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The Ex - 10/19/2007 11:23:13 PM   
mysticalcreature


Posts: 5
Joined: 8/30/2007
Status: offline 		How does one deal with the ex?  The mere mention of her name and my potential Sir flys off the handle and stops talking to me.  I am jealous in the sense that she wants him and is close by, but I am not in his vicinity at the moment.  Just some ideas, should I be concerned?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: The Ex - 10/19/2007 11:28:58 PM   
TakenPet


Posts: 147
Joined: 1/12/2007
Status: offline 		Well that depends on your relationship.  Is there any trust? Are you really jealous of her, or is it that you can't be there?  Are worried that something is happening and you are not privy to that?  There are so many things that could be involved.  You should really take the time to talk to your "potential Sir" about this.  My Master used to be really easy to talk to about this kind of thing, but there have been a lot of changes recently.  Master says nothing has changed, and I love him and trust him so I take him on his word. 
If the ex is around it will feel weird, but just learn to seperate the jealousy from other issues.  Its not as easy as it sounds and it takes time and practice belive me.  It will come with time, the best thing is for you to talk to him and tell him how you feel.  If he is willing to talk to you about it.  Of course there is the obvious solution, just dont' talk about her .. and ignore those feelings.
Its not much, but hope it helps a little.

(in reply to mysticalcreature)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: The Ex - 10/19/2007 11:43:33 PM   
MissMagnolia


Posts: 3636
Status: offline 		She's an "ex" for a reason.

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RE: The Ex - 10/20/2007 3:13:05 AM   
came4U


Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline 		A negative reaction to a discussion about an ex is because it is either painful or unresolved.

Figure out which one causes this effect and decide to help ease his pain or set him free until his issues with her are complete.

If I was with a guy who had such a temper about an ex, I would be concerned that it is not his first time not being able to handle communication or relationships well. 

(in reply to MissMagnolia)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: The Ex - 10/20/2007 3:57:40 AM   
susie


Posts: 1699
Joined: 11/21/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mysticalcreature

How does one deal with the ex?  The mere mention of her name and my potential Sir flys off the handle and stops talking to me.  I am jealous in the sense that she wants him and is close by, but I am not in his vicinity at the moment.  Just some ideas, should I be concerned?


It may depend on how you are asking about her and how many times you mention her. If you are jealous you may not realise how many times you bring the subject up. If she is his ex he may well just want to forget about her and you bringing it up just makes him think about her again.

If you are really concerned ask him if you can have a serious talk about her with him and explain that you just want to get things straight about their relationship and that you will then let the matter drop.

(in reply to mysticalcreature)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: The Ex - 10/20/2007 6:16:22 AM   
eyesopened


Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline 		The entire saying goes "Speak of the Devil and he shall appear."  So stop invoking the ex's presence by invoking her name. 

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(in reply to mysticalcreature)
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RE: The Ex - 10/20/2007 6:56:21 AM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline 		Going from best to worst an Ex can be:

1. a new friend.
2. an empty space and a growing memory
3. an issue or problem
4 a threat to the new relationship

Simply work out which of the above four categories the Ex most suitably fits into and take the appropriate action.


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(in reply to mysticalcreature)
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RE: The Ex - 10/20/2007 6:56:30 AM   
sambamanslilgirl


Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline 		merely stop talking / asking about her

it's probably the one subject he probably wants to forget and concentrate on his relationship with you


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RE: The Ex - 10/20/2007 9:23:56 AM   
slaveelle


Posts: 116
Joined: 9/28/2007
From: Australia
Status: offline 		I agree with susie. It just may be the questions or what you are saying to him thats upsetting to him. I would  ask him what it is your doing that makes him so upset when you bring up the ex's name. I am surmissing that the relationship he has with the ex is not a good one, so id be careful what you say to him about it. Some dont like bringing up the past and would rather keep it there.
I wish you luck with this mysticalcreature.
 
cheers
elle

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(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: The Ex - 10/20/2007 1:41:37 PM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		If you know it upsets him then you should just stop mentioning her name/talking about her.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to slaveelle)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: The Ex - 10/20/2007 2:21:24 PM   
TheChauvinist


Posts: 76
Joined: 10/14/2006
Status: offline 		Sounds like she's pull his strings and he knows it. She's consequently pulling your strings as well because you're worrying about her. If you have to worry about his past relationships in your present one then it's best not to have a present relationship with him till he is over his last one.

(in reply to mysticalcreature)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: The Ex - 10/20/2007 3:33:11 PM   
KiandPhoenix


Posts: 205
Joined: 8/1/2007
Status: offline 		My ex. . .we deal with her by loaning her my car yesterday so she could go job and car hunting, we planned to have my family christmas at her place this year, she babysits for us on occasion, we used to tabletop game with her and if she were not going to my BIG family Thanksgiving to avoide her family, we would be at her place for that also.

I keep good relations with my past partners, and only their new partners insecurity has ended some good friendships. I love the people I was in relationships with, and even though the relationship ended does not mean I ceased to love them.

On the other hand, Phoenix has had some bad past relations. Her current ex has two children with her, so he is going to be around for at least another six months I suspect before he becomes a total deadbeat. We deal with him as little as we can, and she did not keep great relations past a couple months with her other ex's, so we don't have to deal with them.

How you should handle things is entirely dependent on you. First you should let your sir know about your feelings. There may be nothing to worry about. If you are that worried about it, egotiate some limits reguarding ex's. Phoenix and my ex are friends now, but we still have a rule here about no ex's. This was a rule I put out because I am not comfortable with my partners going back to their ex's, not the other way around.

~Ki

(in reply to TheChauvinist)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: The Ex - 10/21/2007 9:43:43 AM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		Are you bringing up her name because you're getting the impression she really isn't all that ex? If so, I'd listen to your gut instincts. But the inability to discuss past relationships, what went wrong, and what you learned from them is not something that appeals to me. I don't want to be the next ex he flames, so to speak.

(in reply to KiandPhoenix)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: The Ex - 10/21/2007 9:55:50 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		His long term ex (he has had a few short term ones in between, which never became significant) is thought of quite fondly by him.  I can't help but love her for what she was to him.  They remained in touch as friends for a long time, and still are friends, although I think they only talk every few months or so now. 

Her presence in his life does not affect me, or my service to him.  I don't look for ways to change that.  She and I have never spoken, but he suspects we would get along really well if we did.  I doubt we will ever meet, however, as she has moved to Australia.

(in reply to mysticalcreature)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: The Ex - 10/21/2007 12:32:20 PM   
mysticalcreature


Posts: 5
Joined: 8/30/2007
Status: offline 		Well see he is ignoring me and perhaps the issue is all mine, but she is always around and stays the night, he goes over there and so on.  I am not able to be there, he says that nothing will ever happen she is just a friend that she destroyed any "loving feelings" but when he is ignorning me because I made a comment about her not sure what to do.  Now when all this other stuff, her staying at his house, he told me about it before it happened, but never tells me when he goes over there.  I am intimidated by her, they have a long history together and she is there right now and I am not.  Should I simply trust him and take him at his word that nothing is happening or will happen and that he "loves me?"  He says he loves me .... any suggestions?

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: The Ex - 10/21/2007 12:34:25 PM   
mysticalcreature


Posts: 5
Joined: 8/30/2007
Status: offline 		Yes I bring up her name because I do not thing she is an ex at all ... she is always coming over, he is presumably going over there given certain postings I have seen, she is always calling him.  What am I supposed to think?

(in reply to mysticalcreature)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: The Ex - 10/21/2007 12:43:48 PM   
kirby104


Posts: 94
Joined: 6/6/2005
Status: offline 		It seems you have found a player! RUN!!!!!!!!

(in reply to mysticalcreature)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: The Ex - 10/21/2007 12:58:05 PM   
TakenPet


Posts: 147
Joined: 1/12/2007
Status: offline 		Do you think that maybe you should take him at his word and trust him that there is nothing going on?  How comfortable are you with that?  We can't tell you what to do, but I think you need to have a nice face to face with him and make him aware of how you feel and if he continues to get upset about her name being mentioned then find out why?  I wouldn't say run right away, but that would depend on how long you have been together, and how do you honestly feel from an objective perspective.  You need to take a look at it from another perspective.  I might be ready to run, so maybe just keep your perverbial bags at the "front door."
Good luck, but really talk to him or just trust him to be honest with you.  Perhaps he is punishing you for something you are not aware that you did wrong.  I am in a similar punishment situation right now. 
Good luck a nd just wait it out unless you feel really uncomfortable.

(in reply to kirby104)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: The Ex - 10/21/2007 1:35:02 PM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		If he had no emotional feelings for her, he wouldn't react to the mere mention of her name in such an emotional way, i.e., "flying off at the handle", and then giving you the silent treatment.

Personally, I'd be more concerned about the maturity level and emotional well-being of someone who won't talk to you when something disturbs him or her.  Sounds like a pouty child or passive-aggressive pseudo-adult to me.

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Profile   Post #: 19
RE: The Ex - 10/21/2007 3:41:10 PM   
silkenfire


Posts: 130
Joined: 9/27/2007
Status: offline 		If you are not comfortable with how things are between them, tell him that you are not comfortable with it.

If he doesn't want to help you get over that hurdle, then it's time for you to move on before you get stuck in a place where you're miserable.

Being a sub/slave is for YOUR enjoyment. Not only his. If you are miserable and it bothers you, you won't get that enjoyment. Not to say that you can't seek pleasure from his pleasure-- but if you're this bothered by it now, don't get into a more serious relationship over it and then find yourself more miserable. Take some time to step back.

I've only had one relationship where the ex actually bothered me. We were together for 10 miserable months where he dyed my hair, etc to make me look more like her. He broke up with me to go back with her. I know that's not all situations, and I know that jealousy is often irrational-- I've had irrational jealousy myself with regards to other people. But when it gets to the point that it makes you miserable, it doesn't matter if he's a saint. If it bothers you, it's time to leave, even if it is all in your head, because you won't find happiness there.  

(in reply to windchymes)
Profile   Post #: 20
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