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RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... - 10/12/2007 4:34:43 AM

MissMorrigan

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I think what has occurred in this thread has been too many eager persons, albeit well-intentioned, feeling aghast at the sub's seemingly poor treatment by her dom, with some subs stating they would not put up with that kind of behaviour. All relationships have teething problems and I think it does those within that relationship a great disserve to critique their relationship.

If the sub speaks out personally about his/her Dom/me, asking others for advice instead of asking the one person they should be asking, I'd consider that gross disrespect. No one has the right to question the dynamics of others' relationships and it undermines the fundemental aspects of their D/s.

I would also be critical if the situation were reversed and it was a dominant person complaining about their sub/slave.

It is natural, at some point, for submissives to have doubts and this is not restricted to subs either, dominants also have them from time to time. By all means post asking for advice, that's what I believe these boards are for... But I will always say to anyone to make their query a more general one, one in which they can learn from and does not call into question the relationship nor the abilities of those within it.

Had the OP posted something along the lines of, "Is it okay to feel x, y and z when one has been punished. I'm relatively new and therefore unsure of how to process these feelings positively and will discuss this with my dominant but would appreciate some others' wisdom in how they deal with punishment", I would have empathised and had respect for those posts which attempted to guide the sub into
learning how to deal with such situations. But, by telling the sub her dom was wrong in how he is dealing with her I feel it simply undermines the relationship and does nothing but allow her to continue acting on emotion rather than thinking through a situation, and seeking ways in which it can be rectified - often with a lot of self-reflection.

So instead of trying to deal with her punishment, she now has doubts about her dominant's capabilities and it's a shame such judgemental pronouncements get offered as a means in which to communicate.

quote:

ORIGINAL: obis
I don't think anyone here can say whether two weeks is "too long", even for cooling off so that he can deal with the situation in some better way.

< Message edited by MissMorrigan -- 10/12/2007 4:36:14 AM >

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RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... - 10/12/2007 7:05:08 AM

celticlord2112

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quote:

If the sub speaks out personally about his/her Dom/me, asking others for advice instead of asking the one person they should be asking, I'd consider that gross disrespect. No one has the right to question the dynamics of others' relationships and it undermines the fundemental aspects of their D/s.

As a general rule, I agree with you. However, in this specific case, said asking of the dominant is exactly what has been forbidden. I reread the original post, and while it is personal and does describe her situation with some initimacy, there is nothing in the text of the post that is even critical of her dominant--quite the contrary, she thinks very highly of him.

Her thread title said it all: "Confused". She asked for advice, and as she is precluded from asking for advice from her dominant, it is rather inevitable that she ask in a forum such as CollarMe. Unfortunately, I have observed that a great many within the lifestyle tend not to have close friends also within the lifestyle who can provide more meaningful perspective and advice at such a time.

I do agree that anyone lambasting the dominant and encouraging her to leave the relationship are overreaching and out of line.

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RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... - 10/12/2007 7:21:00 AM

Lordandmaster

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Do both of yourselves a favor and don't contact him ever again.

And learn from your mistakes the next time a sir comes sniffing around.

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RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... - 10/12/2007 7:49:18 AM

Kana

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Its always nice to make judgements when we know only one side of the story eh?

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RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... - 10/12/2007 8:02:58 AM

wyndham1009

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sounds to me as though you need an attitude adjustment if your truly submissive then you should be acutely aware that your master is your one and your all and that your responsibility is to be obedient perhaps you require some obedience training fiesty is one thing disobedience is another and it sounds like your desire to be one with out master is working

if you truly love master then show that love by becoming ,understand that masters love for you is shown in many ,accept this and move on with the relationship or seek another weaker master who will allow you to top

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RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... - 10/12/2007 8:48:09 AM

MissMorrigan

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Dear Celticlord, I don't doubt that the sub in question thinks highly of her dominant. I could understand the confusion had this happened once and then discussed with a positive resolution to both, but it seems not and is a recurring pattern of behaviour. What I have difficulty with is the refusal to do as requested and gaining affirmation that she's right to feel 'unjustly' treated through her posts on the boards.

We face many challenges in our lives and part of the process is learning from them. I can understand how difficult the situation must be and that there was an error in judgement on her part by specifying the problem, thus opening the gateway for criticism for the actions of her dominant partner, I still believe that advice is better served in helping her deal with her punishment, learning patience and helping her to assert herself more positively, and not by critiquing the relationship.

quote:

celticlord2112
As a general rule, I agree with you. However, in this specific case, said asking of the dominant is exactly what has been forbidden. I reread the original post, and while it is personal and does describe her situation with some initimacy, there is nothing in the text of the post that is even critical of her dominant--quite the contrary, she thinks very highly of him.

Her thread title said it all: "Confused". She asked for advice, and as she is precluded from asking for advice from her dominant, it is rather inevitable that she ask in a forum such as CollarMe. Unfortunately, I have observed that a great many within the lifestyle tend not to have close friends also within the lifestyle who can provide more meaningful perspective and advice at such a time.

These boards provide a wealth of invaluable resources and I agree that it's important for people to find those in whom they can seek insightful discourse/or perhaps just a sympathetic ear. It just saddens me when an opportunity to provide good advice is reduced to instilling more doubts/fears and confusion.

quote:

celticlord2112 I do agree that anyone lambasting the dominant and encouraging her to leave the relationship are overreaching and out of line.

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RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... - 10/14/2007 11:03:58 AM

submissfifi

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Hi Everyone,

Thanks for all your wonderful replies to my post, and I've read them all with great interest. I feel I have learned an enormous amount over this time, but I'm still confused. Part of me feels so much for Sir, but another part of me feels so rejected. I struggle to think why didn't he ask why I was behaving this way? Yes Sir said, it was as much as for me to sort my own head out, and for that I'm grateful. But sometimes I wish he would help me do this, rather than leave me on my own. It makes it so much harder for me to open up to him, tell him things, when sometimes I feel so alone in this. (Yes I know its my own fault, I deserve the punishment)

Now my next dilemma is that the time limit is up on Monday at lunchtime, I'm not going to be able to get on line to talk to Sir at that time, some of the advice here was to not contact him and make him wonder why. Although part of me thinks that this is a good idea, it feels wrong to do this. I guess I'm worried that I'm slowly losing Sir, and by doing that its just pushing him further away. Then the other half of me thinks, maybe I'm too available and by being there when Sir said, I'm just looking sad and pathetic.

How would other dominants react if after a punishment such as this, your sub didn't contact you when allowed too? to talk about things? work on what to do next? Would you see that as a sign that the sub was not interested? would you think maybe there was a reason why your sub wasn't available? would you at least expect some form of communication as to why? or would you instantly see it as the end of the relationship?

I would just appreciate some advice or opinions please. Thanks, Fi x

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RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... - 10/14/2007 11:24:15 AM

Kalista07

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Fi,
i know You asked for the input of the Master's here, however i apparently can not keep my thoughts to myself today *s*. i understand exactly what You are talking about when You explain the dilema You are currently in. And i want to say i'm sorry that You are in such a dilema. i guess the point that struck me the hardest is how are You supposed to continue to trust and invest in a relationship in which You must constantly fear that You are going to be shunned or excommunicated. That doesn't seem to be an atmosphere in which trust is encouraged, in my humble opinion.
As far as what You should do i have no idea. What i would do is probably no where near the right thing, however i would: not be available until i was able to do so (meaning i wouldn't make any special arrangements to be able to talk to Him, i'd talk to Him when i was able), when i was able to talk to Him i would explain to Him my lack of trust in His decision making and the effects of cutting off communication is having on me as well as O/our relationship. Depending on how He reacts to those comments, and how that conversation goes, i may be forced to end it or we may be able to make a new start..
i hope this helps,
Kali

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RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... - 10/14/2007 1:28:51 PM

obis

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If you're worried about being too available, or too much at his beck and call, you're not in the right kind of relationship

You obviously have a lot to talk to him about, so when you have an opportunity, let him know that you've been doing as he wanted -- thinking about the situation, and discussing it with others to help you sort things out. You still have questions, concerns, uncertainties. Get those ready so that when there is time you can explore them with him, you can figure out what he expects from you so that you won't have to suffer this kind of separation again.

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RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... - 10/14/2007 2:07:14 PM

KatyLied

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quote:

some of the advice here was to not contact him and make him wonder why.

I consider that playing games. Even if the dom in this scenario is playing games, you can be better than that. My advice is to do what feels right. If you have to worry about being too accessible, available and seeming pathetic, and not living your life because of it, then something is not right with the relationship. Be who you are, and let him deal/not deal with it.

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RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... - 10/14/2007 3:32:25 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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I think you need to directly talk to him, say there's a lot to work out and ask if you can meet for dinner that night, or when's the earliest time you guys can spend a few hours alone talking things out at your place or his.

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RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... - 10/14/2007 4:55:45 PM

SeeksOnlyOne

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to the op.....if what he has done is too much for you, cut the ties and walk away-you will cry but you will survive and be stronger on the other side of the pain....

if its not too much for you-immediately when the 2 weeks is over-talk to him and get things straight in your mind.....this aint brain surgery......be true to your self...if its not meant to be, its not meant to be...if it is, it is...

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