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does the power?????? - 10/15/2007 2:05:29 PM   
sweetcreeangel


Posts: 70
Joined: 6/3/2007
Status: offline 		As you know in D/s there is a Dominant and a submissive.....but who is really in charge?in all aspects of the relationship does the control really lay with the submissive to a various degree and if so why?Does this mean the dominant isnt actually the Dominant but the submissive?i am curious because i was lend to believe that it was my call with where the relationship went and what not.it confuses me because i always hat the Dominant was in charge not the submisive or did i just miss understood?
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RE: does the power?????? - 10/15/2007 2:13:41 PM   
DarkDaddyZ


Posts: 805
Joined: 4/7/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetcreeangel

As you know in D/s there is a Dominant and a submissive.....but who is really in charge?in all aspects of the relationship does the control really lay with the submissive to a various degree and if so why?Does this mean the dominant isnt actually the Dominant but the submissive?i am curious because i was lend to believe that it was my call with where the relationship went and what not.it confuses me because i always hat the Dominant was in charge not the submisive or did i just miss understood?

It's called power "exchange" at least in my opinion.  In consensual relationships, the submissive gives the Dominant power to control within the limits they provide, if any (and there is usual some- some talked about, others not).

However in some cases *such as pro play* the submissive may have a certain scene set up where they have some of the power back, not always but in some cases.

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RE: does the power?????? - 10/15/2007 2:17:07 PM   
RosesHaveThorns


Posts: 312
Joined: 10/14/2007
Status: offline 		Perhaps the Dom is doing what they want to the sub, within certain limits set by the sub, but the Dom controls it.

Or perhaps the Dom is enacting a scene that the sub wants, has asked for, and wants certain things. The Dom is making it and controlling it, but in order to meet the sub's desires.

So...Both? I guess since both are free to leave at any time, that it's still a shared power exchange, just gets slightly unequal in the bedroom from time to time.

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RE: does the power?????? - 10/15/2007 2:17:25 PM   
sweetcreeangel


Posts: 70
Joined: 6/3/2007
Status: offline 		ok thank-You Dark Daddy for Your help

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RE: does the power?????? - 10/15/2007 2:23:38 PM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline 		It is two people agreeing, committing to and putting in the effort to live a certain way. What is controlled is up to the two people together and not based on roles and then goes from there.

Once you start living that way then who has the power is based on the commitment and agreement. For some it is severe and fairly absolute that hits most or all of their lives. To others it might be small and specific like just certain time bedroom only.

You can theorize all you want about who has the power in the relationship in terms of the submissive only agrees to certain things therefore has control, can always just leave or threaten to or my least favorite the person who can leave the easiest has the most power but this is all theoretical babble that just does not happen to healthy people in healthy relationships.

These are relationships just like any other relationships and are only as strong as the effort and commitment each put into it and the compatibility of the two people. The dominant does have the power over the submissive on the things they have agreed to if both have committed and live like it. Nothing is absolute in life but living a mutually agreed to power exchange is a hell of a lot easier feeling who has the power then any theoretical question.


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RE: does the power?????? - 10/15/2007 2:26:54 PM   
TotalState


Posts: 278
Joined: 9/3/2007
Status: offline 		I don't remember exactly where I heard it, but:

"I can force a woman to do anything she wants to do."


In my case, the power exchange is largely a fantasy.  Sure I make a lot of decisions, but only the decisions my sub wants me to make.  If I made a lot of bad ones, or a lot of decisions she was unhappy with, I probably wouldn't hold on to that power.  So yes, both people in the relationship have power.  How else could it work?


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RE: does the power?????? - 10/15/2007 2:32:08 PM   
sweetcreeangel


Posts: 70
Joined: 6/3/2007
Status: offline 		hmmmmmmmmmm well as i sit here and reead what everyone has wrote it got me thinking....the power exchange can be debatable for the fact that it seems that everyone has a different opionion about it and the quote that i seem to remember about an power exchange is simple and didnt seem to apply to my lifestyle choices until i joined the BDSm community
it is as follows
power is is the hands of the one who allows such power over them
i only asked because a Dom was the one who had told me the true power lays with in the sub not the Dom,which is why i wanted and needed different opionions and now that i got them i must thank-you all for answering my question
so thank-you all for your help it is much appericated
sweetcreeangel

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RE: does the power?????? - 10/15/2007 4:08:52 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		No one controls "the relationship."  The relationship is a dynamic which requires the attention and participation of everyone involved in it for it to last.

However, in Ds dynamics, the dominant has authority over the sub as they work together WITHIN the relationship.

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RE: does the power?????? - 10/15/2007 4:41:41 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetcreeangel

As you know in D/s there is a Dominant and a submissive.....but who is really in charge?in all aspects of the relationship does the control really lay with the submissive to a various degree and if so why?Does this mean the dominant isnt actually the Dominant but the submissive?i am curious because i was lend to believe that it was my call with where the relationship went and what not.it confuses me because i always hat the Dominant was in charge not the submisive or did i just miss understood?


Depends on how you look at it.

You can say that whoever is less invested and more willing to leave really has the control. You can say that whoever gets to set limits (the submissive) has the control. I don't agree with it since people often overlook the fact that it isn't just submissives who set limits. Dominants have "I won't go there" zones too. It's a relationship where people are working together.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 10/15/2007 4:42:54 PM >

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RE: does the power?????? - 10/15/2007 5:19:30 PM   
PryderiLoup


Posts: 90
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline 		At first, the power is indeed in the subs hands, no matter what the agreement is. But, if all goes well, and the dom proves worthy and caring and so forth, the sub gradually gives real power to the dominant. This takes time, perhaps years, building trust, etc... Just because we SAY someone has the power does not make it so. But even in the initial phase, both partners can equally end it, so both partners have control.

And of course, with all generalized statements, this is ony true for a certain amount of people.

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RE: does the power?????? - 10/15/2007 6:10:54 PM   
celticlord2112


Posts: 5732
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetcreeangel

As you know in D/s there is a Dominant and a submissive.....but who is really in charge?in all aspects of the relationship does the control really lay with the submissive to a various degree and if so why?Does this mean the dominant isnt actually the Dominant but the submissive?i am curious because i was lend to believe that it was my call with where the relationship went and what not.it confuses me because i always hat the Dominant was in charge not the submisive or did i just miss understood?


Who is in charge?  Both.  Just as one chooses to lead, the other must choose to follow.


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RE: does the power?????? - 10/15/2007 6:55:18 PM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		Both of us have the option of deciding we don't want this relationship any more. Both of us have the right to withdraw consent.

But in a day to day sense, he has the power since I haven't exercised my option in over four years.

I do exercise my power to disobey on occasion, and so far he's always approved of my reasons. I refused to wear a short skirt and heels one day because I was escorting a school hiking trip. In fact today I disobeyed taking the car in to get the brakes checked because I was having a panic attack. I rescheduled for Friday. Somehow I didn't imagine that sitting there, waiting for the car for a couple of hours while sobbing uncontrollably was the right thing to do. He didn't think it was either.

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RE: does the power?????? - 10/15/2007 7:18:57 PM   
PryderiLoup


Posts: 90
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

Both of us have the option of deciding we don't want this relationship any more. Both of us have the right to withdraw consent.

But in a day to day sense, he has the power since I haven't exercised my option in over four years.

I do exercise my power to disobey on occasion, and so far he's always approved of my reasons. I refused to wear a short skirt and heels one day because I was escorting a school hiking trip. In fact today I disobeyed taking the car in to get the brakes checked because I was having a panic attack. I rescheduled for Friday. Somehow I didn't imagine that sitting there, waiting for the car for a couple of hours while sobbing uncontrollably was the right thing to do. He didn't think it was either.


Good judgement should not be considered disobedient

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RE: does the power?????? - 10/15/2007 7:36:19 PM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		Actually we have a tiered hierarchy of rules. I'm ordered to use a safeword whenever I have to, which includes the situations listed above. It also means that if I'm supposed to get something done, and the way he told me to do it is ineffective, that I'm supposed to scrap his list and get it done right. I'm also supposed to mutiny if he's proposing we work through meals, get dehydrated etc. He knows himself and that he won't stop to get food/water/rest if someone doesn't drag him in.

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RE: does the power?????? - 10/16/2007 4:45:15 AM   
littlebitxxx


Posts: 732
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: celticlord2112

quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetcreeangel

As you know in D/s there is a Dominant and a submissive.....but who is really in charge?in all aspects of the relationship does the control really lay with the submissive to a various degree and if so why?Does this mean the dominant isnt actually the Dominant but the submissive?i am curious because i was lend to believe that it was my call with where the relationship went and what not.it confuses me because i always hat the Dominant was in charge not the submisive or did i just miss understood?


Who is in charge?  Both.  Just as one chooses to lead, the other must choose to follow.



Well said, CelticLord.

_____________________________

There is no such thing as can't unless it is followed by yet

It is the meaningless little acts that become meaningful in the doing.

The people that mind don't matter and the people that matter don't mind.

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RE: does the power?????? - 10/16/2007 2:17:15 PM   
obis


Posts: 412
Joined: 9/9/2005
From: Austin, TX, USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetcreeangel
but who is really in charge?


As in all relationships, the person most willing to walk away is ultimately in charge.

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RE: does the power?????? - 10/16/2007 8:02:19 PM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		In the beginning negotiation phase the sub can and should have a large measure of control where the relationship goes, what they expect, what their hard limits are, what their relationship goals are and every other topic of concern. 
After that phase, like any relationship, it's really up to the two people.  I personally am of the opinion that there should always be equal footing and open communication about relationship issues.  Personally, as a sub, if something is not a hard limit previously discussed, I am going to try it and submit to his/her authority regardless of my like or dislike for it.
l

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RE: does the power?????? - 10/17/2007 8:52:50 AM   
LadyLynx


Posts: 1098
Joined: 7/24/2007
Status: offline 		the way I look at it, both people are in charge of different aspects.  and I definately agree with everything that the other posters have said

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Our community maybe openminded as a whole, but it is still made up of individuals who bring in their own opinions,baggage and agendas!

Known as SwitchWitch in my local community,and on IRC Bondage.

I also go by the nic SwitchWitch on MDS.

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RE: does the power?????? - 10/17/2007 9:30:48 AM   
meticulousgirl


Posts: 969
Joined: 2/20/2007
Status: offline 		the problem here isn't you understanding sweet, the problem is that we have a variety of people on these sites, that are either pretenders, just like to talk about something they know absolutely nothing about, people that are just here for the sex, people that are newbies, people that are actually experienced, people in the middle, people that look at this as just kinky sex, people that look at what we do as a lifestyle, and the weird thing is....none of practice this lifestyle the same way.  I could go on but I'm sure you get the point.

Dominants are suppose to be in control over the submissive or slave.....if they aren't the Dominant is allowing the submissive or slave to either be bratty, or just plain top from the bottom (or the person in question might be a switch.....)
ok I'll shut up now LOL

~meticulous~

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RE: does the power?????? - 10/17/2007 11:28:10 AM   
beargonewild


Posts: 22716
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		From what I've seen and experienced, overall it is the Dom who has most of the power and the sub has little. Yet throughout the relationship, there is a shifting of power to the sub and back to the Dom. In the early stages to the relationship, yes the submissive has a good degree of control which is gradually handed over to their Dom. It is the subtleties of power which is exchanged back and forth between the two.


< Message edited by beargonewild -- 10/17/2007 11:30:35 AM >

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