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RE: how to silence a dom? - 10/20/2007 7:09:18 AM

Kaiynasha

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CuriousLord

I'm not sure if it's.. entirely healthy for him to try to be a Dom. I mean, to me, it seems like people should just embrace whatever they are, not trying to be something that they're probably not.. If he had dominant urges, and he's just embracing them now, that would be different.. but.. why is he forcing himself to do this, just because it sounds like fun?

I completely disagree with this statement. Some need to try something to see if it is them or not. I mean you cannot force someone to embrace something that is new for them. For example, you're at a new job, you know nothing about how things work, you're suppose to try new things and ask questions before you jump into something and get burnt or worse fired.

He is doing absolutely fine. She needs to simply to communicate with him.

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RE: how to silence a dom? - 10/20/2007 7:19:50 AM

CreativeDominant

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quote:

ORIGINAL: darkcatnip

hmm.. Your probably right, I should speak with him. I just feel like talking about it before we do it.. is kind of like planning our sex. But I can totally understand that since is he still learning, that I have to help him. Thanks for your opinions. :)

While many, many scenes have a certain spontaneity to them...at least for the submissive...you will find that in a great many scenes, the dominant has planned out what is going to happen, if not in paper, at least in his head. He has anticipated what he will do and then what he will do next based on knowledge of the submissive's response (s) to what he has done. He has planned for miscalculations and errors and etc., etc.. You are both new to this and he is trying to go there with you. Therefore you have to learn together and therefore may have to plan together, at least at first. It might seem strange but isn't it better...in this learning stage...for you to both be taking into consideration as to what to do if hanging you by your thumbs with just your toes touching the floor as he flogs your pussy goes wrong (feet come out from under you, your weight dislocates your thumbs before the rope breaks and you come crashing down from the ceiling, etc.) than to be figuring it out when it happens?

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RE: how to silence a dom? - 10/20/2007 7:57:54 AM

mistressaries

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ok...first....if I am repeating what has been said I apologize. My suggestion would be to set things up yourself. For example...let him know he can tie you up by setting the rope or cuffs or whatever out on his side of the bed. Basically lay out the toys that you are in the mood for that night. Let him know that should there be a whip on the dresser that night he should not ask just use it. Or if you have a "toybox" and you don't care what he uses then just leave the lid to it open and he doesn't have to ever ask what he can or can't use that night. I suppose that some may say that you are controlling things but when just starting out it may be helpful to him to know that he has permission without asking.. He likely is afraid of doing something you don't like or want that night. The other option is to let him know that instead of ASKING he should rephrase it so that he tells you what he wants to do to you and he can instruct you to "fetch" the things required...and have it agreed before hand that should you not want something that he mentions you will not get it. I am sure there will be someone that disagrees with this idea but it does work. When first getting to know what sort of things another person wants it can be very stressful and confusing. Even more so when you add in that you love someone and don't want to hurt them by doing something "wrong or a little over the top". Our first girl was much more comfortable with this idea too...she was given time to go thru the toybox and pick out what she wanted each time. This was also fun because we could add new toys to surprise her with but if she wasn't ready to try something she did not have to worry about it being added until she felt ready to try it. And likewise for her....she could add to the toybox anything she wanted to try but that I had not thought of yet. GEEZZZZZZ...I've writen a book...LOL. Sorry. But I hope this is helpfull to you both.

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RE: how to silence a dom? - 10/20/2007 8:02:20 AM

stella41b

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Have you ever thought about both of you really getting into some role plays?

This to me from my perspective (I run a small scale fringe theatre and also get crack addicts and alcoholics into rehab through drama and theatre workshops) appears to be the best solution.

You can't be more dominant, you can't be less submissive. Being dominant and being submissive are just roles we assume to find greater emotional fulfilment through human interaction.

If you were to walk through your local supermarket on its busiest day having a special vision to see who's exactly into BDSM you might be surprised.

We are all the same people, being Dom or sub is just some sort of persona we have created within ourselves. That's why you never see leather-clad Cruella types wielding whips or the Norman type of elderly slave shuffling naked complete with collar and cuffs and shrivelled penis through the aisles of your local Walmart.

So where do you as beginners start? Why, how about the beginning?

You both need the following (1) a role for each of you, (2) a setting or situation and (3) an aim or a purpose for playing that role and being in that situation.

For example, you are an employee found guilty of company espionage, your boyfriend is a Company Director.

You got the old favourites - teacher/student, uncle/niece, doctor/patient, kidnapper/hostage, and so on.

Agree on a time limit, say 10 or 15 minutes, go play the role, do the scene, and then sit down and discuss together what you have both learned.

This I feel might be a good solution for you both.

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RE: how to silence a dom? - 10/20/2007 8:51:08 AM

crouchingtigress

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anytime something niggles at you either in a scene or in the relationship in general...you should tell him.

he needs to know.

your wanting him to be more dom, and he cant really take the reins eventually if you dont give them to him.

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RE: how to silence a dom? - 10/20/2007 8:53:37 AM

Lordandmaster

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Find a dom who knows how to tie you up without having to ask, film a session with him, and then show it to your boyfriend. I doubt he'll be asking too many more mood-killing questions after that.

quote:

ORIGINAL: darkcatnip

My boyfriend comes to this site alot and wants to become more dominant, which I think is great because I am very submissive..The only probelm is that whenever we have sex and he goes to do something dominant..he asks me first.. for example.. being tied up. We will be have sex and then he says," Want me to tie you up? How should I do it?....
It really kills the mood for the me when he stops to ask... So, I'm wondering if anyone had any advice on how I can kind of get him to stop asking questions and possible act more dominant in bed?

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RE: how to silence a dom? - 10/20/2007 9:50:35 AM

LadyHibiscus

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I am right with LadyHugs---practice makes perfect! When you are doing something that has a learning curve, like rope bondage (NOT implying that other stuff doesn't as well) take some time to just hang out, fully dressed, and have your own little rope drill. I have Midori's book, but there are other good books on ties out there. Measure your rope, see how they feel and look, so there won't be all that fussing when the time comes.

Tie him up. Honest. Let him get the idea of what is happening, and how it feels. There are plenty of ties that do not involve actual immobilization, but still give the idea of how the ropes feel.

Get over this DOM idea. There is top and bottom, and they are just roles, not lifestyle personas. "I am the person who is doing, you are the person who is receiving" is a much less threatening idea to someone who is new and possibly does not have a natural leaning. This might mean (and yeah, this is not so fun) that you have to orchestrate the moves a little.

An orchestration idea, basesd on a party game. Sit down and talk about what YOU want. What do you like, what do you want to try. Write it all down. Agree on stuff, and put it on a bunch of index cards. When you are playing, he gets to pick what happens next. So, you get <activity> but don't know what or when. Surprise!

Good luck----this should be lots of fun for both of you. :)

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RE: how to silence a dom? - 10/20/2007 4:35:39 PM

darkcatnip

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Thanks everyone for the responses. I will take them all into consideration and alot of them were really great! I got so many ideas after reading this thread. Its good to know that this forum is so friendly to noob questions! Thanks again. :)

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RE: how to silence a dom? - 10/20/2007 4:48:09 PM

chellekitty

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the quickest way i have gotten a newbie Dom or two to stop asking permission is to respond with this statement when they do ask permission...."Nope. If you want me to do something order me to do it. If you want something take it. I gave you permission a long time ago" or something to that effect....and if they asked for permission after that, i just said no and it sparked that memory and they took over from there....no does not mean no in my relationships, thats what safewords are for....

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RE: how to silence a dom? - 10/20/2007 5:13:08 PM

batshalom

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Express yourself clearly to him (don't just hope he'll read your post). Tell him his questions are killing the mood. For his comfort, put a safeword in place and tell him that as long as you don't safeword it's all good.

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Post #: 30