Getting to know you. (Full Version)

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catize -> Getting to know you. (10/13/2007 7:49:41 PM)

I recently had a brief (over a period of 3 days) e-mail exchange with a man who contacted me here on CM.  He is, by his own admission, ‘fairly new to bdsm’. 
I’ll skip over the annoyance that despite my insistence that we should get to know each other first he pushed to meet for play.
In the face of that, I asked specific questions about his real time experiences.
For example:  “Since you are interested in flogging and fisting, have you ever done either of those things?”
My questions were ignored.
On the third day he again asked when we could play.  I reminded him that he    had yet to answer what I consider to be important questions.
His response was that he was no longer interested because “I feel like I’m trying out for a Broadway play.  I just want to have fun.”
I was relieved in a way and certainly wasn’t upset.  I let him have the last word because I doubted he would hear what I had to say.
I want to have fun too!  But when it’s my ass on the line, I want to know the risks.
Because I can be rather blunt, I wondered if I might have been able to ask my questions differently; perhaps in a way that would not make him feel that he was being grilled, so to speak.
Any thoughts?



sambamanslilgirl -> RE: Getting to know you. (10/13/2007 7:56:09 PM)

i'm a blunt person too and the way i ask questions would upset a few Dominants around here simply because it's a tactic used to weed out the wanker population.  i would rather have upset the "doms" than be upset with myself later.

in my opinion, you did the right thing.



catize -> RE: Getting to know you. (10/13/2007 8:00:27 PM)

quote:

  i would rather have upset the "doms" than be upset with myself


 
I love this line!  Thanks!



RRafe -> RE: Getting to know you. (10/13/2007 8:12:32 PM)

I've done everything I list, and then some. Not hiding things, I'd rather not go there with hiding...........As far as you? I'd grill a bottom who played games with me the same way-and blow her off if she played the same games this guy did.

Why do you feel bad? We can all get in serious trouble in this, with the wrong one. My ass is just as much on the line-if a newbie decides to yell rape on me-just for playing.

It's not just BOTTOMS who take risks in this.



TemptingNviceSub -> RE: Getting to know you. (10/13/2007 8:23:27 PM)

You know?..I hate to make a quick judgement, but my feel from the conversation you related gave me the impression of a man while "new" to all of this, was actually a man who heard that submissives are easy and he wanted to find an easy f**k..and that his relative "newness" was in actuality a relative "vanilla" searching for that elusive submissive easy one night stand whore he has heard so much about in the locker room...anyhoo, that was my take upon it...Tempting



slaverosebeauty -> RE: Getting to know you. (10/13/2007 8:30:22 PM)

Sounds like the guy was a wannabe and a player.  You had every right to ask those questions and more; like you said, its YOUR 'ass on the line.' When I was looking, I had a list of about a dozen standard questions I would ask, I changed a few things depending on the person, but they were along the same lines as what you asked about; if my questions went unanswered via email or IM, then I send a short emailing saying that I was going to 'pass' and that it showed a 'lack of not only maturity and sincerity' and 'a lack of concern and respect by NOT answering a few simple questions.'

You were upfront and you were polite, the rest is/was on him; forget the troll and move on.  He may have had experience in those things, but by NOT giving you an answer he was showing disrespect for you.  

Priority 1- CYA [cover your a**]



catize -> RE: Getting to know you. (10/13/2007 8:43:13 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: RRafe

I've done everything I list, and then some. Not hiding things, I'd rather not go there with hiding...........As far as you? I'd grill a bottom who played games with me the same way-and blow her off if she played the same games this guy did.

Why do you feel bad? We can all get in serious trouble in this, with the wrong one. My ass is just as much on the line-if a newbie decides to yell rape on me-just for playing.

It's not just BOTTOMS who take risks in this.


 
I’m glad you said this!  There is so much discussion about the submissive’s need to trust the dominant and I agree that the dominant needs to have trust in the submissive as well.  It surprises me that there are so few dominant men who consider the legal risks.
I don’t feel bad about my persistence in requiring answers.  I guess it was his wording that sort of threw me for a moment.



catize -> RE: Getting to know you. (10/13/2007 8:45:23 PM)

quote:

 that his relative "newness" was in actuality a relative "vanilla" searching for that elusive submissive easy one night stand 


 
You’re probably right!
[:D]



catize -> RE: Getting to know you. (10/13/2007 8:52:17 PM)

quote:

 You were upfront and you were polite, the rest is/was on him; forget the troll and move on.  He may have had experience in those things, but by NOT giving you an answer he was showing disrespect for you.

Oh, he is already forgotten, ~smiles~  I was just wondering if my approach was improvable! 



slaverosebeauty -> RE: Getting to know you. (10/13/2007 9:07:56 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: catize
Oh, he is already forgotten, ~smiles~  I was just wondering if my approach was improvable! 


Your approach was polite, respectfull and to the point, no hiding.  I think it was great.  Too many hide what they mean and they dance around the issue; by being direct you did a great service to you and you found out what kind of man [term used very loosly] he was/is.



came4U -> RE: Getting to know you. (10/13/2007 10:28:13 PM)

He was avoiding the question for a reason.

It doesn't even matter what his reason was, the good part is that your instincts proved right.  He was NOT a good communicator, he was lazy and ignorant to your needs.

Be glad you rid of him. Noss loss I am sure.



packinrooster -> RE: Getting to know you. (10/13/2007 10:46:03 PM)

The simple rules of encounters such as the ones we contemplate require a person to be forthcoming. There are some that prefer to chance it but relatively few. Consider anyone who cannot openly be honest about these vital issues a huge risk. I have been discussing a meeting with a potential partner and have no problems discussing experience and ground rules. A true Dom offers security along with control...Master Michael



catize -> RE: Getting to know you. (10/13/2007 11:04:03 PM)

 
Technically, he dumped me, but I had a parachute of self-preservation, so it was a soft landing!



catize -> RE: Getting to know you. (10/13/2007 11:06:44 PM)

 
And I view an unanswered question as a very clear red flag.
 
Thanks to all who have responded!



pleasureforck -> RE: Getting to know you. (10/14/2007 11:48:41 AM)

You did the right thing. If someone won't answer questions thats a good indicator that you can't trust them. My Sir has never refused to answer a question just as I answer all of his.



iammachine -> RE: Getting to know you. (10/14/2007 12:46:48 PM)

quote:

perhaps in a way that would not make him feel that he was being grilled, so to speak.


Some people need to be grilled, fire roasted and spun on a spit, to be honest.

If someone is cutting to the chase and being direct with me (like this guy asking to play...), I will be equally as direct with them (politeness optional depending on my impression).  Most things in life are not cut and dry, why muddle the things that are? I like to trim as much of the fat as possible, there's no need to make a yes or no question any more complicated than it is from the get go. "You're interested in flogging, do you have experience with a flogger?" is a damn fine question, in my book, and needs no more initial tailoring. After a yes or no response, that's where an open dialogue is dandy, and where we can go back into the wonderful world of personal experiences and gray areas.

If someone can't stand up to my "grilling", then they probably aren't compatible as a play partner, either. Add another "you did the right thing" from the peanut gallery.



RosesHaveThorns -> RE: Getting to know you. (10/14/2007 12:51:31 PM)

My thoughts are, good for you. This guy is lazy and ignorant, and probably is a creep who just wanted to get laid. He would be better off with a blow up doll then stringing real people around.



Kalista07 -> RE: Getting to know you. (10/14/2007 12:58:14 PM)

Catize,
i personally don't see anything wrong with the way You handled Yourself. And frankly do You really want to be with a person whom You have to change, alter, or tailor Your approach for?  i say count Yourself as grateful that You have the sense, integrity, and self esteem to know what's in Your best interest and what's not..
Kali



beeble -> RE: Getting to know you. (10/14/2007 3:48:15 PM)

quote:

catize wrote: Technically, he dumped me, but I had a parachute of self-preservation, so it was a soft landing!

Technically, you were never in a relationship so nobody dumped anyone. ;-)

And, yes, you were absolutely right to do what you did and I don't see any improvements.  In fact, when I first read your post, I thought he was a sub contacting you as a Domme.  And I still thought you were doing the right thing.



SixFootMaster -> RE: Getting to know you. (10/14/2007 4:02:07 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: catize

quote:

ORIGINAL: RRafe

I've done everything I list, and then some. Not hiding things, I'd rather not go there with hiding...........As far as you? I'd grill a bottom who played games with me the same way-and blow her off if she played the same games this guy did.

Why do you feel bad? We can all get in serious trouble in this, with the wrong one. My ass is just as much on the line-if a newbie decides to yell rape on me-just for playing.

It's not just BOTTOMS who take risks in this.


 
I’m glad you said this!  There is so much discussion about the submissive’s need to trust the dominant and I agree that the dominant needs to have trust in the submissive as well.  It surprises me that there are so few dominant men who consider the legal risks.
I don’t feel bad about my persistence in requiring answers.  I guess it was his wording that sort of threw me for a moment.



I seriously doubt that few dominants consider the legal risks, I think we more accept them as a necessary hazard and do our best to mitigate the chances of something going wrong in that regard.



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