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Musings on switching to the top - 7/28/2005 2:50:20 PM

LilyOR

Posts: 22
Joined: 7/26/2005
Status: offline

Hi, everyone.

I'm new to this forum, but not too new to alternative sexual lifestyles. I identify as a switch, sortof. I think that's partly why I'm here...to bounce my feelings off other people in the hopes of some feedback. Let me apologize now if any of this post seems to ramble or is confusing.

The "switch" has been kindof an interesting change for me. My last relationship was one in which I switched to topping. I picked up on some clues about my man, I loved him, and soon found myself fantasizing about spankings, enemas, chastity, CBT, etc... Funny, that. So we started playing that way, and it grew heavily on me. Still, it was difficult because I felt a little pressured to perform, am new at topping, and my confidence need some time. We ended the relationship amicably for other reasons. Now, I never think about bottoming. I did in my past, but I was always a little pushy about how and when. Instead, I find myself thinking about "consentual loving manipulation" of the man in my life. I honestly don't know if I'll ever be interested in bottoming in the future, but since I *used* to have fantasies about bottoming... couldn't my mind change again? I'm a little worried about pigeon holing myself as a "domina", too. Maybe because it seems like such a change?

I'm recently "available" again, and gradually getting closer to true emotional availability. I don't want to really "date" until I feel as though I AM available, though flirting helps, and is harmless. I look at these personal ads, and how people define themselves. We have to all select from a very limited number of "choices" to define our "orientation"; dominant, submissive, or switch. It bothers me in some ways, though I can see the value of having a bottom line.

For me, common life goals and chemistry are most important. Sexual stuff is extremely important too, but I've found for myself that as long as my partner and I are open minded and have somewhat similar sexual interests, the sex'll be fine. The day to day stuff will be the greater challenge. So, I don't necessarily feel a driving, overwhelming *need* to be with a man who will suffer sexually for me, obey overtly, or wear a cage on his cock (though I'd miss it sometimes, perhaps). Instead, I feel an overwhelming drive (more than anything else) to be with a man who can stand as my equal in most ways, and be a true partner. I'd marry someone open-minded but vanilla who was a good match in this respect over a bottom who wasn't. Does anyone else feel this way? Sometimes in the kink community I feel like an odd man out for not setting too high a priority on the kink.

Your .02?

Thanks,

Lil

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RE: Musings on switching to the top - 7/28/2005 3:32:10 PM

fastlane

Posts: 2159
Joined: 5/26/2005
Status: offline

Sometimes you feel like the odd man out...Lil...your a girl!
What if I change my mind again? Lil, your a girl, you are suppose to change your mind about 15 times a day, that's what girls do. Ummm red panties or black...black...no, white,,,no, red....no, no panties....no black.

Find the man of your interest and see what he seeks, A Mistress, a submissive, or a switch?

Maybe you two will be exactly alike and he too won't know what the hell he wants to be when he grows up too.

You guys will then just have to flip a coin to see who Tops and bottoms....LOL...you crazy kids!

_____________________________

Just because it hurts, doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.

(in reply to LilyOR)

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RE: Musings on switching to the top - 7/28/2005 3:40:21 PM

vonzott

Posts: 39
Joined: 2/26/2005
From: San Diego, CA
Status: offline

Hello to You!

It's refreshing to see someone articulate a need beyond "doing" or "being done". Well said!

I think, for me anyway, finding someone who wouldn't mock my kink was as good as I ever thought I'd get - I wanted more, to be sure, but I never thought I'd get there. So I "settled" - through three marriages and a dozen or so "relationships" - for something less that I was and was never really happy. About three years ago, I found a website while surfing the web during the late hours. I found someone who had a sense of graphic beauty that resonated with something in me. Kinky? Sure, but that's not "what did it". There was just this ... "niceness" about the site that made me feel good. I fired off a "nice site" note and thought nothing more.

She fired a note back that said something like, "thank you", and I said something back that was a little better than "you're welcome" ... we started to correspond. She actually lived within 50 miles or so! We didn't meetmet, but we wrote back and forth a bunch. Of course, my then-current girlfriend found the correspondence and freaked. There was nothing in there worth being freaked out over (at least on the surface), but I promised to end the conversation anyway.

Somewhere a year or so later, my then-current "relationship" ended in flames and treachery and betrayal. Surprised? I shouldn't have been...

I sent off a quick "how're you doing?" note and waited. She waited a little too; pissed off at me (I found out later), and eventually sent back some encouraging words. We were both in the land of "relationship flux" and things seemed to work that we could meet. From that first "nice site" note, it took better than two years before Domina Angelina and I finally met!

Now, the point that's relevant to this thread is that our conversations (written and verbal) were only rarely about things kinky. We talked about what moved us, what thrilled us, what made us mad, what made us human. We talked about music, poetry, politics and people who were crazy that somehow had something to say about our lives (my boss, Her landlord... stuff like that).

Yup: We're married now. I have the most wonderful Wife I could ever want! I have the most wonderful life I could ever want!

Kinky? Youbetcha!

Fun? For certain!

Serious? Always... NOT!

Happy? More than I ever thought possible!

Our relationship is based on a mixture of D/s and respect. Domina Angelina considers me Her 24/7, I consider me Hers. Period.

Back to The Point: If we hadn't had that foundational relationship based on a broad range of comminality, our kink would never fly. We'd both be back where we'd been, trying to either explain or hide our true nature from someone who wouldn't understand.

I finally have that Mate who doesn't think I'm too weird for the room and I've never been happier.

Because we didn't start by looking for a kinky partner...

(in reply to LilyOR)

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