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how to silence a dom? - 10/19/2007 7:54:32 PM

darkcatnip

Posts: 11
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

Hi guys,
     I'm new to the site (And just had this post all written out before my stupid explorer crashed and wiped it clean..lol) Anyhow...I had a question.
    My boyfriend comes to this site alot and wants to become more dominant, which I think is great because I am very submissive..The only probelm is that whenever we have sex and he goes to do something dominant..he asks me first.. for example.. being tied up. We will be have sex and then he says," Want me to tie you up? How should I do it?....
   It really kills the mood for the me when he stops to ask... So, I'm wondering if anyone had any advice on how I can kind of get him to stop asking questions and possible act more dominant in bed? I would hope that he would read this post.. but he never goes to the forum part of the site. I really wish that he would play out the part more of a domme when we have sex. Its almost like the element of control is lost when he stops and asks me... does that make sense?
      Thanks for any information,
                                 Darkcatnip

ps. is domme a feminization of dominant reserved for dominant females? Im not good with lingo.

Post #: 1

RE: how to silence a dom? - 10/19/2007 7:56:28 PM

SmokingGun82

Posts: 575
Joined: 6/19/2004
Status: offline

Yes, domme is usually used for females, and dom for males.

As for your question, the only thing I can suggest is talk to him. Tell him that you don't want him to ask, you just want him to do things. Or, if he's not comfortable with that, discuss everything before going to the bedroom. That might be a compromise that makes it easier for both of you.

_____________________________

It frightens me, the awful truth of how sweet life can be.
- Bob Dylan

Proper capitalization is the difference between "I had to help my Uncle Jack off a horse" and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse."

(in reply to darkcatnip)

Post #: 2

RE: how to silence a dom? - 10/19/2007 8:01:14 PM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

If he is still learning, you have to put up with the asking until he is more confident in what he is doing. He is trying to learn, and if you tell him thats bad, he might stop. He is obviusly interested in learning what you like, and how to do things. If you want him to be more dominant, you have to help him learn how to be so.
Talk to him beforehand, and tell him what would be ok and when. Then aybe if it is out in the open he might not ask. But he is not a Dom yet. He is not sure what he is doing, and you have to confirm for him stil he is reading you right and you are enjoying things.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to SmokingGun82)

Post #: 3

RE: how to silence a dom? - 10/19/2007 8:05:38 PM

Myster

Posts: 25
Joined: 5/29/2004
Status: offline

Confidence is the most important factor at this point for him. Play with safewords and if it becomes too much use it, but by all means tell him that he can do anything he wants until that signal is uttered.

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 4

RE: how to silence a dom? - 10/19/2007 8:06:52 PM

CuriousLord

Posts: 3911
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline

I'm not sure if it's.. entirely healthy for him to try to be a Dom. I mean, to me, it seems like people should just embrace whatever they are, not trying to be something that they're probably not.. If he had dominant urges, and he's just embracing them now, that would be different.. but.. why is he forcing himself to do this, just because it sounds like fun? But, then again, I'm sure plenty of people have tried to come into the lifestyle, done so, and then been happy with it. So, meh, I won't condemn it.

If he's just scared to embrace it, perhaps you can just sweetly promise him that you'll love him, even if he takes a step too far and it scares you.. that you'll just ask him to take it easy, and that, afterwards, it'll be okay. You know, sort of like a liscense to make a mistake; that'll probably make a lot of difference.

As for nomenclature, from most submissive to most Dominant, in male/female, the stances are termed:
slave
sub
bottom
top
Dom / Domme
Master / Mistress
("Dom" can be used as a very generic term. It can refer to Dom's, as in those who are moderately Dominant and male, or it can generally refer to anyone, male or female, who's Dominant. Ditto with "sub" on the submissive end of the spectrum.)

(in reply to darkcatnip)

Post #: 5

RE: how to silence a dom? - 10/19/2007 8:07:22 PM

darkcatnip

Posts: 11
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

hmm.. Your probably right, I should speak with him. I just feel like talking about it before we do it.. is kind of like planning our sex. But I can totally understand that since is he still learning, that I have to help him. Thanks for your opinions. :)

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 6

RE: how to silence a dom? - 10/19/2007 8:10:20 PM

darkcatnip

Posts: 11
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

Wow, thanks curiouslord for the help on the nomenclature!

I dont think he forcing himself into anything he doesnt want. He is.. very much a dominant person. I just think he isnt sure on how to proceed in doing it.. and looking up things on the internet only help so much. Which is why we hope to go to a munch someday.

(in reply to CuriousLord)

Post #: 7

RE: how to silence a dom? - 10/19/2007 8:11:34 PM

MissMagnolia

Posts: 3636
Status: offline

Wanting to be more dominant and wanting to be a Dom are two very different things. I've seen subs who wanted to become less submissive in their daily dealings with others/work/friends/etc, but that doesn't mean they want to be a Dominant.

If it is a bedroom thing only, it might be more role play to him, in which case either be happy with that, or move on if you want a full D/s relationship.

Whichever it is, remember how you felt when you did something for the very first time. No one is confident when they don't know what they're doing. He's testing the waters. I think he's being sensible about it. He isn't prepared to do something that may harm/hurt you, so he's asking for input.

Personally, I think you're lucky to have him and need to help him by not pointing out what he's doing wrong, but focus on what he's doing right. Complain that he's not doing things as you want them done, and he'll soon give up.

As said by Gun and DV, discuss things BEFORE you get in the bedroom, not during, at least until he is more confident.

_____________________________

if at first you dont succeed..then skydiving isnt for you

Resident Whip Cracker AND Resident Orbs Of Joy.

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 8

RE: how to silence a dom? - 10/19/2007 8:16:19 PM

Myster

Posts: 25
Joined: 5/29/2004
Status: offline

Communication is the key in any relationship. I know having a serious conversation about sex isn't exactly appealing but it is nessasary. D/s relationships are built on a foundation of trust between the two people, but also it is built on trusting yourself and building that trust within yourself is sometimes the most scary thing you can do. As a Dominant I can still remember the first time someone knelt at my feet. I felt wonderful and honored for about two seconds then I thought: "OK Kevin, now what" that is a hurdle we all need to get over.

He will need to build that trust in himself and that will happen slowly over time. As his sub you can nuture that trust and instill confidence within him.

(in reply to darkcatnip)

Post #: 9

RE: how to silence a dom? - 10/19/2007 8:19:49 PM

amelliagrace

Posts: 1792
Joined: 8/4/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: darkcatnip

Hi guys,
    I'm new to the site (And just had this post all written out before my stupid explorer crashed and wiped it clean..lol) Anyhow...I had a question.
   My boyfriend comes to this site alot and wants to become more dominant, which I think is great because I am very submissive..The only probelm is that whenever we have sex and he goes to do something dominant..he asks me first.. for example.. being tied up. We will be have sex and then he says," Want me to tie you up? How should I do it?....
   It really kills the mood for the me when he stops to ask... So, I'm wondering if anyone had any advice on how I can kind of get him to stop asking questions and possible act more dominant in bed? I would hope that he would read this post.. but he never goes to the forum part of the site. I really wish that he would play out the part more of a domme when we have sex. Its almost like the element of control is lost when he stops and asks me... does that make sense?
     Thanks for any information,
                                Darkcatnip

ps. is domme a feminization of dominant reserved for dominant females? Im not good with lingo.

Might I suggest color codes as opposed to him asking and the two of you discussing? Examples:
"I'm going to tie your slutty little ass up." "Green, Sir" Translation - "pleaseeeeeeeeee ty my sluttty ass up, pleasssssssssse". He can then feel more confident to procede, without asking.

"Fifty more lashes for you, my little bitch". "Please, Master, and ty, you are so good to me." Thirty lashes later.......... "Yellow". Translation: "I'm getting close to my limit, but I'm doing my best to not wimp out on you, Master." Fourty five lashes...... "Red, RED" Translation: "I want to please you, I'm so glad we are doing this, but I've had all I can stand. You're the one holding the whip, so I can't exactly do anything about it, but if I could I'd stop now."

This scenario gives him valuable feedback without undermining his dominance. It allows you to help him develope, learn you, learn himself, and breath a little easier that he isn't likely, to suddenly find he's done something terrible to you.

As with everything else in life, YMMV.

Grace

(in reply to darkcatnip)

Post #: 10

RE: how to silence a dom? - 10/19/2007 8:44:17 PM

Decimus

Posts: 174
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline

Well since Yellow and Red make orange does that mean that if the sub starts shouting ORANGE! that means that they are becoming close to the Red but not quite there? ;)

_____________________________

Here is my story that some people have asked for, www.beginningofdreams.com

(in reply to amelliagrace)

Post #: 11

RE: how to silence a dom? - 10/19/2007 8:47:29 PM

RosesHaveThorns

Posts: 312
Joined: 10/14/2007
Status: offline

Get him a book on rope tying perhaps. And then, seperate sex from asking questions time. Maybe tell him a few fantasies one night (When all distractions are put away and you have a few hours) then see what he does when it's time to not be talking. Surprise can be good.

(in reply to amelliagrace)

Post #: 12

RE: how to silence a dom? - 10/19/2007 8:58:09 PM

LadyHugs

Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Dear darkcatnip, Ladies and Gentlemen;

Perhaps in the case which you have presented, there might be a time for 'practice' and make sure that it stays in a communicating role back and forth, as to communicate what is to tight, not the right spot and the such. Then make a code word to know that practice is over with and both of you have to agree. Then, you can move into more of a 'scene' and put into practice what you have learned from each other.

I do agree, that when new dominants start out and, especially if they have never been in a submissive position to have their own "T-shirt" per se--"been there done that," that dominant relies even more on your feed back, as people feel things different than others. Level of pain may help understand where to maintain his strength, I use 1-10 and once he knows you and practices-the less it will be needed, as his eyes, senses, ears and such--will be trained and tuned into you.

Insecurity of the situation, will often have the most seasoned dominant check in on the first time scene play with a new person--it is just getting 'dialed in' or 'tuned in' as to be on the same page with you and you with them. More times played, it will already be past the discovery state and more fun in the actual scene will be had.

Basic instincts of someone who is your friend, lover and such--is never to harm you. Until they know consistantly what will and what will not 'hurt' you--they will discover the difference between hurting and playing with pain. It is important to understand the struggle people have at first--the hurt vs. pain = bad and to learn hurt = bad, consensual pain and skill applied = good.

Just some thoughts.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to darkcatnip)

Post #: 13

RE: how to silence a dom? - 10/19/2007 9:24:22 PM

amelliagrace

Posts: 1792
Joined: 8/4/2007
Status: offline

Whatever floats your boat, turns your crank, works for you.

Grace

(in reply to Decimus)

Post #: 14

RE: how to silence a dom? - 10/19/2007 10:34:47 PM

proudsub

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

quote:

If he is still learning, you have to put up with the asking until he is more confident in what he is doing. He is trying to learn, and if you tell him thats bad, he might stop. He is obviusly interested in learning what you like, and how to do things. If you want him to be more dominant, you have to help him learn how to be so.

This is exactly how it progressed when Hubby wanted to learn to be my Dom. It didn't take long for Him to learn what i enjoy and to discover His preferences for doing things.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 15

RE: how to silence a dom? - 10/19/2007 10:41:46 PM

sammiebabygirl

Posts: 465
Joined: 10/23/2004
From: Upstate, NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: darkcatnip

My boyfriend comes to this site alot and wants to become more dominant, which I think is great because I am very submissive..

I would hope that he would read this post.. but he never goes to the forum part of the site.

Why does he stay on the personals side if he wants to learn?

jen

_____________________________

"Men are like pianos. When they get upright, i feel GRAND!!!"

http://charldine.com/jen2820

(in reply to darkcatnip)

Post #: 16

RE: how to silence a dom? - 10/20/2007 2:37:55 AM

ExSteelAgain

Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline

Yep, tell him you want to role play. The more convincing he is, the better it is for you. That means being totally in character and following the "script" without questions.

_____________________________

You can paint a cinder block bright pastel pink, but it's still a cinder block. (By Me.)

(in reply to sammiebabygirl)

Post #: 17

RE: how to silence a dom? - 10/20/2007 2:47:53 AM

came4U

Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline

He asks too many questions and yeah, it would ruin the mood. Asking 'if' he can do this or that? uhhg, if you are going to keep him...

get earplugs and do not subscribe to 'lip reading weekly'.

(in reply to ExSteelAgain)

Post #: 18

RE: how to silence a dom? - 10/20/2007 6:34:20 AM

SunNMoon

Posts: 1058
Joined: 3/18/2007
Status: offline

A few of my thoughts, he’s most likely still learning and doesn’t know what to do. Not bad at all, also he’s trying to learn to read you in a different light. If the tying you up is the main question, then go out and buy a cheap set of cuffs (got mine for under 30 and they’re washable). It’ll cut down on, “Honey, how do I make this knot so you don’t get away…” if that’s a mood killer for you.

But he might be like me. I love asking, “Do you like this” “Do you want this…” I get off on the answer of “Yes please…” and the response of desire for whatever activity.

_____________________________

"We agreed to S&M only, sex and mockery." - Gray’s Anatomy.

(in reply to came4U)

Post #: 19

RE: how to silence a dom? - 10/20/2007 6:41:33 AM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire

If he is still learning, you have to put up with the asking until he is more confident in what he is doing. He is trying to learn, and if you tell him thats bad, he might stop. He is obviusly interested in learning what you like, and how to do things. If you want him to be more dominant, you have to help him learn how to be so.
Talk to him beforehand, and tell him what would be ok and when. Then aybe if it is out in the open he might not ask. But he is not a Dom yet. He is not sure what he is doing, and you have to confirm for him stil he is reading you right and you are enjoying things.

DV

I agree. There's nothing wrong with him asking, in fact communication and learning someone is important. Let him find his comfort zone before you expect too much, it's easier than it looks.
l

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 20

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