RE: Would you erase your kink?

RE: Would you erase your kink? (Full Version)

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HollyBlue -> RE: Would you erase your kink? (10/19/2007 10:30:01 AM)
Short answer: No, I would not give up my sexual orientation. Not in a million years. Long answer: I spent most of my life wishing I could get rid of my "kink," or at least gain the ability to function sexually outside of submissive/masochistic fantasy. I tried (read "Evolution of a Slut" in my blog if you want to know how hard I tried) but to put it mildly, it didn't work. In terms of what's been discussed so far in this thread, I think it really depends on one's definition of "kink," and how central it is to both one's sexuality and one's psychological/emotional needs. Some people have abilities (and therefore options) to enjoy sexuality without "kink" and relationships without power exchange dynamics. I, personally, do not have those abilities or options. So, being so "limited" by my extreme sexual orientation, why would I not want to get rid of it? Because I have come to relish and truly be grateful for the experiences I'm capable of. I love being able to look in my Master's eyes and have him say, "You're going to come," and experience my body following his command, responding to him in a way I could never make myself respond even in my hottest, most pleasurable fantasies! I love being able to be sent directly into orgasm from pain! This actually just happened to me for the first time just a few days ago. I was in awe, because I know this can happen to submissive/masochists, but I didn't know if it would ever happen to me. I thanked my Master profusely for making me come with pain for the first time, and he said "I didn't make you do it; you're programmed to." I answered, "Well then, you helped me to come from pain." The bottom line is that scening, following my Master's orders, worshiping him, being trained to be a better slave, taking whatever pain pleases him, being used however and whenever he desires, "flying" from a beating, feeling the freedom that I'm finally with someone who can not only handle, but cherishes the intensity of my love, and experiencing the intense emotional/psychological experiences I do as a slave, a submissive, a masochist...all of these comprise such a wonderful life for me that the word "kink" can't even begin to do it justice. Please don't take this personally, LuckyAlbatross, but my "kink" is something very special!!! I may have interpreted your comments incorrectly, but part of me feels like saying, "How dare you?" My orientation is at the very core of me -- it is so much more than a hobby could ever be...it is a wall in the very foundation of my personality, not an accessory or simply something I like or even love. Now, finally, for the first time in our lives, my Master and I are living as our authentic selves, and our orientations are inseparable from that. We're both happier than we've ever been, and know we would not go back to doing relationships any other way. We have both have spent far too much of our lives unhappy, and it's about goddamned time we get to experience some real, lasting happiness! So, in conclusion, I love my "kink" and, knowing what I know now -- that the reality is even better than my most enjoyable fantasies ever hoped to be -- I would not erase it for anything.

AnimusRex -> RE: Would you erase your kink? (10/19/2007 5:33:07 PM)
I wonder if this only seems like a terrible choice, based on false assumptions. Often I find people confuse power orientation with kink; in other words, that being Dominant or submissive is the same as being involved in kink play and vice versa; and that without one, you can't have the other. Power orientation is part of our basic nature, and woven into our personality and not something we could give up if we tried; but isn't kink simply one means by which we express our power relationships? Do we stop being Master and slave if the kink play is removed? Kink is something we do, something we derive a lot of satisfaction from... Fulfilling relationships are what we NEED...without one, we become morose, depressed, and mentally unhealthy...

charlotte12 -> RE: Would you erase your kink? (10/19/2007 6:01:03 PM)
I've tried to erase my kink. The more i grow to embrace the slavegirl in me the more i no longer have that desire. I get where you're coming from though. I did love a man (still do in many ways) who could never Master me. I used to blame my "kink" for tearing us apart. Now i see it less as something to be blamed but more as something to explain why i made the decision to move on.

Tigrita -> RE: Would you erase your kink? (10/19/2007 6:08:59 PM)
Haven't read all the replies... I think this is like asking if you want a lobotomy. If you like yourself, why would you want to give up part of yourself that makes you happy, relatively unique, a huge avenue of fulfillment in life?

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Would you erase your kink? (10/19/2007 7:19:20 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HollyBlue Please don't take this personally, LuckyAlbatross, but my "kink" is something very special!!! I may have interpreted your comments incorrectly, but part of me feels like saying, "How dare you?" My orientation is at the very core of me -- it is so much more than a hobby could ever be...it is a wall in the very foundation of my personality, not an accessory or simply something I like or even love. Now, finally, for the first time in our lives, my Master and I are living as our authentic selves, and our orientations are inseparable from that. We're both happier than we've ever been, and know we would not go back to doing relationships any other way. We have both have spent far too much of our lives unhappy, and it's about goddamned time we get to experience some real, lasting happiness! So, in conclusion, I love my "kink" and, knowing what I know now -- that the reality is even better than my most enjoyable fantasies ever hoped to be -- I would not erase it for anything. Did you read my whole post? "Even so, Ds isn't "special" in the sense that it's no more special than a vanilla woman's marriage is. It's just special TO YOU." Sounds like we agree completely.

hermione83 -> RE: Would you erase your kink? (10/19/2007 7:36:45 PM)
I understand why you ask the question. For me, being very feminine, very shy, very submissive, passive, etc makes life harder. I feel like everyone pushes me around, and that I'm not capable, that I can't take care of myself, and that I need someone. I often wish I was dominant, assertive, unafraid, confident, etc. Giving in, submitting, being a bottom, giving in, being owned, etc, are part of me, but it really is something I have no control over. I didn't wake up one day and decide that's what I wanted. I can choose to not pursue it, sure, but them I'm just unfulfilled. On the other hand, going down a path of losing more and more control to someone, and then losing them, has weakened me. Letting myself be a child, dependent, etc, I feel has hampered my growth in some ways. And the longings for someone to fulfill that role in my life are even stronger. I do know what I want, and am that much more grateful when I get it... however, since I'm alone, and do not know if I ever will find someone who will "keep me" for all time... I would say that being submissive has done nothing but damage me and my life so far. I feel like if I did find that person, and was able to be in that role I've dreamed of since I was a little girl - that my happiness, peace, and security in life would be greater than it would have been if I had been born vanilla. But if it does happen, it will have certainly been a harder, longer road to some form of happiness. If I do not find it, I feel like I'm only a sliver of a person, and will continue to become worse and worse. I guess it's just a tale that doesn't have an ending yet. Will the ends justify the means? Who knows? And this lifestyle is not the only thing like this. I know people, often in a creative profession, feel like the art chose them, and the drive to make it happen was forced on them by their Maker, so to speak. Like the lonely musician, isolated, trying to find his muse. Mad, unable to find happiness - until he's written that world-changing perfect song. OP - I do hope you find what makes it all worthwhile!

Manawyddan -> RE: Would you erase your kink? (10/20/2007 6:34:24 AM)
I have no desire to force myself into a mold that does not fit, by trying to 'deny' my kink or live without it. On the other hand, I do feel it has made my like more difficult and unsatisfactory than it might otherwise have been, and were I able easily to erase that predilection from my psyche, I would do it in an instant.

degradess -> RE: Would you erase your kink? (10/20/2007 9:57:41 AM)
I have left the bdsm lifestyle recently because of the same reason....all I have found is abuse and hurtful behavior towards me. Some play for a while then I am not good enough. I had to stop to save myself from going completely under. Some happiness is better than losing myself completely and never beingh happy.

degradess -> RE: Would you erase your kink? (10/20/2007 10:09:54 AM)
ditto, hermione83....that's why I have decided to try to stop the bdsm and get back into the other world if i can. It's too hard thinking I will be alone the rest of my life ...and too hard to ever trust a dom again. Sometimes if something thats a part of you makes you lose all you have, you have to let it go.

sophia37 -> RE: Would you erase your kink? (10/20/2007 10:10:08 AM)
quote: I wonder if I would nix my kink in order to be able to love the people that I can only like. Thats not kink OR vanilla. Thats just how we all think. I cant LOVE or have sex with, if thats how you mean it,..with people I only like. Theres just people we like as poeple and people we love as people. For me, if its someone I want to sleep with, I'll go for it first and see if things that say, can "kink" me up, are possible second. Personally, with the right person, lots of things CAN happen. Dont make too many presumptions.

MsPleasure -> RE: Would you erase your kink? (10/20/2007 10:36:50 AM)
Most subs Ive met have a vanilla lifestyle for the public but want the kink behind closed doors. Kink was a part of my vanilla relationship on a mild level the whole time. It's definitely doable with the right partner.

JLION -> RE: Would you erase your kink? (10/20/2007 4:27:54 PM)
In the past I have often tried to "erase my kink". For example, when I was younger I would try to stop fantasizing about BDSM acts, and concentrate on more traditional vanilla fantasies. I did this mainly because it is so much easier to find a partner who is Vanilla, and it would be wonderful to be turned on by such mundane acts. Instead of erasing my kink, I have tried to expand my interest in more sensual vanilla things. Traditional love-making is wonderful. Overall I feel lucky that I am able to get turned on in so many ways. I live in Texas and I see billboards created by conservative churches that offer therapy that removes homosexuality. "Erasing one's kink" reminds me of these impossible services that these billboards advertise.

kitttty -> RE: Would you erase your kink? (10/26/2007 8:06:31 PM)
quote: I understand why you ask the question. For me, being very feminine, very shy, very submissive, passive, etc makes life harder. I feel like everyone pushes me around, and that I'm not capable, that I can't take care of myself, and that I need someone. Your whole post could have been written by me. Totally how I feel. My kink is so deeply imbedded in my personality that it affects all sorts of things outside the bedroom and I fear its effect is for the worse.

petdave -> RE: Would you erase your kink? (10/26/2007 10:07:56 PM)
Could be worse... 'least you're not acting like that in a man's body!

FullfigRIMaam -> RE: Would you erase your kink? (10/26/2007 10:33:46 PM)
My kink being dominance, no I would never again attempt vanilla style marriage, but I would date a vanilla gentleman and see how far he'd be willing to bend for me. [;)] M

kirby104 -> RE: Would you erase your kink? (10/26/2007 10:53:17 PM)
Would I erase part of myself? NO!

MasterShibari -> RE: Would you erase your kink? (10/26/2007 11:54:24 PM)
Could I give it up? Have I given it up? Absolutely. I am a Dominant, it is a part of me, something I was born with and will always possess. I’ve had to learn what that means, and still have a long path ahead of me, but I have always been and will always be a Dominant. But, it is only a small part of me, a single part of the millions of components that make up who I am. It is not my defining characteristic, it does not determine who I am. More importantly, it does not control me, I control it. As a Zen Buddhist, I see kink as a dichotomy. It is a part of me, something I devote myself to wholly. But I do so with the full understanding that it is a fleeting pleasure, something that I could easily give up if needed. That said, I can’t possibly see myself ever giving it up, its just nice to know I could. Excellent topic, by the way. Best wishes to you all on your path, wherever it leads you. M. Shibari

Gwynvyd -> RE: Would you erase your kink? (10/27/2007 12:19:19 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: hermione83 I understand why you ask the question. For me, being very feminine, very shy, very submissive, passive, etc makes life harder. I feel like everyone pushes me around, and that I'm not capable, that I can't take care of myself, and that I need someone. I often wish I was dominant, assertive, unafraid, confident, etc. Giving in, submitting, being a bottom, giving in, being owned, etc, are part of me, but it really is something I have no control over. I didn't wake up one day and decide that's what I wanted. I can choose to not pursue it, sure, but them I'm just unfulfilled. On the other hand, going down a path of losing more and more control to someone, and then losing them, has weakened me. Letting myself be a child, dependent, etc, I feel has hampered my growth in some ways. And the longings for someone to fulfill that role in my life are even stronger. I do know what I want, and am that much more grateful when I get it... however, since I'm alone, and do not know if I ever will find someone who will "keep me" for all time... I would say that being submissive has done nothing but damage me and my life so far. I feel like if I did find that person, and was able to be in that role I've dreamed of since I was a little girl - that my happiness, peace, and security in life would be greater than it would have been if I had been born vanilla. But if it does happen, it will have certainly been a harder, longer road to some form of happiness. If I do not find it, I feel like I'm only a sliver of a person, and will continue to become worse and worse. I guess it's just a tale that doesn't have an ending yet. Will the ends justify the means? Who knows? And this lifestyle is not the only thing like this. I know people, often in a creative profession, feel like the art chose them, and the drive to make it happen was forced on them by their Maker, so to speak. Like the lonely musician, isolated, trying to find his muse. Mad, unable to find happiness - until he's written that world-changing perfect song. OP - I do hope you find what makes it all worthwhile! I do not think that the issues you are having with feeling pushed around, and taken advantage of lies in being a submissive.. I think it lays in your inaction to stand up for yourself.. and your lack of self worth. Often if we do not value ourselves.. no one else will bother to either. It shows in all we do.. in every action. Long ago in my early teen years, and in some early realtionships I was a real doormat. I was so hungry for someone to just love me, and accept me.. no matter how marginaly. It took someone really abusing my bounds, and being really awful to me for a long while for me to find my spine... and my voice. If you are afraid, unconfidant, and just unsure about who you are.. and your basic standing and place you might want to step back from trying to find someone to complete, protect, or fix you. Only you can do that for yourself... they can help you and walk beside you on your path to healing, and discovery.. but they can not walk it for you. I wish you much luck, love and understanding on your journey. Gwyn *edited to pimp slap the typo fairy*

petdave -> RE: Would you erase your kink? (10/27/2007 12:19:24 AM)
So you have given it up, but you can't see yourself ever giving it up, but you could easily give it up? That's pretty cool. i'd cut it out of myself with a razor if i knew where to dig. i think one of my cats is Buddhist- he's from Burma, a bit on the chubby side, and very peaceful at times, but he ain't tellin'. Religion's a hit-or-miss thing, in my experience.

MissMagnolia -> RE: Would you erase your kink? (10/27/2007 12:28:57 AM)
I'm dominant, it isn't a kink in my eyes, it is just my personality. It's a bit like asking someone to lose their sense of humour. You can't, it just IS. Re the "I'm very feminine, etc" comment from an earlier poster, I'm also very feminine, so I'm really not sure that being feminine is a sign of submissiveness. Not all Dommes are 7 foot tall, wearing leather, with whip at the ready and a strap on handy. Though they ARE hot.[8D]

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