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Dominant/Baggage ? - 10/17/2007 8:43:00 PM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline 		There have been quite a few threads on submissive baggage..What about the other side of the slash?..Knowing all people have baggage..In what form does the Dominant baggage rear its less than desireable head?..Do you recognise it, when it appears? How do you, the Dominant deal with it? Or do you?...Tempting

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I have greatly enjoyed the second blooming...suddenly you find at the age of 50, that a whole new life has opened before you.........Agatha Christie.

You must make tracks into the unknown~~Thoreau
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RE: Dominant/Baggage ? - 10/17/2007 8:51:14 PM   
RRafe


Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline 		I do it by realizing that every new person I meet is not like others I have been with, but that my past has taught me that some personality types are simply not ones I am capable of dealing with.

If I have a concern, I voice it-rather than let it fester. I lay the cards on the table-and they either get picked up,or we pass. I expect the same in return-it helps to let go of a lot of insecurity-why fear the loss of a BAD thing-if a match is not meant to be?

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I seem to be some wierd combination of Ren and Stimpy

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)
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RE: Dominant/Baggage ? - 10/17/2007 8:56:45 PM   
DarkDaddyZ


Posts: 805
Joined: 4/7/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TemptingNviceSub

There have been quite a few threads on submissive baggage..What about the other side of the slash?..Knowing all people have baggage..In what form does the Dominant baggage rear its less than desireable head?..Do you recognise it, when it appears? How do you, the Dominant deal with it? Or do you?...Tempting

Baggage is a human emotion not just Dominant and submissive and I've had my share.  When my long term M/s relationship broke up, I took 3 years trying to find someone just like her.  That's baggage.  When disagreements happen, negative reactions to it can be baggage.

Luckily those bags got too worn, they've been thrown away.

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"Flirting is part of the job description." DJ Jesus (Lucy Daughter Of The Devil)

Vanilla Official Music Page http://www.myspace.com/djzulu

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RE: Dominant/Baggage ? - 10/17/2007 9:06:13 PM   
chellekitty


Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline 		Life's too short, Babe, time is flying
I'm looking for baggage that goes with mine

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One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve. ~Albert Schweitzer

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RE: Dominant/Baggage ? - 10/17/2007 9:10:20 PM   
MissSCD


Posts: 1185
Joined: 3/10/2007
Status: offline 		Life is to short, but let's face it.  Sometimes, we all have some bagage left.
A divorce shatters your emotions for a while.  Life changes along the way will also.
There are some things I cannot forget, but have learned to live with.  They are part of who I am, and I don't want to change that.
I am not perfect, but I cannot be something I am not.

Regards, MissSCD

(in reply to chellekitty)
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RE: Dominant/Baggage ? - 10/17/2007 10:41:10 PM   
celticlord2112


Posts: 5732
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TemptingNviceSub

There have been quite a few threads on submissive baggage..What about the other side of the slash?..Knowing all people have baggage..In what form does the Dominant baggage rear its less than desireable head?..Do you recognise it, when it appears? How do you, the Dominant deal with it? Or do you?...Tempting


Yes, we all have baggage.  Ideally, when it rears its head, from either side (dominant or submissive), it gets talked about and dealt with collectively by both partners.  That's how you communicate, grow together, and generally work on a relationship.


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RE: Dominant/Baggage ? - 10/17/2007 10:58:06 PM   
Invisibleogre242


Posts: 11
Joined: 9/28/2007
Status: offline 		Right..and if the baggage one of you is carrying turns out to be too bulky, maybe that peson needs to be alone for a while and figure themselves out before they try to jump into something new and give someone else a new set of their own luggage..

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RE: Dominant/Baggage ? - 10/17/2007 11:03:37 PM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		Some baggage you never get over and have to carry.  I am honest with my partners about my luggage and have come to accept it for the most part, some I just deal with.  I am very open to discussion (not criticism) because I know sometimes my baggage is too heavy for others and I want to lighten the load or make sure they understand they don't have to carry it for me.

The problem becomes trying to make your luggage match and dealing with old issues on both sides.  In a top situation, if someone wants something for what I believe to be uhealthy reasons, I have issues with that and try to address it. 

(in reply to Invisibleogre242)
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RE: Dominant/Baggage ? - 10/17/2007 11:05:14 PM   
exquisitefeline1


Posts: 69
Joined: 9/13/2007
Status: offline 		Wish i could find a Dom with baggage and a couple of airline tickets attached to it...

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RE: Dominant/Baggage ? - 10/18/2007 4:16:07 AM   
came4U


Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline
quote:

There have been quite a few threads on submissive baggage..What about the other side of the slash?..Knowing all people have baggage..In what form does the Dominant baggage rear its less than desireable head?..Do you recognise it, when it appears? How do you, the Dominant deal with it? Or do you?...


I recognize if a guy has 3 or 4 ex wives, that is baggage.

If he has ongoing drama with another from CM for example

If he has a stalker.

If he whines, yup again, I recognize that as baggage.

If he has lil ums.  No more diaper changing or babysitting for me. No custody or ex spouse drama. I'm too old and beyond that stage that on average happens at the prime age of -30ish. Not hand holding outside any courtroom in support that is for sure.

I guess I don't deal with it at all.  I wouldn't put myself in a postion of being the shoulder for him to burden it. 

Baggage-free means just that.  I don't want it from a man.  Friends, ok. I can handle that because it is from the 'outside'. 

(in reply to exquisitefeline1)
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RE: Dominant/Baggage ? - 10/18/2007 5:14:57 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		I think we need to define baggage.

Having three ex wives could mean someone has finally figured themselves out.

Being single could mean they never even figured out how to have a relationship.

Also, there is a difference between having a life "complicated" by the past, ie children, spouses, etc. and lacking social and relationship skills to move through those things gracefully.

(in reply to came4U)
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RE: Dominant/Baggage ? - 10/18/2007 5:23:17 AM   
came4U


Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline
quote:

I think we need to define baggage.


no WE don't, maybe you do, I don't, I have made my decision.  I would never be with someone who has such poor decision making skills.

quote:

Being single could mean they never even figured out how to have a relationship. 


and my job is to teach them that?? I think not.

quote:

Also, there is a difference between having a life "complicated" by the past, ie children, spouses, etc. and lacking social and relationship skills to move through those things gracefully.


Ther is no skill in the world that I have done longer or as effectively as raising UMS.  I have moved through them gracefully, not going back in time to raise another's lil ums now either.  Done, finito with the chiddlins. Freedom is a lot sweeter if you have actually fulfilled your parenting obligations (which never truly end) and now it is over you can sit back in relief.

'Single, no single dads' is not a hard thing to ask for. I won't change that rule for anyone. Many men seek the same thing, with a 'no children' clause in their profiles.  Why as a woman should I not have the ability and respect to do so also.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
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RE: Dominant/Baggage ? - 10/18/2007 5:36:26 AM   
PrincessBush


Posts: 7
Joined: 9/7/2007
Status: offline 		I think at your age it's a little unrealistic to expect to easily find a Dom who has no um's..(if that is indeed the way you define baggage)
Unless you are looking way out of your age range...

(in reply to came4U)
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RE: Dominant/Baggage ? - 10/18/2007 5:39:24 AM   
came4U


Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline 		Don't worry about me.  This isn't about me, it is about Dom baggage.

My criteria is my criteria.

quote:

I think at your age it's a little unrealistic to expect to easily find a Dom who has no um's..(if that is indeed the way you define baggage)
Unless you are looking way out of your age range...  


I never said a man I choose wouldn't have kids, just no LIL ones.

age range? that is also one of the reasons why I wouldn't want someone under 35, I assume a grown man my age that his kids have grown up and moved out.

*and omg that kitten pic you have looks exactly like one of mine

< Message edited by came4U -- 10/18/2007 5:40:39 AM >

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RE: Dominant/Baggage ? - 10/18/2007 6:00:13 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

Ther is no skill in the world that I have done longer or as effectively as raising UMS. 


I see you have mastered modesty as well.

Not quite sure why the hostility since my comments were meant to be universal, thus the "we" rather than "you".


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RE: Dominant/Baggage ? - 10/18/2007 6:06:40 AM   
came4U


Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline
quote:

I see you have mastered modesty as well.


Modesty? compared to what? Should I say I was a piss-poor parent as not to seem braggardly? Every mother on earth should not be afraid to disclose that she was good at parenting. If not, why aren't they?

quote:

Not quite sure why the hostility since my comments were meant to be universal, thus the "we" rather than "you".   


Nothing I would say in here is of hostile intent for one and I only assume you meant me since the rest of your posting was on the subjects I had mentioned.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
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RE: Dominant/Baggage ? - 10/18/2007 6:30:05 AM   
prettynurseAbbw


Posts: 2
Joined: 8/31/2006
Status: offline 		I once had a sub whose "baggage" was overwhemling.... he had a  full set of luggage and steamer trunks. At age 42, had never had a relationship lasting longer than three months and has been in therapy since childhood.... As a Loving Domme, healthcare  professional,  parent and wife... I tried but found him exhausting in so many ways. I had to let him go.

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)
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RE: Dominant/Baggage ? - 10/18/2007 7:52:06 AM   
MrDiscipline44


Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TemptingNviceSub
Knowing all people have baggage..In what form does the Dominant baggage rear its less than desireable head?
My baggage comes in the form of flashbacks.
quote:

..Do you recognise it, when it appears?
Yep, it is unmistakable.
quote:

How do you, the Dominant deal with it? Or do you?...Tempting
Sometimes I suppress it and deal with it later. Sometimes I deal with it through dealing with it's trigger. Sometimes I deal with it by reminding myself that though the situation is similar, that are not the same or with the same person. I personally don't hold on to past relationships or unresolved emotions, which is what I see baggage as.

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If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)
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RE: Dominant/Baggage ? - 10/18/2007 7:53:07 AM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline 		We all carry over things from previous experiences. To me baggage is taking some of these experiences into our next relationship in some unrealistic high priority or overwhelms other things that are important. To me excess baggage is when a person pushes these issues on the other person in a way that the other person is not being treated fairly or on an equal footing. Sort of like the other person is always being treated as guilty until proven innocent in certain areas.

Baggage is a compatibility issue. What others are comfortable with and are small matters to them. Excessive baggage is red flags because they overwhelm the relationship to the degree that the two people cannot be themselves but have become chained to their issues.

To me the most common excessive baggage I have found with dominants is the fear of the other leaving them and/or being cheated on.


_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)
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RE: Dominant/Baggage ? - 10/18/2007 7:54:46 AM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		well put, I agree with your definitions

(in reply to toservez)
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