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Honestly, where do you draw the line? - 10/9/2007 4:16:49 PM

unsung

Posts: 183
Joined: 12/23/2006
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I don't know what it is, I don't know if it is right, I don't know what my reaction should be. I start talking with dominants and within a few weeks with most if not all I have begun discussions with are requesting that I provide them with my deepest darkest desires aka fantasies. I enjoy writing when inspired and enjoy writing sensual stories, however when it starts becoming a request from dominants that hardly know me, I am put off. Now honestly this has happened a half dozen times in the last week with men I have exchanged one maybe 2 emails with......... and another I am suppose to meet this up coming weekend was crying almost in desperation for me to feed him this wanking material. Now I am honestly asking, is this normal, is this something that is expected of a submissive right out of the gate. My gut is telling me it is not right, my mind has me extremely mixed up on this. I have stepped back from the one dominant I am suppose to meet this weekend because although I wish to find someone, I refuse to be used for the sole purpose of providing to a one sided relationship.

We all define our wants differently, please respect my choices prior to slamming me because you might feel I am topping from the bottom, or not submitting to the dom as a good little submissive should; as each of the correspondence I refer to are 1 to 2 emails, or with a week or two of intial contact.

I just want to or need an indication that the way I am feeling about this is on par within the real expectations of developing a d/s dynamic.

Thank you for feedback in advance.

Post #: 1

RE: Honestly, where do you draw the line? - 10/9/2007 4:26:53 PM

SixFootMaster

Posts: 829
Joined: 9/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: unsung

I don't know what it is, I don't know if it is right, I don't know what my reaction should be. I start talking with dominants and within a few weeks with most if not all I have begun discussions with are requesting that I provide them with my deepest darkest desires aka fantasies. I enjoy writing when inspired and enjoy writing sensual stories, however when it starts becoming a request from dominants that hardly know me, I am put off. Now honestly this has happened a half dozen times in the last week with men I have exchanged one maybe 2 emails with......... and another I am suppose to meet this up coming weekend was crying almost in desperation for me to feed him this wanking material. Now I am honestly asking, is this normal, is this something that is expected of a submissive right out of the gate. My gut is telling me it is not right, my mind has me extremely mixed up on this. I have stepped back from the one dominant I am suppose to meet this weekend because although I wish to find someone, I refuse to be used for the sole purpose of providing to a one sided relationship.

We all define our wants differently, please respect my choices prior to slamming me because you might feel I am topping from the bottom, or not submitting to the dom as a good little submissive should; as each of the correspondence I refer to are 1 to 2 emails, or with a week or two of intial contact.

I just want to or need an indication that the way I am feeling about this is on par within the real expectations of developing a d/s dynamic.

Thank you for feedback in advance.

Many times this is done to gauge the nature of the girl, while every girl is differnet there are archetypes and the fantasies a girl holds deepest are reflective of which she fits most, since they are a reflection of her psyche. It's a useful tool, however it has it's bad points definitely since some use those fantasies to attempt to manipulate the girl into thinking they are something they are not.

(in reply to unsung)

Post #: 2

RE: Honestly, where do you draw the line? - 10/9/2007 5:00:35 PM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline

a sword is a powerful effective weapon when needing to defeat an enemy, but to chop garlic its not as good.

the tool of asking for fantasies is a valid and useful tool but it would seem that those that are using it in your life are somewhat clumsy and awkward with it and perhaps using it prematurely.

and too the fault does lie with you at least in part, a dom that asks is not only gauging who you are, and where you are by what you write but also by how you handle this request...you can navigate his request in a way that allows him to see that you are distressed and intimidated or offended....but it does not sound like you do that.

_____________________________

Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."

(in reply to SixFootMaster)

Post #: 3

RE: Honestly, where do you draw the line? - 10/9/2007 5:07:06 PM

Tigrita

Posts: 484
Joined: 8/16/2007
From: California
Status: offline

Mmm Hmmm. Definitely experienced this. It is a big turn off for me unless there is a lot of other substantial personality connection in the mix. I do think sexual compatibility is really important, and that there is no reason to wait too long to feel eachother out that way, but when they are making no effort to get mentally/emotionally acquainted they are not going to get anywhere with me. Usually little hints and flirting, and even non-sexy conversation can sus out sexual compatibility and potential without spewing all the kinky, wankable details in one's head.

It goes for meets too. Seems like there is a push to play really quickly. Doesn't make much sense to me if you're looking for something deeper. Hm, well, okay, so Stephan used a knife on my back the first day we met... but, he's different ;)

_____________________________

~ Tigrita

There is no right path, only the path you take.

Success is making life happen, versus just letting life happen to you.

"Many of the things I enjoy, I enjoy because I don't enjoy them." - Charlotte

(in reply to SixFootMaster)

Post #: 4

RE: Honestly, where do you draw the line? - 10/9/2007 5:20:08 PM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

If it feels wrong to you, then chances are it IS wrong.

Do what you feel is right; not what others think you should be doing just so you can prove how submissive you are to them.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to unsung)

Post #: 5

RE: Honestly, where do you draw the line? - 10/9/2007 5:27:37 PM

Cuffkinks

Posts: 1780
Joined: 5/5/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

a sword is a powerful effective weapon when needing to defeat an enemy, but to chop garlic its not as good.

the tool of asking for fantasies is a valid and useful tool but it would seem that those that are using it in your life are somewhat clumsy and awkward with it and perhaps using it prematurely.

and too the fault does lie with you at least in part, a dom that asks is not only gauging who you are, and where you are by what you write but also by how you handle this request...you can navigate his request in a way that allows him to see that you are distressed and intimidated or offended....but it does not sound like you do that.

I agree with Tigress. In particular, what she said about a Dom gauging you not just by the requests he makes but by how you handle them. Many Doms will "test" a submissive initially to see if there is compatability. I know I for one, do just that. Whether or not this tool is being used properly, or prematurely, or if it even works on you...That is up to you to work out with your prospective Dom. If you feel uncomfortable with the request for any reason, let Him know how you feel. He doesn't just want to know what your fantasies are, He also wants to know how his requests effect you. He wants your thoughts, not just your fantasies.

_____________________________

Resident "11"

"I love you, Sir. You make my heart sing and my panties wet. What more could a girl ask for?" - hejira92

"And that's why it's good to be...Me." - Gene $immons

(in reply to crouchingtigress)

Post #: 6

RE: Honestly, where do you draw the line? - 10/9/2007 5:34:07 PM

truesub4u

Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

<Fast Reply>

I know when I first joined CM I got loads of e-mails. And the most of them were all wanting to know my sexual fantasies. Another part of them wanted to demmand of me from the get go. Like I should of bowed down before them right from the get go. I got a lot of laughs from the most of them. I either sent back some smart ass remarks.. or just ignored them.
If someone who was trying to get up with me couldn't take the time to get to know me... for me first.. was a waste of my time... the hell with his.

I think that not only should a submissive/slave ...but a dom and or master (what ever one decides to call themselves)... should prove too there's more to them than just a dominant game player. They too have to show that they're insterested in other things in life. From local to world news. Knowing what books they like to read.... hobbies... LIFE. If they show they're only interested in dominance... then they weren't the ones for me. And there's no reason for my time to be wasted.

So I guess my line got drawned early on.. lots of times....LOL. Hell I even thought the same thing of MyyOwn when he first decided he wanted me as his. Just when I thought my line was drawn.. he would take a different direction to keep me interested. He listened to me when I told him there was more to me than being his pain slave. And trust me.. I didn't feel he did that at first either. It took time. And we're still working on it too.

So though there are alot of idiots out there... don't over look the one who isn't as dumb as he seems. I know it can be hard to spot them sometimes. So if they can keep your interest long than 2-3 e-mails BEFORE they try to talk sex and dominate you.... all I can say is...... GOOD LUCK to you....

_____________________________

Wisdom is knowing what to do next, Skill is knowing how to do it, and Virtue is doing it.

(in reply to Tigrita)

Post #: 7

RE: Honestly, where do you draw the line? - 10/9/2007 6:22:09 PM

wewantaslave

Posts: 32
Status: offline

Ya, I would be uncomfortably sharing things that intimate with a stranger. lol Go with your gut. Sounds like they just want to get off. WE have subs and slaves that request our desires and its justs to get their rocks off. So we do no cyber sex with initial contacts. That pretty much leaves nothing, but its better than wasting our time. :)

(in reply to truesub4u)

Post #: 8

RE: Honestly, where do you draw the line? - 10/9/2007 6:58:06 PM

txgirlneedsister

Posts: 19
Joined: 10/3/2007
Status: offline

I hate the whole "Whats your fantasy" question. Even better is the "So what are you into?" It's all so annoying. If they would take the time to talk and get to know us they would eventually earn the trust needed to expose thoes fantasies. I dunno most just want to hear it to get off on it.

(in reply to wewantaslave)

Post #: 9

RE: Honestly, where do you draw the line? - 10/9/2007 7:03:47 PM

HisSongstress

Posts: 103
Joined: 3/2/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: txgirlneedsister
... Even better is the "So what are you into?" It's all so annoying. .....

Yep, I hate that. So when they ask "What are you into?" I tell them "oh a size 12 or a 14 now." When they ask me "So what do you like?" I say "mint choclate chip ice cream." I have answered their question and kept my dignity intact.

best!

song

_____________________________

"More, please." ....Oliver Twist

Before discovering bdsm, my motto was "Like me or bite me." But here, everyone seems to think that is an invitation.

(in reply to txgirlneedsister)

Post #: 10

RE: Honestly, where do you draw the line? - 10/9/2007 7:04:21 PM

HottLicks

Posts: 174
Joined: 9/21/2007
Status: offline

I write too and have had this happen a lot. Whether it is legitimate and they want to know your kink to see if you fit one another or not, your writing can be very personal and if you don't feel like sharing it, don't. Even though your writing can be personal, it is also not always your kink that you write about. I think you have a legitimate reason to say something to the effect of... My writing isn't who I am and I would rather discuss who I am with you. Testing can come in many forms, it doesn't have to be sexual. List what you like on your profile, details come after trust has been built and clearly you don't have the trust factors in place if you feel uncomfortable. This isn't a race... take your time and if they won't... let them pass you by because someone who will respect you will come along.

You might also tell them they may read them if they pay the going rate.

I don 't think a dominant almost crying to see your writing is an indicator of anything but a wanker who doesn't want to do what's needed to get his own wanking material either at the going rate or by being a strong and worthy dominant. lol... omg... have I heard it all now?

Also... just a hint... if your writing isn't protected... I wouldn't share it with anyone until it is unless you don't care. I have some I share my writing with and yes, some do wank to it... lol... but they aren't trying to get in my pants at the same time!

Good luck to you! Happy writing!

(in reply to wewantaslave)

Post #: 11

RE: Honestly, where do you draw the line? - 10/9/2007 7:24:37 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

You need to work on your initial screening process. Within a year or so you should be able to spot any dork within about 20 cyber paces and easily avoid them.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to HottLicks)

Post #: 12

RE: Honestly, where do you draw the line? - 10/9/2007 7:31:13 PM

RRafe

Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline

It's not used for "wank material". These man honestly want to know how compatable you are.

By getting you to write a story-they see if it's something they can do-or want to do. I admit that it's a bit of a short cut-but it also helps to weed out wannabes who claim expreince-but have none. It's very frustrating to have your time wasted-when you really would like to have a real life partner that you could have a sort of special intimacy with. We have NO idea of who is really behind that screen name-until you give us a view inside of your mind.

Let's face it, a lot of us get burned by fakes here. But not many tops will admit to being jerked around like that. It seems more a sub thing to do.

_____________________________

I seem to be some wierd combination of Ren and Stimpy

(in reply to unsung)

Post #: 13

RE: Honestly, where do you draw the line? - 10/9/2007 7:35:15 PM

unsung

Posts: 183
Joined: 12/23/2006
Status: offline

To everyone that responded, okay I need time to filter your views. You each contributed some excellent and valid points I need to digest. Thank you very much for your input :)

(in reply to HottLicks)

Post #: 14

RE: Honestly, where do you draw the line? - 10/9/2007 7:51:50 PM

TemptingNviceSub

Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline

Everyone draws a different line in the sand...and that line is YOUR comfort level..but you can always respond with politeness whilst still refusing their request..and then depending on how THEY handle this refusal is where you can sort out the wheat from the chaff so to speak...Tempting

_____________________________

I have greatly enjoyed the second blooming...suddenly you find at the age of 50, that a whole new life has opened before you.........Agatha Christie.

You must make tracks into the unknown~~Thoreau

(in reply to unsung)

Post #: 15

RE: Honestly, where do you draw the line? - 10/9/2007 8:28:36 PM

CutieMouse

Posts: 81
Status: offline

Your profile states-

"He is understanding enough to know that life's realities do exist beyond fantasies, and that fantasies do have the power to become reality with the foundation of trust and mutual respect."

... which leads me to belive the men contacting you are reading your profile (at least the first paragraph or so), and may be trying to figure out what makes you tick. Your profile states you are interested in Dominant men, but there isn't a list of personal interests, BDSM interests, etc... some of that is burried in paragraph four, but it's the generic cage/cross/whip sorts of things, which doesn't necessarily express what makes you, you.

When you discuss the kinky elephant standing in the corner is up to you, and I do understand the reluctance to do so early on (I'm terribly picky about who gets such information, myself), but it might just be that the men who are contacting you are seeking out a bit more information, to decide if you are someone with whom they wish to dedicate the time and attention to develop that "foundation of mutual trust and respect."

< Message edited by CutieMouse -- 10/9/2007 8:29:10 PM >

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)

Post #: 16

RE: Honestly, where do you draw the line? - 10/9/2007 8:36:48 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RRafe

It's not used for "wank material". These man honestly want to know how compatable you are.

By getting you to write a story-they see if it's something they can do-or want to do. I admit that it's a bit of a short cut-but it also helps to weed out wannabes who claim expreince-but have none. It's very frustrating to have your time wasted-when you really would like to have a real life partner that you could have a sort of special intimacy with. We have NO idea of who is really behind that screen name-until you give us a view inside of your mind.

Let's face it, a lot of us get burned by fakes here. But not many tops will admit to being jerked around like that. It seems more a sub thing to do.

Sorry, those of us experienced and "real" subs do not need to prove anything to a prospect by writing an essay about What BDSM Fantasies I Did On My Summer Vacation.

If you truly want to find a life partner to have a special intimacy with and discover what lies inside their mind, there are many more productive and cerebral things that can be discussed initially than having a woman do a homework assignment.

It is bad enough to be constantly asked these same questions by strangers in emails, but if someone asked me to write down my most favorite fantasies, I would have them send me a certified check first, since that would indeed be considered work on my part.

I consider that written request to be pure laziness on the part of the Dom.

(in reply to RRafe)

Post #: 17

RE: Honestly, where do you draw the line? - 10/9/2007 8:37:14 PM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

~FR~

I wouldn't be inclined to share my deepest, darkest fantasy's with someone whom I'd only shared a few emails and hadn't even met face to face. There's time enough for that later. General stuff that's on my profile and interests lists are enough to get started, the naked exposure has to be earned via my trust. If that's a requirement before they'll even meet me, they're never going to meet me anyway.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to CutieMouse)

Post #: 18

RE: Honestly, where do you draw the line? - 10/9/2007 8:37:52 PM

iammachine

Posts: 1549
Joined: 1/25/2006
Status: offline

quote:

Now I am honestly asking, is this normal,

I dunno about normal, but it's common.

quote:

is this something that is expected of a submissive right out of the gate.

By some, yes, by others, no.

quote:

My gut is telling me it is not right, my mind has me extremely mixed up on this.

Listen to it.

If something doesn't resonate with you, then it simply doesn't, and you are entitled to do what is in your best interest. You are not obligated to do anything that does not jive with you. If someone gives you the creeps, there's a reason for it, and you shouldn't force yourself to allow the pursuit by virtue of you wanting to find "someone". I would hope that the someone you give your time to would be compatible - you have the right to be as selective as you are patient. :)

_____________________________

I still hear you scream... in every breath, every single motion

(in reply to unsung)

Post #: 19

RE: Honestly, where do you draw the line? - 10/10/2007 1:04:27 AM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

I always find it funny when people who put up a personal ad on a sex site get offended by others asking them sexual questions. You have to expect this as a result.

But instead of moaning about them doing this, why not reframe your response? Anybody who does this is someone you have an immediate negative reaction to, so the moment you get one of these emails you should send out an answer of thanks but we're not compatible.

In other words, use this technique to eliminate the sort of people who do this. You could even say something snarky like "Thanks for sending me that trite and tired request. Since I'm sure your next command will be for me to meet you the first time without any panties, I'll skip any further contact immediately. And I suggest until you learn decent social behavior, you stop writing women. It's embarrassing watching grown men make total fools of themselves. Have a nice day". But I'd follow that snippy a letter with blocking their infuriated response, myself.

(in reply to iammachine)

Post #: 20

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