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RE: Teaching your Dominant? - 10/13/2007 10:22:50 AM

kitttty

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DominaSmartass's statement bothers me. I need my own thread to discuss this (so not to hijack this one).

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RE: Teaching your Dominant? - 10/13/2007 5:03:49 PM

DominaSmartass

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quote:

ORIGINAL: pagankinktress

My concern for the OP is this: if you know you are a strong, independent-minded woman at your core, how would being a *slave* to any dominant truly be a fit for you?

Oh boy...seems you're new here (judging by the ice cream cone.) Prepare for an onslaught ;) I'm grabbing my umbrella and hiding.

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RE: Teaching your Dominant? - 10/13/2007 5:14:58 PM

laurell3

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Honestly I think this goes back to your prior posts about how you feel about yourself. You can't get pyschotherapy from a relationship, it just doesn't work.  If you feel badly about yourself, get help, don't make him your therapist.

When you are able to make competent, healthy decisions about yourself, take a look at your relationship, is this really want you want and need?   Don't get hung up on labels. Can the two of you adapt to each other, or is it a poor fit? You can love someone until the end of time, it doesn't mean the relationship will work. Finally, are you both commited to working it out and putting in the effort?
l

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RE: Teaching your Dominant? - 10/13/2007 6:55:12 PM

charlotte12

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Hi Amena,

I just wanted to say that i can completely relate to what you are going through. When i first discovered BDSM i never would have imagined myself begging the collar of a man who has promised to always treat me as nothing more or less than his slave. I had some of the same ideas about slavery that your man seems to have. The funny this is that the closer i have come to slavery the more strong and free i have felt. I feel like much more of a whole person since embracing the girl who is learning to be a slave. How is someone who not only understands what it is that makes her happy but refuses to compromise these things or to let other people tell her she should not be made happy by them a weak woman?

Anyway, yes, there are many mindless slaves but i would venture to say there are just as many mindless vanilla girls out there (if not more...but then again i might be biased living in Southern Cali.)

It sounds like you have a strong sense of self awareness and that is wonderful. I believe what you said is true, if someone cannot accept and love all parts of you then they cannot really love you fully and completely. I like the suggestions by other people that you perhaps drop the label and focus on the things it is you would like to incorporate into the relationship. Perhaps if he tries them and sees how happy and fulfilled you are he will begin to understand that a slave is NOT a person with no will of her own. I also agree that meeting other people could help. If he continues to hold you above these activities and ways of interacting that make you feel so good then perhaps it is time to find a way to let go. I had to do that once and i understand it's not easy. My thoughts are with you and i welcome you to the forums.

charlotte

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RE: Teaching your Dominant? - 10/13/2007 7:26:01 PM

MaamJay

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Hi Amena. If you are both REALLY hung up on the definitions, then perhaps you are not a good match. If you can both look past the definitions to the relationship itself then maybe you can go forward. I echo Master Fire's suggestion of getting out and about and meeting more M/s people ... I think you will both find the variety of interactions between Masters and their slaves mind-boggling and potentially very liberating. It has been My experience that more slaves resonate more with your definition ie being a thinking person with a free will who CHOOSES to surrender that to the right Master ... than with your Dominant's definition. Choosing to surrender doesn't necessarily negate the concept of becoming His property or His needing to care for you.

I hope you 2 can sort it out but if not, agree to disagree, part and stay friends!
Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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RE: Teaching your Dominant? - 10/13/2007 7:53:59 PM

pinioned14Me

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First step to understanding is communication. Glad to see you're getting somewhere!

The term a slave once used with Me has stuck in My mind and she was right......she pushed. Pushed for more from Me, pushed Me to see and look into Myself as well as her. I always have (and will continue to do so) put the safety and limits of My girl first. My concerns are always focused on her. It may sound strange but a Dom/me may deny themselves deeper exploration or experimentation based on concerns for their submissive or slave. The communication W/we had brought Me to see that she saw I held back on several levels. In a sense she pushed Me and I grew.

So perhaps in your "pushing" for communication & understanding both of Y/you will grow.

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RE: Teaching your Dominant? - 10/13/2007 9:06:33 PM

charlotte12

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quote:

ORIGINAL: pinioned14Me

First step to understanding is communication. Glad to see you're getting somewhere!

The term a slave once used with Me has stuck in My mind and she was right......she pushed. Pushed for more from Me, pushed Me to see and look into Myself as well as her. I always have (and will continue to do so) put the safety and limits of My girl first. My concerns are always focused on her. It may sound strange but a Dom/me may deny themselves deeper exploration or experimentation based on concerns for their submissive or slave. The communication W/we had brought Me to see that she saw I held back on several levels. In a sense she pushed Me and I grew.

So perhaps in your "pushing" for communication & understanding both of Y/you will grow.

I think that was very well put. Thank you

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"When you are your freest self, who are you?" Jack Rinella

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RE: Teaching your Dominant? - 10/14/2007 5:10:30 PM

Amena

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Thank you to everyone who has contributed! I was away for a couple of days and came back to so many wonderful replies!

In reply to those who say drop the terms if they are the problem. You are right. Only they aren't the only problem. Not only had the goal of slavery, which was on the table from the first meeting, been taken off the table without even a conversation with me about it beforehand, but the dominance, the leadership, the structure... everything I relate to a D/s relationship had been removed. I was lost, sought numerous times to talk to him about it, but never quite "got through" to him how deeply this hurt me, so I ended the relationship.

Now, he is wanting me to give it another go and to teach him how about this slavery that I know as he has never seen anything like that. The one thing that keeps coming up since this conversation is topping from the bottom and how he hates that. I'm just not able to wrap my head around how to teach him without topping from the bottom. The few times I have tried while we were together these last couple of days to talk about successful M/s relationships I know of were met with him changing the subject or in some other way shutting me up. When I mentioned possibly attending a group or going to an event I was informed he was the Dominant and he felt it was his right to make those kinds of decisions.

I agreed to give him a certain amount of time to work on the relationship, but I have to say I am so discouraged right now that I'm ready to throw in the towel. I don't believe in my heart that he really has any intention of trying to find a compromise... and I really am prepared to compromise, just not give up who I am. I just want him to meet me half way!! I thrive on the stucture of a M/s relationship. I left a long term vanilla relationship because I wanted the BDSM in my life that much. I know others have been in the same boat there. I guess I just see this one getting more and more vanilla with a touch of kinky sex and I want so much more than that. Thanks to all for listening to me and offering their perspectives. This is a really difficult time for me right now because I do care for him so much. The good parts are good, but the bad parts, and I do think being told that the things I crave so much are "beneath" me are bad, are just so painful.

Oh, and this weekend, he said he wanted to search for a slave so he could indulge his desires in that area until he is "comfortable" seeing me in that way. *pulls hair out in frustration*

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RE: Teaching your Dominant? - 10/14/2007 5:56:24 PM

Sinergy

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While this thread seems to have devolved into the slave vs. sub and master vs. dominant discussion, my own personal take on it is that the non-Dominant person teaching the Dominant person anything completely alters the power relationship between the two and strikes me as having the potential to being rather weird.

I dont mind what is mine telling me to go learn about X, but having her try to show me X herself just seems weird.

Sinergy

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RE: Teaching your Dominant? - 10/28/2007 10:50:23 PM

slave4urneeds

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Joined: 3/19/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: pinioned14Me

First step to understanding is communication. Glad to see you're getting somewhere!

The term a slave once used with Me has stuck in My mind and she was right......she pushed. Pushed for more from Me, pushed Me to see and look into Myself as well as her. I always have (and will continue to do so) put the safety and limits of My girl first. My concerns are always focused on her. It may sound strange but a Dom/me may deny themselves deeper exploration or experimentation based on concerns for their submissive or slave. The communication W/we had brought Me to see that she saw I held back on several levels. In a sense she pushed Me and I grew.

So perhaps in your "pushing" for communication & understanding both of Y/you will grow.

Communication is the true key to any relationship not just a bdsm relationship. Glad to see that your sub pushed you and you state you grew from it. I think we can all grow from one another.
To what i think the real question she is asking here though is how can someone be dominant yet a slave. It happens every day dear. I am dominant at work, in my household and making many decisions every day. It is what it takes to survive in this world. Plus no one wants a doormat and if they say they do run away from them they are posers!!

In my life and relationship with my Dom i am truly submissive. i want to please and serve him. i surrender my mind body and heart to him. I am there for him to take and use. There is great freedom in the binds that hold us.

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RE: Teaching your Dominant? - 11/4/2007 7:03:58 AM

ImpGrrl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Sinergy

While this thread seems to have devolved into the slave vs. sub and master vs. dominant discussion, my own personal take on it is that the non-Dominant person teaching the Dominant person anything completely alters the power relationship between the two and strikes me as having the potential to being rather weird.

I dont mind what is mine telling me to go learn about X, but having her try to show me X herself just seems weird.

Potential? Sure. But I teach my owner all the time, about all sorts of things. And he teaches me. The authority is always his - that never comes into question. Even when I teach him about whatever, he calls the shots. He just defers to my knowledge sometimes.

It's his decision to do so.

Therefore...the dynamic is intact.

We're real people, all adults, dealing with life. Your slave will always know *something* better than you will. Why not take advantage of what you possess, instead of trying to seek it elsewhere?

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Post #: 31