Perhaps he's under enough stress from work and home life that he just doesn't have the energy left for it? Or maybe he's discovered that his interest in D/s was a passing thing.
And/or have you considered the possibility of seeking the dominance you need from some other source? Perhaps a Dom that you visit once a month (or more or less frequently depending on your situation).

(in reply to DefiantDiala)

Post #: 2

RE: Any advice is helpful... - 10/9/2007 12:46:15 AM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

Unfortunately, this is way more common than is usually admitted. It's also unfortunate that you'll have to make a decision on whether or not you can live life with the man behind the mask. He is what he is and he can only keep up the pretense for so long before the masks slips and his true nature is revealed to you. How many times you allow that nature to stare at you before you make your decision is up to you. You'll probably get a whole lot of responses telling you to talk, talk, talk.. but talking isn't going to change his nature. You can't 'make' him be what you want him to be.. he can only be what he is. Is that going to feed you? Is it going to fulfill you?

You're the only one who can answer those sorts of questions.

I wish you the very best of luck and I'm sorry that I can't be of help to you.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to DefiantDiala)

Post #: 3

RE: Any advice is helpful... - 10/9/2007 1:31:30 AM

Owner4SexSlave

Posts: 1311
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline

The Good news, is that what you are going through is not all that uncommon, after couples get married and have a kid.   The reason vary, but they all are because of major life changes.   For many couples they tend to focus more upon their new born baby, priorties change to make certain that the baby recieves the love, attention and care it needs.

I can only toss out ideas here at best. I am by no means an expect but will share with you things I am aware of.    Some guys, feel as if they are being selfish if they do anything that takes time away from their child.   They simply do not want assert themselves and have it rob their child of your attention.   Also guys will tend to back off and let the Mother do mothering. Why? because it's somewhat of a natural instinct for men to do this. Basically, Mmm... how to put this.. Mothers know how to best take care of their child. Again, just thoughts on what is going on.

You also were the one that carried that Baby inside of your for all those monthes, that baby is a part of you. He's might not be so willing assert himself in any Domly fashion that will come between you and your daughter. Generally, this happens because the man truely and deeply loves the child.

Now, I'm no Dr. Phil here. But you guys need to try to make time for just the two of you. Does not have to be a lot. However, you need to be able to reconnect with D/s, intimancy, or just good old fashioned affection.   I would instead of looking for D/s to long lasting and strong for a few weeks, see if you can get just a daily dose of it. Here and there. Might be easier to achieve at this point in time.  Trying to Maintain higher levels of D/s 24/7 might only be sitting both you and him up for disspointment or let down.   My thoughts are to lower your expectations for him to be able to maintain the D/s roles you had before. Look for it in smaller consistent doses on a daily or even on/off every week. Verses trying to Maintain full D/s.

Both you and him have a hell of a lot of adjusting to do. Just try to capture the moments when you both can. Does not take a lot of time for one to whisper wicked things in each other ears. Perhaps threaten to spank ass, or whatever else. Perhaps some quicky play... where he gets to play Dom/Master ordering his slave to perform oral.   Small little moments, call it mirco scene play.   In terms of D/s itself for the relationship aspects, again he might feel he should let you be in charge of raising the baby, while he goes off and works.   Actually a Dom backing off so as to not detract from a womens role of playing a mother is a sort of Domly thing to do.   He probally see's that you have a lot on your hands, and does not want to be having you serve him.  Where he does not want to overwhelm you with trying to meet his requests, because face it you have a baby that has a lot of requests right now.   There's only so much of you that can serve two people.   Again, I'm no expert. I'm just tossing things out your way.

If anything, I'm giving you thoughts that you can explore or talk about with him. Need to communicate and work at capturing D/s aspects when you both can do it.

Most vanilla couples go through the same thing when a new born baby arrives. However, it's about being intimate in general. Men tend to back off from being assertive and demanding with the mother of their baby. As the baby grows older these imediate demands change, basically the more self reliant a child becomes... the more apt men are at reasserting themselves.

Hope this helps or is useful in some way. Again, I'm no expert on this matter.

(in reply to DefiantDiala)

Post #: 4

RE: Any advice is helpful... - 10/9/2007 1:35:55 AM

obis

Posts: 412
Joined: 9/9/2005
From: Austin, TX, USA
Status: offline

My major question is, how long were you together and satisfied with the D/s before the pregnancy? It sounds like a brief period (months?), so it may be that he was interested in d/s but eventually found it wasn't what he wanted full-time. If it was a longer period, and only the pregnancy caused the change, it's a very common situation in general for men to see and relate to their wives differently as sexual beings after a pregnancy (and vice-versa).

Ask your pediatrician for a referral to a therapist with experience in these sexual changes after pregnancy -- your doctor will certainly have seen it many times before. It's essentially a problem where the guy sees his wife as a "mommy" rather than as a sexual partner. He may just need help integrating this new side of you into his perception of who you are.

(in reply to BitaTruble)

Post #: 5

RE: Any advice is helpful... - 10/9/2007 1:55:56 AM

DefiantDiala

Posts: 7
Joined: 10/8/2007
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My sincere apologies to everyone who has read this post. I was so caught up in getting advice and thinking exactly what my problem is that I gave the impression that our daughter is with us. She is not. She was given up at birth for adoption to a very loving, happy family that can provide her with the things we coud not, as a couple and as individuals. It has been 2 years since she was born. Again, I am truly sorry for not adding that in. I meant no deception if any is percieved.

(in reply to obis)

Post #: 6

RE: Any advice is helpful... - 10/9/2007 2:03:01 AM

hisannabelle

Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
Status: offline

greetings diala,

given the information you have just added in...it seems to me that he may be suffering from depression and loss of interest perhaps due to his feelings over the adoption. have you sought counseling (separately and/or together)? if this has been going on for a long time (two years!) it is indicative of a much bigger problem to me.

if you have not sought counseling together AND separately...please do so. please urge him to do so. if he refuses to do what is necessary to help the relationship, then it becomes your decision whether to leave. but this sounds like something that is much more deeply rooted than him simply losing interest in bdsm.

i understand that i am working on very limited knowledge of the situation, and my advice may be way off the mark; please pardon me if i'm way off or am being presumptuous. i hope it helps. best of luck to you both.

respectfully,
annabelle.

_____________________________

a'ishah (the artist formerly known as annabelle)
i have the kind of beauty that moves...

(in reply to DefiantDiala)

Post #: 7

RE: Any advice is helpful... - 10/9/2007 4:00:42 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

He's not gonna "get better" - NOT being actively dominant is normal for him. Doubtless with the best of intentions, he adopted the dominant role to please you and meet your needs etc. I honestly believe he thought it was just kink that you'd probably get over with time.

You can still love him; love each other etc, but I think it inevitable that if you keep putting it on him to be something/someone he's consistently demonstrating he isn't, your relationship will disintergrate. He loves you; he tried to please you - but he's out of his comfort zone in doing so and Nature predictably re-centres him.

Time for mutually honest communication.

Focus.

(in reply to DefiantDiala)

Post #: 8

RE: Any advice is helpful... - 10/9/2007 4:09:39 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

I agree with Focus 50. As for finding a Dom on the side that will not work for you. You need to cut your ties and move on. You will eventualy do it anyway.

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 9

RE: Any advice is helpful... - 10/9/2007 4:24:51 AM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

There are two mian aspects of this as far as I can see at first consideratin.
The first is just how difficult it is to combine kids within the lifestyle. Subconsciously I suppose we all want to proect our children from our sexuality and more so from our kink whichever way we try to think about it rationally.
How do you arrange to be whacked almost to screaming point with kids in the house? How do you agrre to face slapping, whacks at screaming point, wax play and being strung up from the ceiling when the kids might see? It's the same with vocal vanilla sex....sexual libido of any nature cools after child birth.
Secondly how long was it a bdsm rlationship before children? It takes two to tango. (Ah of only kids were equally consensual....) I mean did he want, expect and agree with you that the new family would happen? Was it a vanilla relationship in disguise for him because you were a mommy machine? See my point here?
He could be feeling some of these issues even if you are not. Forget the kids play room plans, turn it into a play room for the two of you and sit down and discuss our needs more fully with hm outside of play.
Best of all possible wishes.

< Message edited by Prinsexx -- 10/9/2007 4:26:31 AM >

(in reply to DefiantDiala)

Post #: 10

RE: Any advice is helpful... - 10/9/2007 4:44:11 AM

chellekitty

Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline

pssst Prinny...no kids...read the whole thread

umm i am with the harsh camp here...if your needs are not being met, move on...if you don't need to move on, then they are not a need, they are a want...suck it up, quit whining...sorry to have to put it that way....but....you have put up with it for 2 years....this relationship has been going on for 3...not to minimalize...but not everyone is meant to be in our lives forever....either he is...or he was meant to serve a pupose in your life for a certain amount of time...sounds like you need to do a lot of soul searching...and i guess...before you move on, if that is where you are leaning towards...have you used the three most important relationship tools? communication, communication and communication? cause no matter how much you talk to us, it won't do a damned bit of good for your relationship with him....

good luck...
chelle

_____________________________

One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve. ~Albert Schweitzer

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 11

RE: Any advice is helpful... - 10/9/2007 4:59:18 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

Your initial opening mentions that he was working through feelings he held back from in his previous marriages.
This indicates he does have a interest (to me) however it may not be dominant in the whole 24/7 sense and you may have to decide that your love for him can accept that he may be more top orientated or not as 'dominant' as you would hope for. That is purely your decision.

I also echo obis in the thought of a councillor or theraphy. Some men do have a problem with the whole mother/lover and madonna/whore complex. Not suggesting he has that, but there maybe some underlying thoughts in his head that now you are the mother of his child, that might put his view of you in a different light. I would sit down with him and ask him straight out if he does view you differently now and communicate to him you are still the same woman and submissive he first met.

I really wish you well. Lots of talking and communication. BDSM relationships can work when you have children... it's just an extra piece of the puzzle you have to work through... maybe he has concerns of the future with this subject so talk with him about it.

All I can suggest is that you keep talking.

Peace
the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to DefiantDiala)

Post #: 12

RE: Any advice is helpful... - 10/9/2007 5:01:10 AM

givemyall

Posts: 620
Joined: 12/3/2005
Status: offline

Hi,

Personally I think that if you offer any man the chance at a bit of kink they will normally snap you up, until they realise that its actually hard work and not for them.

You asking him to be something he is not, is like him expecting you to be something you are not and its obvious from this post that this option just isn't working for you. You haven't got the problem of having to imagine being in his shoes as you already are - one of you has to change or move on.

I hope you get it sorted.

(in reply to DefiantDiala)

Post #: 13

RE: Any advice is helpful... - 10/9/2007 5:53:39 AM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline

aloha,

this may sound odd but i dont think the jury is in on weather this is in him or not, i can see a situation where it could perhaps be cultivated.

have you been to any public partys or events?

what was the heart of his interest when you did explore?

we simply dont have enough info to know why he is not as active, there could be depression or overwhelm as some have said or it could be he simply does not really know how and could use some lifestyle friends and mentors to help him see the bigger picture.

if you dont have the answers to what he was drawn to originally and why for two weeks things are good then fall of, then you cant procede from here, you need to know before you can decide weather to move on.

i would take him out to dinner, and in a relaxed atmosphere i would ask him to explore whats reallly going on, i would tell him you will be moving on if you cant get your needs met, and tell him that you would like to look very seriously at solutions, which by the way starts with you knowing yourself too

why are you drawn? what do you need? and why do you let it slack after 2 weeks?

_____________________________

Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."

(in reply to givemyall)

Post #: 14

RE: Any advice is helpful... - 10/9/2007 6:08:11 AM

breatheasone

Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline

Could he be feeling guilty about not having Y'alls daughter in your life? Have Y'all talked about councelling ?

_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

(in reply to DefiantDiala)

Post #: 15

RE: Any advice is helpful... - 10/9/2007 8:36:54 AM

toservez

Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

Unfortunately, this is way more common than is usually admitted. It's also unfortunate that you'll have to make a decision on whether or not you can live life with the man behind the mask. He is what he is and he can only keep up the pretense for so long before the masks slips and his true nature is revealed to you. How many times you allow that nature to stare at you before you make your decision is up to you. You'll probably get a whole lot of responses telling you to talk, talk, talk.. but talking isn't going to change his nature. You can't 'make' him be what you want him to be.. he can only be what he is. Is that going to feed you? Is it going to fulfill you?

You're the only one who can answer those sorts of questions.

I wish you the very best of luck and I'm sorry that I can't be of help to you.

Celeste

I love this post.

At some point when two people are together long enough the relationship and the people in it become it is what it is situation.

If you think there is still hope that with communication and mutual effort that this area of need of yours will get fulfilled again then obviously you should continue to try. If you think it is just not in him or he will not put in the effort then your decision is if you can live a happy life without the D/s and with this man or not.

Lin

_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to BitaTruble)

Post #: 16

RE: Any advice is helpful... - 10/9/2007 9:53:46 AM

pleasureforck

Posts: 95
Joined: 7/2/2007
Status: offline

Maybe he saw it as exploring a fantasy and never expected it to become a permanent part of your relationship. Him dominating for a while than stopping sounds like he's only doing it to please you not because it's what he wants or because he's naturally dominant. My SO is dominant by nature. He can't turn that on and off anymore than I can turn my submissive nature on and off. Of course sometimes he's less dominant or I am less submissive but never do we stop being who we are.

_____________________________

I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not

(in reply to toservez)

Post #: 17

RE: Any advice is helpful... - 10/9/2007 10:39:16 AM

BeingChewsie

Posts: 1633
Joined: 10/27/2005
Status: offline

I agree with this 100%. I think if you read one response here more than once let is be this one and let it sink in. Good luck.

quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

Unfortunately, this is way more common than is usually admitted. It's also unfortunate that you'll have to make a decision on whether or not you can live life with the man behind the mask. He is what he is and he can only keep up the pretense for so long before the masks slips and his true nature is revealed to you. How many times you allow that nature to stare at you before you make your decision is up to you. You'll probably get a whole lot of responses telling you to talk, talk, talk.. but talking isn't going to change his nature. You can't 'make' him be what you want him to be.. he can only be what he is. Is that going to feed you? Is it going to fulfill you?

You're the only one who can answer those sorts of questions.

I wish you the very best of luck and I'm sorry that I can't be of help to you.

Celeste

_____________________________

"In fact, it is my contention that most women are accepting of way less than optimal circumstance constantly, and are lucky to be 'snagged' by the right man, if ever. But it is more by happy accident than by their design. "
~Ron and Hup

(in reply to BitaTruble)

Post #: 18

RE: Any advice is helpful... - 10/9/2007 12:30:17 PM

DefiantDiala

Posts: 7
Joined: 10/8/2007
Status: offline

Thank you for everyone in the community for offering their advice. He has read this thread and it seems the posts asking questions have really opened his mind about what is going on with him. I want to especially thank Breatheasone, as your comment about possible guilt lead to a few confessions from him that I hadn't known, much less thought of. I think the long term effects of giving our first child up for adoption has had a far greater impact on him then it has on me. So thank you, to everyone for opening up our minds to questions we would probably never have thought about. He has agreed to seek counseling and to sit down with me in a serious manor and discuss both of our needs and/or possible solutions if one of us is not able to meet the others. For those interested, I'll keep updating as time goes by and how things turn out.

Sincerely,
DefiantDiala

< Message edited by DefiantDiala -- 10/9/2007 12:58:52 PM >

(in reply to BeingChewsie)

Post #: 19

RE: Any advice is helpful... - 10/9/2007 3:56:56 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

While I agree that only talk can go so far and there's no changing his essential "level"- the TYPE of talk can make a huge difference. Exactly WHY does it only last for two weeks? How does HE feel at the end of that time?

And making decisions on ACTIONS are incredibly important as well- decide on specific actions for you both to do for two weeks which you feel would be enjoyable and good for you to do and then revisit them IN two weeks. Then do it again- feel free to throw away things that aren't working and start again.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to DefiantDiala)

Post #: 20

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