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RE: A Dilemma - maybe it won't end sad - 10/15/2007 10:55:40 PM

desertdancer

Posts: 1095
Joined: 5/12/2006
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Michael I agree with you, I am not perfect and my Master is not perfect but for eachother we are perfect together. I have flaws, so does my Master, but to me he is perfect. I adore his flaws even when they do frustrate me.

I'm sorry for the Op, it seems to me that she really loves this guy but can not or will not look past the details. That's all this extra crap is, it's all details. If you find someone who like Michael says "Makes your heart sing" would you not wanna hold onto them? I sure the hell would.

Master and I have had some really hard times, we've suffered, but who hasn't? Is love or wonderful conpanionship not worth a struggle or two?

I'm sorry OP, I can understand your frustrations, but to me you are whinging. Yes the house being a wreck is annoying, it's embarrassing, but who the heck should care in the face of love. I would rather live in a total wreck then live without my Husband. I have felt hopeless at times, wondering where money or this or that will come from. My Master does not like to deal with the details either, and coming to a new country I didn't know how to handle some of them, so I felt stuck or lost. I do understand, so I would hope I don't sound heartless.

Let it all go. Do not let yourself get tripped up over details. So he sucks with money, so what, YOU handle it, you guide him in this, it wont make him less of a man. If you can't handle it, then get someone who can, that way you wont have to focus on the details, you can then focus on what works, and that's the two of you. It sounds very much to me that you two work, when you put aside all the extra day to day crap, you work. You enjoy eachother, that's all to rare in these days.

Look I know it sounds so easy for me to sit here and say then when you have the IRS on your back and the house is a mess... but just think about what I've said. Think about him, focus your mind on him and all the things you like, I betcha you'll smile and feel all warm whislt you do. Now think about not having him, about him not being there anymore, maybe he's just gone, or dead, how sad would you be. How sad would you be if he just walked out of your life. Now, think about that sadness in comparrison to your anger about the bills... if the anger seems nothing in the face of your sadness then yep your tripping up on the details, if you can think about him being gone and still feel overpowering anger about the bills then we've got another answer, haven't we?

Look, at his age he isn't gonna change, and I don;t think your need for wanting the bills paid should be changed, I think what my point is, is that this is something that you truely could work around, if having this man in your life is important enough to you.

I'm wishing you luck, I will be thinking about you and I really hope things work out for you.

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RE: A Dilemma - maybe it won't end sad - 10/16/2007 6:15:11 AM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
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I just don't see why all of these problems aren't being turned over to experts who can deal with them. Turn the tax problems over to an accountant, he probably has a business accountant already who has all the necessary info to handle things. Have the accountant structure savings etc and then she, a secretary, or a bookkeeper be responsible for following the accountant's recommendations, while the accountant audits things periodically to make sure things are being done right (unexpected audits help keep people honest). Find the best contractor in your area and turn the house problems over to him. This man makes enough money to pay for the problems to be fixed.

Nobody is good at everything. Everybody should have a support system set up for times of need. If you don't feel qualified to take out your own appendix then why feel that you should handle your own tax problems, money problems, house repair, car repairs. The same way you hire the best surgeon around, you hire the best accountant, lawyer, doctor, therapist, mechanic etc.

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RE: A Dilemma - maybe it won't end sad - 10/16/2007 6:20:20 AM

WillowRain

Posts: 191
Joined: 6/18/2006
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Clearly this makes you nuts. Honestly, it would make me nuts. My question is, why don't you turn over the financial struggle/arguments to an accountant! He could hire someone to fill this conflict and stressful role in his life besides you. I would recomend against putting yourself in a role with him that you already know will be a source of steady and constant conflict. Also, I wonder why you didn't just bring contractors in a bit at a time and fix the house, you lived there too. And, as to the kids, I wouldn't move back in for sure, unless they were out. In my opinion keeping kids at home past eighteen when they arn't actively in school is a form of crippling them. It isn't a crime to have to struggle a bit, it's how most of us learned to stand on our feet and thrive.

To make it short, if you want back into the relationship big time, and he does too, maybe: A house that is livable condition (might need to be a new house), no kids in the house, a hired accountant and your own separate bank account.

Good LUCK!!

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RE: A Dilemma - maybe it won't end sad - 10/16/2007 7:28:44 AM

SimplyMichael

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Joined: 1/7/2007
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Oh and a hint about IRS, you can go to a regional office and they will print out anything you need, records of what has and or has not been filed etc. Make that a condition, or have him call up the IRS, identify himself and allow you to hear what has or has not been done. Quick, simple, and best of all it will remove all doubt.

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RE: A Dilemma - maybe it won't end sad - 10/16/2007 7:39:05 AM

BeingChewsie

Posts: 1633
Joined: 10/27/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

I just don't see why all of these problems aren't being turned over to experts who can deal with them. Turn the tax problems over to an accountant, he probably has a business accountant already who has all the necessary info to handle things. Have the accountant structure savings etc and then she, a secretary, or a bookkeeper be responsible for following the accountant's recommendations, while the accountant audits things periodically to make sure things are being done right (unexpected audits help keep people honest). Find the best contractor in your area and turn the house problems over to him. This man makes enough money to pay for the problems to be fixed.

Nobody is good at everything. Everybody should have a support system set up for times of need. If you don't feel qualified to take out your own appendix then why feel that you should handle your own tax problems, money problems, house repair, car repairs. The same way you hire the best surgeon around, you hire the best accountant, lawyer, doctor, therapist, mechanic etc.

I agree, delegate, delegate, delegate.

_____________________________

"In fact, it is my contention that most women are accepting of way less than optimal circumstance constantly, and are lucky to be 'snagged' by the right man, if ever. But it is more by happy accident than by their design. "
~Ron and Hup

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RE: A Dilemma - maybe it won't end sad - 10/16/2007 3:49:35 PM

mta

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Joined: 10/15/2007
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Thanks so much, everyone. I got the IRS paid and apparently they hadn't yet filed a judgment, so it's okay so far as I know on that.

We will hire an accountant. It would be so worth it. I can do day-to-day bill pay. I really love the idea of an allowance. I'll approach him on it but will try to find another term: Maybe "set amount of expenses" or something.

But let me tell you, talking to contractors is scary. I don't know what I'm doing. They know I don't know what I'm doing. I think I found someone I trust for the house though. He wants me to contact a cement place to look at the foundation before he starts, so I'm doing that.

I really want this to work. I don't want anyone else. I want him.

Thanks again for the great input and ideas.

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RE: A Dilemma - maybe it won't end sad - 10/16/2007 5:27:51 PM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
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If you don't know what to do about the house, here's how to start.

Find a home inspection group that doesn't do repairs, only does inspections. Call your local real estate brokers to get the names of home inspectors, when the same name comes up four times from six people, use that person.

If there are structural problems, find a structional engineer. Fix structural stuff first in the way the engineer tells you to.

Always work on the bones of the house first. Remove asbestos if flaking, using a certified asbestos abatement firm. Then upgrade plumbing and electrical, you need a minimum 200amp service although 300 these days isn't too much. Fix drainage problems if the basement gets wet, dig around the basement, coat the outside walls with waterproofing sealant, install drainage pipes that slope down.

If your septic pipes are over 30 years old, you may want to get them cleaned out to make sure no tree roots are blocking the pipes. Really old pipes need replacing as just post WWII they used a cardboard like substance which dissolves over time.

Then to decide how to redo the house properly, hire an architect. Look for someone who lives in your town, and has a life style like yours. So that they will understand what you're into.

The architect will have one or two contractors he prefers to work with. He will keep tabs on what they do and costs if you pay him to.

If you lived in NY, in the Hudson Valley I could give you the name of a contractor who would do it right. Call all your friends and ask who they've used, who they know who has redone their houses, talk to everyone about what they would do over, what was the worst part, what went the best.

In decorative elements, redo kitchen and baths first, they have the greatest resale value. Anythin unusual you do, write it down. I put in a bidet because of years spent traveling. And an extra high range hood because I can and need the head room to lift the canning kettle insert up. I also installed a baking center, counter two inches lower than normal with a granite top to roll out dough.

I'm a fount of information here, feel free to write. You're lucky in that you can afford to pay to get things done. Here, kids often return after college, they pay rent, parents put the rent money into a fund. When the kid's ready to get married, there's a down payment for their home coming from the rent money.

Put up a guest cottage if you have room and let the kids use that. Convert the basement into an apartment. Lots of ideas to insure privacy and let them stay until they're ready to leave. Ask the architect.

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RE: A Dilemma - maybe it won't end sad - 10/17/2007 9:00:06 PM

nyrisa

Posts: 1830
Joined: 11/20/2006
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It sounds as if you have a relationship with him that you value, and wish to save. Probably the best favor you could do for yourselves is eliminate the largest causes of needless stress. If he wants this relationship to work, he should be willing to negotiate with you. Each of us have skills in different areas. Since your skills in handling money are better than his, the two of you should work out an agreement that puts this in your area of responsibility. Hiring an accountant to help keep things straight would help immensely and would relieve a lot of stress for both of you.

As far as the house goes, with so much major repair needed to make it a home you can both be comfortable in, you'd probably be better off to sell it, and buy a home that is liveable from day one. The ongoing upheaval and aggravation of renovations is difficult at best, and since this has been a bone of contention for the past 10 years, it is really not worth investing more time and heartache into this house project.

Selling the house is also a good time to help the grown children leave the nest. The order of business for you both should be to simplify life, narrow your focus down to the things that make you healthy, happy and secure. Anything that complicates that goal, that takes away rather than contributes to your wellbeing, really needs to be eliminated. Of course, you don't REALLY eliminate the kids, but you catch my drift, I am sure.

Tell him that poverty, homelessness, and IRS injunctions are hard limits for you. If he is a reasonable man, he will agree to make the changes needed for your relationship to thrive. If he is too stubborn to change, then you may have to sadly recognize his right to sabotage his life, and separate for your own wellbeing.

I hope that things work out for you. I can see this has been a long, hard road, and I hope you both will find happiness in the future.

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A true lady takes off her dignity with her clothes and does her whorish best. At other times you can be as modest and dignified as your persona requires. Robert Heinlein

The last thing I want to do is hurt you...but it is still on my list.

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