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RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... - 10/10/2007 9:43:34 AM   
Babybass


Posts: 230
Joined: 7/30/2007
Status: offline 		I am neither a Master nor a Sir, however....i have been there before - wondering 'what if' and 'why' and having the whole situation going round and round in my head until i cannot think straight and i do not know if what i am thinking is right or wrong!! I have learned to cope in a few ways - firstly, no-one but your Master can tell you what he is thinking. If you want to know then wait the two weeks and ask him. Explain your insecurities and just talk openly about everything. Secondly, i do a lot of things for Master that while expected, are never ordered or requested. He knows that i take the time to do these things and will comment if it is not done - i used to get upset when he did not acknowledge these acts as i felt he was ignoring me. I learned not to expect a response - the reasons i do these things is to show him i care, and that i am his, not so he can tell me i am great. Occassional acknowledgement is nice, but should not be a requirement. Master does let me know from time to time that he appreciates the little things i do and that is a bonus.
So, if you are interested in pursuiting an open and honest relationship with Sir, then wait and talk to him. Talk openly and honestly and expect the same in return. And if you are not happy after that then decide that you do not want to be in the relationship anymore.

_____________________________

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight and never stop fighting" - e e cummings

(in reply to submissfifi)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... - 10/10/2007 9:46:39 AM   
LVpet


Posts: 27
Joined: 9/1/2006
Status: offline 		I agree with you laurell.  I was simply stating what jumped at me.  For myself, no contact, or ignoring me, are NOT effective tools to use.  I won't learn anything by it because I will turn away from the one causing me that much pain.  Talking and listening are the best tools.

celticlord, I never stated that recognition was not or should not be DESIRED.  Only that it should not be EXPECTED.  I very much desire recognition for a job well done, but to expect it would leave me feeling let down and frustrated when it is not received.  By doing things for how they make me feel about myself I ensure that I keep a positive outlook for the most part.  Hopefully this makes more sense.
LVpet

(in reply to laurell3)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... - 10/10/2007 9:56:39 AM   
celticlord2112


Posts: 5732
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LVpet

I agree with you laurell.  I was simply stating what jumped at me.  For myself, no contact, or ignoring me, are NOT effective tools to use.  I won't learn anything by it because I will turn away from the one causing me that much pain.  Talking and listening are the best tools.

celticlord, I never stated that recognition was not or should not be DESIRED.  Only that it should not be EXPECTED.  I very much desire recognition for a job well done, but to expect it would leave me feeling let down and frustrated when it is not received.  By doing things for how they make me feel about myself I ensure that I keep a positive outlook for the most part.  Hopefully this makes more sense.
LVpet



It does.  I suspect we're using different words to say conceptually the same thing.  I certainly agree that maintaining a positive outlook is essential, simply as a matter of successful daily living.


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Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... - 10/10/2007 10:02:14 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline 		The only problem I've seen lack of communication solve is making a relationship you don't want go away.

If you want respect, insist on a relationship that is built on it.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to submissfifi)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... - 10/10/2007 10:24:29 AM   
MstrssPassion


Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: submissfifi

Hi Master's and Sir's,

I was just wondering if you could help me to understand something from a dominants perspective. I'm a submissive who is easily frustrated when the things I do for Sir are ignored and not given any recognition, I'm not talking, small things either, like the fact I spent a whole afternoon filling out a BDSM checklist to help Sir understand me, my likes and dislikes, this was not asked of me, but I thought it would be a good thing to do. Likewise I'm sometimes ignored for no reason, and it just winds me up. I may be in a sub/dom relationship but I feel strongly that there should be mutal respect towards each other and that manners are just as important, if not more so, in this kind of relationship. I've always been respectful towards Sir, and polite, but granted sometimes I have been sarcastic and rude. This is part of my nature tho, as I can be quite fiesty, Sir is aware of this.

So in this state, when I get frustrated, hurt, and angry I can be quite horrible to Sir, other times its because I know how deeply I feel for Sir, but I just don't get the same vibe back. So as in Sirs words this has been an on going thing, I'm not allowed to contact Sir for 2 weeks. Part of me understands and accepts this, but a part of me is hurt and angry. It feels that sometimes Sir instead of dealing with the problems that I/we have, is finding it easier to ignore them. If I was to contact Sir in anyway over these two weeks then all contact would drop, and it would be the end of our relationship.

These two weeks I've been really confused as to what to do, and how I feel. I'm slowly feeling very alone, and very one sided in this relationship. I personally think that Sir isn't interested at all, and wants it to end. Sir said that I was to contact him if I wish for it to continue. But I feel like I've been dropped. And from talking with other like minded kinky friends, they think he had an alteria motive and that this was an easy way to ditch me.

I feel very deeply for Sir, more than I have in a very long time. (Sir is not aware of this) I find it very hard to say how I feel, and to put myself out there to be rejected again. So sometimes I find I'm putting up my barriers and not letting anyone in, and I so badly want it to be different.  

As I cannot contact Sir, for a few more days I was wondering what other Masters/Sirs think of this situation and if there is any advice or words of wisdom? I'd be very grateful.

Fi x


Though in your mind you may have thought that your eagerness to reveal matters described in a kink list would be welcomed & rewarded, it obviously isn't something that the authority in your relationship asked you to do. You stressed that this was rather time consiming, so I sure while you were doing this, in your mind, you believed that this task should be like a WOW moment, look what you did, this took a lot of time & it is so informative.... Good girl!

Right?

But when it wasn't received in this manner you felt slighted because you had already set up your expectations for his reaction & he failed you!

So long as your approach is that you get what you expect from your dominant then you are going to be setting yourself up for lots of shortcomings. You are to follow & the dominant is to lead.

Try working on the slight mental shift where you follow up with the expectations that are expected from you & be sure to let a potential dominant that you would involve yourself with that you work best on praise being a form of reward when you fulfill expectations.

Some dominants are very much into freely offering praise & telling female submissive that they are good girls multiple times a day... some don't.

If you feel that you are in need of constant praise & reassurement that you are doing well then you will need to find someone who does this.


_____________________________

MstrssPassion


(in reply to submissfifi)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... - 10/10/2007 2:25:45 PM   
Rule


Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: submissfifi
sometimes I have been sarcastic and rude. This is part of my nature tho, as I can be quite feisty

So in this state, when I get frustrated, hurt, and angry I can be quite horrible to Sir. So as in Sirs words this has been an on going thing, I'm not allowed to contact Sir for 2 weeks.

This is indeed typical sub behaviour. He must find another way to deal with this or by his own consideration of your psychology prevent you from expressing yourself in this way.

quote:

ORIGINAL: submissfifi
I'm slowly feeling very alone, and very one sided in this relationship. I personally think that Sir isn't interested at all, and wants it to end. Sir said that I was to contact him if I wish for it to continue.

You hot your orders. Obey him.
I get the impression that he is a reticent man. You must understand that males and females often differ very much in their communicative skills. Ask his permission to discuss something and talk for one hour and he may simply say yes or no and you will feel short changed because he said only that one word whereas you talked for an hour. However, that is the nature of the difference. From his perspective the reverse is true: he listened to you for one hour, why did you not listen to him when he spoke for one second?

quote:

ORIGINAL: submissfifi
I feel very deeply for Sir, more than I have in a very long time. (Sir is not aware of this) I find it very hard to say how I feel, and to put myself out there to be rejected again. So sometimes I find I'm putting up my barriers and not letting anyone in, and I so badly want it to be different. 

He will not know unless you tell him, so ask his permission to tell him.

< Message edited by Rule -- 10/10/2007 2:26:26 PM >

(in reply to submissfifi)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... - 10/10/2007 2:47:22 PM   
sundownhawk


Posts: 151
Joined: 8/17/2007
Status: offline 		Maybe he needed the two weeks to reflect on your relationship and get his thoughts in order. Based on your posts it seems there is a lot of tension in your relationship and perhaps this time away from each other will either strengthen it or make one or both of you realize that it was not meant to be. 

_____________________________

The number one job of the dominant is to continually seduce consent from the bottom. ~Joseph W. Bean~

(in reply to celticlord2112)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... - 10/10/2007 3:37:01 PM   
littlebitxxx


Posts: 732
Status: offline 		Hugs to ya, fifi.  Sorta been there myself.  I used to like doing things for my ex-Master without being asked and also got very frustrated when he didn't respond to them or even recognize that I did them.  And yes, SAM that I am, I could get bratty (according to some's definition).  It was when my daily blog said only:  "Love me or hate me but don't fucking ignore me" that things finally came to a head and we had it out (respectfully to be sure) and came to an agreement. 

Communication before frustration is usually the better way.

_____________________________

There is no such thing as can't unless it is followed by yet

It is the meaningless little acts that become meaningful in the doing.

The people that mind don't matter and the people that matter don't mind.

(in reply to sundownhawk)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... - 10/10/2007 5:09:10 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		If you are sincerely confused and sincerely want to try and make a go at this, wait two weeks and then have a serious talk- leaving you with these issues is counterproductive to whatever else he might want the time to accomplish. 

That being said- you are placing unreasonable and unmerited expectations upon him, and then lashing out when you don't get what you want. 

This only makes it worse when you are not given what ARE reasonable and merited expectations.  I wouldn't be surprised if you are trying extra hard to make up for other stuff and try and gain SOME approval, only to crash and burn.

I am wondering how long and how well you knew this person before making a lifelong commitment? 

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to littlebitxxx)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... - 10/10/2007 5:23:43 PM   
pseudopsychotic


Posts: 145
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
I'm not a master so flame me for posting but:

quote:

So in this state, when I get frustrated, hurt, and angry I can be quite horrible to Sir


Maybe he doesnt want to be treated like crap?


_____________________________

Got a problem with me Solve it.
Think I'm trippin? Tie my shoe
Can't face me? Turn around

(in reply to celticlord2112)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... - 10/10/2007 5:30:48 PM   
Rule


Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pseudopsychotic
Maybe he doesnt want to be treated like crap?

It is sub behaviour. One cannot blame a giraffe for having a long neck.
 
The question is what to do about it. She is herself indicating that there is a communication problem, so her master should take action to improve their mutual communication. In other words: install taller doors and the giraffe won't bump her head and start to curse.

(in reply to pseudopsychotic)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... - 10/10/2007 5:40:25 PM   
pseudopsychotic


Posts: 145
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

It is sub behaviour. One cannot blame a giraffe for having a long neck.


Is it?
Hmhp.
I must be a bad kinda Subgirl then because I know not to be horrible to people who have my respect AKA: My Sir. (and a few others)

&& I love the analogy.

_____________________________

Got a problem with me Solve it.
Think I'm trippin? Tie my shoe
Can't face me? Turn around

(in reply to Rule)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... - 10/10/2007 6:11:30 PM   
Rule


Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline 		No, she is a good girl, she indicates as much. The foremost problems are the lack of communication between him and her and him taking no note of her efforts. Then there is her crass sub behaviour. Her master will have to find a way to limit its occurrence. Perhaps it can be trained out of her. I have no idea how, though. I would probably at first order her to stand for a couple of minutes in the corner or show some form of submissive behaviour, or silence her for a couple of minutes. As I studied the problem I might find other solutions.

(in reply to pseudopsychotic)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... - 10/10/2007 7:19:48 PM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rule

quote:

ORIGINAL: pseudopsychotic
Maybe he doesnt want to be treated like crap?

It is sub behaviour. One cannot blame a giraffe for having a long neck.
 
The question is what to do about it. She is herself indicating that there is a communication problem, so her master should take action to improve their mutual communication. In other words: install taller doors and the giraffe won't bump her head and start to curse.


I don't know about that, but I agree I think she's trying to the best of her ability.
l

(in reply to Rule)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... - 10/10/2007 7:24:11 PM   
daddyncherry


Posts: 656
Joined: 10/9/2007
Status: offline 		Aww sweetie i really feel bad for your situation and can relate to it ALOT. To say i understand it all would be a monster sized lie but...

One thing i did pretty much grasp is the doing things without recognition. my Daddy said that it's selfish to expect a reaction or to try to control another's feelings.....BUT he said to enjoy what it is that you are doing and let go of the reaction to it. Your enjoyment in doing it should be fullfillment enough (or so he thinks)

If you are sensitive like me then it can be very difficult because over time you begin to feel like nothing is really stellar and that everything you do is kind of ho hum. This can be rough on your esteem for sure....and then trying to read between the lines...seeing the Master/Dom's actions toward you can become difficult.....Kind of like "Well he must think i'm doing somethin g right or why does he still have me with him"

The communication issue/lack of is something i am also dealing with, although i am living with my Daddy so i do see him and talk to him but when he doesn't want to discuss something then i'm left to sift it out alone.

Best of luck sweetie

(in reply to submissfifi)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... - 10/10/2007 7:25:42 PM   
swtnsparkling


Posts: 1738
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

 submissfifi
I may be in a sub/dom relationship but I feel strongly that there should be mutal respect towards each other and that manners are just as important,


I wouldn't begin a  D/s relationship if the above were not there


_____________________________

Never make anyone a priority who treats you as an option 2003

Walk in Peace
A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better than a "Yes" uttered merely to please



(in reply to submissfifi)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... - 10/10/2007 8:13:09 PM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline 		I don't know much about your situation and I certainly can't judge whats going on with you in your service but I do know one thing, the way to get your head straight and find clarity is not to seek out the opinions and thoughts of others. You will end up with more thoughts, more confusion and more discomfort. Take the time you have been given, examine yourself and the dynamics involved, then talk and see.
One last thought, when it comes to people, I listen with my eyes. Their mouths sometimes lie, but their feet always tell me the truth.

(in reply to swtnsparkling)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... - 10/10/2007 8:37:37 PM   
CatKnight


Posts: 37
Joined: 8/31/2007
Status: offline 		As others have suggested, there's a major communications breakdown in progress here.  I won't question your Dom's decision ... I wasn't there and I don't know what happened, nor what is going through his mind.  As some have suggested, perhaps he needed time to clear his head and think.  Or perhaps he's not interested.
 
You need to find out.
 
If you are frustrated, angry and hurt, then when these two weeks are up you need to express that ... and give real, honest thought into why.  Corrections are supposed to be somewhat unpleasant, so if you're upset because he told you to not to contact him.... eh.  I don't know.  On the other hand, if you are upset because he's not fulfilling your needs - that's something that needs to be talked about.  Yes, he's in charge - but you still have your own set of needs to be met.
 
Do you NEED manners and polite exchanges?  Fair enough.  Tell him.  If he doesn't understand, explain it.  Do you need your hand held when you're having PMT?  Well, tell him.  He can't read your mind, so you need to be crystal clear on what you want and need.
 
There are two potential problems.  First he may tell you to go fly a kite.  Because you've expressed a need does not mean he has to go along with it.  Very well, you may take his refusal as your answer, move on and find someone who WILL give you what you need in a Dom.
 
Second, he may start listing his own needs and expectations.  Are you prepared to change your own behavior to please him?  If someday he decides you need more 'training', are you prepared to accept that judgement?  If not...well, then maybe it's time to go.
 
I think you two need to talk.

 

(in reply to Kana)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... - 10/10/2007 11:11:36 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		I agree. I had a dominant once who's method of dealing with me when I angered upr frusterated him, was to not deal with me, and later on be all like, oh I didn't feel like dealing with you on my lunch break so I chose not to call* telephones and ims was all we had* It was very non effective, for one because I'd wait and wait and get all hopefull as the time for the call came and then sad when the time passed and no call. It might of been diffrent if he said look i don't have the patience today I won't be calling.

But either way the behavior issues were always worse, not better when he'd finally come back to deal.

Now, it's a hard limit to with draw contact because of displeasure. with drawing doesn't solve anything, and in our minds, isn't an apropriate way to deal with issues.
quote:

ORIGINAL: lauren0221

Fast reply

i would not be happy with his response to this behavior, if it were me. Either deal with/correct the behavior, or decide that the problem is serious enough to end the relationship. Creating more distance with no contact for two weeks sounds wishy-washy to me, and does not seem to be any kind of solution to the problem.

(in reply to lauren0221)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... - 10/10/2007 11:30:54 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		Why is treating your partner horribly "sub behavior" not all subs behave in such ways, or w*ould even dream of behaving horribly. Edited to add, or is it the doing extra in hopes of recognition thing.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rule

quote:

ORIGINAL: pseudopsychotic
Maybe he doesnt want to be treated like crap?

It is sub behaviour. One cannot blame a giraffe for having a long neck.
 
The question is what to do about it.


< Message edited by YourhandMyAss -- 10/11/2007 12:16:22 AM >

(in reply to Rule)
Profile   Post #: 40
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