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Padriag -> RE: Pushing Limits (7/29/2005 2:35:52 AM)
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A lot of good points have already been made, I'll see what I can add to it. Gauge asked several questions so I'll try to answer each.
Why push limits and how to know what limits to push?
In my experience submissives will seek being controlled, forced and sometimes pushed for a number of reasons, but two of the most common I encounter are this. The first is a desire to be forced into doing something "naughty" or taboo. Many societies, particularly western culture, saddle us all with a lot of emotional and psychological baggage about sex and sexual situations. We are taught that many things are wrong, sick, taboo, sinful, nasty, things that good girls/boys don't do. Yet we are also discovering many of these things are fun, exciting, enjoyable and pleasurable. Dominants tend to have less trouble stepping outside of societies boundaries, whether its because of type A personalities, or just a natural bent to follow our own instincts we generally feel less guilt and less self doubt when doing something society has told us is wrong. Submissives, generally speaking, often have more trouble with this. One solution for some submissives is to have a dominant "force" them into doing things that secretly they want to do (but often have trouble admitting too even desiring). The illusion of being forced allows them to transfer the guilt and blame to the dominant... its not their fault they did all those kinky, nasty things, he made her do it.
Another motivation is that submissives often enjoy feeling overwhelmed by the dominant, whether that be just physically, or emotionally and mentally as well. For them it is a powerful experience to be engulfed in the control of another, both frightening and at the same time strangely comforting. Being out of control is frightening, but when its with someone you trust, for the submissive it can also be thrilling. Think of it as being akin to the fear you feel riding a roller coaster, most of us think riding a roller coaster is fun even though it scares the hell out of you... what enables it to be fun inspite of being fun is that you know the whole time you are actually safe even if you aren't in control. For those who hate roller coasters, I'd venture to bet you don't really feel they are safe either. For a submissive in a play session, being out of control, but under the control and overwhelmed by someone they trust provides that same kind of fear/thrill. It can also be comforting, especially outside of play in the context of a relationship to be overwhelmed by someone who seems strong, capable, in control, etc. It provides a sense of security. It also underscores the need for dominants to remain in control of themselves... blow that and you've blown the whole thing.
These two examples aren't absolute and there are both exceptions as well as other motivations, but they are two of the most common I've encountered over the years and both provide a basis for they why of pushing limits.
Knowing what limits to push and when?
Knowing what limits to push really comes down to knowing the individual submissive. There are no standard answers here. This is one reason I personally don't care to play with someone I don't have some sort of relationship with, for me its is much more difficult to play with a stranger and get as much satisfaction out of it. I'm going to say something that may seem controversial, but bear with me and read twice if need be. For the most part don't worry with terms like hard limits and soft limits, they are inaccurate and confusing and there are better ways of establishing healthy boundaries. I am not saying limits should be ignored, its the terminology I object to, I hope that was clear. Drawing on my own experience I have found the ubiquitous BDSM checklists useful in getting the dialog going and sometimes I find a submissive finds it easier to indicate interest in a "taboo" fetish in a checklist when they can't verbally in conversation (this isn't always true, but it does work in some cases). However, I never stop there because the only way to really establish healthy boundaries is to get to know the submissive well enough you have an understanding of what is genuinely traumatic for them and harmful to their mental health versus those things that are secret fantasies. In short, communicate a lot and observe reactions closely over time.
Once you've established trust, healthy boundaries and have an idea of what at least a few of their secret fantasies are, you come to the question of when to push. Again, there is no standard answer here, you'll need to get to know the individual submissive. It will depend in part on the "limit", secret fantasy, and personal history of the individual submissive, but may also be influenced by the time of month in the case of women. I have observed that most women as they approach their period, beginning about a week or so before, become increasingly conservative sexually and less inclined to risky or adventerous behavior, but in the week or so just after are more inclined to it. A simple way for a dominant to check this and establish the pattern (some women may actually be the reverse), is to have a submissive fill out a BDSM check list at least 1 week before her period, during and at least 1 week after, then look to see what pattern emerges in her answers. There should be instances of increase interest in some activities and a decline in others in relation to this cycle and that can be useful in timing certain kinds of play so that both enjoy it the most. Beyond this the question of when really comes down to when it is practical and how long it takes the dominant to gain an understanding of what secret fantasies the submissive may have and how best to explore them.
How to push these limits without crossing into abuse?
A method for this that should be in the dominants repertoire is "foreshadowing" to borrow a literary term. Once a dominant has discovered a secret fantasy, rather than trying to push the submissive into it immediately or "cold", a period of building up tension with hints and clues can work very well. That is, suppose you have a submissive and you've discovered a secret fantasy about puppygirl role play. Rather than immediately trying to engage in this, or simply trying to push her into it "cold" in a play session, spend days, weeks or even a couple of months building her up to it. Begin with hints, clues and other indications of what might be coming... foreshadowing. These allow the submissive time to mentally adjust and accept what will eventually happen without ever being certain when or if it will happen or exactly what will happen. In the example of a puppygirl, perhaps one day a dog bowl with her name on it appears... nothing in it, nothing happens, just that little discovery and then afterwards you smile non-chalantly and put it away. Later, you leave a dog collar, leash and a rolled up newspaper on the coffee table just long enough for her to get a look at them, then put them away. Think of it like dropping clues in a mystery novel, draw it out until she is evidencing tension, anticipation and possibly excitement at what she suspects. In fact, if you build it up right, by the time you actually push the submissive into the secret fantasy it will may very well be a relief to them. One of the major advantages to foreshadowing is that it also allows time for additional observation in case the submissive starts showing real fear of what might happen and allows time for discussion if necessary before the actual event.
A second method that can be more risky but can also produce more intense reactions is to go "cold". That is, to simply push the submissive into a secret fantasy without warning which increases the shock value. You have to be careful with this and make absolutely certain that you know the submissive well enough to feel confident doing this without crossing those healthy boundaries. But, in cases where you do have an established relationship and you know the submissive well, it can produce some very intense experiences for both the dominant and the submissive, and if done with a submissive whom responds in a positive way to it, it can be an intensely erotic, thrilling and exciting form of play.
A word of caution
As a caution however let me be clear about the dangers and the responsibilities of both the dominant and the submissive. The danger here is that the dominant misunderstands and pushes into an area that exceeds the healthy boundaries of the submissive. This can result in anything from a moment of panic that passes once things are stopped (probably as the result of a safeword); to real emotional, mental and/or physical harm if the dominant really screws up. Obviously the risks are far less in the foreshadowing method than with going cold, so keep that in mind, be honest with yourself about your own capabilities as a dominant and err on the side of safety until you feel 100% confident. The dominant has the responsibility of assessing the situation and weighing all the factors involved as part of creating the "scene" or scenario, which should be planned out in advance. If you need to, write it down like a script of events and then read over it several times asking yourself what could go wrong, what are the possible reactions of the submissive, etc. The better you do at this, the better the scene will go an the more you will seem in control (and actually be in control) which will heighten the experience for both you and the submissive. Consider all the elements of the scenario you are considering... in my example of a puppygirl there is obviously an element of animal role play and of humiliation... what else might it include? (As a practice exercise, get out a piece of paper and write down how many other emotional and play elements you can think of that might be part of a puppygirl fantasy scenario). Based on what you know of the submissive, how will he or she react to this... and if you aren't certain find out! Submissives have a responsibility in being honest... do not tell a dominant you are interested in something that would emotionally or physically traumatize you just to please a dominant or because you think its what he wants to hear. If you mislead or misinform the dominant, he may make decisions based on that and be disastrously wrong. Simply be honest in your answers... if something appeals to you, say so, if it repulses you, say so... if you feel shy talking about something, say so. Be honest in your feelings.
To sum up, pushing limits is often about pushing into secret fantasies a submissive may not be able to consciously admit too. It can be an exciting experience if handled with care and conscientiously by the dominant who has a responsibility to safeguard the health (physical, mental and emotional) of the submissive. If the submissive has been honest about his or her feelings, the dominant can make this assessment and create a scenario of play that both can enjoy. Pushing limits is not about ignoring healthy boundaries or hard limits, its not about forcing a submissive into something they don't agree to. As always, if it isn't consensual, its abuse.
Hope that helped, if I got too thick on any point feel free to ask and I'll explain further.
The above essay is copyrighted material belonging to the author (Padriag), please contact me before reprinting, reposting or reproducing elsewhere.
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