RE: Porn and men - How much is normal?

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DarkDaddyZ -> RE: Porn and men - How much is normal? (10/19/2007 4:21:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross The problem isn't how much- it's that it seems to be being used as a fantasy escape from reality- and that reality includes his relationship with you. Time for an open honest talk about how you both feel, both of you opening up and owning up to those feelings, not blaming, not crucifying, and come to agreement on some ACTIONS you can both take to get back on a positive track. I agree with what LA says here.

MstrDennynSlave -> RE: Porn and men - How much is normal? (10/19/2007 4:51:08 PM)
Depression itself can and does cause low sex drive, lack of interest in your partner. He was depressed due to his job loss, that depression can still be going on now, even though he has a job he loves and is good at. Depression doesnt always stop when a person gets a new job. It can hit a person at anytime and continue for months or years. You state that he snaps at you when you try to initiate sex, says he's too tired, etc... That is classic depression symptoms. Ask him if he is willing to get checked out for depression. Simple blood tests will let him know if he has depression or not. I've been dealing with my daughter's depression since she was 4 years old, she is now 20. Her brain doesnt produce the chemicals needed to feel good. This can happen at any age, with anyone, is what the doctors told us.

gwendolyn -> RE: Porn and men - How much is normal? (10/19/2007 5:10:32 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aswad Off topic, but now you know how men feel when women "have a headache." [;)] But in any case, yes... it sounds as if he's withdrawing from contact. That's the depression, as pointed out by bipolarbear. I would recommend checking out Manerix or some other activating antidepressant. Helping him find a job would, of course, be even better. Health, al-Aswad. -chuckles- Set and match, I suppose. I should clear up the fact that he's now got a job. Has had it for about a month and a half. I never said a word about the issues until after he had gainful employment. I know what it can feel like to see one's self as useless. (That wasn't the case.) As for the latter posts, I hadn't actually considered depression before. But he was briefly on antidepressents in college, so it's worth a look-see. It completely escaped me when answering the 'recent changes in life' question, that he had a vascectomy just days after he lost his job. I don't know much about male anatomy, but could there be a hormonal imbalance that's exasberated by something psychological? Hmmm...

pogo4pres -> RE: Porn and men - How much is normal? (10/19/2007 5:19:19 PM)
The day when porn replaces the real thing is the day I croak ;-)

mnottertail -> RE: Porn and men - How much is normal? (10/19/2007 5:23:33 PM)
Oh, Honey!!!!!!!!!!! What dear? Would you like me to give you dog licking peanut butter head or would you like to see a movie? Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo...... Honey? What? Is this a final jeopardy answer? You figgure out who said what to whom. Ron

Aswad -> RE: Porn and men - How much is normal? (10/19/2007 5:27:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MstrDennynSlave Simple blood tests will let him know if he has depression or not. Every mental health professional I've dealt with would love to know which ones; care to share? Seriously, some kinds of depression show up on certain types of blood tests. Not all show up on a blood test, however; not by far. quote: I've been dealing with my daughter's depression since she was 4 years old, she is now 20. That's a bit early to be diagnosing depression, except with certain conditions like hypothyroidism etc. quote: Her brain doesnt produce the chemicals needed to feel good. Then she'd be braindead. Sorry to bicker, but this oversimplification needs to go. Health, al-Aswad.

Aswad -> RE: Porn and men - How much is normal? (10/19/2007 5:30:27 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: gwendolyn I should clear up the fact that he's now got a job. Has had it for about a month and a half. I never said a word about the issues until after he had gainful employment. I know what it can feel like to see one's self as useless. (That wasn't the case.) ~hugs~ Good on you both. quote: As for the latter posts, I hadn't actually considered depression before. But he was briefly on antidepressents in college, so it's worth a look-see. It definitely is. Stress, depression and other factors can influence sex drive for a long time. quote: It completely escaped me when answering the 'recent changes in life' question, that he had a vascectomy just days after he lost his job. I don't know much about male anatomy, but could there be a hormonal imbalance that's exasberated by something psychological? Unlikely, but if there is, it will turn up on a testosterone/SHBG/prolactin blood test. Health, al-Aswad.

Honsoku -> RE: Porn and men - How much is normal? (10/19/2007 5:45:11 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: gwendolyn It completely escaped me when answering the 'recent changes in life' question, that he had a vascectomy just days after he lost his job. I don't know much about male anatomy, but could there be a hormonal imbalance that's exasberated by something psychological? Hmmm... My instincts say either this is the culprit or the combination of the vasectomy and the job loss is. The vasectomy alone can play minor havoc on someone's psyche, but if he was still feeling awful about the job loss, the combination could have seriously undermined his sense of self. Definitely a worthy avenue of pursuit in my opinion.

Estring -> RE: Porn and men - How much is normal? (10/19/2007 6:40:52 PM)
The fact that he is doing it in secret is not a good sign. The fact that he won't talk about is another. Some men do become addicted to porn. It seems to be what has happened here.

Vanatru -> RE: Porn and men - How much is normal? (10/19/2007 7:00:37 PM)
vasectomy? maybe there's some physical effect from that: like discomfort, tenderness, etc that's different. and is uncomfortable with telling you about it. guys can get rather bashful about apparent sexual disfunction.

RosesHaveThorns -> RE: Porn and men - How much is normal? (10/19/2007 8:16:16 PM)
He has had the job for a month and a half...Has it been getting worse or better? Has he been paying you more attention (outside the bedroom and with both of your pants on) more or less? Have you tried not asking for sex, but initating contact gradually? Hug here, massage there, snuggle there...Etc. etc.

LaMspeach -> RE: Porn and men - How much is normal? (10/19/2007 8:36:27 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster I wouldn't say that it "interferes" with my sex life though. I'd say it enhances it. I agree, porn really does enhance.... where else would you get all those evil ideas you do to me and your other bitches.

Lordandmaster -> RE: Porn and men - How much is normal? (10/19/2007 8:37:34 PM)
Well, not ALL of my ideas come from porn...I have a creative mind, you know.

downkitty -> RE: Porn and men - How much is normal? (10/19/2007 9:15:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: gwendolyn -chuckles- Set and match, I suppose. I should clear up the fact that he's now got a job. Has had it for about a month and a half. I never said a word about the issues until after he had gainful employment. I know what it can feel like to see one's self as useless. (That wasn't the case.) As for the latter posts, I hadn't actually considered depression before. But he was briefly on antidepressents in college, so it's worth a look-see. It completely escaped me when answering the 'recent changes in life' question, that he had a vascectomy just days after he lost his job. I don't know much about male anatomy, but could there be a hormonal imbalance that's exasberated by something psychological? Hmmm... While stress can bring on the depression, resolution of the cause of the stress isn't likely to end the depression. The stress can cause the imbalance, but once the imbalance is there, you're dealing with a medical problem, not the initial stress. So, getting the new job would not be likely to solve the problem. You have my empathy. You have a difficult road ahead of you at least in the short term. If he is willing, depression can be treated with medications, but they often also cause low sex drive. Therapy is another option, as is the medication/therapy combo. Either way, the sex drive issue probably wont be resolved quickly. Repeatedly bringing up that you are sexually unfulfilled wont help. I don't imagine hearing you with toys and buzzers would help either. Having you sexually frustrated probably wont help either. Its kind of a no-win situation in the short term. Hopefully, with communication and possibly some form of medication/therapy, it will get better. I've got my fingers crossed for you. ~hug~ Respectfully, Amy

Petronius -> RE: Porn and men - How much is normal? (10/20/2007 6:19:14 AM)
To go back to the original question "how much is normal?" I believe since the Kinsey reports the idea of "normality" was exposed as a scientific myth. To cite Kinsey's primary principle of human sexual functioning: Variation. Variation is the norm; "normal" just doesn't make it as a useful concept anymore.

obis -> RE: Porn and men - How much is normal? (10/20/2007 4:45:08 PM)
Just to echo what others have already said clearly, it sounds like a classic case of depression -- probably caused by any number of factors, but should be easily treatable. When he goes in to see the doctor for depression, they should check his thyroid and testosterone levels as well just to be sure there isn't something else going on. I know it's frustrating to deal with a dom going through depression -- you have my permission to push and push and push until he gets it treated, sometimes ego doesn't allow us to accept we need help. He'll thank you once it all gets sorted out. But don't worry about the porn, it's not causing any of the problems you're facing. Spending time worrying about the porn will just make him feel guilty about it for no good reason. You're not competing with it at all.

laurell3 -> RE: Porn and men - How much is normal? (10/20/2007 6:20:13 PM)
I think you may have the chicken and egg mixed up. I highly doubt the porn is causing your problems in your sex life, but there is a problem and he's resorting to porn. Confronting him about it is what's making him hide it, stop playing pc spy and talk to the guy, again. There's nothing wrong with a man watching porn, in fact, consider the alternative, him not watching porn and being with someone else. I'd be more worried if there wasn't any porn in a hard time in the relationship. Sit down with him and try to figure out what the issue is. As with all advice on a forum, take it with a grain of salt, mine included, we don't truly know what's going on in your relationship and only get one side of the story, the best person to talk to is him. Good luck to you l

AquaticSub -> RE: Porn and men - How much is normal? (10/20/2007 9:22:05 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: gwendolyn Call me dense, but I'm struggling to understand a lack of sex drive with frequent masturbation. Gwen Freqent masturbation doesn't have to link to sex drive. I've known men to masturbate several times a day because they were bored.

AquaticSub -> RE: Porn and men - How much is normal? (10/20/2007 9:26:04 PM)
~Fast Reply~ I'd talk to him about your relationship and your lives. I have to agree with the others that it is probably an indicator of some other problem. Could be with you, his boss, his mother or his life in general. But that is just my guess.

ba5tardo -> RE: Porn and men - How much is normal? (10/21/2007 6:12:16 AM)
As you begin to say more about it, it sounds like there are other factors at play. The porn thing might just be a symptom of an overall funk he is in due to the job situation. It sounds like situational depression. I think getting him a new job or a constructive hobby would help. Find something goal oriented for him to do that lets him be exploring his interests while learning a new skill… (perhaps MAKING porn). I tend to get really stressed out about my business. This affects my sex life to some extent. What really helps for me is when my girlfriend subtly plants the seed by doing little things to get me aroused. For example, she might be all dolled up when I come home. If she is too pushy it doesn’t work. It’s a very delicate dynamic. Most men , at least I, like the overt display of female sexuality. Put on a corset and some heels and see how he reacts. For the record I have about 80GB of porn. I don’t own any DVDs. I keep it on a redundant drives in a RAID 1 array in case of disk failure (I don’t want to lose it). My girlfriend has full access to the porn stash as well.

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