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RE: too many slaves in the hen house - 10/14/2007 10:36:39 AM

maybemaybenot

Posts: 2817
Joined: 9/22/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Violetta01

I am very close to leaving him over this. I dont mind challenges, I didnt expect this to be easy, but it has really become too painfull. But if I leave, she wins. And I just cannot accept that scenario. Also I love my Master and I dont have the emotional fortitude to leave.

You also win. You are out of a relationship that is causing you distress and resentment.
Some one once told me that * love * makes you feel good. If the total sum of the relationship does not bring about heavily weighted positive feelings towards each other, you are simply calling it love and slowly bleeding to death. I have used that as a yardstick in life, not just intimate relationships.

I am not saying you should leave him, that is for you to decide. You're not polyamourous, but are unhappily yielding yourself to it. Some are wired for it, some are not. Personally I am not and it is not something I can change myself into.

You say it is too painful, yet do not have the emotional fortitude to leave. You have to decide if you want to continue the pain, or leave and begin the healing.

mbmbn

(in reply to Violetta01)

Post #: 41

RE: too many slaves in the hen house - 10/14/2007 11:06:33 AM

ImpGrrl

Posts: 575
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mastersimba

Well, it sounds like she is trying to get you out or something. You need to tell master to behave and give you your fair share or else you may consider kicking her out cuz you are the one who is collared.

I'm not sure how this advice fits with an actual d/s relationship.

(in reply to Mastersimba)

Post #: 42

RE: too many slaves in the hen house - 10/14/2007 12:04:43 PM

RosesHaveThorns

Posts: 312
Joined: 10/14/2007
Status: offline

Forgive me, for I am not poly whatsoever, so I am not sure how much help I can give. I also assume that the original poster is the primary partner of the master.

However, the master HAS acknowledged the issue. But what has he done about it exactly? However, does the other sub know that it is an issue? Perhaps she will take the information better from him then you, if you need to communicate in such a manner.

If she does not change her behavior, or ask what to do, or say why she is doing the things she is doing, then there is a HUUUUUGE issue in my opinion, but I am not poly so I am not sure how much my opinion means. But on the phone call…Did he answer when he knew it would upset you? Did he answer at all? Did he answer not knowing it would upset you? If he is encouraging this behavior, doesn’t attempt to change it and you have made it clear that it is emotionally aggravating to you and you simply cannot deal with it, then something needs to happen.

I know people have said to take the moral high road, but I disagree, a lot. There is a problem, and lying down and letting it continue will only cause emotional distress for both her and the Master. She cannot function or enjoy this relationship as is. Doing nothing will only make it seem like she is giving her consent, or is unwilling to work out the problem. If she will be chastised for REASONABLY and RESPECTFULLY voicing her concerns and problems and being open to mature discussion of solutions, then it seems like a communication problem here, which NO relationship would be able to survive. Now, I am not saying that issuing an ultimatum isn’t the way to go yet, either.

Make it clear that you need boundaries, and you need them respected. Be willing to discuss and compromise on these, as long as you get some you only time with the Master. But there might be things she needs as well, and be prepared to be flexible on time. Make it clear that she needs to know of the problem, and be willing to deal with it. Make it clear that you wish for more respectful behavior from the other slave, but keep in mind that people sometimes don’t come off the way that they want to. Maybe she thought that she was a good slave to compete for attention. Maybe she needed assurance that night. Before you ask for a behavior change from her, ask why she is doing what she is. You are entitled to respect, but no one gives it in the same way as another.

And yes, the master SHOULD help the two work it out, but there is only so much he can do on his own. The three are involved, so ALL three should be discussing the matter. After all, it’s time with him that is becoming the issue, how can a slave tell her master that he can only play with another slave at the certain times that the two slaves have worked out? He’s supposed to be in charge! He has responsiblities AND rewards for the position, he can’t choose one and not the other. And HE’S the one who is having other relationships, so if he’s not willing to work out kinks, he should NOT be taking on other slaves. His actions are causing problems for others, and he is the figure of authority here.

Also, the other slave might not care(Yes, there is the possibility that she is just a jerk, just as there is the possibility that there is a lot of miscommunication, or a lack of communication) unless the Master tells her that it is a problem. Also, there are very charged emotions here, anger, frustration, neglect, fear, love, and everyone’s favorite, jealousy. A third, neutral party might stop fights before they happen, even if all he does is phrase things so that one side can see the other side’s position.

Once this has happened, but the problem persists for a long period of time, then consider leaving. If the Master does nothing even knowing what this relationship is doing to you, preferring to keep the other slave around then stop for the sake of your happiness and stability, then he does not love you or respect you. And if this happens, don’t think of it as her winning, for she is taking on an uncaring, disrespectful master who does not care at all about his slaves.

(Edited to break up large blocks of text)

< Message edited by RosesHaveThorns -- 10/14/2007 12:07:12 PM >

(in reply to ImpGrrl)

Post #: 43

RE: too many slaves in the hen house - 10/14/2007 1:40:56 PM

downkitty

Posts: 224
Joined: 10/1/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Violetta01

A few months ago my Master took another slave. At first it really didnt matter to me but over time it has become an issue. I dont like her, nor do I trust her. She serves a different purpose than I do because she is into very hard scenes and humiliation, which I am not. She never speaks to me or shows any respect for my position even though I am the collared one. When he is spending time with me she interupts. She calls him at 4am when we are in bed. It never ends. Most of the time he is very good about reassuring me of my position and making me feel loved. Still I struggle with resentment, which I hate to admit. He knows how I feel and I find it hard to accept that he forces me to live with it. We discussed setting limits on her but I cant say it really worked. Can you please give me some advice as how to deal with the situation? I dont believe in the whatever Master says goes approach. For any realtionship to work it has to be win-win situation.

Thank you for your guidance.

Its difficult with so little information. I've read the responses, and there has been a variety of advice from differing viewpoints for you to chew on. I'd just like to offer a bit of advice that has often helped me through difficult times.

When I am in pain, I tend to view myself as the center of the world. I hurt, and for me, pain causes focus on itself, so when I am in pain, I focus on myself. When I find this happening, I really try hard to put myself in the other's shoes. It is really difficult, especially to be objective about it, but it is also very enlightening. In this case, you have 2 pairs of shoes to try on and walk around in a bit. The hard part is to wear those shoes and actually see how you would feel in them, how you would react in them.

Put on girl #2's shoes. She's stepping into what she probably sees as a strong, defined, established relationship. She is the new girl. It is her responsibility to please her Master, and she is probably full of insecurities. Can she please him? Will you hinder her in that? Will you hate her? See her as a threat? I realize you don't know her or trust her, but please realize that she doesn't know you or trust you either. If you were the 2nd coming into an established relationship, what would make it easier for you? You have a job, please your new Master. Is girl #1 an ally to that or an obstacle? I don't really know the specifics, just trying to show one possibility, and an option on how to deal with it.

Have you tried talking to her (not at her), expressing your insecurites rather than focusing on what she does that you dislike. Is it possible that she deals with feelings of loneliness and he has told her to call him when she gets those feelings so that he can connect with her and strenghten her? Is it possible that she wants to join the two of you, forming one three-way relationship, rather than having two two-way relationships. Are her interruptions possible reaching out rather than interfering? Is it possible that she feels you are not interested in her at all, that you do not reach out to her in the way that she reaches out to you?

Now put yourself in his shoes and walk around for a while. He wants a second. From your posts, I believe you indicated to him that this would not really be a problem? He is probably aware that adding a second girl to the mix will be uncomfortable and difficult at first. Any research into poly would yeild that information, so your discomfort would be expected. Most successful poly relationships I am aware of have been through this difficult start, but they overcome them. It seems that you acknowledge that he listens to you, takes you seriously, and tries to strengthen you. He's got two girls he needs to reassure. Can he reassure you without shoving her aside? When he reassures her, do you feel he is shoving you aside? He's got an ill-defined line to walk here, and there will surely be glitches, but is he trying, learning, improving?

Again, this may be way off base. If so, please disregard me. I'm just mulling over what everyone could be thinking and how the three would go about making a transition such as this as easy and smooth as possible. Communication is key, but not just with him. Communication with her is equally important, and communication is not just talking about your feelings, but listening and trying to understand hers as well.

Of course, its risky and it may not be worth the risk for you. You could open up to her, help her to understand how to please him and how to fit into the household. If you do that, you could find you have a good friend, a strong ally, a confidant ... or she could take that information, use it against you and hurt you. There's really no way to know how it would turn out.

I wish you the best, and hope you find happiness again.

Respectfully,

Amy

(in reply to Violetta01)

Post #: 44

RE: too many slaves in the hen house - 10/14/2007 3:19:27 PM

imtempting

Posts: 1280
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline

Could the master be getting Mastered himself by her? Someone calling me up at 4 am would really piss me off.

Also you said in another post you knew he was going to take in other people. You should of asked im what level are you bringing somoene in? Full time or casual or what?

If your not happy in the relationship then leave it. Worse thing in life is being un-happy in relationhips.

Also most times when there is three in the relationship one partner always wants the guy/girl for themselves

(in reply to Violetta01)

Post #: 45

RE: too many slaves in the hen house - 10/15/2007 10:18:21 PM

Violetta01

Posts: 20
Joined: 9/6/2007
Status: offline

I did in fact talk to her about it at length and fully explained how I felt. If we want to speak of childish behaviour, it is so to be driven by selfish needs with complete disregard for others. And by the way, it isnt polite to use the f word on a public forum.

(in reply to velvetears)

Post #: 46

RE: too many slaves in the hen house - 10/15/2007 10:24:33 PM

Violetta01

Posts: 20
Joined: 9/6/2007
Status: offline

If anyone cares, I am happy to report things are going much better. Thank you again for your help.

(in reply to txgirlneedsister)

Post #: 47

RE: too many slaves in the hen house - 10/15/2007 10:54:35 PM

velvetears

Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Violetta01

I did in fact talk to her about it at length and fully explained how I felt. If we want to speak of childish behaviour, it is so to be driven by selfish needs with complete disregard for others. And by the way, it isnt polite to use the f word on a public forum.

i didn't use the "f" word, you must have me mistaken with someone else.

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to Violetta01)

Post #: 48

RE: too many slaves in the hen house - 10/15/2007 11:51:50 PM

downkitty

Posts: 224
Joined: 10/1/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Violetta01

If anyone cares, I am happy to report things are going much better. Thank you again for your help.

Wonderful. I'm glad things are going better for you

Respectfully,

Amy

(in reply to Violetta01)

Post #: 49

RE: too many slaves in the hen house - 10/16/2007 5:45:21 PM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

It's not polite to tell others not your submissive what to do either.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Violetta01

And by the way, it isnt polite to use the f word on a public forum.

(in reply to Violetta01)

Post #: 50

RE: too many slaves in the hen house - 10/16/2007 7:47:04 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

And actually, in an alternate lifestyle/sexuality forum, it fully depends on how the word is used.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to YourhandMyAss)

Post #: 51

RE: too many slaves in the hen house - 10/16/2007 8:15:02 PM

Violetta01

Posts: 20
Joined: 9/6/2007
Status: offline

No no, my mistake in where I posted. Velvetears I know you didnt use that word and I wasnt criticizing you. My apologies. Someone else who posted before used it to call me "a fucking adult" which wasnt polite.

I dont know how it will turn out of course. I do feel Master is more aware and doing a better job of recognizing the problems and running the show better to reduce conflict. I also see he is willing to compromise as well, which some of you may highly disagree with. My relationship is quite established and tight. Being the new girl cant be too easy. She may in fact even tire and move off eventually because I dont believe she can get what she wants/needs/hopes for from the relationship.

(in reply to velvetears)

Post #: 52

RE: too many slaves in the hen house - 10/16/2007 8:17:04 PM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline

Fuck that!

quote:

ORIGINAL: Violetta01

And by the way, it isnt polite to use the f word on a public forum.

(in reply to Violetta01)

Post #: 53

RE: too many slaves in the hen house - 10/16/2007 8:22:21 PM

MissMagnolia

Posts: 3636
Status: offline

And because I refuse to be told by a slave, or anyone else, what is correct language in a PUBLIC forum and what isn't, I'm agreeing with L&M and saying

FUCK THAT

_____________________________

if at first you dont succeed..then skydiving isnt for you

Resident Whip Cracker AND Resident Orbs Of Joy.

(in reply to Lordandmaster)

Post #: 54

RE: too many slaves in the hen house - 10/16/2007 8:24:18 PM

dcnovice

Posts: 37282
Joined: 8/2/2006
Status: offline

quote:

too many slaves in the hen house

I keep wondering what happened to those poor, homeless hens.

_____________________________

No matter how cynical you become,
it's never enough to keep up.

JANE WAGNER, THE SEARCH FOR SIGNS OF
INTELLIGENT LIFE IN THE UNIVERSE

(in reply to MissMagnolia)

Post #: 55

RE: too many slaves in the hen house - 10/16/2007 8:57:01 PM

chellekitty

Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline

warning: i have nothing to say on the OT

"the f word"?? what are we in, a fucking grade school? this is a fucking adult public forum and i can say fuck all the fuck i want to...soo...fuck fuck fuck, fuck fuck fuck, fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck....and i'm pretty sure he can say fuck and she can say fuck too...and if you're concerned with what's polite...you're on the wrong fucking forums....

now back to your regularly scheduled fucking programming....

_____________________________

One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve. ~Albert Schweitzer

(in reply to dcnovice)

Post #: 56

RE: too many slaves in the hen house - 10/16/2007 9:06:04 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Violetta01
She may in fact even tire and move off eventually because I dont believe she can get what she wants/needs/hopes for from the relationship.

Well now I have to ask- have you told her that's how you feel? It would be hard for me to respect someone who felt I was in such a doomed place in a relationship with them.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Violetta01)

Post #: 57

RE: too many slaves in the hen house - 10/16/2007 9:18:16 PM

RosesHaveThorns

Posts: 312
Joined: 10/14/2007
Status: offline

Off-Track:

This forum is not the best place to not expect profanity to be used. However, that isn't a license to use it willy-nilly. Expressing a harsh opinion is one thing, but the profanity, I think, makes it go over the line from a resonable post of advice to bashing. Therefore, through I notice that profanity has been used, I think that the original poster does have a point in asking that it not be used to insult her. That is a pretty common rule of courtesy, afterall.

On-Track:

Glad to hear that things are better. Would it be too invasive to ask how she handled being told how you felt about her actions? Merely curious as to how it has gone along.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 58

RE: too many slaves in the hen house - 10/16/2007 9:58:05 PM

chellekitty

Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RosesHaveThorns
I think that the original poster does have a point in asking that it not be used to insult her. That is a pretty common rule of courtesy, afterall.

and in this manner of communication, if one finds something offensive they have the choice not to read it...not like if someone is standing in front of you screaming it at you....

_____________________________

One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve. ~Albert Schweitzer

(in reply to RosesHaveThorns)

Post #: 59

RE: too many slaves in the hen house - 10/17/2007 1:26:00 AM

obis

Posts: 412
Joined: 9/9/2005
From: Austin, TX, USA
Status: offline

Hey, let's have some fucking decorum around here!

(in reply to chellekitty)

Post #: 60

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