RE: Can a Nice Guy be a Dom?

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BitaTruble -> RE: Can a Nice Guy be a Dom? (10/15/2007 2:19:52 PM)
~FR~ I think 'nice' has a time and place. In my world, I'd prefer if it wasn't too much time and not too big a place. [8D] Celeste

MadRabbit -> RE: Can a Nice Guy be a Dom? (10/15/2007 2:35:46 PM)
The problem with "nice" people is they allow bad behaviors to continue that shouldnt continue because they are "nice". In my experiences, this is a quality that is quite detrimental to being a dominant. I personally dont consider myself to be "nice". I am sweet, caring, and compassionate, but not "nice". I come off as a "nice" guy and people who usually stick me with this label (despite how much I tell them I am not "nice") tend to be shocked later down the road when they do something completely unacceptable and I dont tolerate it. "But...your just such a nice guy!" No, I'm not. I'm a sweet guy, but not "nice" and in my experiences, most women, despite what they may claim, arent looking for nice in a dominant man. They are looking for someone who will tell them what to do and put their foot down. So, no, in my opinion, a dominant shouldnt be "nice". But sweet, caring and compassionate are great.

Raechard -> RE: Can a Nice Guy be a Dom? (10/15/2007 2:43:11 PM)
First of all you’d have to better define the term nice because loads of people appear nice on the face of it. Secondly when I was at school the teachers I learnt most from were the ones that were nice. So to answer the question from my experience: yes and sometimes being nasty just for the sake of it; to show disproval, is counter productive. One Dom suits one person another Dom suits someone else, I’ve never believed in the perfect Dom that could teach every type of sub. Different strokes for different folks as they say.

Imajican -> RE: Can a Nice Guy be a Dom? (10/15/2007 4:28:44 PM)
Short answer: Yes. I spent many years being told I was too nice or somehow wasn't "Domme enough." The thing is, the people who push for such things seem to want the porn version of what a Domme is rather than the reality of being with someone who is human and dominant. The thing I've learned over the last decade is that you just have to be who you are instead of trying to be something you're not. Eventually you'll find somebody who appreciates that, often when you aren't looking for it. At the same time who you are now won't be who you are in another week, month, year, or decade. We're all evolving. This isn't to say that you won't still be "nice" but rather you will be more solid in who you are, who or what you don't want to be, and what you want from it all. This world can be very, very disenchanting. Be true to yourself and do your best to not let it drag you down.

teresa15 -> RE: Can a Nice Guy be a Dom? (10/15/2007 4:44:45 PM)
I agree with Imajican wholeheartedly. You've got to be who you are, or it feels like you've stepped into a play with the script written by someone else. Not at all satisfying. Imajican's answer is better than anything I could say, so I won't say more.

RosesHaveThorns -> RE: Can a Nice Guy be a Dom? (10/15/2007 4:55:06 PM)
I would also ask what nice is. Is it being gullible and unassertive? Simply not being a jerk? Or showing appreication, even in quirky ways or how most people wouldn't think of it? I know that my definintion is not the same as others here. So, Blaakman, I am curious as how you see yourself as nice.

DWCdelight -> RE: Can a Nice Guy be a Dom? (10/15/2007 5:14:17 PM)
Master is certainly a nice guy. If He wasn't I wouldn' t be with Him. He is everything I ever wanted in a man. He is honest. He has integrity and a sense of humor. He is certainly a dominant and a Master and controls me with a firm hand and knows exactly how far to go. He is a teacher and also my mentor. Yes, He is nice. But He can also be a real son of a bitch when the occasion calls for it. I laughingly tell Him that He is a nice Master with a mean streak down Him. He agrees. I'm a real bitch--but not with Him!!! I know better.

TotalState -> RE: Can a Nice Guy be a Dom? (10/15/2007 7:14:26 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MadRabbit The problem with "nice" people is they allow bad behaviors to continue that shouldnt continue because they are "nice". I call that being a pushover, actually.

exogenous -> RE: Can a Nice Guy be a Dom? (10/15/2007 7:18:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TotalState quote: ORIGINAL: MadRabbit The problem with "nice" people is they allow bad behaviors to continue that shouldnt continue because they are "nice". I call that being a pushover, actually. Ah, TotalState, I was just writing a response in regards to being a pushover. quote: The problem with "nice" people is they allow bad behaviors to continue that shouldnt continue because they are "nice". That’s definitely being a pushover. Maybe some people are pushovers due to the inability to react in a firm but positive way in a situation where confrontation or difference of opinion may occur. Perhaps some people are pushovers because they have an anxiety of any type of confrontation. Or, maybe they are just lazy and choose to take the path of least resistance. To me, those are not traits of a Dom. There are so many descriptions of “nice.” Domineering is not being dominant. Domineering is not nice. Condescending is also not nice. There is a thought that some women are attracted to “bad boys/men” types. But those types of men often come to light as being in the domineering category. Confidence, compassion, honesty, and integrity is more what I look for in a Dom. Arrogance, disrespect, deceit, and irreverence are not traits I would want in a Dom…not nice. Yet, the bad boy/man trait can be great, it’s a matter of timing and execution, and has nothing to do with abusive intimidation. In regards to how nice a person is, it will be obvious in how that person handles life in general; from the results of that person’s experiences and actions, and how that person treats people and how they react to him/her.

MadRabbit -> RE: Can a Nice Guy be a Dom? (10/15/2007 7:31:38 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TotalState quote: ORIGINAL: MadRabbit The problem with "nice" people is they allow bad behaviors to continue that shouldnt continue because they are "nice". I call that being a pushover, actually. The average person in a social atmosphere with decent manners will endure some of the worst inappropriate behaviors from other people without saying anything or confronting them for the sake of "being nice". Neccessity for a civil society? I would agree. But its personally why I dont identity with the "nice" label at all when it comes to my girls. However, the idea of me being a "bad boy" or "domineering" is pretty inaccurate as well. I'm kind of chuckling a little at the thought. I'm just simply not "nice" for the reasons listed above and I have found it to be very beneficial to unlearn some of the behaviors associated with the "nice guy".

MadRabbit -> RE: Can a Nice Guy be a Dom? (10/15/2007 7:41:45 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: exogenous Domineering is not being dominant. Domineering is not nice. Condescending is also not nice. There is a thought that some women are attracted to “bad boys/men” types. But those types of men often come to light as being in the domineering category. Confidence, compassion, honesty, and integrity is more what I look for in a Dom. Arrogance, disrespect, deceit, and irreverence are not traits I would want in a Dom…not nice. Except thats not what I am talking about in the least. I'm not nice, but I am not domineering in the least. Disrespect, deceit, and irrevance are not traits I can say I have (A little on the arrogance one). I'm talking about direct, confrontational, and assertive. If you pay attention to the average person with good manners who gets complimented on by everyone for being so "nice" and the guy who gets labeled by all the ladies as "nice", you can notice that these traits are lacking. A generalization? Sure. Exceptions to the rule? I bet you will argue with some. But these are the generalizations I am using to determine my definition of "nice" and why I dont think being a "nice guy" has a place in being a dominant. If you read the rest of my post, I included sweet, caring and compassionate as great traits, but leave out "nice" specifically for these reasons. (Not to mention, any women who has ever been to bed with me knows how not nice I am. God, I love not being nice)

TotalState -> RE: Can a Nice Guy be a Dom? (10/15/2007 7:46:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MadRabbit The average person in a social atmosphere with decent manners will endure some of the worst inappropriate behaviors from other people without saying anything or confronting them for the sake of "being nice". I sort of disagree (see, that's me being nice ;) ). I've seen plenty of examples of, and am surrounded by, people who are polite to a tee and 'nice' in the way that they go out of their way to be friendly and helpful to others, but are extremely quick to turn that off in the face of abuse. These people tend to politely ask the offender to desist the aformentioned inappropriate behaviour before moving to more drastic measures - which they will always resort to, if the person or persons do not heed the advice. But really, we're just mincing words, aren't we? I definitely think that dominants shouldn't be non-confrontational for the sake of being nice. I just happen to think that being non-confrontational has nothing to do with being nice, and that you can be a perfectly polite and generous person without being a pushover.

Willowmoon -> RE: Can a Nice Guy be a Dom? (10/15/2007 7:49:28 PM)
Sir often gets from prospective girls that he looks too nice and because of that they don't beleive that he could be a good Dom or Master. Being the girl who currently lives under his rules and gets to have scenes with him I just laugh at that as while Yes he can be (and is) a nice guy in a scene or when I break the rules he is anything but. Being nice does not equal being less of a Dom.

MadRabbit -> RE: Can a Nice Guy be a Dom? (10/15/2007 7:49:41 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TotalState quote: ORIGINAL: MadRabbit The average person in a social atmosphere with decent manners will endure some of the worst inappropriate behaviors from other people without saying anything or confronting them for the sake of "being nice". I sort of disagree (see, that's me being nice ;) ). I've seen plenty of examples of, and am surrounded by, people who are polite to a tee and 'nice' in the way that they go out of their way to be friendly and helpful to others, but are extremely quick to turn that off in the face of abuse. These people tend to politely ask the offender to desist the aformentioned inappropriate behaviour before moving to more drastic measures - which they will always resort to, if the person or persons do not heed the advice. But really, we're just mincing words, aren't we? I definitely think that dominants shouldn't be non-confrontational for the sake of being nice. I just happen to think that being non-confrontational has nothing to do with being nice, and that you can be a perfectly polite and generous person without being a pushover. Fair enough. (See, this is me being cool, but not nice [:D]) The definition I am using isnt really a definition of nice as much as it is the stereotype of the "nice guy" and I dont think the behaviors of that sterotype have a lot of place in D/S with women who get off on having their hair pulled and face slapped. Keep that "nice guy" label away from me. I dont want it.

Celeste43 -> RE: Can a Nice Guy be a Dom? (10/15/2007 7:59:11 PM)
The term nice guy is usually used to indicate an absence of negatives, not an abundance of positives. Sort of like great personality when applied to a female. Nice guys usually lack confidence, they tend to be pushovers, they tend to whine. They may not be out doing bad things but that's different then be actively doing good. Good guy is a better term. I'm hoping you're a good guy; positive, gogetter, cheerful, active, capable of being a hard ass when needed.

catize -> RE: Can a Nice Guy be a Dom? (10/15/2007 8:00:15 PM)
A dominant of my acquaintance and I had a pain play session which ended with blood, sweat and tears. He cleaned the cuts and applied antibiotic ointment, pulled a blanket over my now shivering body. He kissed the tears from my cheeks and told me how much he liked to make me cry. Then, with a worried frown, asked “Am I a good person?” My heart melted and I hugged him and told him that I found him wonderful because he was mean in the way I need and nice when I needed nice. It's a balancing act!

exogenous -> RE: Can a Nice Guy be a Dom? (10/15/2007 8:11:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MadRabbit quote: ORIGINAL: exogenous Domineering is not being dominant. Domineering is not nice. Condescending is also not nice. There is a thought that some women are attracted to “bad boys/men” types. But those types of men often come to light as being in the domineering category. Confidence, compassion, honesty, and integrity is more what I look for in a Dom. Arrogance, disrespect, deceit, and irreverence are not traits I would want in a Dom…not nice. Except thats not what I am talking about in the least. I understand. I, too, was only defining my take on "nice" in the paragraph which is quoted and I was not directing my definition at anyone, specifically. I'm not nice, but I am not domineering in the least. Disrespect, deceit, and irrevance are not traits I can say I have (A little on the arrogance one). Arrogance that's on the side of self-confidence (versus "I know it all and I shit gold scat") is a good thing. I'm talking about direct, confrontational, and assertive. If you pay attention to the average person with good manners who gets complimented on by everyone for being so "nice" and the guy who gets labeled by all the ladies as "nice", you can notice that these traits are lacking. I agree, especially with being direct and assertive. That is the well-respected kind of "nice" as opposed to being a wimpy pushover. A generalization? Sure. Exceptions to the rule? I bet you will argue with some. But these are the generalizations I am using to determine my definition of "nice" and why I dont think being a "nice guy" has a place in being a dominant. If you read the rest of my post, I included sweet, caring and compassionate as great traits, but leave out "nice" specifically for these reasons. Those are excellent traits and ones we all should have. Yet, those traits can easily fall within the definition of "nice" and I don't see anything wrong with being that kind of nice! In fact, I admire those traits very much. (Not to mention, any women who has ever been to bed with me knows how not nice I am. God, I love not being nice) LOL, that's one example of a time and situation that not being nice is very much desired.

BitaTruble -> RE: Can a Nice Guy be a Dom? (10/15/2007 8:15:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MadRabbit Fair enough. (See, this is me being cool, but not nice [:D]) The definition I am using isnt really a definition of nice as much as it is the stereotype of the "nice guy" and I dont think the behaviors of that sterotype have a lot of place in D/S with women who get off on having their hair pulled and face slapped. Keep that "nice guy" label away from me. I dont want it. With this I completely agree. Nice doesn't make my heart race but it's a great way to treat a waitress. Nice doesn't make me sweat or push my buttons, but I think it's imperative for those who are pet owners (of the four legged variety that is!) Nice takes the dirt outta dirty and I loooove dirty. Like I said, nice has a time and place.. just not 'too' much time or 'too' big a place. [8D] emmv Celeste

exogenous -> RE: Can a Nice Guy be a Dom? (10/15/2007 8:34:47 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MadRabbit Fair enough. (See, this is me being cool, but not nice [:D]) The definition I am using isnt really a definition of nice as much as it is the stereotype of the "nice guy" and I dont think the behaviors of that sterotype have a lot of place in D/S with women who get off on having their hair pulled and face slapped. Keep that "nice guy" label away from me. I dont want it. I agree with that, regarding the stereotype. That type of person is not at all appealing. However, that does not mean that being a Dom means not being a nice person, in general. Your definitions of nice are appreciated.

littlebitxxx -> RE: Can a Nice Guy be a Dom? (10/16/2007 5:51:37 AM)
Without reading any answers...to the OP. It's usually the "nice" guys that turn out to be the most deliciously sadistic evil bastards to ever walk the earth. They just didn't know it. And might I point out that "nice" guys usually get the creme de la creme of the subs? Because they're both worth it.

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