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girlfriend conversion - 10/12/2007 7:31:50 AM   
switchmt


Posts: 67
Joined: 8/20/2006
Status: offline 		I know this topic has been brought up various times, but I wouldn't mind learning more to help me "convert" further my vanilla girlfriend..
My girlfriend caught on the fact that I'm a naughty guy right from the start. She's a submissive personality too and likes me leading her.
I've done hair tugging to her while we deeply kiss and I like giving her instructions while making out etc.. which she obeys without question... I even gave her some light swats on her jeans covered ass with the hand, almost a teasing spanking, once.

Some suggestions on these forums mention bringing the bdsm topic up after sex, but I'd rather keep sex for after marriage myself.  I would enjoy stuff like sensation play or light bondage with a scarf etc eventually.. but I wonder how best to introduce your kinkiness to her...

A related thread:
Vanilla conversions


< Message edited by switchmt -- 10/12/2007 7:32:45 AM >
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RE: girlfriend conversion - 10/12/2007 8:14:45 AM   
mefisto69


Posts: 370
Joined: 1/19/2007
Status: offline 		Take her for a hike in the woods. Tie her to a tree and play with her. Gauge her reactions carefully. Is she getting hot and bothered or is she screaming and kicking < < might want to bring along a gag to use until you get her untied lol

(in reply to switchmt)
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RE: girlfriend conversion - 10/12/2007 9:43:57 AM   
Estring


Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		How about talking to her about it? Seems like the simplest way to find out if she is into it.

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Boycott Whales!

(in reply to switchmt)
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RE: girlfriend conversion - 10/12/2007 9:46:40 AM   
OrrisKitten


Posts: 59
Joined: 7/18/2007
Status: offline 		Why not just talk about it?  Is it so hard to say something like..."Do you think you'd like being tied up and teased?  I have this fantasy, and I was wondering if you'd want to live it out with me..."

I find directness is best.  It seems to me that since she didn't react with immediate revulsion about the hair-pulling, ectectera, you have a real chance of unveiling her kinky side by simply talking to her about it. 

(in reply to switchmt)
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RE: girlfriend conversion - 10/12/2007 9:56:26 AM   
sundownhawk


Posts: 151
Joined: 8/17/2007
Status: offline 		Conversion does not work. Discussion does.

_____________________________

The number one job of the dominant is to continually seduce consent from the bottom. ~Joseph W. Bean~

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RE: girlfriend conversion - 10/12/2007 10:25:22 AM   
PryderiLoup


Posts: 90
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline 		When I converted my vanilla, I wasn't really trying to, it just happened. I think that we tend to attract the type of person we need, so have confidence. It may just be, that on a subconscious level, you sought out a willing sub.

When we finally talked openly about D/s, and discussed different aspects of the lifestyle, she was very curious. She wanted me to push her harder and harder. Her tendency was to top from the bottom because she did not know any better, and she has a STRONG personality. Be careful here and make sure that you go at the speed you feel is best.

In our conversation, I started out with MY definitions. I did not tell her until later that other people thought differently, but I always made sure to deliver the message that there were as many variations of this lifestyle as there are people. I wanted her on my page, and did not confuse the issue.

I explained to her the difference between bottom, sub, and slave. I told her that right now she was a bottom and we would see where she wanted to go in time.

Faced with this opportunity again, I will probably start this way.

(in reply to switchmt)
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RE: girlfriend conversion - 10/12/2007 1:51:33 PM   
topcat


Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline 		Sure, you can ease someone into anything, but the amount of effort involved would be tremendous, and I'd say you'd likely be looking at two or three years before there's really any payoff to it. If you are willing to defer your rewards to that extent, this would be my approach.

Judging form what you've said, I take it that you have some level of trust with this subject, and that she expresses a willingness to participate in the process. That's actually a hugh first step out of the way.

For starters, don’t use any jargon for this stuff- when you label something, you give it a string of associations in the others head, many of which maybe negative.

You are going to have to stick to light bedroom bondage for at least 3-4 months, to build on that  foundation of trust. You are also going to have to do a lot of work to make sure that she has a good time with it. A good tactic is it have regular, vanilla sex two or three times to every incident of bondage, and when she's tied up, make damn sure that it's great sex for her. Go heavy on the aftercare, eat her till she cries, make her breakfast in bed, tie her up and shave her legs, draw her a hot tub afterwards or before.

Create a situation where she WANTS you to tie her up.

If something doesn't go well, never express anger. Calm disappointment, taking the blame on yourself, will go a long way to shaping her response to the next step. "gee, girl- I'm sorry. I thought that would have been really great for you. I liked it- thanks for letting me try it."

Make any pain play you introduce VERY light, and make it a side bar to whatever else you are doing. Spank her, a little, gently, and then go on with things, or make it a short, light flogging, and then gently and tenderly fuck her. Always let her know that you wanted more, but thank her for what you did.

Debrief her after every scene- not immediately, but after a few hours, or perhaps the next day. What worked for her? Why was something scary? What if you had done 'B' before 'A' instead of after?

If you play it right, you will create a mindset where she feels safe and treasured, and is aware that you want more of what, so far, has been a pleasant and reasonable interaction. She will express a willingness for more, and once the 'thin edge of the wedge' is in place, you'll be able to introduce more and more intense levels of work into the relationship.

It takes time. Time and Patience, Time and Patience and Work. Focus, commitment, dedication. An awareness of the others innermost thoughts, drives and desires. An exacting level of technical skill and the unerring ability to apply it.

It takes Mastery.

< Message edited by topcat -- 10/12/2007 1:53:28 PM >

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

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RE: girlfriend conversion - 10/12/2007 1:59:36 PM   
DefiantFlower


Posts: 204
Joined: 2/15/2007
Status: offline 		Wow topcat...

*sits back in awe of "The Master"

(in reply to topcat)
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RE: girlfriend conversion - 10/12/2007 2:02:43 PM   
topcat


Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline 		Dear Lara-
 
Aww shucks- I bet you say that to all the wise, witty, handsome, experianced dominants...
 
Stay warm,
Lawrence

< Message edited by topcat -- 10/12/2007 2:03:24 PM >

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

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RE: girlfriend conversion - 10/12/2007 2:21:13 PM   
DefiantFlower


Posts: 204
Joined: 2/15/2007
Status: offline 		Mayyyybe...or maybe only to the ones with egos big enough to ride on. Pony ride!

(in reply to topcat)
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RE: girlfriend conversion - 10/13/2007 8:03:17 AM   
switchmt


Posts: 67
Joined: 8/20/2006
Status: offline 		Thanks folks for the suggestions... I really appreciate it.
We added some level of discussions yesterday about sexuality.. it was just a beginning but I'll definitely lead to further discussions.. yes I agree that discussion is IMPORTANT. Likewise I don't need the names, or terminology, not even being called 'Master' or 'Sir'.. I don't mind taking time for the payoff if it's worth it with the right person. I'm tending to think I've found the love of my life actually in her.. and well if she loves me it should be all of me..
The  concept of building your own positive associations by 'attaching' 'rewards' like you said is something I hadn't thought of and I don't think I read about it here. I'll keep that in mind.

I would like to bring up in discussion things like scarves .. don't need to do anything with them now even, it can be in the future after getting married... and I'm happy with the light stuff too.
The last night we saw at a museum a wax statue of some guy with his wrists lightly tied with rope.. thinking it was kinky I told her to snap a photo.. there was no sense of disgust from her, but I didn't bring up the subject of using scarves etc to tie up wrists.. wonder if I should bring it up using this photo as an excuse?

THANKS again for being so helpful.

(in reply to DefiantFlower)
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RE: girlfriend conversion - 10/13/2007 8:05:14 AM   
switchmt


Posts: 67
Joined: 8/20/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mefisto69

Take her for a hike in the woods. Tie her to a tree and play with her. Gauge her reactions carefully. Is she getting hot and bothered or is she screaming and kicking < < might want to bring along a gag to use until you get her untied lol

She'd probably start screaming and kicking me... of course I won't do that!

(in reply to mefisto69)
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RE: girlfriend conversion - 10/13/2007 5:19:57 PM   
topcat


Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: switchmt
The  concept of building your own positive associations by 'attaching' 'rewards' like you said is something I hadn't thought of and I don't think I read about it here. I'll keep that in mind.


It's the sort of thing that really, we do in any relationship- doing it with intent, consistancy, and awareness is the key.
quote:

I would like to bring up in discussion things like scarves .. don't need to do anything with them now even, it can be in the future after getting married... and I'm happy with the light stuff too.

Just a quick note on that... Scarves are not as good an idea as something like bathrobe belt ties, or something like that- they are just as innocent and non threating, and they untie easier, and are less likely to leave marks.

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to switchmt)
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RE: girlfriend conversion - 10/13/2007 6:52:12 PM   
AnimusRex


Posts: 2165
Joined: 5/13/2006
Status: offline 		It has been My experience that even "vanilla" girls usually crave Dominance from their man, even if they don't think of themselves as "kinky".
I also suspect that if your personality is wired for Dominance, and hers for submission, your relationship already has that dynamic to it- you choose the restaurant, the movie, you initiate lovemaking, etc.
So the threshold of discussion is pretty low- meaning that if you just said openly, you would get a thrill out of tying her hands during sex, or spanking her bottom, I bet she would be receptive.

(in reply to topcat)
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RE: girlfriend conversion - 10/14/2007 3:33:40 AM   
switchmt


Posts: 67
Joined: 8/20/2006
Status: offline
quote:


Just a quick note on that... Scarves are not as good an idea as something like bathrobe belt ties, or something like that- they are just as innocent and non threating, and they untie easier, and are less likely to leave marks.

I know just that it's the classic non-threatening thing to suggest, or I thought so at least..

Well would normal ties serve the purpose too? Perhaps a tie I don't really like :)


(in reply to topcat)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: girlfriend conversion - 10/14/2007 3:35:26 AM   
switchmt


Posts: 67
Joined: 8/20/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AnimusRex

It has been My experience that even "vanilla" girls usually crave Dominance from their man, even if they don't think of themselves as "kinky".
I also suspect that if your personality is wired for Dominance, and hers for submission, your relationship already has that dynamic to it- you choose the restaurant, the movie, you initiate lovemaking, etc.
So the threshold of discussion is pretty low- meaning that if you just said openly, you would get a thrill out of tying her hands during sex, or spanking her bottom, I bet she would be receptive.


Yes we do have that dynamic going. Though I did tell her we'll switch to choose a movie.. apart from that I initiate the rest.

(in reply to AnimusRex)
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RE: girlfriend conversion - 10/14/2007 5:56:56 AM   
topcat


Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: switchmt
I know just that it's the classic non-threatening thing to suggest, or I thought so at least..

Well would normal ties serve the purpose too? Perhaps a tie I don't really like :)


Well, regualar ties, like scarves, tend to jam knots- any silky fabric will... What ever you use, practice tying it, yank it a bit, and notice how it behaves. you also want to be able to go at least three wraps before knotting it, and just use a simple knot.
 
a good quick tie is three or four wraps around the wrists,  bring the ends through the wrists (at 90 degrees to the wraps) and tie with a simple overhand knot.

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to switchmt)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: girlfriend conversion - 10/15/2007 5:06:45 AM   
Dddyanlittlegirl


Posts: 11
Joined: 9/16/2007
Status: offline 		 I wish you the best of luck. To tell you the truth I have been there and done that and it was a Disaster.  You might just have to accept the fact that she is vanilla and may always be that way; yes girls want to be guided and ect but that doesn't say much. 

(in reply to topcat)
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RE: girlfriend conversion - 10/15/2007 7:30:59 AM   
switchmt


Posts: 67
Joined: 8/20/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Dddyanlittlegirl

I wish you the best of luck. To tell you the truth I have been there and done that and it was a Disaster.  You might just have to accept the fact that she is vanilla and may always be that way; yes girls want to be guided and ect but that doesn't say much. 

Thanks.. I'll try anyway. She knew from the start that I'm naughty.. guess it's up to showing kinkiness (is that the right word?) now which I'm doing in many ways.. I even never kiss her the same precise way every time, I tell her I like to experiment, even with different types of kisses..the way I create sensations with my fingers,breath and even tongue.... very unconventional.. that's me


(in reply to Dddyanlittlegirl)
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RE: girlfriend conversion - 10/15/2007 7:33:03 AM   
switchmt


Posts: 67
Joined: 8/20/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: topcat

quote:

ORIGINAL: switchmt
I know just that it's the classic non-threatening thing to suggest, or I thought so at least..

Well would normal ties serve the purpose too? Perhaps a tie I don't really like :)


Well, regualar ties, like scarves, tend to jam knots- any silky fabric will... What ever you use, practice tying it, yank it a bit, and notice how it behaves. you also want to be able to go at least three wraps before knotting it, and just use a simple knot.
 
a good quick tie is three or four wraps around the wrists,  bring the ends through the wrists (at 90 degrees to the wraps) and tie with a simple overhand knot.

thanks for the tip...

(in reply to topcat)
Profile   Post #: 20
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